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December 22, 2005
Wine and Cheese
We went to a 'wine and cheese' party. There were about 15 bottles of various wines on the buffet and a table full of good food and cheeses. It was kind of interesting being the designated driver at an event like this. I could definatetly tell the difference in behaviour between those who drank in moderation and those who imbibed a ltttle too much wine. But it was family and lifetime friends and connections sharing good food, wine and conversation. The event was kind of fun, in that it was a 'dress-up' event where all the guests were supposed to wear their finest. Two of the men wore tuxes. As one of them put it, "Because I have one, and there are not many opportunities to wear one." I found a wool jacket in my closet and wore black pants, black mock turtle, a thin black leather belt with small brass wire buckle, black mocasin-toed dress shoes and for the occasion, I cut my hair again. My wife wore a new, elegent black dress with a new soft, pink-fuzzy sweater over it. All of it was a fancy excuse to spend some time with each other. This whole wine and cheese party idea actually is a monthly event for the women in this family, except for this holiday party, they chose to invite all the men. This got me thinking about gatherings with friends and family and what these gatherings mean. I think we bring ourselves together with other people to feel that connection, or human/spiritual bond between each other. And we will use any excuse to do so. No-one wants to be alone really. Yeah sure, we need peace and solitude also, but it's the overall connection and love and acceptance we want with each other. Basically, everyone wants, needs, to be loved. Any excuse to group ourselves together accomplishes at least part of that.
But often we dread these holiday gatherings instead of looking forward to them. Why is that? With some of these parties there can also be a lot of pressure, when we feel like we have to live up to other's expectations, or our own expectations. Our own expectations of ourselves can be brutal sometimes. And our own view of other's expectations can be brutal. They can be brutal and stressful and defeat the purpose of coming together in the first place. For example, my wife fretted over the hors d'oeuvres she was bringing. She feels like because she is a 'personal chef' that she has to bring something noteworthy and spectacular. And then this expectation is kind of reinforced when people start looking for her hors d'oeuvres and make comments like, "She must have brought this one, she always brings something really amazing." That person I overheard by the table was right of course, and my wife did a fantastically beautiful hor d'oeuvre that tasted great. But she went through considerable stress worrying and searching through recipes to decide what to bring. We can put a lot of pressure on ourselves. It may be worth it because art is sometimes worth a lot of effort. And we do want to be accepted and loved, so this is another way for us to feel esteemed in other people's eyes. Another example, my sister-in-law is a beautiful, vibrant, outgoing woman who never lacks in something to say. It's a natural that she works in sales. When she was getting ready for the party, she accidently burnt her neck with the curling iron and it left a mark. She worried about it a lot before coming to the party and even during the beginning of the party. The truth is, the mark wasn't that big and when she smiles and talks to people she really engages them and no-one notices her neck anyway. I didn't notice until she pointed it out embarrassingly. But she didn't want people to stare at it so she worried about it. Then when she discovered that people didn't really concern themselves with the burn mark, she relaxed and forgot about it. She was beautiful and charming as usual. And then there were the expectations and worries surrounding our jobs, social position and standings. There is the question that always comes up, "John, what do you do for a living?" I answer, we talk about it, I ask what they do, etc. It's a stressful topic for many people because it's tied to our own sense of self-worth and what we see as 'successful.' There are many variations of this discussion too, like "What is your major?" But it all boils down to the same thing, sometimes there is a lot of pressure on us to present ourselves in a certain way we feel we will be accepted and loved.
At first I didn't really see the point of a 'wine and cheese' party, since I'm not really fanatical about either. Sure I like them, but a special themed party where we have to dress in our 'finest' is a little out of my norm. I don't even own a full suit, let alone a tux. But I was missing the point. Totally. It's not about the wine and cheese at all. It's another excuse to come together. Then I was happy to go and get to know people better and 'connect' with friends and family. It was very nice. And my wife was happy I was there. I got to hold her arm on the slippery driveway and street and talk about her cooking. Though I did not talk about my activities much, I really loved helping other's feel accepted and loved. These really are wonderful people, and seeing that is part of the family gathering. Letting go of our expectations and stress is important to connection with others. As I was cutting my own hair before the party, I had to let go of my fear of doing a crappy job and having someone notice the bad haircut. But at the party no-one noticed my little mistakes with the clippers. It was fine. I didn't tell anyone that I have been cutting my own hair for a while now. Anyway, remembering the purpose of coming together is not for appearances, but to connect with other people and feel accepted and loved and help them do the same, it gives us a new attitude to prep our minds for a party. It's a viewpoint that allows us to be who we are and to be genuinely interested in who others are. Then there will be no worries or fear that can compare with the results of this attitude. It was a great party. Oh yeah, and there was wine and cheese there.
Posted by carl1236 at December 22, 2005 11:23 PM | Attitude