Leadership and Change

The biggest change that I have experience in my adult life was moving out of my parent’s house into directly buying my own home without any assistance from anyone (friends or family). Most of my undergraduate college career I lived at home with my parents to save money. For a short stint I had the experience of living with a roommate, but for the most part remained at home until I was 24.
Prior to moving out, it was and always has been instilled in me by my parents to be independent, make the right choices, and learn how to manage and invest your money in the right places. At the age of 24, I came to the point after working full time for a few years and being able to save money, that it was time for me to experience life on my own. I didn’t need my parents’ support or input on everything that I did all the time. It was time for me to make my first adult decision.
Throughout the entire process – from finding a realtor to help me look for homes to signing my purchasing agreement I consulted with only myself. This was an experience that I wanted to prove that I could do on my own. So I did. I admit I made a few mistakes along the way, but I also consulted with the right people and took my time to find the perfect home for me. I felt that I had to prove my adulthood to my parents by not telling them what I was doing until the purchase agreement was signed. Approaching the process of buying a home this way also changed my relationship with my parents. They were quite surprised that I went ahead and did everything on my own without involving them, but also respected me as an adult to take on this challenge.
During the process and thereafter living on my own, has been the biggest change in my life. I’ve learned to manage my money effectively, appreciate the responsibilities I have in my life, and take charge to determine what my next steps will be. Owning my home is a challenge every month in some respect. I feel with the decisions that I made and the responsibility that I have grown to accept that I can make it everyday and can be a successful, proud homeowner.

My first response to this question is, “when did I become an adult?� In many ways, I feel like I’m still trying to figure that one out. But for the sake of conversation, I’ll take adulthood back to when I was bumped out of my parents’ nest at 18. I’ve heard that the eldest child learns more quickly and is generally more independent than their siblings. This probably explains how, for the last eight years (even before living independent from my parents), change has been my life. But that’s another conversation to be had another day.

Currently, I am experiencing one of the biggest changes of my adulthood so far. I am moving from a “human doing� to a “human being�. I am becoming an observer of the world around me rather than just acting in it. For as long as I can remember I have been so involved with activity around me I forgot to assess my own development. Yes, I think that my artistic and individualistic traits guided my maturation innately, but I am only beginning to understand just how out of touch I am with my own self.

One good example of my over-involvement is my contribution to various communities. I highly value community as a caveat for growth when its members can be involved. But growth can only happen if the members are willing to invest time and effort, creating relationships. Prior to my shift in thinking I was always moving through multiple communities, trying to help out with as much as I could in a short period of time before I would burn out. Though I was true in my intention, I actually couldn’t help anyone because my investment to the cause was not there. Now I try to enjoy activities without having to always be involved. This allows me to be more committed to the few opportunities I decide to involve myself in.

This change, though I can’t imagine my life without it, came about from my exploration into eastern philosophies (yoga and buddhism, for example). So it’s no surprise that my response to the changes also came from this source. One of the greatest lessons I am learning is how to be an observer of this change. Staying true to the mantra “be�, I usually respond by journaling or sitting, not actively engaging in it. By doing this I find I can fully engage in the change, have a conversation with it, and then let it become a part of my life. “Institutionalizing the new approaches� as Kotter would say, in the organization of “ME�.

One of the biggest changes I have underwent as an adult (so far) is getting my first full-time job. Transitioning from the world of part-time to full-time is a huge change. As a part-time employee and student, I was making about nine dollars an hour. The idea of having full-time employment, working twice as many hours at a higher pay rate, sounded wonderful. I pictured myself living much more comfortably, not having to worry about money, and leaving behind the feeling that I was just scraping by.

Well, I forgot about all of the other “perks� that come along with having a full-time job. First of all, you get benefits, which is awesome. But, don’t forget that you have to PAY for those benefits, which eats up a chunk of your paycheck. Then, typically, you need to be able to make it into the office in the morning without your car breaking down. It is time to get rid of the old junker, and invest in something a little more reliable. Along with needing a car to get to work, you also need to gas to put in your car for the new commute. The full-time job is typically farther away than student employment, so you are going to need a lot more gas. And don’t forget that at many jobs, you have to pay for your own parking. And even though you may have already had housing expenses, it is generally more expensive after college, as your standards are raised. In the meantime, as you are getting used to all of the new expenses, student loan repayment kicks in (if you are like me), and there goes the rest of your paycheck.

