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August 16, 2008
This Time Last Year....
Around this time last year, I woke up one morning, took a pregnancy test, and was a little surprised to find two pink lines. Pregnant. Something we'd been waiting for for so long! I got dressed, drove to St. Paul and got on a riverboat to do an intercultural training event. The boat rocking added to my nausea, but I was so happy I didn't care.
A week later, we went to the state fair, an annual tradition. It was hot, and sticky. I probably didn't drink enough water. I got home, and soon after, found blood in my underwear. Some cramping. We called the nurse, who told us to go to the hospital. The doctor was really reassuring--lots of women bleed when they are pregnant, she said. Try not to worry about it. Yeah, easy for her to say. They did an ultrasound, and couldn't find the baby. They sent me home with a plan for more blood tests and another ultrasound. A few days later, the bleeding seems to stop, or at least slow down.
Drawing blood to measure hCG levels, every 3 days or so. Go to the lab in the lab in the morning, and maybe you can have the results by afternoon. Go in the afternoon--get the results the next day. The waiting is the hardest part. I call the doctor's office for the results and get put through to voicemail. I leave a message. I call back 4 hours later, after sitting by my phone at work all day. My office mate knows something's up, and he agrees to watch my phone for me while I step out to pee. Nothing. I call back and yell at the nurse who tells me it's too late now for someone to call me today--do you know how hard this is to wait? Do you know I called this morning? She feels bad and goes to track down my results: hCG up. Good news.
Good news doesn't last long. The bleeding starts again, slow and red. The ultrasound still can't find a baby. The hormone levels seem to rise, and the doctor doesn't know what to say. She keeps thinking maybe the problem is that we don't know the right date of my last period. Maybe that's it. Be patient, she says. Wait.
In the meantime, J starts kindergarten. I wish I have more energy to be excited for him, but I don't. I feel confused, and worried. We've been trying for this baby for so long--why does this seem to be happening. J comes home from school having met a new friend, and he wants to go over for a playdate.
The day of the playdate arrives, and I feel like crap. The bleeding is still going on and the doctor is still cautiously optimistic. The numbers seem to be rising, and she's hoping in another few weeks we'll be able to see the baby on the ultrasound. I feel rundown, and not up to the playdate. Not wanting to meet new people. My sister tells me maybe it'll be a good distraction.
We drive across town to J's new friend's house. B's family welcome us enthusiastically, and invite us onto the back porch for some organic apple juice, imported cheese, and some other little treats designed to impress us. They want to talk politics, but I don't. They criticize us for not letting J play with weapons, telling us that "it's actually more liberal to let your kid play with them because kids will turn anything into a weapon." I feel worse, but can't tell why.
After some time outside, the kids want to go in to play legos. We are invited to sit in the livingroom. I stand up to go inside, and suddenly a rush of blood exits my body. I rush to the bathroom. Blood everywhere. Bloody matter clotted in my underwear. I look at it, wondering what to do next. Wondering if this is my baby that no one can find in the ultrasound. Am I supposed to keep it? Flush it? I don't want to leave it here, in some unwelcoming stranger's house. I wrap in gently in toilet paper, and put it in my purse. I try to clean things up a bit. Washing my hands, I notice my face is white as a sheet. I want to go home.
I go into the livingroom, and am encouraged to take a seat on the white floral couch. I sit gingerly, hoping I won't stain it. I say to C, we should go soon. He doesn't seem to get the message, and so we stay. We all continue to blather on about the weather, the homework policy at the school, and other forgetables. The dog seems to be curious about my purse, and can barely be pulled away from it. The woman apologizes---she doesn't know what's gotten into the dog. Thinking of the contents of my purse, I smile wryly, just wanting to get out of there, and finally C gets the message and we depart.
The next day, the hormone levels are way down, the waiting over. No baby this time. Just healing to begin. The baby comes to me in a dream, to say thanks for being a safe place to rest on her way to her forever family. The doctor tells me the little mass of tissue I saved didn't yield any information about what happened. But there'd be no reason not to try again, when we're ready.
This time, this year...
J is still friends with B, although there have been no more playdates, and I don't foresee any to come.
The ultrasounds reveal there iS a baby in there, and pretty soon, we'll maybe even know if the baby is a boy or girl.
The fair is coming up. I'll bring water with me this time.
What a difference a year makes.
Posted by chri1010 at August 16, 2008 10:19 PM | Family Matters
Comments
I'm sorry sorry. I'm happy that it's different this time around, but so sorry that you had to go through that.
thinking of you all
Kimberly
Posted by: Kimberly at September 1, 2008 9:58 PM