Live Alive

Category "Life"

March 23, 2008

Castles in Castles in Castles

Why do we build castles? And rows upon rows of castles inside of our castles. With gates and moats and walls to defend against the neighboring castles, we create our kingdoms in the sand. I do it too, but forget why.

Posted by carl1236 at 07:01 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

February 22, 2008

A cup of coffee, a cat on the monitor

What a simple, peaceful, quiet time it is to sip on a cup of coffee in the early morning, the cat laying on top of the monitor while reading and typing. The only problem is when the cat decides to jump off the montor onto the keyboard to get to my lap. Then this happens lsdfna;sdvn alvk 'andvpbja9bj aldsgjadfob n 09u4t0
She has five toes you know. but sometimes she hits the delete key.
What a beautiful thing it is to have a cat sitting in your lap while reading and sipping on coffee.

Posted by carl1236 at 06:31 AM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

December 07, 2007

Time

I know I've talked about time before. As if time is something I really understand. Over the years I've come to realize that I really know nothing about time. I feel like I should though, considering I'm getting closer to the end of my physical life than the beginning.
I will just start this by saying, "I don't have tiime to do everything I want to do."
It seems I have to either want to do less or do less than I want.
Of course time is a constant in which change happens. So what is the change happening in me? I am aging. I'm learning. I'm working out, exercising my muscles, I'm doing stuff.
And recharching my energy levels by sleeping and relaxing. So why do we have to change? I wonder what would happen if we stopped changing? Would we be dead then?

Posted by carl1236 at 12:47 AM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

September 29, 2007

Arcosanti near Scottsdale, Arizona

I haven't been there and will probably forget this place before I am able to venture to Arizona, but it is interesting. On September 16th the New York Times had an article describing Arcosanti and Arcology, a made up term to describe this style of eco-design/living. Cosanti is an experimental city in the Arizona desert, designed by Italian Architect Paolo Soleri. It was started in 1970 and still in construction. It was designed to redesign the 'City' and our relationship to the planet.
I don't want to be critical without first understanding the principles behind it, but I will be critical with the caveat that this is just a feeling i had...
How can you design a city without people first? This City will consist of all people who buy into the architects dream of what the city should be like. Like-minded people all in their own cultish way supporting someone's vision. And that may work for a designed culture, but how about for existing urban centers that are dying? Maybe some of the ideas can be transferred, but more likely they are filtered because they probably wouldn't let joe schmoe move in and start an adult sex toy shop, or let a messy recycling operation co-exist with the chamber orchestra. People's individual dreams and the striving to reach them really seem to fuel a thriving community. Those dreams are chaotic and extremely diverse. Not so in a utopian vision of architected lifestyle. I should really learn more about the experimental city, but this feels like to me to be just like so many other architectural/social constructions, where the design is created and then the people are found to live the vision. Seems backwards to me. I would like to see planners and architects find a community and redesign it to meet whatever the community needs and want's, to bring them closer and help them all fulfill their own dreams, no matter how chaotic and vibrant that gets. Is that possible?

Posted by carl1236 at 05:26 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Balance"

Category "Life"

Category "Triathlons"

Category "Writing"

September 24, 2007

A trilogy of obsession

I will be doing the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) beginning in November. 50,000 words in 30 days. Enough said. I'll blog about it here when I'm going through it, beginning November 1.

I have begun to use a cool new cataloging system online to catalog all of my books in my library. Let's see, if I catalog a book a day...over a thousand books I'm sure...I might get it done before my children have to get rid of it all when I pass away. I have a whole room full of floor-to-ceiling shelves stuffed with books, containing all kinds of things that I'm interested in. I'll share the link to my Library Catalog here as soon as I can.

I ran seven miles on Sunday. I don't feel like it's enough. Enough said on that.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:27 PM | Comments (0) | Balance | Life | Triathlons | Writing

Category "Life"

August 15, 2007

Magic Kingdom For Sale

I just finished reading all five of the Landover series of books by Terry Brooks. The premise is simple: The grass is always greener on the other side. So what happens when we take the bait and go for the greener grass and find out it's not what we expected? Make the best of it and discover that making the best of it makes us feel more alive. The fun is in the struggle.

One funny thing about the stories in these books is that many of the evil, bad characters were exiled from Landover. To where? Here in the U.S. of course. That explains a lot! haha.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:29 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Life"

June 12, 2007

Busy, busy

My training is ramping up, I've just completed my first sprint triathlon of the year, I'm taking a Russian refresher class, I'm working at the bike shop, working on vehicles, repairing my house... I'm busy every day of the week now it seems.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:05 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

May 30, 2007

New Old New

I bought a motorcycle. It broke. I fixed it. It took three weeks but I had to wait for parts, twice. So I've been driving my motorcycle back and forth to work every day this week, relearning how to drive one. I had a motorcycle a few years ago and gave it away. Now I have one again. It's a fun to drive. It's almost the same kind of bike that I had before, only one year newer. So instead of a 750 - 4 Honda motorcycle made in 1978 I'm driving a 1979 Yamaha 750 triple.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:06 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

May 03, 2007

The excitment of Dogs

When we come home, the dogs go wild. They spin around and wag their whole bodies! It's so funny and cute! All of life should be like this, don't you think?

Posted by carl1236 at 08:30 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 15, 2007

Working on Bikes is Fun!

Today I cleaned and organized the bike shop, and did some basic bike maintenance on my own bike, then taught a bike class to a group of 8 ten year old boys. It was fun!

Posted by carl1236 at 09:21 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Life"

April 03, 2007

The Fat Cat has left the building

Our empty nest just got one 19-pound cat lighter. This is the same cat that we put on diet food and then found out later he was still gaining weight! After installing the secret night-vision spy cams with motion detectors, we discovered he was eating the dog's food too!
Really at 19 pounds this cat is bigger than some dogs. Kind of like a R.O.U.S. (Rodent of Unusual Size). But our cat looked and walked like a racoon instead of a giant rat. He was kind of lazy too. When he ate his food he laid by his bowl and pulled up under his chin to eat! But now he's gone. He left home with one of our children. I'm wondering if he'll miss picking on the other cats. He was kind of a bully. In fact our oldest cat now can be seen out walking around in broad daylight! So, that's it. One more departure from the family zoo. The Fat Cat has left the building, let the singing begin.

Posted by carl1236 at 08:30 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

March 20, 2007

Empty Nest

It finally happened. This past weekend our nest became 'empty.' So this coming weekend we are going to totally clean and repaint that bedroom and turn it into a guest room. I'm sure we'll see more of our children then. haha.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:49 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

January 21, 2007

Falling in Love

What does it feel like to fall in love and how does it start? One exercise in a writing book gives themes and has you write first lines for each theme. One of them is falling in love. I think being in love is like living life verses being born. I don't know, maybe I've forgotten what falling in love was like. Falling in love was so long ago. I must have fallen in love and not just lived in love. I must have gone through a stage when I was not yet deep in love, but getting hooked on love. Several times in my relationships I've discovered new-found appreciation or saw my significant other in a new, exiting light. Was that falling in love again? It could be. Can people fall in love again and again? Maybe instead of falling in love, we are living in love and renewing the excitement and energy of falling in love. Either way it's ok with me.

Posted by carl1236 at 08:11 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

December 15, 2006

Where do dreams happen?

The happening of a dream is in the struggle for it. In a dream I studied Korean for dozens of years and woke up one day in Korea and realized that I have never left, but my flight for America leaves in two hours and I still can't remember the phrase for "Where is the hotel?" Then on the flight to America I pulled out my RUSSIAN phrase book and began rehearsing the lines. It all seemed so natural, until the plane landed in America, the jolt startled me and I woke up in my bed in St. Petersburg. Wow, what a strange dream I thought. I must have drank a little too much the night before. I shook it off, made a cup of turkish coffee and began to read the newspaper. I thought there was something odd about the paper but couldn't place it. I just kept reading and enjoying the words as if they were old friends. I looked at the date on the paper and realized it would soon be Sylvester and I was expected to go with Tomas to a party. I really didn't feel like it. I stil felt hung over, and a little rattled by my dreams. Everything seemed to be going in slow motion.
I thought that I should really get out of this rut i'm in. Maybe take a trip across Russia to Korea or something. That would be fantastic! But I would have to study Russian and Korean first in order to get along in those countries. Where would I even begin? Then I remembered the Russian phrase book in my pocket. When I reached in I pulled out my passport and the phrase book. I didn't remember getting my passport to Russia and Korea but there It was. I began feverishly studying every word in the phrase book. I was devouring the words like they were my only source of sustenance. And I was still hungry for more. After a while, not even realizing how much time had passed I was gently awaken by a steward. Sir, we are almost about to land, please buckle your seatbelt. I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach and sweat was beading up on my forhead. About to land? Where? The last thing I knew I was in my hometown of Muenster, Germany, reading the paper. I tried to call for the steward but they all seemed to be gone. For an extremely long time, the plane circled preparing to land. I waited, I looked for clues, but nothing helped. I asked the passenger next to me what was going on and she responded that I must be crazy, and how could a person get on a plane and not know where they were going? "It's a long flight to Korea, you'd better get some sleep, she said." Somehow I was on my way back home. I didn't even remember the trip to America. I remembered some weird dream about drinking vodka and waking up with a hangover. The plane circled around but wasn't landing. I was beginning to worry. When the plane finally landed I saw the familiar sights of Seoul. I could smell it, and almost taste grandmother's kimchi. I thought, some day I will have to go back to America, but I'm glad to be home. The sun came up and I slowly woke up. Shaking my head I shut off the tv and went to bed. The TVK, Korean news had just ended and my Korean flashcards had fallen all over the floor. I had stayed up studying too late and now I was really tired. Good thing it was Saturday. I have the weirdest dreams when I eat too much kimchi. But it tastes so good!
In life sometimes we don't know where we are going to land so it's best to practice our dreams every day. Then it won't matter which flight we get on, we'll be ready when it happens. We cannot feel unprepared for the future because we are making it as we live the present. The plane will land just the same and the flight will already be done. Life is a process and dreams happen as part of the process of living. One day we wake up and realize that, yes, we really had a good life. There was nothing to fear after all. Wow, but it was fun!

