Bradley James Carlson 1965-1986

| 21 Comments

Yesterday (8/20) was the 20-year anniversary of my brother Brad killing himself Download file. It was the typical concoction of depression and drug use. After 20 years the pain has subsided but the sadness will always remain. Probably the weirdest thing is that I walk by the site nearly everyday. Some days I don’t even notice, other times it weighs heavily on my mind -- although to be fair I am sure he didn’t know that I would one day be working at the University.

As a person of faith I feel quite confident that Brad is in a better place and his writings also show that he thought he was going to a better place. I have never held the belief that death means a person misses out what we experience on earth. They of course don’t experience it the same way we do, but by becoming part of the Holy Spirit, people who have died “know? that, for example, their kids graduated and had a good life, had children etc.

So I’m not sad that my brother died and he didn’t get to experience the things I have. I am sad because we can’t share those experiences together. He knows that Twins won the World Series in 1987, but we weren’t able to talk about it and share that joy. That is why we I think we grieve for the dead, we are actually grieving for ourselves.

In that vein, here is a list of things that I wish I could have shared with my brother over the last 20 years. It’s not an exhaustive list, and it obviously reflects where he was at 20 years ago, but it’s not a bad list. (also in no particular order)

Twins World Series victories in 1987 and 1991
The U2 concerts I attended in 1987 and 2002
My wedding
The adoption and birth of my children
The election and death of Paul Wellstone
Star Wars – Revenge of the Sith (last 45 minutes)
The death of Kirby Puckett
Timmy the Freak
The 3 New England Patriots Super Bowl victories in 4 years
Randy Moss “mooning? the Packer faithful
September 11, 2001
The new millennium
The Lord of the Rings Movies
Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky
Donnie Darko

Who do you miss and what events do you wish you could have shared with them?

21 Comments

Dean that was beautiful. I too have things I wished I could have shared with our brother over the years. Being an alcoholic, I now understand some of the pain he must have been experiencing. But with my newfound faith, I do not grieve, but rejoice in the fact that he is with our creator, in heaven and is at peace.

Some of the things I would have liked to share with Brad is:

The U2 concert I went to with Dean

My wedding

The birth of my 2 girls

My divorce

My daughters playing soccer

My recovery from Alcoholism

And much more.

The Bradman will always live on in my heart and I look forward to being with him one day.

I'm sorry about your brother,Dean. Thank you for sharing that with us. I miss my dad...and I miss the way his aftershave smelled....how he'd call me "Shawn,dear"(nobody else has ever called me that)....and I miss him calling me in the middle of the morning for no particular reason ....except to say "I Love You."....I feel like you do....that they're really watching everything from above...we'll have a lot to talk about someday.

Beautiful Dean. I had no idea you had lost someone so close, and in such a tragic way. I immediately thought of my grandpa who died of cancer when I was 13. I remember him listening to Twins games on his transistor radio at the dinner table, telling everyone to be quiet when something good was happening. He would have really loved 1987 and 1991, and I would have loved to have spent that time with him.

Thanks for the thought provoking post. I hope to see my grandpa again.

dino. i get it. it's hard to not be able to say i have 4 sisters and 4 brothers some days. i get to say there are 9 of us, 8 living. and then i am reminded of the confusion of that day in june as seen thru the eyes of an 8 year old. i miss her. the only true blond haired, brown eyed one in the family. but she is there with every giant set of thunderhead clouds i see - watching. i believe that someday it will all make sense. all of this.

It is November 3rd and I have just gotten around to reading Brad's blog.

Tomorrow night I'll be fulfilling my monthly volunteer service work at the Mission Detox in Plymouth...I wish Brad could come.

In July I celebrated nineteen years of sobriety...Brad's death got me into treatment.

I still listen to The Flock of Seagulls, OMD and New Order...music you introduced me to.

And before I go, Jeff Paine is a firefighter in Alaska somewhere

Todd C.

Todd:

Congrats on the sobriety, I myself will have 10 months tomorrow! WOO HOO.

Hi. I just now realized that this web page won't show accurately in my cell phone browser. Well i guess, I think I will simply work with the tried and tested IE.

