I spent some time uneployed in 2007, while accidentally signing up for the 9-month do-it-yourself version of Biology 1009. I totally dropped the ball. In early 2008 I petitioned for an extension: I totally dropped that ball too.

I took a break last fall, and now in early 2009 I'm re-taking Biology 1009 as an evening course.

We'll see if I drop this ball too. Hope not.

Meanwhile my blogging, not just here, but on my main site, has pretty much dried up. A lot of that is because my contract last year at Best Buy ate all my time (but was very lucrative). My new position seems to be rather lower stress, so I'm hoping I can get back to some writing. But of course, there's class...

The man of gold

Author: Barker Muhammad Abd-al-Rahman. M
Date: 1984

I'm working on my research paper on the works of M. A. R. Barker, so that's why there's that particular link.

The link itself is kind of pointless, since the item is not available electronically...

This looks like one of those ventures where I could spend weeks just digging around in these research tools!

Well, "we" in the sense that "I" am back.

Got two classes this semester: BIOL 1009 General Biology, IDL or "work at home," and PIL 3251 - How to Do a Project or something like that.

The Biology textbook was $99 in the bookstore, despite being two editions out of date. I dunno, maybe that counts as "antique" in the textbook industry, a trade that ranks right up there with real-estate flipping and used-car sales for integrity and class. Through some fluke, I stumbled across a copy for $9.99 including shipping over the internet (precisely: Textbooks.com.) It arrived yesterday, sans CD, but I don't think that matters. Since I'm presently out of work, that's a welcome savings.

Now I'm supposed to be working on my Project Proposal for PIL 3250, but I'm having a real hard time getting motivated. Fortunately the job search had a very good day yesterday, so I'm able to focus all my attention today on procrastinating. The dishes are clean, and I've sorted the albums P through S in my audio collection... In a little while my friend Rachel will ring up and want to go biking for some exercise, and I'm sure I'll figure out a way to do that too...

Okay, back to work. See? My blog entry (my "Learning Journal") is done, too!!

Spent the last week and a half working very hard on the degree program, whenever time permitted, and despite that I don't have it done today as I had desired. I had hoped to meet with my academic advisor by now or at least to have sent her my degree program already, and be in a position to start contacting faculty advisers starting tomorrow. That would have given me two weeks to find someone before next class.

Instead my academic adviser is out of town next week, meaning that it's really unlikely I'm going to have my degree program done in time. Panic time!!

Stressing out, stressing out. I'd get more done on my Degree Program if I wasn't so stressed out half the time.

Sigh.

At least I gave up on National Novel Writing Month before that ate too much of my time. And this weekend we have my son's 12th birthday, then we have Thanksgiving at our place this year, and then Theresa is gone for two days working on HER Nanowrimo wrap-up.... and then November is over.

Hamina hamina hamina hamina hamina...

The day I discovered that I was not really cynical.

I thought I was a cynic. I thought I was tough. I thought I was a hardbitten realist, a skeptic, a doubter. A man with a steely-eyed gaze that pierced life's illusions and laid bare the reality, however ugly. Like a couple in a bad marriage, life and I had come to an arrangement: life would deal me the truth and I'd play the cards I got no matter how mixed the metaphor.

And then one day life told me something I wasn't ready to hear, a truth I wasn't ready to handle.

One day I found out that Santa Claus wears red and white because he's pushing Coca-Cola.

Then one day Santa's sleigh landed on the roof of the Coca Cola bottling factory in Erie, Pennsylvania, and when the Old Man at long last re-emerged he was.... different. He was changed... or more to the point, he was always the same

Apply Bridges model to your transitional life experience.
What was your ending?

I was broken by the news. My Inner Child shivered beneath the thin blanket of tattered illusions. And yet, that which does not destroy us makes us stronger, and I grew because I learned that even in the depths of my cynicism there would always be that spark of childlike hope, still shining despite Life's relentless efforts to snuff it out.

Describe your time in the 'neutral zone.' What did you do? How did you feel?

For a long time I was simply in shock. Seeing Santa, his image on signs and on the TV, I would flinch away. As a child I had come to grips with the nasty insinuation that Santa wasn't real. I had learned that reality was overrated: swimwear models, Reality TV, God and the American Dream are all unreal, and yet they are important. But one way that Santa was important was that, while unreal, he was still an untarnished symbol of generosity and childlike joy. When I learned that Santa worked for Coke, I was as hurt as if I had found out that my mother was only raising me as part of a Reality Television program.

For a long time I couldn't think of Santa the same way. When his name came up, I'd flinch.

How did you begin again?

I learned that I had to take ownership of Santa - that it wasn't enough to believe in Santa, now it was time for me to believe in MY Santa.

Reflect on your transitional life experience:
What meaning did you give to the life transition?

When I was a child I believed in magic and mythology, and my journey away from childhood was measured by the milestones of reality. The more I disbelieved in the unreal and embraced "reality," the more "grown up" I was.

Santa taught me that Reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. He marked an important step in my journey away from Reality, and back towards believing in the unreal. Santa taught me that not only was Reality overrated, but even the consensus fantasy of Jolly St. Nick left something to be desired.

What happened to you as a result of the transition?

I grew stronger in my understanding of and distaste for Reality. I grew stronger in my comforting delusions.

Comment on the process of your transition -

Well, I think it was shaped by the classic Stages of Grieving by Kubler-Ross. At first I couldn't believe the truth, and for a long time I didn't like to think about or see Santa. But soon I began to construct a worldview in which I could first understand what Santa meant to me, and then fit Santa into a reconstructed view of the world.

Was your transitional experience linear? Or did it take another shape? How so?

It was a linear portion of a circular journey. I had to learn to trust Santa again, and not only that but to reclaim Santa for my own. The larger journey is the circular return to the beliefs of my childhood.

Was he experience linked to another transition? How so?

It was a part of a larger journey in which I am learning that sometimes Unreality is stronger and more reliable than Reality.

How permanent was the outcome of your life transition?

Permanently permanent.

What learning did you experience as a result of your life transition?

I learned that even when Reality conspires to undermine our supporting beliefs, the strength of imagination can allow us to rebuild a more delusional lifestyle in which our core values are supported by the crazy things we choose to believe.

How did the experience change you, in terms of behavior, feelings, atittudes and understandings?

Well, I learned to be more independent in my beliefs, nad less strongly bound to the strictures of Reality. It gave me confidence and self-assurance. It no longer mattered to me what others said about Santa, his motives and his financial backers... My Santa remained the untarnished, generous, kind and merry soul that I wanted him to be.

How would you describe the learning that you experienced, additive learning, developmental learning, or both? Please explain?

It was definetly developmental learning as I had to mentally develop a new means of interpreting the world that allowed Santa to remain Santa, despite the slanderous lies of Reality.

While that's the good news, the bad news is, no, I have made essentially NO progress on my Degree Program. My good intentions of Sunday ran into harsh realities, and work has only gotten worse, so here I sit two hours before class and all I've managed to do is the readings, and hopefully here I'll print out my journals.

"I work best under pressure." Sigh. Good thing I gave up on Nanowrimo.

On the other hand I finished PAYING for the class, so at least I won't find myself paying for another failed class. I hated that back when I was in college, paying money for Calculus classes that I'd already failed. Nope, this one is all paid for, so if I fail at least I won't have that humiliation.

Okay, this is done, now to print them and then see what kind of last-minute work I can do on the narratives before I have to leave for class. In an hour.

Well, so much for National Novel Writing Month.

I gave it a try, and I'll keep writing I guess, but 50,000 words in one month ain't gonna happen.

Most of this is due to work, some due to schoolwork also taking precedence.

Unfortunately I haven't gotten a lot of schoolwork done either - been too busy just staying in place at work.

One thing I'm finding difficult is these two-week breaks between classes. Curiously, they don't act to give me more time, they actually give me LESS time. Why? Because despite my best intentions, I mentally "take the week off" when I have a two week gap. Of course, I don't then "put the week back on" the following Wednesday. Instead it gets to be the weekend prior when I suddenly realize class is coming up again (like today), and now I've got three days.

And, holy crap, we only have two more meetings!

Well, I guess that's appropriate. If I get my stupid narratives written I'll be pretty much done with the draft degree program and can get it reviewed for finalization. Then I need to get an academic advisor, which I think I was supposed to do by now, but see the paragraph before this one for how that hasn't happened yet.

Okay, well hopefully I'll be panicked enough now to get to work on my narrative descriptions, then maybe Monday or Tuesday I can make some calls about getting an academic advisor.

The primary criteria focuses on Computer Science, with the secondary on Mathematics. Outstanding in the depth criteria are the "change management" courses that I'm hoping to take as well as projects in prior learning.

The frustrating part of this has been trying to nail down what the minimums are... I mean, I don't want to play fast and loose with the system, but I DO want to graduate someday, and the more classes I take the longer that is. Fortunately we seem to have narrowed down the requirements to three business courses plus the two projects in prior learning, plus a couple of projects and courses to flesh out the Liberal Arts prerequisites.

Anyway, the framework of courses has firmed itself up, and now I need to work on fleshing out the narrative explanations of what I'm trying to accomplish. Unfortunately work has not only picked up a lot over the past couple of weeks (to the point where formerly-friendly colleagues are now yelling at me regularly), but National Novel Writing Month is coming up. As the spouse of the Minnesota liaison, I'm fated to undertake it, if not necessarily successfully. But it's going to eat my time. That and work, we'll see what I can get done.

