September 19, 2007
No Baby This Time
It's been a long hard summer. Truth be told, we never thought that J would turn 6 and not have a sibling. Not that we haven't been working on it. For a long time. But, being doctoral students (or, I should say candidates, since we've both passed that milestone now) and working full-time and being the parent of one child has been a lot. Travel schedules aren't always compatible with ovulation schedules. We were starting to doubt things. And then it happened earlier this summer: two faint lines on a pregnancy test.
We were surprised. We were happy. We were in shock. I did all the things a good pregnant woman should do. I took my vitamins. I drank lots of water. I gave up caffeine. I got lots of rest.
But then, I started to get cramps. I started bleeding. A trip to the emergency room. And then, I entered into the last three weeks of hell. A cycle of not knowing anything. Blood tests regularly to see if my hormones are going up (they were). Ultrasounds to see if they could see a bay in there (they couldn't). Doctors who were generally not worried about the bleeding, even though I was. A lot of resting. A lot of not being able to focus on anything but my body. A lot of tentative optimism, but really knowing that things were about to not work out after all.
And then it happened. It became completely clear that there would be no baby this time. One more blood test to confirm what I already knew. There's not gonna be a baby this time.
At first it was a little easier to deal with. The hormones hadn't yet plunged dramatically, and I could stay philosophical about it all. Recognize that some things aren't meant to be. Know that early miscarriage is likely a sign of a genetic malfunction that isn't viable anyway. But now, with the hormones doing their thing and all, that philosophy stuff is a little more distant. It's hard to hear J ask in his innocent 6 year old way if the baby would have been a boy or a girl. Or, hear him demand, I just want you to be pregnant NOW, mama! Believe me, kiddo, I do too.
But instead, it's time to heal up the bumps and bruises and get back on my bicycle. Keep on working on this project, as we call it. Now we know one thing we had been starting to doubt: the parts REALLY do work. So, there should be a baby some day. Just not in April 2008.
Posted by chri1010 at September 19, 2007 11:35 AM | Family Matters
So sorry for your loss! I have been there, done that and it sucks. Best wishes for the next time around (hope it will be soon)
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