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is the same color, the same style, he said they did not matter. Thus, the stage hands and Doraemon Hello Kitty patterns around the two Cups confrontation, Tinker Bell cup stuck in a green toothbrush, my; Hello Kitty is empty, because he has changed a while ago electric toothbrush, put on the shelf. Belong to two different stories of Cups, and at two different locations of the toothbrush, as if in mockery of our marital relationship, lopsided. Because of the time he went out early, packed his clothing is no longer my business, he would get breakfast? Long time no eat, and I also do not have to think hard and think about the menu, check the recipe, anyway, nobody show up. Not to mention the -


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In addition to the hull bumps shook me dizzy, I can not remember what the beautiful scenery, and even a peacock clams did not groan. -

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he was so easily, and can eventually lead to my heart. -

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water changed, my memories of him, has changed. -

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I do not know how much left of his love, but do not know that he left much of my love. Marry him, I knew he was taciturn; to marry him, I think they can change him, and he has not changed much. -


my heart jump a bit harsh, is not the original wave of emotions that old well, the sky because of his long absence, the slightest ripple considerate. -

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I care about, in fact, not to see what programs, though he Premier, Legislative Yuan, who, without him around to see what is uninteresting. -

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undeniable, my heart inclined to the latter. -

except when a virtuous wife, I also made no secret of his enthusiasm, light smile, one waited a long time I am happy enough. -


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married for five years, I found a love ...-

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but he also knows that there will be swelling the next day I finished the phenomenon of drug, slim body of my bone, a pair of swollen feet takes the same as the legs, only the ostrich mentality of these people I would think that he will not find . -

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talk to the children's things, he first fall silent. -

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between two people, low enough, and do not need to add a cause of conflict topics. -


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Think about five years, he did not say once -


he understood me afraid of the pain so he abandoned the idea of ​​children. -

morning, I heard him get up in the living room's sound, Gezhao Men do not listen to real board, but I can not wait until he has to work out a door slamming. While banging metal hit, he has been quietly replaced the daily routine, I finally got up and look at himself, but in the door, the smell for a while the aroma of food. -

in my eyes a little as two swelling peaches, he urged me to change clothes, take me out. -

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I dare a baby. -

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However, after seven days of his ado, I was really surprised. -

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he really love me ... even if he did not say. I think if I insisted on a divorce, he would let me go, and he could not bear to see me sad, as he saw me to tears and quickly grabbed me. -


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However, five years later. -

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I want a baby, but he seems not to want, I do not know how to tell him the opening. -


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What to divorce? -

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if, he wanted to divorce? -

we love, he liked to take me to the water, sitting beside the river bank watching the sunset, along the wharf were born, you can eat all kinds of different flavors of snacks. Fresh seafood input on reputation, he seems to be only wise old birds, always know which is the most authentic. -

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He may also notice that our marital relationship to a bottleneck, but also intends to carefully consider the feasibility of a divorce, he alienated in recent years, I did not shed a tear, but he was cold that day, almost exhausting my five-year tears. -

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to the edge of Fisherman's Wharf, scenic beauty re beautiful, but a kind of artificial Diaoqi affectation. I thought to spend several hundred dollars to the other side can take the blue highways Bali, like the ferry in general, but lost the antiquity of the yacht has a large circle around the opening and then back to the origin. -

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woman long neglected because of men and disappointment of love, but can also be a word for a man full of love, hope, and I - do not want to divorce him, a little also do not want, bite the bullet and signed the original name, perhaps just fit of anger, I just wanted him to look the look, but ... ... -

After dinner, we would snuggle on the couch watching TV, I read the news with him, listen to his comment on national affairs, criticism of social conditions; him to accompany me to see prime-time, listen to my story laugh, cry laughing. So I know the premier, who is President of Legislative Yuan, he also knows who is a popular play of Li Shimin. -


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handed from his hand after the divorce agreement, a full week, he did not say a word and I also slept for seven days on the sofa, still a day to work as usual, in addition to more cold, I do not feel he emotions. -

need some words of love women are moist, and I think this is the reason, the eyes looked at me and complained, I think he knows a reason. -