Posted by carl1236 at 10:56 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

December 13, 2006

Energy

There are a lot of things we can do in life. And a lot of things are worthwile to do. Well, practically anything we can think of can be worthwhile. We have a lot of energy to put into things in life. Usually we have much more energy than we think we do. Consider what we go through at some of the jobs we do. Or the volunteer work we do on top of our jobs. Or the family activities we do. Or the 'fun' activities we do. We put a lot of energy into things. Do we have an unlimited supply of energy or do we use it up? I think we have renewable energy. We can recharge ourselves. Sometimes it's one spark that ignites our interest and enthusiasm.
It makes sense then to look for those sparks and be aware of what it is that sparks our imagination and passion.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:19 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

November 21, 2006

A meaning of life

I was thinking about why we are here, in this life. Most people ask why at some point in life. Many people create elaborate theories about the meaning of life. But one of the most fundamental reasons we are alive is to carry on the species. We are living creatures like all of the other living creatures of this planet and we are wired to survive. To propogate the species and help it survive. Though we may not create offspring ourselves, we were created as offspring and will have some impact on this world and the lives of others. In this way the world goes around and around, generation after generation. We exist to continue existing. A lot of our behavoir in life stems from this basic purpose of life. This is A meaning of life. How do we proceed from there? We could start by not destroying our chances for survival.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:36 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Attitude"

Category "Life"

Category "Love your Neighbor"

November 18, 2006

The experience of giving a haircut for free.

Today I gave a haircut to a friend, using my Wald haircutting equipment which I bought to give myself haircuts. After giving myself enough haircuts to pay for the clippers, I decided it would be fun to share the wealth with others. So a long time ago I made an offer to give haircuts for free. It was kind of a funny, quirky thing to do, but I did it. No one took me up on the offer until recently though when my neigbor and then my friend Eric decided to do it. Haha, this one was an easy job though because he has short hair like me and just needed a cleanup. Thanks for the great evening Eric! That was fun hanging out and chatting and having dinner and talking bikes, computers and food stuff.
Now that makes haircut number two for someone other than myself. Anyone else want a free haircut? I'm sharing my wealth. Come on. It's free. Actuallly, it was really fun to touch base with Eric and see what he was up to and to just chat. Life can be fun and interesting when we treat each other well and with respect.

For reference here are my orignal posts concerning my haircutting adventures:
http://blog.lib.umn.edu/carl1236/dailyspirit/026911.html
http://blog.lib.umn.edu/carl1236/dailyspirit/056335.html

Posted by carl1236 at 09:19 PM | Comments (1) | Attitude | Life | Love your Neighbor

Category "Attitude"

Category "Life"

Category "Love your Neighbor"

September 26, 2006

Why do we need usless things like this?

One commenter on SENSELIST asked why we need museums like those listed here and called them useless. At some point there was a statement that implied these people don't have a "life." Haha, define "Life." Why do we have any kind of collecting? Many people can't see the point in stamp collecting or bug / butterfly collecting. I can see the point. Someone gets a fascination with something and becomes an expert on that one micro-facet of life. Isn't a museum some sort of collection, but open to the public? Art Musueum. There is certainly some really weird art in some of those collections. But it's still called art. Some whole art museums are dedicated to really weird art. I'm sure there is a Hocky museum and plenty of baseball museums around. What if I don't like baseball or hocky. I probably wouldn't go there. But If I did I'm sure it would be fascinating to me, because any kind of highly focused exhibit like in a museum is bound to go into way more depth than my general education would provide about these subjects. One commenter pointed out that it was definately worth 20 minutes of his time to visit the "antique washing machine museum."
I thought it was interesting that while almost all of the other commenters were jumping in with names of other museums they thought were weird, one commenter felt it necessary to critizice the need for these museums and critize the people involved in them. It's not exactly a loving attitude toward other people who have found something fascinating to occupy their time. It seems to me they are living life they way they wish. Aren't they?
Hey, Andy, Wilbur, did you see comment number 30? There is a Mushroom museum in the U.S!

Posted by carl1236 at 10:13 PM | Comments (0) | Attitude | Life | Love your Neighbor

Category "Attitude"

Category "Life"

Category "Love Yourself"

Category "Triathlons"

September 19, 2006

Asthma and Allergies, Oh my!

Today I went to the doctor, twice, in order to get to the bottom of all of my recent health problems. I found out I am allergic to Ragweed and dust mites and that I have asthma. That explains a lot. Now I understand what I've been feeling. And like a stereotypical guy, I didn't bother going to a doctor until my friends and family got tough on me. So today I took some time to look into it by seeking professional help. And I'm glad I did. Now I have an inhaler I'm going to test and some nasal stuff for the allergies. And I have to vaccuum with a dust mask on.
My day was good overall. After my morning doctor's appointment, I got to go to the coffee shop and play a game of chess with a regular who I've only heard about. It was fun playing again! Then I picked up my prescriptions, ate some lunch and went to my next appointment. Then I ate dinner and went to a job interview. That felt really good. It's my third interview and it lasted two hours! The funny part is, I have a fourth interview with the same company! haha. Now I'm getting excited! And I feel like I really want to work there. It will be good for me I think. (for myself and others) For a while I thought I would do more good by staying, but now feel I'll do more good by leaving. make sense?

Posted by carl1236 at 08:52 PM | Comments (0) | Attitude | Life | Love Yourself | Triathlons

Category "Life"

September 06, 2006

Fifty Things I want the world to know - 3

Everyone has heard the expression that "Life is short." And the advice goes something like, "Live it," or "So don't waste it..." It's true, our physical lifespan IS short relative to eternity, but we are each given an unknown amount of time and when it's gone it's gone. Generally when it's our time to go we go.
In this light, look at ambition, wealth and power. Why is it we work so hard for these when it's all going to vanish on us in a heartbeat? I think we forget our mortality. Like when we are children we think we are invincible. We think we will live forever and we can't wait to grow up to be like the adults we respect.
My great Aunt just passed away and my mom has cancer. As we get older we start to realize what is important, like our families. And we realize that these bodies are all going to become obsolete. Life is not really short, but exactly as long as we have. And that could be tomorrow. So today should stand on it's own merits. As I set my goals and plans for the future I'm always thinking, 'why am I doing this?,' what's most important in life?' I'd like to see everyone take a breather, slow down, think about what is really important in life. Ambition, wealth and power seem shallow and hollow when compared to losing my greart aunt and my mother.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:04 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

July 28, 2006

I'm Bike Free!

Until the morning when I do something crazy like two-mile time-trial repeats, four times. But it was interesting and eye opening to ditch my bike for two days. Yesterday I walked from Har-Mar Mall to University Avenue and actually saw a lot of people out walking.
I discovered what a super highway Snelling Avenue is. It was ugly. And it's a very unfriendly pedestrian atmosphere. I had no problems walking the walk though since I've been working out. It actually felt kind of good and gave me a chance to think. Today I rode the bus. That was nice also. I got to hear a young girl with one the foulest mouths I've heard. Kind of like the stereotype of an old sailor. Except she must have been about 15. When she got off the bus the whole bus was quiet again as if everyone went back to sleep. It was a little tense in there before that as she kept trying to provoke another young lady on the bus in front of a boy. As soon as the girl got off the bus I saw her light up a cigarette. Then the other girl in the back of the bus started talking about her. She said, "I don't really like her." And the boy agreed.
So, tomorrow it's back on the bike. I'm going to miss the bus with that kind of excitement going on. Today I ran seven miles. It was fun but it almost wiped me out. Now I'd better get some sleep so I can ride in the early morning.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:15 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

Category "Triathlons"

July 15, 2006

A day in the hot sun is tiring

But I didn't have to race today like about 2300 triathletes in the Lifetime Fitness Triathlon. I had it easy by going to watch instead of compete. I thought it went well and I learned a few things about Triathlons that make me feel better about trying it. I'm officially signed up for two this summer and one in September. So I'll get my chance. I hope it's not as hot as today though.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:13 PM | Comments (0) | Life | Triathlons

Category "Life"

June 30, 2006

Clearing out the old only to refill the hole

I don't know if it's supposed to work like this but it did. I had to clean out my garage and throw out a bunch of stuff in order to make room for some more things I brought home. So now my garage is neatly stuffed full again. Part of the reason is that I cleared out my art studio and brought everything home. Craftstravaganza is coming up on July eighth so I have to get ready for that this week.

Note to self: Bicycles and Bicycle stuff seems to be accumulating in the garage. I had better purge and organize.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:23 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

June 25, 2006

Frantic Lives

Time and Life. Very deep subjuct. I noticed how frantic my day was, and how much stuff I did and didn't get done. For instance, I spent all day doing bicycle related things and didn't mow my lawn. Now tomorrow night I am doing cycle training and that will take up my time. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll get home early enough that I can still mow the lawn, but I'm sure I'll be exhausted then. So then it'll be Tuesday night for mowing lawn and doing some gardening.
I keep thinking about my reflections on time and still feel like I've had it all backwards my whole life. Society teaches us that time can be manipulated. Like we can "Save Time," "Take back our time," "Gain more Time," or "Not have enough time," "Lose Time," and "Run out of Time." But my time is always the same. I don't get any more or less. I only get choices about what to do with it. So basically it comes down to what I chose, not how much time I have or don't have. The real problem in life is how to choose so we are happy and healthy and love each other and ourselves. Tuesday night I'm choosing to do something good for my family and my home-life by doing the yard and some gardening. Now I just have to stick to that choice and not schedule anything else.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:47 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Bicycles"

Category "Cycle Racing"

Category "Life"

June 18, 2006

The Bike Race in Stillwater

Today I went to see the pro bicycle race in Stillwater. It was really interesting and fun to watch. It was difficult to know who the riders were, with only a general idea based on their team colors. But the announcers down below the hill did a good job of announcing the race and filling us in on who the fast riders were, who was favored to win and who was keeping their overall lead even if they didn't win today's stage.
This race FELT brutal just watching it. I had trouble walking up that hill. I did get a chance to get all the way around the course during the woman's and men's races to watch it from different angles. The speeds on the downhills and cornering were incredible and the raw power going up the hills was impressive. I had greater respect for the bike racers after seeing this race. Even the ones that got dropped from the race have my respect. An hour-long ride at those speeds on this course would have killed me, haha. Well, actually, no, it wouldn't have killed me, I would have been dropped before that happened. Not saying I'm not a good bike rider, but I just know from trying bicycle racing myself how hard it really is and how well-prepared the the athletes have to be for races like this.
Then after the fun of seeing pro bicyle races, I got to ride my bicycle back and join my family for a Father's Day dinner. What an excellent day!
Oh by the way, bicycling the Gateway trail is a cool way to get to Stillwater. There were hundreds of bicycllists out there. It's almost exactly 6 miles from the end of the Gateway trail to downtown Stillwater at highway 36. Pretty soon though they are going to have to widen that bicycle highway to accomodate all the traffic, haha. I think the roller-bladers had the roughest time avoiding the bicylists that weren't sharing the trail very well. I don't know any statistics, but I've been on that trail several times in the past month and saw the same levels of use. Of course those were all during the weekends, but it's a hopeful sign to me that people really really like and use this trail.