I'm glad to have some kind of structure in place though. I stick a toothpick in it, it comes out without any cake on it. now the question is, how can I frost this Degree Program, use a slice to get an academic advisor, and get to work on my degree?

In reviewing the requirements, I noticed that the description of the "Creation of Meaning" requirement sounds an awful lot like the description of my "Mitlanyal" books. So I sent an e-mail off to my course instructor asking if a pair of books on a fictional culture might count as "Creation of Meaning." My fingers are crossed, because that would leave me needing merely to take a single Biology/Environment course in order to complete my prerequisites.

We'll see what this week is like at work. If I can get something done this week I can hopefully be caught up before class resumes next Wednesday.

Which is today.

To be fair, I have spent some time on it. In particular, I've been working on collecting scattered credits from various places where I did not realize they had gone. At Anoka-Ramsey Community College, which I attended once or twice during the Reagan and Carter administrations, I found five credits that I did not remember taking, bringing my total number of undergraduate semester credits above 100. And I searched, possibly in vain, for credits that I had hidden in the Extension College at the University of Minnesota back in the 80's, when I was trying to conceal from the Institute of Technology the fact that I couldn't for the life of me pass Calculus II.

Despite these efforts, however, I have done little of the actual reading or assigned work. I may try to get some of that accomplished today if time permits, otherwise I'll just have to wing it.

I did speak with my therapist about how cracking a textbook brings up all my issues again. We worked through the usual discussion of how I felt, and what elements of my childhood these feelings bring to mind. That's pretty much her schtick, and you'd think I'd've learned to do it myself, but somehow everything that seems clear during a session becomes blurred and murky once out the door. So I left with some slightly better insights into why it has always been so hard for me to learn from books, but no profound changes in behavior.

I think the biggest change in my approach to this class is that I've pretty-much decided the classroom time is of limited use. I don't want to say "useless," because there's much to be gained from discussing things with others who are doing the same thing and trying to build a degree plan. But what I've figured out is, if I work on the assigned homework, but don't work on my degree plan, then I have nothing to discuss in class. Today I'm going to see if, by focusing on the degree plan and nearly ignoring the homework if I find the class more useful.

So today I'm sitting at work, trying to get enough done that it seems like I'm worth employing, while sneaking looks at my degree plan on the sly. We'll see how it goes in class.

So far I understand the need to build my degree program, and I even understand the "Area of Depth" and the "Area of Breadth" and all that. What I don't understand is where to begin in this process today, and also how to distribute my old classwork across the requirements tables.

So I sit and try to read through the various hand-outs, and the returned homework, trying to piece these things together into a coherent set of requirements, and I run smack dab into my old study-habit demons and ghosts.

At this rate I'll be five hundred pounds by the end of the book.

Anyway I slogged through most of it before class, only to discover I'd done the wrong week's homework. I guess that's okay as it allows me to focus more on what I'm trying to do right now, update my degree plan document.

Of course in discussing this during class I started to sound (to my ears) all whiny, and as usual people offered the usual suggestions and then gave up out of frustration and pointed out the counselling service. I can't blame them - I haven't been able to fathom my problems in 25 years, it would be a bit much for an answer to spring out of a five minute discussion. Still, I found myself back in that Same Old Place, with the demons of book-learning and the ghosts of twelve years of frustration, self-discovery, and acceptance.

Anyway I'm now working on updating my degree plan, based on feedback from the instructor, and running into another little demon: making myself read all the way through the critique before making changes. I read one thing, and I immediately want to open the source document and make a change or correction. But no, no, I need to hold back and and read all the way through the critiques and then make comprehesnive changes.

Sigh, but that's a little one at least, a little demon. I ought to be able to hold myself to read all the way through the responses before making changes. All I have to do is make myself read them... and to do that, I have to stop procrastinating by doing this...

Now, right off, I'm put off by the name. I'm just trying to be honest here, so this only reflects on me, really, not the book or the authors. But "The Craft of Research" sounds likely to be as dull as death. Nonetheless, starting Thursday of last week, I start carrying it around, trying to get myself to read it.

My eyes skate off the words in the book like Lance Armstrong hitting black ice on a curve.

Then, on Sunday, I finally realize that what I'm doing is going right through the stuff I used to experience before I stopped attending college: I'm beating myself up for being unable to study.

Step back. Deep breath.

Okay, so I'm having a hard time focusing on this book. Don't blame myself. That way lies madness and the fruitless self-flagellation of shame.

