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July 18, 2005
Dual (or more) goals
Recently, I have been contemplating the fact that I'm nearing the home stretch of a lifelong goal of getting a Ph.D. I realize that I still have the dissertation to accomplish, and that many, many Ph.D students never finish the dissertation. I will NOT be one of those students! I have my experience from my Master's thesis to remind me that it can be done. Here's how it went back then:
I got this great idea for a qualitative study, collected way, way too much data, and then, decided it was time to start a family. No one told me that the first trimester of pregnancy can bring unfathomable exhaustion! I spent much of that time, especially the time before the test came back positive, wondering if I was narcaleptic. I had visions of nurturing my pregnant self by channeling my energy into finishing my thesis, but alas, after the exhaustion ended, a bacterial infection set in. I spent 9 months wishing I had written my data analysis. Around the 8th month or so, I settled into reading short essays by Gloria Anzaldua and daydreaming about how when the baby was born, I would spend countless hours at the computer, typing away, with one hand rocking the babe in his cradle. I'm sure by now you realize that never happened either. No, in fact, our lovely child entered the world, after a long and hellish labor that I won't describe here (but for the really curious, I've included it in the Extended Entry below), and we discovered that he had a condition that required immediate medical attention: he was born without a butt hole. Naturally, no one at the hospital he was born at could give him one, so he was sent across town, to another hospital. It turns out he had to have a colostomy for the first 8 months of life, and with it, countless extra medical visits, etc. When Jurgen was resting peacefully in his little hospital bed after the final surgery, I received official word that I was coming to Minnesota for the doctoral program. So much for the happy, ideal family we had imagined. (Before I continue, though, I want to add that at this point, and even then, really, we wouldn't want it any other way. Jurgen is such a constant source of joy and surprise for us, and we definitely appreciate the struggle we've all gone through together.) Getting the thesis done required more effort than I expected, and Jurgen was actually one before it was approved and turned in.
So, I know it can be done. And, I will do it again, even though right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the little details of General College transitions, preparing to teach in the fall, and articles I'm churning out for publication.
As I contemplate this life transition of being ABD, I've decided to add a new life goal to the list, and that is to walk a marathon. If you know me personally, you can imagine this is a big deal because for the past several years, I think I've nurtured my mind a little more than my body. However, inspired by Oil Is For Sissies and Pema Chodron, I've started walking. And I don't plan to quit until I reach the finish line of the 2007 Portland Marathon.
The labor? It was everything it shouldn't have been--induced, too long (56 hours!), 3 hours of pushing, and then a c-section, no less. Just enough progress all the way through to keep going, but not enough to make much difference. I think in many ways, it was the medical model at its worst.
Posted by chri1010 at July 18, 2005 10:09 PM
Comments
My hat is off to you! Yes, if you came thru all that OK, a little dissertation--and long walk--should be a piece of cake! And what a joy Jurgen must be to you after all he's been thru. (Are you preparing the "pain in the butt" jokes for when he's a teen?)
Posted by: Yvette at July 21, 2005 6:52 PM
Dear Laurene
Hi. Thank you for sharing your experience.
It encouraged me a lot. As you know, I just
finished my master's program which was the
biggest dream I had had. And now, I have not yet found the next goal or what I would
like to do. Although I came back to Japan,
a lot of challenging waited for me and
I have confronted with them. I don't think
my decision of coming back was wrong yet
it's still hard and something makes me in a
hurry. However, after I read your decision of dual goals, I realized that I don't have to
run and that I need to allow me to walk little by little.
Since I just finished my MA, I still don't know
if I would like to go further as you did.
Yet, including all of those things, I will
find out where I would like to go, taking
more time.
I am looking forward to being one of the readers
of your dissertation in the future!!
Thanks.
Akiko
Posted by: Akiko Kodama at August 7, 2005 9:34 AM