Posted by carl1236 at 08:44 PM | Comments (0) | Bicycles | Cycle Racing | Life

Category "Life"

May 27, 2006

Playing_In_The_Rain

I'm not talking about physical playing, but spiritual playing. Last
night I was delayed in getting home because I stopped to chat along the
way. The storm clouds were getting darker and moving in fast. As I was
riding my bike I overheard a few guys on the street corner talking
about it. One guy said, "Man, it's going to be a rough one!" The
sky looked ominous and the wind was picking up speed. That's when it
dawned on me that I might have to pull off the road and find a place to
hide from the downpour.
I rode past all of the structures that might provide a quick shelter
but the rain was holding back. I started up the Smith Avenue Bridge and
the clouds winked at me and flashed a smile. I rode on hoping it would
hold off a little longer. I kept pedaling faster, hoping I could still
make it home before it rained, hoping that it would blow over me and
rain on another part of the city. I felt a few drops, then a steady
sprinkle. I thought to myself, "This isn't so bad, It's like a
mist to keep me cool while I pedal harder." Then it rained a little
harder, but by then I had crossed the bridge and was riding along a
tree-lined street and was sheltered from most of the rain. I was nearly
home and I had hopes I could make a mad dash and avoid getting too wet.
I rode on. I rode out to the middle of the street to make a left turn.
That was my street and I was on the home stretch. The clouds let loose
with a thundering laugh and within a block I was totally soaked. I
backed off from pedaling, throwing up my arms, embracing the rain. It
felt so good! It felt like I was a kid again playing in the rain. I
remember how we used to rush outside when the rain came, on purpose!
That was before the acid-rain and the fear of getting our shirts or
shoes wet. That was before responsibility took hold of our senses and
taught us to walk, not run, stay dry at all costs, and to set aside play
as we work like adults are supposed to. The clouds and I chuckled a
little at my memories. I leisurely rode the last block to my house,
enjoying every drop I encountered, enjoying the wetness surrounding me,
flowing over me, rinsing my face and eyes, waking my senses, making me
feel alive and fresh. I was playing in the rain again.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:47 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

May 02, 2006

Time does not move or march on

What if Time doesn't really move as we think? We say things like "Time marches on," "Time waits for no-one," and "Time flies when you're having fun" to describe our view of time. But more and more I've been thinking about these shooting stars flying through life. A shooting star wishes to stop moving just once to be able to savor time in one spot. But instead we march on as time beats a drum for us. Time stands still and observes us keeping track of our movements and achievements and creations. Time always was, is and always will be the same Time. There is no change in time, just changes in those who experience time. We move through it as if we were the ones standing still and time is the one moving. Time waits for everyone because time has all the time in the world. It is we who move on and cannot wait for time. Time doesn't ever catch up to us, because we move faster. Time is not lost but we lose sight of time because of our speed. If we could only slow down and savor time in one spot. Oh Time where did I lose sight of you? Was it this morning when I rolled out of bed to an alarm I set to get more of you, as if grasping at air? There is no more or less Time allotted to anyone. There is only more or less awareness of Time, more or less savoring of time, more or less movement through time. It is a Time that doesn't keep track of itself. Time doesn't mark the seasons or months or hours. We run through changing our form, our minds, our hearts. When will I slow down and savor the moment? Tomorrow morning I think as I stop my movements long enough to see Time in it's natural, unchanging form. In that moment I have all the time in the world.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:55 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 27, 2006

Organization

Today I was filing and organizing. I learned the korean word for 'file folder' while I was sorting papers into them. I don't know if I'll ever use this word in the future. This is anj issue with learning a foreign language. The object is to communicate in someone elses native language in any given situation. So I have to learn every word that a native might know. I know the word for file folder in my language. I guess I learned that word sometime as a young teen. I never had a need for it before then. But now I do.
So I really believe I am the most organized now, just after the move to the new building. I was only this organized when I first started the job. Then the pressures of time and volume of work caught up to me and I lost my motivation for being so detailed and clean. I did what I had to get done. But it wasn't enough. Now I have a chance to start over and it feels good. Starting over does feel good, because I threw out a lot of stuff (recycled a lot of stuff).
Tomorrow is Friday and I'll have spent one whole week in my new office and I think I'm getting used to it now. I already like having the larger, shared lunchroom. I see more people from different departments that I've worked with than I did in the old building. It's kind of fun.

Posted by carl1236 at 08:49 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 18, 2006

Some woman warriors in history

Hua Mu-Lan, China's most famous female warrior, fought as a man for more than ten years. In battle, Hua Mu-Lan (5th century A.D.) used her father's name as well as his armor. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hua_Mulan
http://stutzfamily.com/mrstutz/china/mulan.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor_Yang_of_Sui_China

Fuhao, China's first female general, wife of one emperor of the Yin Dynasty, woman general during the Shang Dynasty (1324-1265 B.C.), a wealthy ruler and military leader, led armies of some 10,000 troops. http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2004-06/13/content_1523114.htm
http://www.womenofchina.com.cn/people/women_in_history/1405.jsp

Wu Zetian The only woman in Chinese history to rule as an emperor (625-705 A.D.): http://www.womeninworldhistory.com/heroine6.html
http://www.travelchinaguide.com/intro/history/tang/emperor_wuzetian.htm

Treiu Au, resistance fighter, female warrior (222-248 A.D.): http://www.geocities.com/imperialvietnam/Trieu_Au.html
http://www.ancientworlds.net/aw/Post/396613

Posted by carl1236 at 08:37 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 16, 2006

The world of food

Food is very intesting. People have as many varied tastes as there are foods available. Different foods come from all over the world. Food is something we could spend a lifetime learning. Human beings do not eat just for physical sustenance, otherwise we would all be satisfied with the same foods all the time. We are creative beings and our food preparation becomes creative. We flavor things to our taste. We flavor life to our taste too.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:18 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Attitude"

Category "Life"

April 14, 2006

Running a volunteer non-profit corporation

Running any business takes a lot of time. We have a non-profit 501c3 organization with a board of directors who are responsible for the welfare of the corporation. I'm the President of the corporation. It's a real business but none of the board members get paid. We are a volunteer run, non-profit. So what volunteer would be crazy enough to run a business on the side with no compensation? Because most of us have to have real jobs also. We do it because we believe in what we have here and feel like it's a good thing to keep going. We're not generating a lot of revenue but we are touching a lot of lives and making people more self-sufficient and empowered. The low-cost services and products we provide are only part of the benefit of this organization. A major benefit is the learning that goes on inside our walls. But it's still crazy because it takes a lot of time. Volunteering is like that. Sometimes we put in a lot of our life's energy, passion and time into a volunteer activity, not to mention our own resources. Why do we do it? Maybe it's just because it's a good thing to do.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:58 PM | Comments (3) | Attitude | Life

Category "Life"

April 08, 2006

Return of the missing kitty

I got to experience another one of life's lessons over the past few days. I know I've complained about having too many pets in the house and the work and responsibility that entails, but when one of our cat's left home the other day and there was a big rain storm and she wasn't seen again, yes, I was sad and worried. I wasn't happy that she was missing. I have secretly thought that it would be nice to get rid of some pets and not have to have that burden at this time in our lives, but when it comes down to it, I don't want to lose a pet by having some tragedy befall it. It's just sad. No, I think it will be a sad day when our older cat passes away too. Tonight our cat was found in the neighbor's yard wandering around meowing. She seemed happy to be inside and came running to me and rubbed up against me and wanted snuggling. Yes, I have to admit she's a good kitty. I still wonder how she survived the rain storm and was sad to think we lost her, she returned. I'm sitting here at the computer looking at some posters my family just made up with our cat's picture, "Help me! I'm Lost..." well, it seems she found her way back home, thankfully in one piece. For an indoor cat she must have had quite an adventure. But it's good to have her back. Isn't that the way it is in life sometimes? When we lose something it brings us a different perspective. We have the opportunity to think about our attitudes and our feelings. I didn't feel jubilation over losing a pet, but sadness that something terrible could have happened to her. I don't think I will be complaining any more about having too many pets. I won't be adding any either but I won't be complaining. I think I learned a lesson about griping about something that I would not act on. I wouldn't get rid of any of our pets and they are good pets, without causing us troubles. They are affectionate and all get along pretty well with each other. Well, the rabbit gets a little amorous with the cats sometimes and we have to intervene but other than that it's a peaceful zoo. Here is the rundown: Two large dogs, three cats , one bunny and four goldfish the size of a human hand. The fish come inside for the winter but usually live outside in our backyard pond. That's how they get so large; Lot's of space to swim around. The zoo is all together again and I have to admit that I'm happy it turned out this way.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:51 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 03, 2006

