January 8, 2006

lets take a sad minute

well it's not long before the sun finally comes out. it's been 16 days without a drop of sunlight. then this morning, a blaze of silver donned the land and shadows found themselves again. miraculous. did well for the mood i must say, also splitting wood in the backyard was a quick fun with the Dad. generally it appears as if i'm coming out of the brief funk incurred last week, perhaps it's my system finally ridding itself of the high doses of poison i'd been ingesting. most people call it beer & booze. f'in poison.
well, the lady is no tramp. it's been written. not totally confirmed but it's just my opinion. actually i haven't yet met the woman whom i refer to but i can count on running into her at least if my premonition has any merit. which it may or may not, at least with regard to my sex drive. dreamt about a click of trannies, who really weren't just men who'd had surgery. the real thing. luckily it was only a dream. despite my preferences i can say honestly that i'd do much better to get involved with an actual girl. i know i'd be missing out on a few extras, but it's just so much more natural.
anyway, gotta head to the print shop for a bit. shells, they say. fractal shells. should turn out allright, we'll see.

January 7, 2006

another bashful evening

toward the end of a prime day upon which i spent time extended with a fine friend of mine, i found myself having had entirely too much to drink. at the time i had regarded my status as nothing more than an opinion held by a notably incoherent bouncer who felt himself quite the citizen for pointing this fact out to me. today i condsider myself lucky a few other local patrons had drew the attention of a couple of officers, otherwise i probably would have been fisted in the temple, or perhaps the jaw. not that i wuldn't have desevered it, but it isn't always too flattering to have your mere presence designate completely to another human being your entire lack of wantedness. so i sobered up outside, chatting with the officers as they attempted to sort out a matter which was absolutely none of my business. i ended up cutting this activity short when i was informed that if i did not desist my casual inquiry into the affairs of the Madison Police Department, that they certainly would have some business with me very soon that same evening. so for a while i managed to keep interested by bumming cigarettes and trying to signal those friends which had left me outside the establishment without knowing that it was becoming quite difficult for me to get in. now while i do not recall any specific act which would have negated any merit i held with the bouncer himself, and i seldom find myself in the position of disrespect toward such individuals, this apparently meant little to those i accompanied. likely this was due to the fact that i didn't have much standing with the three of the four and the fouth, although we good friends, was a tad off the deep end and apparently couldn't put together that i wasn't being allowing in. the others didn't seem to mind that much that i wasn't around, not knowing that i was entirely harmless to their plot of taking my friend home with them (i'd actually become a somewhat regular and somewhat inspired chauffeur to her less-than sober minded booty calls).
now as last call rolled about (actually it was more of a reckless crash into the curb), i was surprised to find my friend having little desire to leave with the boy she knew. i don't know how much my actions may have played in the outcome, but i doubt i was malicious. had i been i surely wouldn't have been the one giving her a ride later. now while waiting outside the bar eariler it had been my complete intention to wander drunk for the next half hour so that i may see just who i ran into. see it's a small town and i usually don't go a block before i meet some group of terribly chummy folks, at least not during those hours. and seeing as how i had really no qualms with giving up my responsibilities as a wingman (which had been losing the charm as i continuied to end up as the wing), it seemed like i would likely fare a lot better on my own. the only problem lay in communicating my exodus to those inside. hand signals through the glass didn't seem to be working. the fact that none inside knew i wasn't able to enter seemed to be of detriment as well. and of course the sordidly blatant inebriation we were both were entertaining also played a role. my friend didn't seem to quicky to accept that i might abandon the locale and seek prospertity futher down the street. while i myself often find that an alteration of group dynamics can lead to a more intimate setting, this certainly didn't seem to be what my friend was shooting for. my judgement indeed wasn't too great. it was hard for me to see that she had expected me to be there the whole time. which i wouldn't have minded much, but i was bored with the guy she'd called friends, and i held a lot of contempt for the place that they were at. she also didn't seem like she was going to be any help in getting me some ass. not that i enjoy picking up girls at bars. it never really became much a habit for me. can't say i've yet had trouble getting off in the process of rubbing skin with a female. i suppose it's more that i've got a few too many dreams in my head to admit the plain truth that just about any two persons can happily fuck, provided they know absolutely nothing important about each other.
so today is saturday. probably go out and meet up with some kids. no one seems to be calling me back as of late so i suppose my talents as a lush have been shining to those around me as much as myself. anyway i'm not looking for too much anyway. in fact, i don't even want to go party, i'd rather just have a few drinks with AZ and talk about the kind of shit we talk about (namely 'life').
anyway did that night ever really end? yes. at about 9am the next day i left the guy's house feeling like shit. physically i wasn't so bad off but my heart wasn't faring so well and ill thougts were abound. we'd gotten in a fight on the way over. she was mad at me the next day, i was sad at me. why? because i can't always hold up my end of the stick. sometimes i think my end is harder to hold up for me than her end is for her. but i guess the grass is always greener, especially when you forget to keep the lawn mowed.

