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March 27, 2005
Stasis
Just got home from the midnight movie at the Uptown Theatre: Taxi Driver. Walked home very slowly, definitely effected by the movie. In a strange, dual state. On the one hand very emotionally in tune with, and obviously having been controlled by or influenced by the movie. On the other hand, I was very objective about it. Could have stopped acting "odd" and just walked home normally. Decided at every step not to do so, seemed somehow right to be as I was... cathartic perhaps... started singing / moaning / chanting on the way home... by the time I got to my door, after hedging as to whether to take a long detour into the night, under the stars, collecting moonbeams... by the time I got to my door, I was singing Stasis, or something like it.
It's a poem I wrote at Vanderbilt in 1998... I sang it, accompanying myself on piano at the McGill Coffeehouse (Holy Cow, a picture of me performing on flute!!!)... it was at a very hard time in my life... The performance was quiet, haunting, and powerful, but was taken the wrong way by many people... thinking the song was about them, rather than simply an expression of myself...
I came inside tonight, and very quietly (it's almost 3am) performed it (I don't remember all the words, but the intention was the same) on the piano, singing... It occurred that I could do such a thing at a Salon3136 event... I don't know if that would be right... No one exposes themselves so emotionally here... it would shock people... and be... well... painful for me... in a strange sort of way... it would greatly change people's opinions of me... I guess I have to decide if I want that.
Posted by crock038 at 03:04 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 22, 2005
Jealousy / Anger That Inspires
Something I want to do in the not too distant future—a project to pick up... I like dancing to drum-n-bass music. I want to make a performative computer music work, where I can dance to control the audio. Just pisses me off right now to hear my friends working on something really cool... makes me feel like a fucking classical nerd.
Posted by crock038 at 10:09 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 17, 2005
Peace
So, I write from Baltimore, in Solange's room while she takes a cat nap. She's very adorable over there. I could just stare for hours. Watching her breathe, move her lips the tiniest bit... wiggle a toe... turn over.
It is utterly amazing how, no matter how long it's been, no matter what has happened in between, no matter what is going on in our crazy individual lives, the second I am in Solange's presence... everything becomes easy, peaceful, and normal. Instantly. Even if we were dropped on Mars, I think it would feel the same—we would explore together like we explore any situation together, we'd go about life just like we always have.
Amazing. Apart, longing and loneliness overtakes me, I bury myself in work, bury myself in anything to stave off the motivation-killing feelings... the horrible sense of completely being alone. Together, bam! My head becomes clear, my work loses the sense of frantic urgency. I can do what I need to do for a bit, relax for a bit, kiss her neck for a bit, laugh and do some more work. I get almost as much done and feel much, much happier about my life.
Posted by crock038 at 05:32 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack
March 11, 2005
Keeping in Touch
Just received an email from what one could call a "long lost friend." She's not really, we were certainly not lost to each other, and it probably hadn't been that long in reality -- a few years maybe... made me remember some very good long lost times... gives me some beautiful food for thought to dream on tonight...
Really busy lately, as evidenced by my lack of posts... Edmund Campion is the bomb -- he's in the final running to replace Judith Lang Zaimont as she retires from the U of Minnesota... just finished a web application that my colleagues really really appreciate... applying for a grant that I've got an ok chance of receiving that would allow me to do some incredible research this summer... research I've been dying to take on for months... possibly years in earlier incarnations -- without the grant it's not very possible though... very time-consuming -- i.e., holding a nine-to-five or being in school full-time makes it almost impossible.
It's supposed to snow all this week in Minneapolis, only a little at a time... the days are definitely getting longer though... Spring is on her way round the mountain...
Did pretty well on a Differential Equations test today -- with five more minutes I could've gotten 100%, but just remembered how to do one of the problems in the last five minutes and frantically scribbled until time was up.
Spring Break next week -- road trip with j. and Noah to Baltimore... I'll stay with Solange... she'll be busy, but it will be wonderful anyway... I certainly have plenty to do... finishing that grant app not the least... a few contest deadlines coming up soon too...
Posted by crock038 at 02:53 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack