September 21, 2005
Drink Goat's Blood
That's about what I feel like doing now. I hate people. I'm frustrated with life, the universe, and everything.
The biggest thing is that my ArtsMosis project has essentially fallen through because:
- Information flowed too slowly (i.e., it took me too long to figure out how to do it...) far too much of my time this past month was spent waiting for web pages to load. People were no help either; even in the electrical engineering department, no one could help me. They could give advice and vague tips, but ultimately nothing came of it.
- Goods moved too slowly (i.e., far too much of my time was wasted waiting for parts to be delivered...) I was like a blocked computer thread that can't do my work until someone else finishes theirs.
- I ran out of money. Some very simple things cost way too much money. Costs also rose exponentially as time ran out. The later it became, the faster I needed equipment, the more I was willing to pay to get it here quickly.
Now it's dark and oppressive and storming outside. How apprpriate. Gravity Kills playing. Loud. And it's not enough.
I'm also really sick of superficiality. That sounds awfully cliché, so I'll try to phrase it more elegantly. It saps my energy to be anything but perfectly genuine, and it drains me to deal with people who are not being genuine. There's just a raw, red, itchy fuzz around them, and it's tough to look at them without wincing. And I know that's just "how they are." All the time. It's not a front for my benefit. I know this. It still makes me ill.
I just want to have a friend in Minneapolis whom I can treat honestly like a human being, who loves, cares, and fears, and doesn't need to wear that on his/her shoulder, but who is not ashamed of it either. Who knows it's honest and normal. Who fuckin gives a hug now and then; who can acknowledge that. I need a friend who is good, who is searching, who is both honorable and critical.
I also ruined a pair of pants today by biking in them. Gears tore them up. Probably only happened because I was pissed off to begin with.
Tomorrow's the solstice. Hopefully everything will get back in balance.
Posted by crock038 at September 21, 2005 7:22 PM | Rambling
I'd give you a hug, but you're super-not-near. That's why you just need to get a position at UT once you're done. As long as Austin hasn't been blown away by this quasi-hurricane we're gonna get.
BTW, I suspect you mean the equinox there, chief.
Posted by: Zac at September 22, 2005 11:47 AM
Hey there Big Zac -- yeah, oops, equinox -- had the balance idea right... and I don't suspect I could ever move to Texas... even though Austin is a great little island... I'm just an ocean+mountains kind of guy.
Posted by: Little Zac at October 12, 2005 11:29 PM