I just have to recognize, learning from books and instructions are not my forte. Why? I don't know. Whether it's a textbook like this, or a map-folded set of instructions on how to assemble particle-board shelves, any attempt to read such a thing is like forking an oily cherry tomato on a plastic picnic plate. I just can't seem to hold my attention against the text for more than about 20 seconds at a time.

So I try slicing it down. Make myself read a page at a time. When that didn't work, I tried to make myself read a paragraph at a time. A paragraph at a time seemed to work, although long paragraphs I started having to divide into a sentence at a time.

Finally I made it through most of the assigned reading in the textbook, although I still have to read a couple of handouts.. I have to confess, towards the last couple of pages, I was skimming. But I don't know, that seemed to work a bit, maybe skimming is what I need to do.

All in all, very very frustrating. I guess it was also surprising: I was hoping after fifteen years that maybe I'd "grown out of" this difficulty in learning. I guess it was silly to think that this would have changed.

I know that I'm not incapable of learning things - I mean, I researched tons of stuff regarding the Rain Queen of South Africa for my novel last November. But at the same time since I purchased the definitive book about the Rain Queen by the Krige's, I have been unable to read it through. I can reference it for specific information, I can skim it for interesting bits that jump out, but attempting to read it from the beginning has proven almost as difficult as reading "The Craft or Research."

I dunno, I'm trying to stand back from it and be dispassionate, but I am blind as to why it is I can't learn this way.

Anyway I've slogged through the text (getting the uncomfortable impression that we are about to be divided into "research groups" in our class - oh joy), and now I have the handouts to finish. Sigh.

I don't learn well this way. If I could learn HOW to learn this way, fine, I'd do it. But I signed up to PIL because I want the opportunity to learn in other ways. Granted, I accept the necessity of the planning class - I just don't enjoy being back in this position of dog-paddling while others swim...

I was starving during the second class. Since I had, as usual, left my homework to the last minute, I ended up having to print it off, and then rush to class with only a moment to grab some food. While most of Minneapolis seems to be crawing with fast food joints, the center of the U of MN campus is surprisingly devoid of commercial food outlets. I didn't want to buy absolute horror-food from the vending machines, so I was forced to stop (and lock up my bike, etc.) at Coffman Union to buy something in the store downstairs. Of course there was a line.

But I got to class okay, and actually ahead of a couple of other people, despite drifting in five minutes late.

What I don't get is what I will be doing. Projects? Well, right, but what does that mean? Writing? How many pages, and how long will it take? Or will it be something I do? Where? Will it be my job, and I just track some project and analyze it for credit? I have no idea yet.

And of course, how long should I expect this to take? I can easily see "school" being a background note to the next couple of years of my life, and that's fine. But I would like to have SOME idea.

Finally, of course, what will I do afterwards? If I get used to 'school', maybe go for a Masters? I dunno, too early to contemplate yet I think.

Instead, right now, I have to review my syllabus and figure out what my homework is supposed to be...

Had my first class last Wednesday, and one of the homework assignments is to keep a "class journal." I toyed with using my own blog for this, and I suppose I could, or still may, but I was curious about what the U has to offer, so what the heck.

The experience of returning to class was easy. I was tempted to say "easier than I thought it would be," but I really didn't think about it in advance. I don't know if it's a sign of maturity or simple agéd distraction that I just didn't give returning to college a ton of thought. It started last March when some fellow jumped out from behind a bookshelf at Border's and asked me about Continuing Education at the U of M, and I've just sort of gone with the flow.

So when it was time to go to class, I went to class, and I didn't really have any expectations or preconceptions. Again, not sure what this means.

I guess I was pleased by it though, which shows maybe I was more nervous about it than I allow myself to realize. In any event I noticed all sorts of differences between other classes I've attended and this one. I could feel myself falling back into some habits of defensiveness and detachment that classroom settings have traditionally evoked in me... but I just rejected those feelings. I think it's some kind of shyness or a feeling left over from elementary school where I was always the odd-man-out, but I have never felt comfortable in classroom settings.

So I felt that detachment coming over me, that kind of "I don't need to pay attention to this," attitude that has hampered so much of my education... and I really just stepped back from it rather naturally and easily and noted it for the reflexive reaction that it was. And I found myself able to pay attention to and engage in the class very easily at that point.

As for the class itself, and the coursework that I'm undertaking - I still can't claim to understand what it is I'm supposed to be doing, yet. But I figure that will work itself out, eventually. I guess it's helpful that I don't really feel any pressure about this - I'll either get my degree or I won't, but I don't have a lot invested in the notion. Yet.

In any event, this homework assignment, "Begin Writing in your Learning Journals" is done. Now I just need to
1) write up any questions from the reading assignment that I can formulate
2) create criteria summary listings of completed and expected courses and projects (roight!), and
3) copy essay II from my application to PIL off wherever the heck it is on my laptop...