Baseline Rules

Sometimes there are baseline rules that people must follow to live in a civilized world and in harmony with each other. For instance, two high-school students in our week-long bike class were fighting and spraying chain-lube into each other's faces today and lost their priviledge to be in the class. They are lucky they didn't damage each other's eyes. And this was on their first day of class! It's a great deal for these students to be able to take a week-long bike repair class and even get a free bike out of it. But to ruin it on the first day by fighting and spaying chain lube into the face of another student? Sometimes there has to be a baseline of behaviour in our society to just get be able to participate. Many programs for youth end up being programs for the good kids, unfortunately for those that fall through the cracks. I know there are other programs that deal with kids like these two, but again, unfortunately we are not prepared to deal with them, so they cannot return. I think the rest of the week will go very well. In life how much do we miss out on when our attitudes prevent us from participating? Maybe they didn't really want to be there. Their director of the school program was notified and they may or may not have consequences beyond not being allowed to come back to our shop for our class. I think we need some baseline rules of behavior in society to get along. It doesn't mean we need to follow all the rules by the letter, because creativity often comes from breaking the rules, but there are rules of safety and respect for others we should follow as a minimum. Otherwise many things break down and people get hurt or it detracts from ours and other people's ability to learn and live and persue happiness. Then it's not just about us.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:10 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

March 02, 2006

Good Blood Pressure

I guess riding bike all year round helps, because today I had my blood pressure checked and it was low and in the good range. As it was last year at this time. Good news for the continuance of my body.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

February 26, 2006

Amelia Earhart

Imagine knowing that you are going to die. Imagine knowing that you are lost and your fuel is running low and you may never find the tiny island you are supposed to land on to refuel. Well, now imagine all of our lives as crossing the Pacific, with a tiny island to land on, but being lost, realizing we are going to die. Life is like that. We are going to die, but it's not until we realize that we are lost do we realize it's imminant. Until then we think we are alive and are going to make it. The fear she went through at first was like being more worried about the loved ones she was going to be leaving behind. Then hoping that people might find her, if only she could survive and they would look for her. Then acceptance that she might die. Then a prayer that it's not painful. Then just "Oh crap, here it comes. Then unconcious. Then witnessing what happened and all the reactions and how it effected specific other people what it meant.
You know, it's really difficult to predict how or when we are really going to leave this body. But it will happen. Not to be pessimistic here, but realistic. Whenever we get too self-important or lose our way, it's good to remember that this life is very temporary. If we are lucky we can have this realization before that moment right before our death is imminant. I know I will run out of fuel and I will crash in the sea, never to be seen again. But I'm still going to take that flight, because I will inspire millions of people to fly. Being the first woman to cross the Atantic has made a difference in this world. I am not there to take the glory, but to inspire. This is my legacy. So being alive still and realizing I have a legacy to leave, and that my impact is not determined by how I die, but by how I lived my life, what will I do? What will I do with my life knowing that it's limited? But I'm still going to live like Amelia. I'm going to ride my bike and fly in the sky and explore life to the fullest, and help people wherever I see the need. And it will be enough. As I crash into the ocean, I will accept that I lived and have no regrets. It's not about self-pleasuring, but being true to who we are and living according to our inner-compass. It always leads the way. And in the end, the pacific ocean doesn't scare the death out of us.

Posted by carl1236 at 08:40 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

February 25, 2006

The End of Spokes Pizza, R.I.P.

I like the people and the concept of Spokes Pizza. And their pizza is good too. But sadly, tonight was their last night of business. There were a lot of people there tonight! I invited a friend to meet me there and I ran into several people I know. It was fun. I was happy to see this kind of crowd there. But now sadly, Spokes is a cool idea is down the tubes, for now. Maybe it will spring up again somewhere else. We'll see. But for now I'm going to miss it. too bad.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:32 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

February 24, 2006

Spokes' Demise

Well, I'm sorry to report that Spokes Pizza is closing shop. They had awesome pizza and a great, green delivery style. So, what happened? I don't know, but I still like the idea of collectives and shared ownership. Our world is full of kingdoms and empires where the few reap the profits at the expense of the many who make it all possible. There is no justification for millionaires in this world. That is simply someone taking more than their share. Sharing in the wealth is a better idea.

Today I read an interesting related idea...In the St. Paul Pioneer Press today an ignorant woman, Kathy Vittum of North St. Paul said, "Reservations no longer a benefit to Indians. Indian reservations have outlived their purpose and ar doing mor harm than good for today's indians. The Feb. 19 New York Times article "Drug rings find havens on Indian reservations" illustrates everything that's wrong with them. They are isolated and economically unsustainable, which breeds corruption, crime and government dependence. In this era it is not acceptable to have large tracts of land where criminals can operate with impunity, especially near the borders. And with extremely limited financial resources and ever increasing government entitlement costs, we can no longer afford to subsidize them financially. There should be an expiration date for these treaties. American Indians are entitled to the same government resources as every other citizen, and in today's world that should be sufficient."

Haha. Reservations were never a good idea and never economically sufficient. That wasn't their purpose ever. their purpose was to encapsulate and make the Native American's insignificant and out of sight and out of control. Reservations were obsolete and not sufficient right from the beginning. Yes, let's expire the reservations, dissolve them and return this country to the Native Americans, who are the rightful owners that we stole it from by making treaties and lies. American Indians are entitled to their land back. That should be sufficient. Ignorance is ugly and self-centered. Yeah, you may be compassionate and see that Reservations are not self-sustaining, be we created them to take what we wanted. The guilt is all ours. We cannot repay this ever except by getting rid of reservations and letting the Native American's have their country back. Will we do it? That would be sufficient.

Why are we so arrogant and ignorant? Yet we claim to be Christ-like and truthful. It comes down to greed and power. We take what we want. This is why I love the concept of collectives where everyone shares in the profits and the losses. No-one is greater in ownership. I'm sad to see Spoke's Pizza go and sad to read things like this, ignorance and self-centered greed. Reservations were NEVER a benefit to Indians. They were a benefit to those who wanted to take power and control and ownership of what never belonged to them.

We need to figure out how to live together and share everything!

Posted by carl1236 at 09:53 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Life"

February 03, 2006

Power outage, perfect timing

Haha, tonight as I was blogging, I had my entry half done and the power went off and I lost everything! We have a little space heater by the computer and it overloaded the circuit. So, you were all spared the dribble I was writing. Now I realize it's not worth repeating.
Now I'll tell you about my plans for tomorrow. I'm going to the Bike Depot in the morning to teach a young man how to rebuild a bottom bracket and headset. Then at 1pm I'm riding over to Minneapolis for the Stupor Bowl. I don't know, it seems like fun and I hope to meet a lot of down-to-earth cool people on bikes. Registration starts at 1pm at One On One Bike Studio.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:19 PM | Comments (2) | Life

Category "Life"

February 01, 2006

A lost and found

Sometimes we cannot explain how things happen. But we should be thankful sometimes. Yesterday I lost my cell-phone and hunted all over for it. Tonight when I came home I was walking in the living room and some silver glimmer caught my eye under my recliner. I got close to the recliner and felt this urge to search under and bihind the seat. I did and found the cellphone I was missing. It evidently fell out of my pocket and landed there. I had no idea that I even should loook there, but I followed my urge to look and there was my phone! Amazing huh? Now I have my cellphone back. Sorry if I missed your call! Talk to you soon.
Peace,
John

Posted by carl1236 at 11:04 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

January 25, 2006

Sun, Moon, Fire, Water, Trees, Gold, Earth

A Star falls past the moon,
A fire probes depths of baren womb,
A watered tree begins to bloom,
reaching up to air and sky,
to breathe and live and fly,
yearning the fire of birth,
with aching veins of gold,
longing to melt and flow,
while roots are wed to earth below.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:42 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

January 16, 2006

Tread Lightly

You know, in all of life we can choose anything we want to do and have any beliefs we choose. We are changed and influenced by our environment and experiences. And one common thing in life with most people is that aging effects us more profoundly than most other experiences. We are mellowed by age or gain more wisdom, hopefully, and we begin to fall apart physically. Friday was my 43rd birthday and actually I'm in better shape than I was a couple of years ago, but the process of aging is definately taking place. When I cut my hair on Friday, I noticed a distinctive grayness to it. Then I overheard a young woman talking about men, relaying to her friend about how she would never date anyone over 40! It's a simple rule and probably a good one for someone so young. I'm not in the dating scene but you can imagine how I felt for a brief moment that I was viewed as 'Too Old.' As we grow older, we don't really see ourselves as 'too old.' We see ourselves more as we were when we were young men and women, but hopefully wiser and more intelligent.
This post is taking on a different angle than I originally intended by the title, Tread Lightly, but I think I've included a good bit of background on why I think we should 'Tread Lightly.' Treading lightly means to leave as little damage in our wake as possible. In camping terms it would mean to leave our environment better than when we moved in. Treading lightly in life and with other people usually only comes with experience and a certain amount of humbleness and respect. If we don't have that, have we really learned anything in life?

Posted by carl1236 at 02:43 AM | Comments (3) | Life

Category "Life"

December 27, 2005

The Chronicles of Narnia

As a gift of time for myself, I bought the Chronicles of Narnia compiled in one book at the Bookstore yesterday. Actually it's not a gift of time, but a gift of the use of time for pleasure reading. There are so many choices in life and activities have to be given priorities. We can't do it all. I've discovered it is one of my missions in life to learn to make better priority choices. I don't have time to read this huge book, but it will be a good read and I've decided to dedicate a little time every night right before bed to read. This will help me wind down and relax before going to sleep also.
So to myself I give the gift of allowing myself read for pleasure. Then I'm going to see the movie. It should be really engaging, especially knowing the story and characters, like old friends. Now I'm off to Narnia. Sleep well. Sweet dreams.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:15 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

December 12, 2005

Sudoku and all that spare time I have

Hehe, yesterday I discovered Sudoku, the number puzzle. It eats up a lot of time, but I can solve these puzzles now! Well, at least on the difficult level. I haven't tried the super-secret, ultra-indecipherable, ultimate-brain-twisting sudoku with one number given in each square. But that would just be evil.
Yeah, with all that spare time I have, I here there are over a million combinations. I could do them until I die, which could be tomorrow when I'm 98. I would never run out of challenging puzzles to do.
With the rest of my spare time, I have started working on some woodcarving again. Tomorrow I'm carving spoons. After those, I'm back to the eggs, then I plan on painting. And I'm practicing my trumpet again, almost daily. Fun huh? My lips are weak still but getting stronger, making the notes more clear and allowing me to play longer. That's cool. With trumpet, frequent practice is necessary to keep the muscles in shape, just to be able to play. And here it is almost midnight and I'm blogging. I have to get up for work tomorrow. haha.
dratted Sudoku!