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he had been in a few years ago began to use condoms, and I do not know what made him change his mind, but it also loose my breath, my birth control pills seem to allergies, no matter what brand eventually come to change a swelling of the end. -

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one morning I get up early than he specifically, long-cooked tons after nearly a sumptuous breakfast to him. -

Douzhao Shou divorce agreement signed in the name of me, and he went out after a few hours, I am still trembling. This is an unknown fear, I, and so he gave me a result. -


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However, he should not sign it? Otherwise, why should he have children and I discussed the matter ... ... -

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marriage, we have described a vision for the future, he said to two children, after the first male and female, brother to protect her sister; I do not think they should enjoy the benefits of a life, when children's feelings is not quite hurry, but I do not want his bad mood and did not say it. -

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me five years later he was cold, and cut in pieces of my seven days. -

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married for a while, he was very positive and I unhappy, so I carried him to eat birth control pills. -

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holiday fair to say that he and I should be some common ground, but he was tired, I can only look for a job to do yourself, and friends who work out at work to shop and talk about right and wrong, but also complain about the way he was. -

I do not know how he can mess with nine in ten do not go to work, he received my doubts, just indifferent smile, a little body work clothing simply do not breath, he might also work fatigue, right? -

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However, some things, there is no divorce settlement goes, I will never know. -


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remember just married, when will the morning when waking up in his arms, I can not say as early as always blushing, fear of the tone of his mouth crumpled his brow; Tumbler and toothbrush persist and he used the same model to different colors, put together only to see the couple feeling; I will help him work clothes packed, what with what shirt tie, before being allowed through my aesthetic he put on the body. Got up to the table, for his health, a different pattern of changing my breakfast every day, sunny days may be combined with grilled bacon, eggs, toast; some rain, then perhaps to take a little rice salted pickles; If cloudy day, it is better to eat outside of the fried dough sticks and moves to use soy milk ... ... I changed no new tricks,beats by dr dre headphones, but I never tired. -

I want to remember his life look like if he would still be signed. -

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five years later, he seems to have abandoned a baby in this world, after all, he is the only one heat is useless. -

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between husband and wife began to made less than justice, he said to me, then, most are heat with. -

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also funny to say, we always thought he was in for the sake of each other, and considerate in their own way to the other side, this has led to numerous self-righteous someone else and, until I began to suspect that they do not love him, he does not love me, only to find that this love is not gone, but integrated into the lives of the people to forget the existence of a natural. -


he did not like the ordinary men, furious, began to reprove the woman's guilt; nor crying, knelt down and begged me to stay, he just tried calm your mood, do not say anything to take over the silent agreement, open the door, work, as usual. -

and placed in the bathroom of the Cups, he is simply confused Tinker Bell or the Hello Kitty is his is his, he thought the frequency of pink a girl color, so he has been with the Tinker Bell mouth rinse cup. -


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excuse me selfish, I was determined not to release, unless waiting for me to become his late wife, also because he could not bear to see me sad, I am confident you can keep him. -

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breakfast, he ate were 7-11, he acknowledged that I do miss breakfast, but he embarrassed the central every day I do to him, he knew that I would squeeze their brains playing tricks, he could not bear to see me too tired. -


without his lead the way, I can not find authentic seafood restaurant, find tasty snacks that he can not one person can ride a double -

I miss, really, even after five years, the period of memories still vivid. -

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I guess he added more than six degrees of myopia flash, I should not see edema before and even after the edema is not the same, focusing on his condom **** bother me a solution, while with to another new worry. -


love the performance, which can be sticky, affectionate, dedication, blessing, or even give way, each person in different ways, the result will be different. My approach is blind to pay, his way is total care, at first glance, two people are right, but no matter what way, in the middle of a small called -

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The warm morning kiss, every day he was back in my sleeping room to me, I uphold the dead end, that he does not need me to kiss. -

people cycling, but I was surprised to find more than a freshwater fisherman's wharf, you can take the bus in the past. -

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he began to talk about that four thousand two hundred grams of the giant baby, turned out that the experience of women friends, not only scared me, scared him. He does not want my children but also by the great pain, what caesarean section, natural birth, that concept is not he, will only know pain. -

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original, we have been invisible, the lips and teeth doing intimate exchange, pathetic HelloKitty, with no one out there has become a decoration. -


It was the first time I saw him so shocked expression, if that day is April Fool's Day, I think I succeeded. -


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Yes ah, I know, I always knew, otherwise I would not marry him, but, since we know, I Bijiang asked him to say? -

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As he slept at home, lunch and dinner, they solve it! -

thing.

