? Second night of BSL | Main | Trumpety-Trump-Trump, Trumpety-Trumpety-Trump ?
November 04, 2005
slow-motion nightmare
Today was an interesting idea. It started out as a sleepy dream and progressed into a tired daydream. I wandered through my mind, fading in and out, contemplating my slow-motion movements and slurred thoughts.
I was there at work trying to get some work done. Everything I started was delayed and interupted and rescheduled. Every task required unexpected steps to accomplish. I finally discovered that I was fighting a fog. I was resisting a quicksand that tightened the more I struggled. When I realized that I just needed to do what I had to do without worrying about the end result, I was able to move forward. As the afternoon wore on I was mentally involved in what I was doing, almost losing track of time, leaving work late instead of watching the clock waiting for the day to be over. Analyzing the nature of resistence, it is like the slow-motion nightmare. We know it's not real but can't seem to get out of it fast enough. The 'enemy' is catching up to us and we move slower and slower until we are consumed. Worry about the outcome can be a source of resistence. Instead of focusing on things that actually solve our dilemma, we focus on the fear and worry and it makes us feel like we are helpless. When we focus on troubleshooting, step by step, one step leading to another, unfolding the hidden causes, time unwraps itself and reveals clarity. The fog lifts and our speed is natural and free. Doing and being healthy and free of fear is not always easy when we are slogging in self-doubt and fear of what is going to happen, and it is really the focus on working it out that will set us free.
After I realized work was over today, I shut everything down, rode over to the bike shop and had a good conversation with Terry and Tom. Then I rode over to a grocery store on 7th where we got a 50 cent soda from the machine outside and sat talking for a while. The thought that struck me was, "This is a good use of my time." In a time when I'm incredibly busy, have a lot of committments, I'm riding my bike with Tom, going to movies with Tom, eating dinner with Tom and chatting with Tom. At a time when I am overloaded with thoughts about how things will turn out, spending time with Tom seems like a good use of time, building a relationship and friendship, which will do more to solve problems in this life than worrying about outcomes. We always worry about outcomes and results don't we? We tend to worry about how it will all play out, when it's playing out as we go through it. In this case I feel like I'm aware that this is the real part and not the fog, the quicksand. As I go through it, I am creating a friendship and hearing another soul tell his story.
Tonight I was invited to go check out some Jazz with a good trumpet player at the Artist's Quarters in downtown St. Paul. So it will be a nice night out with a new friend enjoying some good music. This is a new friend that's really into music. He's a great guy and loves to play guitar himself. I have a feeling I'll be going to the open mic night sometime to hear him play. I feel like this is and important part of going through it, being aware of other's needs and giving not only our time, but also our friendship and ear. Going through it being aware of the tasks at hand we are not in quicksand or a nightmare, but know we are right where we are supposed to be and when we look at the time, we can hardly believe the shift is over. I am right where I'm supposed to be. Going to hear some Jazz trumpet with a new friend.
Posted by carl1236 at November 4, 2005 08:25 PM | Attitude