Posted by carl1236 at 11:39 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

November 10, 2005

Many Possibilities

There are many possibilities in life. It is good to dream and experiment and find what is possible. Possibilities are hopeful. It's when we feel like there are no possibilities that we feel hopeless. I hope to see possibilities in my daily encounters.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

November 08, 2005

Talk to anyone who has committed suicide

From a news article about the astronauts working on the space station, to help put life in perspective:

"Some of the bolts holding the instrument in place were missing and engineers were concerned it could break free and hit the station. McArthur removed it and hurled it off into space, pretending to throw a football.
"Pretty impressive," replied astronaut Rick Linnehan from Mission Control in Houston.
Engineers expect the instrument to fly freely for up to 150 days before being pulled back and incinerated in Earth's atmosphere."

I repeat that last line... "Engineers expect the instrument to fly freely for up to 150 days before being pulled back and incinerated in Earth's atmosphere."

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. In the grand scheme of things we are all pulled back to mother earth. Incinerated, obliterated and used as fodder or fuel. That is one of the natures of this physical lifespan. I accept that. I know it's truth. But the total picture, or whole truth is in life and love. What is deceiving to us is that we are done when we are pulled back to the earth. Of course we would fear death when we believe that deception!

Talk to anyone who has committed suicide and they will tell you. Life does indeed go on and suicide is not a solution. Immediately after the physical death we get to ponder and know the truth of what just happened. It's not over and we realize what a shame that was. Still I don't blame the football that is tossed into space when it discovers that it is not truly free and is going to burn up in the atmosphere. It has no choice but to accept it's plight. Still I don't blame the thrower, because in this case it's the self who believes that they are relieving their own suffering by escaping. There is a deep, deep sadness surrounding suicide. It is like a waste of a great gift. And we do realize it. There is an "afterlife" and we become fully aware of what we have done. It is just that way. Philosophers can debate all we want about the after life, but we all experience it and it's what comes next. The physical body returns to the earth, sucked back by gravity and the need to fertilize and replenish what was taken from it. Life goes on in the form of nourishment and renewal. So life goes on after the physical death. We can debate all we want but we all will find out. Houdini claimed that he would cheat death and send a message back from the other side. As far as I really know he has not found a way to do that, at least publicly like many of his stunts. But there is this thought to ponder: "Sometimes death happens before we die." Many people believe in life after death but still are afraid of it and don't really believe it. But when it happens we not only believe but we understand more about life. Death is a great equalizer I've heard, and we all will die, but we have not yet experienced it. We are flying footballs in space, thinking we are free, but eventually we are pulled back in to return to mother earth. That is the way of things. So eventually, with technology and flu vaccinations we may slow or stop the aging of this physical body. But sometimes death hapens before we die and life seems like more of a hell than we can deal with. Still if we try to escape it, we miss something great and feel the regret. One thing we will miss is the 'opportunity' we had in life. There is opportunity in life. Opportunity to gain wisdom. In fact that is a good goal in life. "Opportunity to gain Wisdom." That is life. It's better to gain that wisdom to now than after the fact. After we are dead and can no longer change the outcome. Missed opportunity.

Life is worth living.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:26 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

Category "ZINE"

October 30, 2005

Lost and Found

Haha, I don't really know what category this belongs under, as if we can really classify and lump our life experiences into one category anyway. As I was cleaning out some old boxes of junk from ages ago, I found some pieces of history. My history from early teens through the birth of my first child was contained in pieces of paper, folders and envelopes all in a big cardboard box. When I discovered this box I was mezmorized. There were old photos, report cards from high school, get well cards, an old scrap-book filled with cards, pictures and handwritten notes about my life, and there were many other treasure objects so long forgotten. Now it's 1:40AM and I'm writing this before I collapse. It's late but I lost all track of time digging through this box! Here are two things I will share with you:

1. I found my Linoleum Block Print that I made in 1976, which I wanted to use as the front cover of my next Zine issue but couldn't find before. I was thrilled to find it. For some reason I felt like I should use this picture and knew that I had it somewhere. I stopped searching for it a few weeks ago, but here it is! Now I proceed with the project.

2. A High-school Newspaper written I believe in 1980 had an article about the gas prices. This one you have to read! It sounds like it could have been written today but these thoughts by a high-school student were penned 25 years ago!
For your reading pleasure I present you with "Cottage Grove gas Shortage" by J. O'Boyle

"In the last six months, we were led to believe by the big oil companies that there was a very serious gas shortage and that if we didn't change our driving habits and lower our rate of gas consumption we would face the possibility of a severe gas shortage.
By June, proof in the form of gas lines, rationing, gas at over $1 a gallon, stations shutting down their pumps earlier and earlier, killings in New York and California over positions in gas lines, convinced the public that there was indeed a shortage, and people tried to conserve whenever they could. By August and September, the gas situation "mellowed" out somewhat and gas was plentiful again, prompting people to return to their old driving habits.
After the increase to over a $1 a gallon, people said the "Hades" with the gas shortage, they called it an excuse for the oil companies to jack up the prices and increase their profits. Now, due to the Iranian situation, we face the same situation again, only this time it could be for real.
The gas shortage may be an illusion created by the oil companies, but it is here to stay, and there isn't much that anybody can do about it, except to live with it and try to conserve as much as possible."

Ok, now I'm delerious and going to bed. Enough archeology for one night. Those fossil fuels are not quite enough to keep me going all night! Sweet dreams. ;-)

Posted by carl1236 at 02:01 AM | Comments (0) | Life | ZINE

Category "Art"

Category "Life"

September 25, 2005

Ukranian Easter Eggs

Today I went back to the bike depot to clean more and reorganize. It's looking much better but I kind of lost steam. Besides, I had a date with my daughter to make Pisanka, Ukranian Easter Eggs. I had to be home by four oclock in order to have enough time to do them. I got out all of the dyes, the kistka, the bee's wax, candles and some paper towels and together we began to draw on the eggs. It's interesting to note that my daughter veered away from the traditional Ukranian designs in order to do a couple of scenes with hand-drawn characters.
What are Ukranian Easter eggs? They are eggs; either chicken, duck, goose, ostrich, etc, brown or white. Brown eggs simply add a muted tone to all of the colors. The eggs are drawn on first, then using the kistka, beeswax is drawn on the egg in a pattern. The egg follows this process: Draw more lines on the egg with wax, dip the egg in the dye, wax over some more spots, then dye again. Repeat this process going from light colors to dark colors.
Traditionally the eggs mostly ended up with a black background, but I've seen hundreds of eggs that have some kind of veriation to that. At the end of the process the wax is melted off to reveal the colorful egg. The whole process takes about 4 hours. We each decorated two eggs. I did similar designs so that did cut my time down considerably.
We are setting up a display in the Ren Box for the Art Crawl in a few weeks so it's going to be a challenge getting enough of them done in such a short time. Guess what I'll be doing this week almost every evening? Yes. I need to do about 10 to 15 more eggs before October 15. It'll all work out ok. The main thing in my opinion is the chance to do some artwork with my daughter. I don't care what the end results are. The process has been great so far. The next few weeks will be very good I think.

Update:

Last night I finished two eggs completely. Tuesday night we are doing it again. I learned how to do these the traditional way using a handmade tool and candle from a very nice old Ukrainian woman who was teaching me Russian. Except I now blow the eggs out after they are decorated so they don't have a chance to explode, sending everyone running from the house. It can take years for an egg to dry out inside and many of my eggs were destroyed during the heat of the summer. Here is a photo of some of the first eggs I created years ago...

Posted by carl1236 at 11:50 PM | Comments (1) | Art | Life

Category "Life"

September 09, 2005

Up and down

Today I’m really tired physically. I have to go home now and rest. Saturday I’ll be working on bikes at the shop, then doing some remodeling in my house. On Sunday I’ll be sitting at a table at the St. Paul Bike Classic. Huge event! Lots of people there. I’m really looking forward to it and can’t wait see all of the strange and cool bikes (and people) that are there.

My energy levels are way down right now, most likely due to lack of sufficient sleep, but it’s always important to treat other people with love and respect. It’s also important to treat ourselves with love and respect. We are more vulnerable to self-criticism when we are exhausted. Another reason I feel like I do might be because I'm sad that I cannot afford to take a class at the U this semester. I have to wait until January now and save my dollars. It's ok, but still I was looking forward to this semester. At times like these I just have to roll with it and get the rest I need and try to be extra aware of how I’m treating myself and others. Life is sometimes up and down, happy and sad, heavy and light, but with a good heart filled with love, nothing is insurmountable and the dark times will pass.

On a positive note I am saying thank you to everyone who is reading my blog and who have made comments and suggestions and have been part of my life in other ways. I appreciate it. It's fun writing and meeting new friends.

Oh, yes, I meant to ask, if any of you bicyclists feel like you could help me out with an essay on anything bicycle related for the bike depot, please write it up and email it to me. I'd like to get some fresh voices on the web page. I have committed to writing 12 of these, one each month, so I'll write one anyway. I'm currently working on one called: "What it takes to commute by bicycle in the winter." If you have some favorite stories or tips you want to share on winter commuting, I can include a blurb or quote from you in my essay also.
I know there are a lot of good writers out there who read this so what do you say?
See previous essays at : http://www.bikeped.org and scroll down toward the bottom of the page. You can email me at either one of these emails: carl1236 @umn.edu or john@bikeped.org. I'd love to hear from you bicycle enthusiasts, especially the ones that ride your bike in cold climates all year-round like I do.

Thanks, and have a great night!