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Sure enough, did not go too long, and there has become a place where I do not know. -

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I believe the time is not to itch, but in the end is what changed my interaction with him? Morning, his position often has been empty, can only be confirmed by the folds of the sheets that he really existed, even if he occasionally slept too far or small depends on what bed, definitely a hurry to jump up from the bed, hurried grooming of the coat. -


However, I will not open the joke is so bad, he knows I'm serious. -

matter what he said to me, I always want to hear, but I let him know now, the couple two years of wasted time in between the spin of this misunderstanding, he deserved, and I deserve it. -

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may also be ... ... he pronounced, and goes on a divorce agreement. -

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goes on divorce. -


he would double and I ride a bicycle ride along the old street light sea water, and then ride back to sea by the light, the scenery along the way is not very charming, but a kind of rustic flavor, and the salty sea breeze hit in the face I am enjoying this moment. Of course, sitting in the back seat of my bike two days of drying three days fishing net, and I feel good when it is step two, he knows I am lazy, or hard to step on. -

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more ridiculous the marital relationship, is not it? -


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He and I talked for a whole day, several hours of conversation, a four-fifths of the time I was crying, because I thought I made a monstrous mistake. -


as long as I cook, he likes to think every time to prepare food for him, he did not eat one, and in the end why do I feel that catch his stomach? -

this mean ...? -


Free -


This is what

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explained by him, I suddenly realized that even if work tired, he occasionally has the desire, sometimes at night around me, they look at me sleep soundly, eat less than that seen pain, he can only depressed in the stuffy own heart. -

remember that time, he excitedly took me to the hospital to visit a female friend, she had just given birth to four thousand two hundred grams of a giant baby, look wilt Mi's lying in bed. I forget his look of glass across a newborn baby, the eyes look blooming, but I forget, the female friend with a weak tone told me that her pain had a full day and night, before seeking medical products from natural to caesarean section. -

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see him Shenseziruo the way, I quietly eating breakfast, imagined he would say wait a minute. He will not altogether divorced? Or, tear up the agreement in front of me? -

not to mention his frequent overtime, often tired and fell down asleep at night, if I open the mouth, it seems that by increasing the pressure on him. -


embankment next to the food stalls was gone, all concentrated in the MRT station nearby, he and I watch the sunset over the place renovated into a Long Beach, for a walk. The road becomes clean of course is good, but his collection of memories and I place disappeared. -


Yes ah, we can create new memories, as long as I have him, what time and place is not a problem. -


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he said, five years, he did hold me wake up every day, but then he was busy with work, time to change up early, and I still sleeping, do not know it, and sometimes he would kiss me face, looked at me and greed of sleep Yan, he does not have the heart to wake me up. -


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we do not have the same topic, not have the same interest, in addition to -

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I think I catch his stomach. -


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take advantage of now, no children, did not tie him down, I do not seek him what the best time of the divorce, right? -


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row at home before work is it? I smile. -


Another thing that surprised me, he really knows Thunderbolt Taiwan, actor who, even if not been completely correct guess. -


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Fisherman's Wharf, he did not set foot off the pace, I first of his step, it is not him, just my experiences. -

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he did not know the first few months, I lost and bored, take the MRT to the water myself. -

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he never used the tone of this question and I say, looking at his rare Lise, I went so far as to say a word. -

his interpretation of a sentence, let me out of a cylinder tears, when I want to add less oil; soy sauce salty, eat large burden on the kidneys, for you sake of my health, seasoning, do not add too much.

