June 9, 2005

like jelly in a jar

Q: What do all these animals have in common?

...

A: THEY'RE DEAD.

Pet preservation. One word: creepy. I would not want my dead dog staring back at me 365 days a year.

This is different from traditional taxidermy. Most taxidermists won't touch pets because they can't get them to look the same at all. But with pet preservation, they freeze the animal, use some sort of vaccuum that sucks out all the moisture, so then you're left with a frozen, but now dry (and therefore not meltable) animal. Pretty gross if you ask me.

If you want to always see Schnookums there, get a painting done, or a sculpture, or just anything other than the carcass sitting right there in your living room.

And don't make pillows out of your beloved animals either. That's just as creepy.

Posted by ause0007 at 2:15 PM

cops

Why are humans so much more important than animals? I don't know. When your dog is about to die, and police action would help, why won't 911 send a few cops your way? Because people are dumb. Surely a few cops patrolling the area would be able to help out. If some emergency happened while they were helping the dog, they could take off, I understand that, but not doing anything is ridiculous. If no emergency happens, and you don't go for the dog, all you end up doing is killing a dog for nothing. People are dumb.

Luckily it's not like this all the time. Since Sophie Jack has disappeared, we've been patrolling the brush where we spotted her. The first night, we had no light to look into this heavily-brushed brush. We slowly got dinky flashlights over the period of a few hours, but even they didn't do much help. Then my boss went and got the cops, and they came over and put on all five of their super bright spotlights, and rolled them across the brush. They even got out and helped look with us. It was very kind of them, but unfortunately, we still didn't find Sophie. It's the thought that counts though, and I appreciate it to no end.

Posted by ause0007 at 10:03 AM

June 6, 2005

roast duck

So your dog eats a rubber ducky. What do you do? You should take them to the vet, but if you're Magnus Mellgren, you leave it alone thinking it will dissolve. Smart move! After sitting in his stomach for five years, Apollo the boxer had to go into surgery to have the duckie removed. Turns out, the duckie did not dissolve at all. It had turned black, and rock hard, and kept its little duckie shape.

Posted by ause0007 at 2:45 PM

Lassieless Lassie

People are outraged! What this time, right?

People are outraged that the Lassie in the newest Lassie movie, is not a descendant of the original Lassie. Oh, who the hell cares?

Every Lassie, aside from this one, in every Lassie movie or television show ever made, has been a descendant of the first Lassie. Yes, it's a neat little factoid, but is it really worthy of outrage when the reign ends? It is clearly a case of canine nepotism... and it's all for PR's sake. So really, who the hell cares?

Posted by ause0007 at 2:13 PM

June 2, 2005

catbot

Look at these cats. Do they look like real cats to you? No, I didn't think so.

This is supposed to be the answer for the elderly, the allergic, the disabled... a "lifelike" cat that looks NOTHING like a cat. It purrs, it meows, it hisses, it opens and closes its eyes, stretches its paws, arches its back. It's just like a real cat... except not.

These things have been around for a few years, but only in Japan. It's a little nuts, but I can understand why they do it. What I don't understand however, is why they need to make it look like it just stepped out of a nightmare. We're in the new millenium, alright? If you're going to make a robot, at least make it so it doesn't look like it came out of the 80s. This is not Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Posted by ause0007 at 3:12 PM

June 1, 2005

nut jobs

My mom has three cats: one boy, two girls. I happened to call the day the boy got fixed. "Colby got his nuggets chopped off," she told me.

As it turns out, Colby could've kept his nuggets.

Do you know what a Neuticle is? Would you like to take a guess?

I'll give you a hint: It's just like how it sounds. It's a new testicle. But the important little detail the name doesn't tell you is that it's FOR YOUR PET!

Yes, they sell testicle implants for your beloved animals. They come in all shapes and sizes... even a horse or a bull can get Neuticles! Not sure what size to get yours?... check out the sizing chart! You can even choose the firmness of your pet's new testicles.



from left to right: NeuticlesORIGINAL, NeuticlesNATURAL, and NeuticlesULTRA with ScarRetard

What? ScarRetard? The only thing retarded here is the idea to give your pets new testicles. Has the world gone completely mad? Have they gone nuts for nuts? Yeah, it's too bad that Colby lost his nuggets, but it's just a part of life. We can't have him running around impregnating all the girls... and we certainly will not put silicone into his ass.

As if the Neuticles weren't ridiculous enough, these days your pets can get a number of cosmetic surgeries done: facelifts, breast reductions, eyelifts, and even liposuction. A former vet (and now dog breeder) in Brazil is taking pet plastic surgery a little too far if you ask me. He has used Botox to make dogs' eyelashes look nicer and has even "tightened" the nipples of a few dogs.

Posted by ause0007 at 3:23 PM

May 31, 2005

Genetic Savings and Clone

Cloning. I'm surprised I haven't touched on this earlier. The cloning-your-pets thing puts dumb people at their finest.

Why clone? I love my animals. I will be devastated when they die. But it's a pet's personality that makes them great, and that doesn't come packaged in DNA. Personality is a result of life-experiences. Just like with us humans, our lives are what shape us into what we are.