Posted by carl1236 at 04:24 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

September 05, 2005

Extending my vacation - I'm back but in denial

Labor Day weekend is over and I'm back from Lake Superior. It was beautiful there and that lake is awesome! As I said before I'm going to go to Acadia Cafe tonight so today's blog entry is about that.
I met Katey and Gordon at the Bike-in-at-the Bell and bought two copies of their CD. I gave one to my daughter, who loved it, and I've been listening to the other one. Then I found out that Katey and Gordon are leaving town and travelling around the U.S. In an email from Katey, I was told that tonight is their farewell evening in the Twin Cities and also that this unique thing they had going, Pedalling Records is being passed on to someone else. I look forward to going to Acadia Cafe tonight for a couple of reasons. First, to get to hear Katey and Gordon live. Secondly, to experience something I haven't before. It will be an extension of my vacation. Tomorrow I'll be back at work.

As a quick summary, I had a great 5 days and did some good hard workouts. It felt great! I came within 15 feet of two bear cubs but luckily no mama bear. And I did backflips off the cliffs into Lake Superior. It took my breath away.

More about my vacation tomorrow! Right now I have music to experience.

Acadia Cafe
Monday, September 05, 2005
Time: 6:00 PM to 11:00 PM
Cover Charge: $3.00
Ages: All Ages

Peddling Records Showcase presents a "Fine Engagement" Featuring: Your Loving Tiger,
Wallace Wyllie, Rick Ross (of RAWBEAST), Allen Moore, Katie and the Chicadees plus special guest appearances.
This event doubles as a send-off for Gordon and Keteya and Triples as we christen a new era in Peddling Records History as the label changes hands.
A warm welcome is extended to all.

Posted by carl1236 at 05:43 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

July 14, 2005

I found my helmet

Today while sitting at work I was tired so I stretched my legs out really far, leaning back in my chair and I accidently kicked something under my desk. I swear I looked under there for my helmet yesterday when I couldn't find it. I even came back later and looked again. But it was too dark under there. I had to crawl under my desk to find out what I bumped into. There it was and I'm happy I don't have to go out and buy a new one.
But this whole thing with losing my helmet might be a sign that I've got too much going on. Now I'm paying attention to that. It happens. I'll slow down a little. Life is really not a race, though it's easy to forget that.

Posted by carl1236 at 09:57 AM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

July 02, 2005

Too many fun things in one day

Today was a great day. I rode with the TCBC on their "Morning Glory Ride." It was a really nice 41 mile ride. We were supposed to stop at the Morning Glory bakery/cafe but it was closed. Too bad. But the people were nice and it was a beautiful route and I got a good workout in.
After returning home I watched the first stage of the Tour de France, which I had taped so I wouldn't miss it. It was interesting. But it almost brought tears to my eyes when Lance Armstrong caught and passed Jan Ulrich. It was a time trial and they started each rider one minute apart. That had to be demoralizing for Jan. Lance came in second overall, only 2 seconds behind the leader. This sends a message to the competitors I think that Lance showed up and is in good form.
Then I mowed the lawn, took a nap, rode to the grocery store on my bike to pick up some stuff to grill for dinner, worked out in the yard more and then ate. We had company come over for a couple of hours to sit on the patio and talk so that was really fun! Now I have to get to bed so I can join Jim's Sunday morning ride and eat a Cuban breakfast!
Oh, I thought this was funny: earlier in the day my daughter was driving to the gas station close to our house because she knew it was low. But she ran out of gas and called me. I rode over there with a gas can on my bike and put a gallon in. Bicycle Rescues Car. How cool is that.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:48 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

June 25, 2005

The Amazing, Incredible Greenway Getaway

Today I went to the Grand Re-Opening of the Greenway Bike and Pedestrian Trail. It was simply amazing. We brought a few artbikes there to donate, listened to the opening speaches, saw the cutting of the ribbon, then rode back and forth on the Greenway a few times. We stopped and looked around at the lake for a little bit and used the restrooms. We would have had a hotdog or something, but they were charging 2.95 for a plain hotdog! Forget it. We went back on the Greenway and had some free cookies. Peace Coffee was there giving out samples and showing off their trailer that they make deliveries in. That was cool. I stopped and talked to a lot of people. They had music there also. One of my favorites was a group playing various home-made instuments. I had met one lady from the group before in the bike shop and she told me about some drums they had made from old bicycle wheels. It was very interesting to me but after that discussion I had not seen or heard anything about them. Then today I saw them in action. Very cool. Today my heart beat in rhythm as they played.
I met another guy who builds wind chimes out of old discarded bicycle frames. He's trying to get that business going but so far no-one is buying. I talked to an old guy with a big white beard riding an ancient JC Higgins single-speed, coaster brake bike. He loves it. I liked him too. He was cool. He said he's going to come and visit me in St. Paul at the bike shop sometime.
I really like the Greenway. I can't wait until they connect it to St. Paul. It will create a great network of trails.

Jim has organized Sunday morning rides so I'm going to head over to Lake Nokomis by 7 to enjoy his company again. But thanks to his great idea, I'm bringing my brand new flat-bed bikego trailer along to do some garage sale bargain shopping. After breakfast that is. I just finished my trailer right before I had to leave for the Greenway grand opening and the bright yellow paint was still wet, so I couldn't bring it along today. I'm excited to try it out for something practical. I'm going to hunt for bicycles and books and if I find something I like, I'll be able to haul it back. This trailer is 2.5 feet wide by 6 feet long and attaches to my seat post. I'ts all made out of lightweight wood, with a couple metal braces and cables and screws. It has 16-inch wheels. The whole thing only cost me about 25 dollars to make. It was worth the time!
Speaking of trailers, I saw someone in my neighborhood twice today hauling around a BOB trailer. Interesting. We had a neighborhood wide garage sale today, so he must have been looking for bargains also.

Sunday is our 22nd Wedding Anniversary so in the afternoon my wife and I are doing something special. We're going to see the new Star Wars movie. We can be pretty romantic huh? At least we didn't have a costumed-Star-Wars wedding like some people we heard about. What geeks! ;-) We have come pretty close to the Dark Side a few times, but never gave in totally to our anger. There was still good in us. We could feel it. The force was strong in this marriage. The phantom menace was exposed and defeated, balance has been restored to the Force and there a New Hope for the future.

Have a great Sunday!

Posted by carl1236 at 11:50 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Life"

June 10, 2005

A night out

Tonight we went to a dinner and one guy had a few too many drinks. It happens sometimes. The host felt it necessary to apologize for this person's behavior. I told her that it wasn't necessary for her to apologize because she was a perfect host and everything was wonderful. I know how it goes. Sometimes we get over nervous in new situations and over do it. Actually tonight I overdid it too. I ate two large plates of food and drank way too much alcohol. I don't think I made a fool of myself thankfully. I'd hate to have the host make excuses for me. She was a wonderful host and the food was great and it was a fun little party. The guy wasn't really that bad underneath.
I'd better get to bed soon though, because tomorrow I'm doing a hard training ride. Actually I've been getting between eight and nine hours of sleep all week and I can't believe the energy I've had, even when increasing my physical activities. I think the combination of heavy exercise, eating a lot of calories and exercising hard feels really good.
Saturday's ride:
"Time: 7:30 AM
Location: At the Grand Performance shop
Description: A 2.5 hour ride, including several sprints. Generally Summit to the High Bridge, winding south to Cliff Road, back through Eagan to Hwy 13, west over the pedestrian bridge along 494, up 34th in Bloomington to Post Road, through Ft. Snelling State Park to Minnehaha Falls. Up the West River Road to the Franklin Avenue Bridge. Back down the East River Road to Summit and back to the shop.
This is a hard ride, sometimes with up to 40 riders. Occasionally, the ride will break into two groups."

Then at one o'clock I'm doing a group ride from the Sibley Bike Depot to Minnehaha falls. That will be a fun, pleasant social ride. No stress. I'm looking forward to chatting with everyone and hanging out.

My brother is here from Albuquerque, NM, so we are spending about 5 hours at my Aunt's house visiting with relatives. I'm really looking forward to seeing all of them again!

It's going to be a full day tomorrow so now I'm off to bed.
Sweet dreams!

Posted by carl1236 at 09:53 PM | Comments (1) | Life

Category "Life"

May 30, 2005

Another Emergency

I don't know, I don't really have a category for traffic accidents. Tonight when my daughter was coming home, two kids ran out in front of her so she had to slam on the breaks. One kid ran off scared and the other stood in the middle of the road like a deer staring into the headlights. My daughter stopped in time, but the guy behind her swerved and hit a sign, missing her car. The car following him swerved around his tail end and slammed into my daughters car. Her car sustained a lot of back end and rear quarterpanel damage.
After this accident my daughter felt a lot of pain in her neck and was having trouble moving without hurting. So we took her into the emergency room to be checked out. I guess there was no bone damage, and they said that her muscles were strained but she would be ok. She got some pain killers and was sent home. I'm just thankful that everyone involved in the accident is still alive.
That was my adventure for tonight.

Prior to that I had talked my neighbor into going for a bike ride with me around the neighborhood. That was fun, but how much fun should a person be allowed to have in one day. Now I'm off to bed exhausted.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:58 PM | Comments (3) | Life

Category "Life"

May 16, 2005

Miscellaneous ramblings

Today it rained again during our Beginning Racing Program class, but this time I had a new rain jacket and I covered my shoes with plastic newspaper bags. Several people commented on my baggies but they worked fairly well and were free! They ended class early because of the rain. I’ve been riding in the rain every day since last week on Monday. How about that? That also means I’ve been spending a lot of time cleaning and lubing my bike. Oh boy.

Yesterday I spent several hours working on my 1960’s Armstrong British-made bike. I was still removing stickers! What a pain! Now I’m basically out of time. I’ll have to work on it Wednesday, Thursday and Friday night.

Tomorrow night is the wheel-building class at the Sibley Bike Depot. I’m looking forward to that and I hope it gives me more confidence in fixing and building wheels. It seems we’ve been getting a lot of wrecked bikes in as donations and mainly the only thing that is beyond repair is the wheels and maybe the fork like the one I saw today. So the skill will come in handy right away.

I heard some disturbing news today, that the president of a certain non-profit organization blew his top on Saturday at a volunteer and started throwing things around, and he did it in front of a couple customers who turned around and left. He also reportedly threatened them that he was going to open another shop for sure now and close this one down. I don’t care who you are, position doesn’t give anyone the right to treat another human being like crap. It truly shows his contempt and lack of respect for these other human beings.

