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Thought process #1

Looking back I wonder when it was that something in me transformed.
Who exactly am I?
I was born in Nagasaki, Japan in 1985. I grew up with two languages in my head. I grew up with an urban bred Japanese mother and a I-Wish-I-Was-A-Farm-Boy father. I learned how to tie a kimono and drive a four wheeler.
But I never really thought about it:
I am a girl.
But how "girly" am I?
I think I have this image of a girl in my head that I have been completely terrified of for a long time.
She's polite. She's pretty. She's smart. She's neat. She's fashionable. She knows how to talk to men. She's incredibly feminine and she pisses me off.
I'm loud. I'm messy. I'd rather wear sweats all day and I'd rather learn about cars than learn about clothes.
I like loud thought-provoking music. I like sitting around nerding out on the internet rather than shopping. I like action movies more than chick flicks and I am now beginning to understand what my boyfriend in high school meant when he said, "you're just not like the other girls" and broke up with me. Because he's right. I'm not.
And I think that scares me. A lot. But not enough for me to change.