I recently wrote a fake customer service response to one of my friends who has experienced poor customer service when dealing with Comcast. Below is what I said...
We at Comcast are sorry to hear about the troubles you have experienced with Internet speeds in your home and in your neighborhood. Your satisfaction as a Comcast customer is our top priority, and we are actively investigating the cause of your decreased Internet speed.
After thorough investigation, we found that your slowed Internet connection was the direct cause of government hardware (modem) testing around your neighborhood. We received numerous call notifying us about similar slowed Internet connections, and we hope that the lack of testing will now allow your Internet speeds to climb back to their normal speeds.
Additionally, we are aware that you have experienced difficulties communicating with our Midwest representatives over the phone, and we would like to notify you that this is in part due to the traumatic events that befell the east coast earlier this month. We were forced to relocate many of our telephone maintenance representatives in order to provide extra support to the thousands of Americans who were affected.
In these trying times we ask you to bear with us as we continue to provide relief to those were unfortunate enough to stand in the way of hurricane Sandy. Keep in mind that when natural disasters strike, people lose much more than their Internet connections. Nevertheless, we value your loyalty as a customer and encourage you to continue using Comcast. God Bless America.