Last night at our discussion group several of the people mentioned a book they were reading. Evidently they belong to a book reading and discussion group also. I was curious about it and the host of this meeting went into his office room and brought a stack of about 6 books that they had read and discussed since last Fall. I looked at the titles and authors and they all seemed interesting. I’ve even read other books by some of these same authors. The way they described their meetings and discussions, it sounded like a lot of fun to me. I thought it was a cool idea so I might try this sometime.

I just read the 2005 Briefing on Gambling by the Joint Religious Legislative Coalition (JRLC), made up of the Jewish Community Relations Council, The Minnesota Catholic Conference, The Minnesota Council of Churches and the Islamic Center of Minnesota. Their official position is: “JRLC opposes state authorization of casino gambling or other new forms of gambling and we oppose the state increasing its reliance on gambling revenue.”
I assume that these organizations represent the majority of the population in Minnesota, since I think this is a fairly religious state. I’m also guessing on this statement, but I think that many of the proponents of state-sponsored gambling, like the Governor, legislators, track owners, mall developers, bar owners, and others promoting gambling schemes are members of one of the churches that are represented by the JRLC. It seems to me that all of these religious organizations are wrong or there are a lot of hypocrites going to church on Sundays, hearing the message of ‘oppose state authorization of casinos because it will create more addicted gamblers, cost millions of dollars of social costs, ruin thousands of families, and corrupt our state.’ and then go out the doors and do just what they were told not to do. I wonder if the church Pawlenty goes to is part of this coalition. I wonder how he justifies it to his priest or pastor who is lobbying against him. I wonder if they care as long as he keeps donating money to the church.
I like one quote from this ‘2005 Briefing on Gambling,’ which says, “What do we teach our children when our state government authorizes, operates, promotes, and advertises gambling as a way to get ahead?”

I played my trumpet again tonight for about 15 minutes trying to get the timing right on that song I got yesterday. I can read and play the notes, but that’s where I really need practice!

Today at work we got a free fitness stretchy-band if we signed up for a 10-week upper-body muscle development program. We have to track do a set of exercises using this band 3 times per week, log it in for 10 weeks and then turn in the form for a prize drawing. Three of us in my workgroup are going to do them together at work on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That should be fun. We’ll see what these simple exercises will do in 10 weeks.

Yesterday I bought some Fair-Trade Coffee and Green Tea. Tonight I tried the green tea and it was good. I also read about the Fair-Trade thing and like it.

I’m going to go to lunch with my friend tomorrow and have Vietnamese Pho. I love that! That will hit the spot and warm me up after a week of getting wet every day.

Tomorrow is another day.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:49 PM | Comments (2) | Life

Category "Life"

May 14, 2005

The Self-Sufficient Rider

My motto is Semper Gumby - always flexible. Here is a summary of today:
I got up and rode 11.99 miles on my way to the starting point of my 127 mile ride.
I got a flat tire about a mile away from the start of the organized ride.
I put a new tube in, put the tire back on and began to pump it up.
My pump broke.
I was stranded.
I carried my bike a quarter mile to a gas station.
I called my wife for a ride home.
After standing in the rain trying to fix my tire, I was cold and wet so I bought a cup of coffee and an apple fritter, then waited.
As I was waiting I talked to this wonderful old lady named June who just came into the gas station for a cup of coffee. I really had a good conversation with her and it felt like a warm, sunny June day.
My ride showed up and I went home.
I tried to fix my tire pump.
I took an hour-long nap.
I went to the recycling center with my wife to get rid of some stuff from the garage.
I went to the bike shop with my wife to buy a new tire pump, but they had a part kit for it so I bought that to fix it.
My wife saw a bike she liked and she test rode it and liked it. We bought it.
She was excited. I was excited.
We stopped at the book store on the way home, hehe. I bought a good bicycle book and my wife bought some cook books.
We had a snack and then came home.
I worked on my retro bike for one hour. (more on that tomorrow)
We ate dinner.
We went for a 2-mile bike ride (TOGETHER!!!) :-) My wife loved it.
We watched the movie, Romancing the Stone.
I had another rootbeer float.
I typed my blog entry.
I'm going to bed now.
Tomorrow I'm going to church (no work on Sundays anymore!)
In other words, it was a perfect day for a self-sufficient rider. I didn't get my long ride in but the day sure turned out great! If not for a flat tire and a broken tire pump, none of this would have happened! Amazing how things work out.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:22 PM | Comments (3) | Life

Category "Life"

May 05, 2005

That's life

Last night I stayed at the bike shop working until 10pm. Well, some working and a lot of talking, hehe. After that I made my way home and promptly fell asleep thinking I was just resting my eyes. I woke up at midnight on the couch and decided it was too late to write a blog entry so I went to bed. That's life sometimes.
Today was a long day and I put in about 36 miles total on my bike. I went to a party in NE Minneapolis and ate so much Korean food that I thought I'd burst! Riding home after that was difficult for the first few miles. It felt very uncomfortable! But the food was sooooooo gooooood! That's life sometimes.
Tomorrow I have off from work and I was planning to go for a long ride, but now I'm changing my mind. At least if I do, I'll get a later start and do a shorter ride because it's now almost midnight. That's life sometimes.
I just read this passage from the bible, and it is amazing to me to think it was written so long ago, and we still have a problem with this in our society.
Eph. 4:31-32 - "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,..." Well, it's difficult to state this in more simple terms that it's written here. What part of this don't we understand?

Posted by carl1236 at 11:52 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

April 28, 2005

No Plans are complete without...

It seems that no matter what our plans are, they can change. Just like the weather in Minnesota, haha. Tonight my plans were to work on my bikes, but instead we went to Home Depot to buy materials to fence in the rest of our yard so the dogs can run free and play back there without us having to watch them every second while we're working out there. It'll be nice. But I wasn't planning on doing that tonight. That was about 4 hours worth of time, including going out to dinner. hmmm. But I think all plans have to be flexible. One of the items on my to do list should be "Change plans" Haha.
After Home depot I bought two rubbermaid-like bins with covers to use as paniers for my bike, haha. Pictures will follow soon. Total cost for these water-tight grocery haulers? about 15 dollars for both. They will hook onto my rear bike rack that I installed for 5 dollars.
More tomorrow.

Posted by carl1236 at 10:25 PM | Comments (2) | Life

Category "Life"

April 14, 2005

Going to the Emergency room

This morning I was having chest pains and I thought I was having a heart attack. The excruciating pain lasted for about fifteen minutes and as soon as I could move we went in to the emergency room. It turns out my lungs and heart and whole cardiovascular system are in excellent condition and I had some swollen, inflamed muscles and torn inter-connecting cartilidge in my lower three ribs right above my heart. The doctor gave me some anti-inflamatory medicine and sent me home to rest. Probably caused by doing too many push-ups at once yesterday, without building up. I think I will pay more attention now to how much I’m doing, especially if it’s a new routine.
Anyway, the doctor said he wished he had my lungs and heart and veins and I suggested he ride his bike to work. He laughed and said the only bike he was going to ride was his harley. His choice.

During this emergency trip this morning, my wife, my daughter and I had a lot to think about. Often we don’t think about it so seriously until we are going into the emergency room. I’m thankful it’s not my tirme right now to go. So is my family. Even though I accept death as inevitible, it’s difficult to plan future things and think about ‘what if’ at the same time. Today we were forced to think about it.

As it turns out, there were many other people in the emergency room that had far worse problems than me. One was a severely injured bicyclist who was hit by a car driver quickly backing out of his driveway without seeing the bicycle at all. Something else for me to think about as a bicyclist.

Posted by carl1236 at 11:58 PM | Comments (3) | Life

Category "Life"