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newly married, I order him to study cooking, Therefore, some common dishes in our restaurant table, kung pao chicken, just before dawn intestinal Wang, Scallion Chicken, Pork ... .... Glad to see him eat, and I laugh, though incomplete is my favorite, but, like his favorite foods. -

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further information, I discovered that he always knew I was taking medicine - what times I may just put the medicine in the make-up stage, he saw, he thoroughly understood I do not want children. -

With his increase in the number of overtime, we rarely watch television together, and I know nothing can be said for national affairs; and he asked are not asked, Taiwan, actor Charlie fire who he absolutely can not know. -

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Oolong? -

mention of his clothing, he was laughing my silly, he could see that I will be adding new clothes for him, according to the color pattern neatly segregated in the cabinet, and I often helped him during the wedding with, for a long time he also knows my preferences, what tie with what clothes he was wearing for me. -

the time he and I together, strictly speaking, from the night at 7:00, that is, after he came home from work. If he work overtime, then time may be extended to ten, eleven. -


I have some regret, that regret and gradually spread to the heart as a starting point, spread through my head and toes. But regret and how? Do not cut the Gordian knot, just plain water, dragging a day, two human stem consumption. -

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Sometimes he took me to ride on a ferry to the other side of Bali, there's only one way to lively, full of peacock clams sold, two people can eat a big plate, but feel boundless. -

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then, there is no third party, no quarrel. -


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cooking classes I can say halfway, do not know which day, he began to interfere with the way I cook, he does not like too much pepper kung pao chicken, just before dawn he began to resist intestinal Wang, Scallion cock I do not pour oil, and even how much to put soy sauce stewed Pork, he say. I do the dishes become more and more simple, do not want to go to cooking classes, and sometimes a stir-fried vegetables, meatballs and tofu soup and preserved eggs rid of him, he had no opinion. -

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However, after a stay in his empty house to go to work, I suddenly felt a baby is also good, at least the room will be busy, I will be a little less lonely. -


I can not get to eat


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sea breeze blowing head, is fresh water. He also remembered this place, this place we treasure the memory. -

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weekends and holidays, noon he will not get up, I see him so tired, of course, does not bother him to take me around town. -


agreement goes on, even if thrown into the trash, garbage bags will be struck by the sound, but he did not voice a little, I suspect he did wrong thing, time to ignore me, just want to see I will not forget their divorce thing. I can not stand, and he in the end how to do? Even a divorce, but also was so indifferent from it? -


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my love, not enough to change him, his love, has not changed for me, this is probably the key. -

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poor Youyanjiangcu destroy love sweet tea, I tasted, but it is five years in exchange for lessons. -

been a long time did not travel with him, and in between the two ice cold after sitting beside him, had I had the feeling of love. -


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marriage to the number of fresh water, in addition to the wedding that period, almost one of the few, the last two to three years is not been to one. -

So, I grabbed his heart? -

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I handed out a divorce agreement. -

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the face of his mind, I had really speechless. -

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I'm almost forgot he embraced the feeling of welcome sun. Bathroom in the Cups, was broken in a few years ago, the appearance could not find one, and another fell into the toilet just because, so it switched to a new; five years, the toothbrush has been changed I do not know a few pieces, sometimes we sleep confused, and will spend the same team, what tone do not need to cover up the problem. -


punching! He wanted children, I heard that they want to have children, he was now greatly excited light to tell me that. But, at the flashing light immediately after Nama Lianqu, he sat to ask me a question. -

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then I take the drug habit in the drawer, he thought I was not eating, fear of body edema uncomfortable, so he DAI Qi condoms, all comes down to, or for me. -

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I did not expect that five years could change all that. -


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I stare him to concentrate on driving profile, their movements and appearance of his deep deep in my heart, because I almost forgot, also between me and him sideways a problem. -


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our marriage, is building castles in the air at the top of this lack of communication, to marry this man for five years, I thought I do not love him gradually, but only some simple catharsis mind, I told him all Love has resurfaced, even turn thick. -

I found, if they wish, two people can talk about anything, even I explained to him the story of Taiwan Thunderbolt, all the way to talk to the topic of plastic surgery, he listened with great interest. -

me, I closed ourselves into thinking that he would not listen to me, do not want to talk to me. He distressed me a man at home, and talk the company a bad thing afraid of boring me, you see I do not want to pay him any heed a look, he can only touch a nose day gray. -

I appreciate his work tired, and he understands me and my friends go out, so we missed again and again accompanied. -


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