I told you to eat shit and die, and you did. With incredible results.
It was all over the evening news, this young man who ate his own shit, then died. There were interviews with your family. All shocked. All baffled and sad and confused.
There was a round table discussion with various local persons of note. A college professor. A visiting dignitary from Guyana. Among others. All discussing the boy who ate shit, then died. All of them arguing over one another, trying to have their voices heard.
There were old high school classmates calling each other on the phone. Did you hear? OMG! Did you hear? they all said shocked and broken. OMG! Of course I heard, they all replied, all shocked and broken.
They all heard.
Your mother laughed at first, walking into your bedroom, lofted up in the attic. Shit all over your face, all over the bed and floor. What kind of mischief have you gotten yourself into now, young man, she said smiling with her hands on her hips. She didn't know yet how you had eaten your shit, then died. She didn't know yet that it had been me who suggested it to you in the first place. She better not find out, either, or I'm in big trouble, mister.
You mentioned it in passing that you might be interested in a threesome with your hot girlfriend. Now it's all he ever talks about.
Sometimes you wish you had never brought her up. Besides, your boyfriend is fat with a small penis. Not your girlfriends type at all. Plus, then she would know you've been lying all these boring years.