March 22, 2005

Living with Death

There are a lot of ways that people deal with death. Most often what we are feeling is a loss of someone close to us. Or anger at the way a good person’s life was taken too soon. When we are not going through it ourselves it’s easy to say what a good, bad, right or wrong way to deal with it is, or even if ‘dealing’ with it is an appropriate word to use, as if something is wrong with us and needs to be fixed.
I know in my mind that when people die from this physical life, they don’t just disappear but are transformed into another state. The body is dissolved and the spirit or soul goes on. But that’s not always comforting to us when we continue to live without the person that died. All kinds of thoughts go through my mind, like recognizing my own mortality and how I don’t really know when my time will be up.
Sometimes the way people die is very tragic to us and seems unfair. Young children die of a disease, or a mother in her 30’s gets breast cancer and dies, leaving her children behind or a kind, gentle man who is really doing wonderful things in the neighborhood gets gunned down a block from his house by a person in a neighborhood gang. This week a young man shot nine fellow students in Red Lake. It is tragic because it seems like they should have their whole lives ahead of them yet. But we don’t always get a full life, whatever that length of time is supposed to be.
I don’t know ‘why’ death happens, can anyone really explain it? Can we really understand it until we go through it ourselves? Many people have tried to explain it. Sometimes these explanations can be a comfort to us. For instance, understanding that it’s all part of the circle of life is one way of explaining it. All living things are born, live and grow, then die and become the seed for future life. We see this in the way plants grow from a seed, then reach it’s maturity, releases it’s own seed, then die away, become mulch, which fertilizes future growth or provides food for other living things. It all happens so naturally.
But sometimes even if we can grasp and understand the meaning of life, or the intricacies of all living things in the galaxy it’s not comforting at all because we are experiencing pain from a loss.
I do know that we are designed to have feelings. We bond with other people, we love, we hate, and we overflow with happiness and sometimes with sadness. This is also natural. We are certainly capable of emotions and do experience them, whether we admit it or not. In my experience, it’s not healthy to deny our emotional experiences. That to me is a lie, which leads to more pain and suffering although we may not recognize that pain and suffering as the consequences of not living truthfully.
Up until a few years ago I did not recognize or allow for this in my life. I never made the connection between living truthfully and allowing myself to have emotions, especially sadness, grief, loss, anger, and so on, which many people often consider ‘negative’ emotions that need to be eliminated. There was a trigger event that led me to my way of living with death.
I might have told some people about my experiences with being a Scout Leader or a youth leader. But I have mostly kept it to myself. For about 7 years I put my heart and soul and resources into running the program and working with the boys and their parents. This was a great experience, but also overwhelming. Even with the few others that were true hard-chargers, we couldn’t maintain a quality program without sacrificing something. We kept trying to get the parents involved, but it was difficult. As a result all of us leaders put in heroic efforts to keep it going. By the time I stopped doing it, I was dedicating 3 or 4 nights per week working on something Scouting related, plus monthly campouts and a weeklong summer camp every summer. When I finally stopped doing it I wasn’t relieved. I was sad. I was worried what would happen to these boys, and I was feeling guilty for stopping. When I told the few dedicated leaders that I was going to stop leading this unit, they were also devastated, but realizing the short-staffed situation we were in, no-one wanted to take over my position. The whole unit folded with about 40 boys losing out. But I couldn’t continue working the way I was, and I saw the deterioration of the quality of our program so I did what I had to do. It was very sad. I was so involved, then it came to a stop. All of it. I didn’t know what I was experiencing until one of my coworkers said to me, “You have to give yourself time to mourn.” That hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it, I was mourning my loss. When we pour our love into other people or things, we feel a loss when they are no longer part of our lives. I lost about 40 members of my family at once. I went through depression, anxiety, sadness, grief, whatever you want to call it, and didn’t understand why I wasn’t relieved to be done with it. I had to go on living with a large part of me missing.
Mentally I knew that these boys and their families would all move on. Some would find other programs to join. They would all grow up and become adults without my aid. But emotionally I was mourning. When I finally allowed myself to mourn and recognize and feel the loss, I eventually accepted it and was healed of my pain. And the healing process was probably faster and more complete than if I tried to deny myself this loss. I didn’t just deal with it; I learned how to experience loss and to live with it.
And just as I experienced a deep loss, those boys did also. They all handled it in their own ways. I still think it’s an unfortunate and untimely death, maybe even unfair to the boys. But it happened. It takes time to heal hurt like that.
About 3 years into the program as a leader, an old-time scouter named Bob Plant passed away. Everyone knew him in the scouting world and I could hardly claim I knew him better than they did. I was only involved in scouting for a short time, but he was involved for something unbelievable like 30 years. Maybe I’m forgetting the actual number, but it was a lot. He was well respected and helped to mentor a lot of boys and adult leaders. Bob was a woodcarver and he gave me my first woodcarving knife and took the time to show me how to use it, which I still use. But now his handwritten name is worn off the handle and the blade is worn down slightly from keeping it razor sharp as he taught me. He was also the man who got me into Scouts by telling me that he believed I would be a great leader. I spent the next seven years trying to improve my skills and myself, and be able to show him he was right. When Bob passed away, I was very sad. I felt the loss of a close friend and mentor, which he was to many people.
The boys in our scouting unit had to learn about death also. I had to set an example. Often at the same time we are trying to cope with loss and continue living our lives, we are expected to comfort others who are also experiencing a loss. What do we say that can comfort them, when we are not comforted ourselves? As far as I can see, the best answer is, it’s ok to feel sad and cry about it if we want. We can’t always explain why people have to die at any specific time, but we can allow ourselves to recognize and feel our pain as we begin the healing process. It helps to allow ourselves to mourn while we continue living.

And then there is the recognition of our own mortality. When we see someone close to us die, we recognize at some level that it could be us. Especially if we are older and see someone younger die. I have taken this to heart. I realize I’m lucky to be alive. I could have been a victim of a shooting or have been hit by a car, and I still could get cancer or have some other complications like heart disease. When I see someone close to me die, I know it’s real and inevitable. But that’s not always easy to digest. When I was younger I had a mentality that I was invincible. Life was an endless summer. But experiencing the loss of someone we love is a rude awakening. I remember when my Grandmother died of Cancer. It was a traumatic experience for me. I was in elementary school when it happened and I had to help take care of her when they moved a hospital bed into their house. I didn’t realize at the time that she was home to die and that the cancer would never be ‘cured.’ I did not know how courageous my grandmother was facing that and not being able to tell me that she was going away. I cried a lot then. When we face our own mortality, most of the concerns of this life seem to be a little less important. My grandmother tried to spend as much time with us as possible, but she was so sick and weak and the radiation was killing her. When she was at home in that hospital bed, I helped feed her and helped change her bedpan. I think in retrospect that was one of the most difficult times of my life. I did learn something about helping someone maintain their dignity while dying. My grandmother was embarrassed to have her grandson help her eat and use the bathroom. And she didn’t want to be remembered that way. I also learned that I would die someday also. But at that age I didn’t think it would be for a long time, at least until I was old like grandma. But later as I grew I realized Grandma wasn’t really that old when she died. My parents started having children when they were really young, right out of high school basically. But my older brother and I spent a lot of time in those younger years with my grandma and grandpa. I have a lot of favorite memories with my grandma. After my grandma died, I spent a lot of time with him learning how he carried on without grandma. He taught me how to make malto-meal, because that was one of the meals he could make on his own and it became one of our favorites together. I wonder how many meals he ate with Malt-o-meal and buttered bread. He also made a lot of oyster stew because he loved it and knew how to make it. I learned to love that too. Grandma used to make that.
Over the years I’ve experienced other losses and have lived on without someone I loved. I know that even with the medical technology advances of today, that I could still have an accident on my bike and die, or get shot by some crazed gunman, or get caught in a building that a terrorist decides to use for a statement. But unlike before when I was afraid of my own death, a subtle acceptance has crept over me. Before, fear made me ‘handle’ death more like something to be avoided at all costs. Now I have learned how to make Malt-O-Meal and Oyster Stew and get on with life. That doesn’t mean I don’t miss that person, it means that I accept their death as part of life and know I don’t have to fear it. I only hope I can be courageous like my grandmother when I go. Or if I die from a freakish accident or act of violence, then let it be quick and painless. I would still like to maintain my dignity I think, and not be remembered as weak and unable to care for myself. In the mean time, I know that life in this form could be very short, and how I live with death is just as important as how I lived with the people I loved when they were alive. I accept it but still cry and allow myself to mourn. I miss them and keep memories of them in my mind and heart. I don’t stop loving them but I realize that we won’t be interacting in the same way anymore. I no longer fear their death as I did before and I have learned to appreciate the time right now that I have to live my life and try to make the most of it.

Posted by carl1236 at 05:54 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Blogging"

Category "Life"

February 25, 2005

Have no fear

I’m having too much fun with my daughter's Journal Topics. Since I started doing this she keeps giving me more sheets with more topics. This last one the instructions say, “If you write more than one response, you will receive BONUS POINTS!” Note the emphasis on bonus points! The bonus for me is in sharing an interest with my daughter. We are having fun with this together. But she still has not shown me what she has written. I asked her recently if I could see her Journal topic responses so I could see and compare what she wrote with how I approached it, and then she informed me that she always chooses the last topic which is, “Topic of your choice.” haha. I so much enjoy my daughters company. I can already feel like something will be missing when she does leave home. Is this like this for every parent when their children grow up? It was like this with my son also, and it’s still strange not having him home, and not being able to talk with him every day when I come home from work. I know this is the empty nest syndrome and I know that we have to let our children grow up, but going through it and experiencing it is different than hearing about it. Even though it was hard for me when my son left home for college two years ago, it feels even stronger of a pull on my heartstrings having my daughter grow up. In a lot of ways, I can really connect with her. She is an artist and creative thinker. As an example of this connection we have, when I was leading some art workshops with some friends, she wanted to be there and paint with us. I was amazed at the cool things she made. She also volunteered to play some duets with me at Christmas, her on clarinet and me on trumpet. We performed for our family, but the practice together was the most fun. Well, I have to keep reminding myself that my children never really leave my heart. Things will just change and they will be doing what they dream of doing, which may take them to the other sides of the world. It also reminds me that we have to really make the most of every minute we are with the people we love.

1. What would it be like to have no fear? How so?

I feel like we have two kinds of fear. One is called ‘respect’ and the other is the ‘lacking of love.’ A certain amount of respect is necessary to keep us from doing stupid things that could kill us. But the other fear is not the opposite of love, but it’s like Hot and cold water. It’s all the same stuff that we are made out of, but Fear is colder water, lacking heat. So having no fear in that sense is being full of love and we can be that way if we choose.

After writing this I realize that I don’t really have to fear losing my son or daughter because I know that we are not lacking in love, so no matter what situations come up we will still love each other and life will take care of itself the same way it does now. There will just be new experiences and adventures for all of us to share.

2. If you were to adopt a different name, what would it be? Why?

I’ve already been there and tried that. After I graduated from high school I adopted the German name, Johann and all my German-speaking friends called me that. It’s just the German equivalent of my current name John. My Korean Language partner gave me a Korean name, but I forgot it already because it did not mean anything to me. But just the other day I saw the Russian spelling for John, which could be Ian or Ivan, but in this case it was just two letters pronounced “Yan.” So my adoption of a different name would really be just another translation of who I am.

Ding ding ding ding. BONUS POINTS!!! ;-)

Posted by carl1236 at 11:59 PM | Comments (0) | Blogging | Life

Category "Life"

February 24, 2005

The Library takes on a new life

Tonight we took a major step in creating my new in-home library. We consolidated all of our cookbooks onto two shelves. 59 cookbooks and a stack of cooking magazines with all the pages tabbed. :-) mmmm. But the major accomplishment tonight was that we moved my computer into the library room, drilled a hole in the floor and relocated our network router and cable modem into the closet. All of this took 4 hours. Ouch. Now I’m dead tired. It’s mostly my legs though because I ran 5.5 miles today at lunch, plus rode my bike. Tomorrow night I have to clean out my old office completely, which was the dining room. Then we can have a real dining room again! Just in time for company on Sunday. haha. Nothing like deadlines to breathe life into a project!

Posted by carl1236 at 10:42 PM | Comments (0) | Life

Category "Life"

February 16, 2005

Im gonna run to you!

"Yeah
Im gonna run to you
Oh when the feelings right
Im gonna run all night
Im gonna run to you"

Inspired by this blog entry on RUNNING ERRANDS and my January 24th post