January 2, 2006

toward widget mongering

I didn't really do much the past few days. Create, myself told me but it didn't really seem like there was all too much there to say. Well anyway, I don't suppose that it's going to be too long before I've got not enough time to really get into that which I suppose I ought to be doing without any real reason why except for that it sounds like a place to be. What am I? Prolific young mind on the way toward a career? I feel like an amateur scientist, magician, and artist without the right energy to really get into all three. Yet that's my goal, that's what I want with myself (for now). I don't really know why I've come to use the term magician, which what I really mean is 'energy practitioner'. Hmm, that sounds a little better. So maybe perhaps I ought to make a list of things to do:
Make a resume, advertise myself perhaps.

+media designer/fabricator
+system modeling
+energy control/propagation/manipulation\
+dream consciousness (auditory trance)

How to get there? For the professional goal, it all begins with a standard interface to media. Namely, pixel level support and build up from there. Looks like the immediate things are a small image creation library. Actually, those already exist. So just go straight to some generic programming examples and a quick sketch of the Holon 'attitude' in c++; hmm, sounds like a good way to describe what I’m trying to do. Not really a language, just an attitude for using c++ to generalize dynamics.

January 1, 2006

some new stuff

The new year, all glory, so much pain and a good dose of liminals. It wasn't like it had too much to do with the other side of the past, but more along the lines of "welp, yeah i guess thats a year". I can't really complain, probably won't and certainly shouldn't, but for now i'll take a moment...
I need new friends. I already have a friend, but we don't live in the same town and I shouldn't be drinking that much anyway. So some assortment of individuals with whom I can collaborate toward the appraisal of moments seems like a good bet. My experiences with my roomates, with whom I share many habits, actually do not encompass the complete vibe which I could pallate. So some acquiantances that may share my vision for a sparkling, dismal future may just fit me right.
I need a job. Ought to find something in my field. This requires forwardness and probably a failure, or perhaps just a few generally bitter drags. Besides that it's a great way to get some excitement and some self esteem.
We'll there ain't much else to put in front of me. Now, about what to put behind I do wonder...
-visions of grandjouer
-blunts when I shouldn't have
-passiveness in the face of action
-those pesky binges
That oughta do it.
Renewal bakes lucid across the dim shades of brown and grey. Here comes the wind again.

December 31, 2005

toward a loonism

well we've got jst another few hours before the year turns. it really doesn't mean anything special to me, all that jazz about how to better oneself for the next year. I spend enough time thinking about that crap during the year and it doesn't seem to fit very will into a druken "last night on the town" sort of mold. if it's time to push it all behind and start anew, why kick it off with such beligerance? seems just wrong to me. so as I may find myself stumbling, dizzy, over-fizzed and a tad smashed later this eve, i now contemplate just how much it will take to turn the night ahead into something.... well, fun. i guess there's just too much on the line on nights like these that i just don't seem to be able to keep it all under wraps, it gets dis-razzled pretty quick when the liquor's flowing good. anyway, if anything i've got to remeber to try very hard to keep myself from maiming any lifeforms, especially myself this evening. also should probably watch out for a few friends, cab's are free if i recall.
well what's to do? fireworks and a bonsifre was one way, also urban rummagings seem to overtake the general plan as most valid. we shall see.
oh, a few resolutions i suppose:
-put myself out there more
-accept losses, mistakes, and total fuck-ups.
-set dealines for personal work
-don't stare at people so much (you know what i mean)

anyway, that's it for now. i've got plenty of time to keep writing though so i'll continue on some off tangent streak which may some day come to define that process which i have given so little to in the long run. it seems again that to publish such mockery of stanza doesn't really hit me too left, in fact i remain starlight backdrop and all a blaze as far as i can tell.