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December 14, 2005
Today was a strange day.
Today I went to a meeting with my boss for my performance evaluation. Can't believe he reiterated the same points that I've filed a grievance against in almost every performance item! His reprimands failed to produce the results he intended so now he has tried to put it in my performance evaluation. This man is making things up and doesn't even see how his behavior is the cause of all of the problems in our department. The truth behind all of this is how he treats other people.
I didn't sleep well last night because I was having nightmares about my performance review. I knew I felt uneasy and he was too self-assured when going into it. But I don't think he expected me to stand up for myself. He feels justified in his treatment of me. I just happen to be the current target of his power struggle. A bully uses tactics of intimidation and doesn't speak in specific truths, just generalizations and lies to achieve power over another person.
It seems like my life is involved with a few of these people lately and there is a reason I'm sure.
I had a good talk with one of my coworkers, who told me a good story (she was also verbally abused by our manager. She was his target before me.) She said that through all of this, she has learned to stand up for herself. She relayed how this has changed her life over the past years and in defending herself against our bosses abusive behavior she learned to respect herself and realize that she is not the fault here. She also spent countless hours not sleeping and getting stressed out about work. Our boss just doesn't get it. He feels justified in how he treats other people. And it's all about personal power over other people. It has nothing to do with our job performance. She is constantly going above and beyond her duties, but yet has to defend herself against her supervisor's patronizing and abusive behaviors. It's too bad.
I stayed until 6:47pm at work writing responses to every negative comment he wrote in my performance evaluation with specific examples of how I was communicating with him and accomplishing my tasks at work. I know and most of the people around me know that I'm doing a good job and work well with others. I really am a team player and I get along great with the other team players. But my boss isn't a team player, he's a bully. So what can I do also. Like several others in our department, we have to document and defend ourselves. He isn't changing. He's abusive and non-communicative with us and isolates himself in his cubicle. If anyone contradicts him he goes on the offensive and attacks that person's character. I feel better now that the review is over. I submitted my comments and have a meeting tomorrow with his supervisor to hopefully resolve the issue of the grievance finally. I don't know what to expect in this meeting but given my bosses presentation of my performance review, he must think that my grievance against the reprimand for the same issues will stand. It's so strange. My wife said that, of course, no-one believes they are wrong, and that we all somehow justify our attitudes, beliefs and actions. Yes, somehow he feels like he is right. I think there is a problem too, but not with my performance or willingness to work with him. The problem is with how he manages and treats other people.
I see great beauty in having all of this thrown at me at once, including the abusive and unprofessional behavior in the non-profit organization I'm working with. I am learning a great lesson about work and ethics and behavior and learning how to stand up for myself. I just didn't think I would have to stand up for myself when I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. But I've had to learn to calm myself and talk rationally and with specifics. This can only help me in the future (and the present) Good communication is a two-way street and to improve communications, generalizations and accusations have to be broken down into specific actions and desired outcomes. My boss refuses to do this. So communications break down. So I have had to be specific and ask for specifics from him. He still doesn't get it, but I will not lose sleep over it tonight. Today I gave my fortune cookie message that I've been saving, taped to my computer monitor, to my coworker who told me about her experiences with my boss and how it has helped her. The message was, "See the beauty in everything." I am starting to, but man is it hard sometimes while we are in the middle of the storm. (not the eye of the storm, but IN it)
I had a good reafirming night at the bike shop with some of our regular volunteers. It put things in perspective and showed me that I was on the right track. It's amazing what can be done when everyone cooperates and has the best interests of other people in mind. What a great group of people I'm working with there.
Posted by carl1236 at December 14, 2005 10:57 PM | Attitude