Take two cats, genetically identical. Drop one off in Gary, Indiana. Drop the other off in Evanston, Illinois. Wait a few years. Take both cats from the environment in which they grew up. Study them. There's no question that those genetically identical animals will be nothing alike. If your precious Evanston kitty dies, a clone won't replace her. This is kind of an extreme example, because your clone kitty probably wouldn't be a Gary cat, but the point is that even your kitty and a cloned counterpart will have different life experiences and will therefore not be the same at all.

You can clone your cat and she'll look just like your Schnookums, but she won't be Schnookums. When Schnookums dies, Schnookums dies. Cloning won't bring that cat back. So why spend a fortune for a cat you know nothing about (other than their appearance) when you can pick up a cat that actually needs you, and will appreciate you?

If you ask me, cloning is for people that can't accept that death is a part of life. People die, pets die, it hurts, you move on, you meet new people, new animals, and although there'll never be another Schnookums, there will be a Snowball. So deal with it. Snowball will be great. Geez, just give Snowball a chance!

Posted by ause0007 at 5:00 PM

smart moves

Without animals, people would be dead. Why? Because people are dumb.

A Maryland couple's house burned down on Sunday. They had no electricity since a few days before the fire and their smoke detectors didn't work... so they were lighting the joint with candles. Smart move! Then they decided that they could go to sleep and leave the candles lit. Smart move number two! Just before six in the morning, the house was blazing, and they were still sleeping. They would be dead, except then their pet cats came and saved them.

Posted by ause0007 at 3:03 PM

turtle derby

The leatherback turtle is the largest of living turtles. It is also an endangered species, and has been since 1970. So what did a selfish Albanian fisherman do when he found one trapped in his fishing net? He swapped it for a Mercedes... only slightly used, of course. I think my faith in humans just got lost at sea.

Posted by ause0007 at 12:42 PM

May 26, 2005

Huggy loves cheese

Lots of people spoil their pets. It's natural to want to do so. However, most just spoil them with attention. You often see the over-doer though, the one who bought their cat a 12-level jungle gym, or perhaps sprays their pup with Evian Mist. And there's always a few that insist their cat loves caviar, even though they probably like a cheap can of tuna more. But a mystery eBay shopper just bought a nearly $300 chunk of cheese... for his cat.

The chunk of cheese in question, weighing in at only 10.6 ounces, is an ultra-strong cheddar based on a hundred-year-old recipe. And it's called "TNT." Is it just me, or is this all becoming semi-reminscent of an old Tom and Jerry episode?

Posted by ause0007 at 2:51 PM

May 24, 2005

Dolittles do little

Pet psychics: Are they just like those late-night television ads of the late 90s urging you to call the Psychic Hotline for $1.99 per minute? Or can they really talk to your animals?

A North Carolina woman is claiming she can talk to animals telepathically, and she doesn't even need to be there. Yes, she can even do it over the telephone. Starting to sound a bit more like the Psychic Hotline, eh?

For the kind of money she's pulling down, I would probably claim I could talk to animals too. Like the people who call up psychic hotlines, the people who want to talk to pet psychics are pretty desperate. And desperation is the platform on which psychics want you to stand. You'll believe anything. And you'll pay anything to hear it.

An awesome article (which I recommend reading in its entirety) from Skeptical Inquirer magazine notes five techniques of pet psychics:
1. Noting the obvious
2. Making safe statements
3. Asking questions (aka fishing for info)
4. Offering vague statements that most people can apply specifically to themselves
5. Returning "messages" to animals (aka pausing for a moment)

According to the article, pet psychics use the same technique fortune tellers use for humans, called "cold-reading." In English: "psychics, the manipulative bastards, don't know jack-squat... except what you tell them, idiot."

Animal Planet has a show called The Pet Psychic. When visiting the show's website, you can find "simple steps to making a psychic connection with your pet" from The Pet Psychic herself, Sonya Fitzpatrick. Tip no. 5 of hers states: "Ask if there is anything your pet would like you to do for him. Imagine your animal is sending an answer back to you and accept whatever you receive in your imagination." Am I simply imagining the word "imagination," or is that really there? Is it just me, or is she actually admitting that psychic ability is really up to one's imagination?

I would like to state for the record that Dr. Dolittle is one of my favorite movies. But it also goes without saying that I don't believe one word of it.

Posted by ause0007 at 4:34 PM

May 23, 2005

poo police

Every now and again, some butthead politician comes up with some ridiculous idea for a law that just makes you go "HUH?"

That butthead politician is currently Manfred Juraczka, a local Vienna politician who wants to perform DNA tests on the steaming brown left by dogs on the sidewalk. Why? To punish owners who don't baggie up the doody, of course. Fines could cost as much as US $284, not counting the cost of the DNA testing, which would also need to be paid by the offending owners.

So what does this whole thing require? Shat samples of all of the 50,000+ dogs in Vienna? Will there be a storage facility somewhere to hold all this poo? What kind of DNA testing specialist is going to want to spend their lives poking sidewalk leftovers?

And I thought the cat leash law was a pile of crap.

Posted by ause0007 at 7:35 PM