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March 11, 2010

Marriage Fears, Expectations, Anticipations!

Ever thought about getting married? Are you married? I am 20 and I don't worry. I know everything works out. Actually I'm a basket case for other reasons. Saying I love you was the easy part, now I have to go and face my father-in-law and do the right thing. I have to ask permission to take his daughter back to Texas with me. It's not going to be easy standing there and looking him in the eye and talking. But my only saving grace is that I can stand there and honestly say I will take care of his daughter and won't let anything bad happen to her.
I can not promise that I know what I am doing. But I do not have to be afraid of going back on my word to not hurt her. In actuality, the gravity of this one moment might solidify my resolve to not let her or him down. I wish every parent would have these talks with future son-in-laws.
This is how I feel. Scared of standing up for myself and for what me and my girlfriend decided together. Scared that somehow I won't measure up to this successful business man that has a mind as sharp as a tack. Scared of being just a punk that will use her and hurt her whole family. They would tell her, "I told you to listen to me!." Well, ok, maybe that's just my fear talking. I think they are all wonderful people. I love her mom already. She's so nice to me every time I talk to her. I think about my girlfriend's future when I look at her mom. Seriously. If my wife turns out with a heart like hers, my life could not turn out better.
What do I expect out of this? I don't know. I don't really. I really am not thinking like that right now. I'm thinking that this feels right and we talked about it and we both like the idea of being together. I don't want to kill the mood by being practical either. And no she is not pregnant! But let's think about that statement.
I asked myself, If she were pregnant, would I marry her? Yes, I answered. I would. I have too much pride and honor to walk out on that responsibility. Then I asked myself. If I love her enough to marry her if she were pregnant, do I love her enough to marry her even if she were not? I answered yes again. Commitment by logic! That's me. That's why I'm going to speak to her father. That's why I asked her to come back to Texas with me. I made a commitment in my own mind and heart. I follow through.
It's not just that I follow through, It's also that I'm really comfortable with my girlfriend. I know that she adores me, and that she is thrilled by getting my letters in the mail, and that she has so deeply fallen for me. I fear that also. I fear that when I wrote all those letters, somehow my inner feelings I so freely shared in letters could not be lived up to. I feel like I could betray my words by admitting that I'm still a young 20-year-old explorer on an adventure.
But then I come back to my original feeling, that when I know I feel comfortable with her, I feel her good heart, know that she adores me, has fallen in love with me, and that I could do no better, I have courage enough to stand in that room with her dad...
"Sir, I would like to bring your daughter back to Texas with me." Oh, God this is hard! I'm sweating. I am a soldier. I am old enough to die for my country! I am an adult! I should not be afraid, but I am.

Thoughts from 1983

Posted by carl1236 at March 11, 2010 9:16 PM | Journal in a Jar | Life