Obviously, there are actual perks to being employed full-time. Benefits are nice, and health insurance is really nice. It is also considerably more fulfilling to wake up in the morning and have plans that don’t involve watching Regis and Kelly between classes. I understand that there will be a point when I am actually living a lot more comfortably, and will not be as worried about finances. But along with a full-time job being a big change, another huge change was getting rid of the fairy-tale image that I had of the working world. Sure, there is no homework with a full-time job, it is a significantly more structured day and you make more than 300 dollars a month, but that doesn’t mean that everything will be easier. Along with growing up comes more responsibility, but these challenges will make a stronger person. For example, I have never been as responsible with my checking account as I am now. Being forced to pay numerous bills (on time!) has made me more aware than ever of where my money is going. Each new change or challenge that adulthood brings is yet another opportunity to shine, and to show true self-respect and character.

I am sure many of us strive for control of are own lives. When we are faced with a major medical condition, we find out that control is at times a matter of degree or just illusionary. One of the biggest changes in my adult life happened three months before the opening of my veterinary clinic in 1994. I was diagnosed with a condition that if left untreated (or unsuccessfully treated) would have left me a quadriplegic (think “Superman� Christopher Reeve’s condition). I was backed into a corner and had to go forward on blind faith and place my confidence in an egotistical, but brilliant neurosurgeon. Obviously, the surgery was successful…and we opened the clinic on schedule.

The experience brought changes to the way I live my life. I still struggle against my very deliberate decision-making nature and try to embrace a carpe diem way of living. Because my condition has a genetically related cause, I have become involved with an organization which supports research of the condition and support for those affected by it. I have joined others lobby-ing to end discrimination in employment, health care, and insurance based on pre-existing genetic diseases. I prioritize my life by what are important—relationships with family and friends, and then try my best to live by it. Prioritizing also led me back to the U to pursue a passion in my career, to hopefully someday to make a difference in my discipline, and to foster a greater appreciation of the animals that share our world. Although I am not a thrill-seeker, I do try to appreciate being-in-the- moment. Some people dream about what they’ll do when they retire, I’ve learned that some things can’t wait.

It seems my life has always included change. Since graduating from college, I’ve lived in ten cities, worked for nine employers, and been married twice. Most of these changes have been well thought out, risks assessed, a plan in place. I was raised to believe that I could be anything I wanted, to be independent, in control. So while I could write about many different changes, instead I’ll write about one that defied all of my “criteria� for change.

I had been working for a private liberal arts college when I was lured away by the promise of a significant increase in salary (nearly double!) and the chance to formalize the human resource function of a growing company. It was a chance to put my master’s degree into practice and make sure I could provide for my daughter.

Things started out well, but several months into the job, the owner’s volatile temper was erupting more and more frequently. His verbal abuse – which he had kept in check – became more prevalent. As the human resource manager, people brought their complaints to me. I believed I was handling it appropriately, until it started being directed at me!

My migraines increased, as did my digestive problems. But I thought I could tough it out. I’d been a single parent in a new city with a new job. Hard work always brought rewards. The only person I could count on was me. What was so hard about this?

Then one day, the proverbial straw broke the camel’s back. After a particularly vicious verbal attack, I went to my office and closed the door. The owner went to lunch.

With no forethought, no plan in place, I packed up my belongings, left my keys on the owner’s desk, and walked off the job.

This was a pretty big change and one that did not fit the mold for how I made changes. However, I had let myself be beaten down to the point where I didn’t really feel I had a choice. I was a single parent, singly responsible for my own and my daughter’s well-being. I didn’t know where the money for rent was going to come from and I was not even capable of thinking what to do next. I had lost all confidence in my skills and didn’t feel employable. I had lost all control and was totally dependent.

The way I handled this change was to give in to my vulnerability and accept help from others. I got professional counseling. I accepted unemployment and food stamps (after all, I’d paid in to it for years!). A friend needed someone to fill a part-time, temporary HR rep role. A few months later another friend asked if I could step in and teach a class. My now-husband provided me with a “subsidy� till I was able to re-enter the workforce full-time. My parents offered to help out more with daycare, and my landlord was willing to accept less rent.

The upshot was that I realized that I couldn’t plan for and control all change. And that I didn’t need to. Sometimes change comes at us and tests us in ways that we can’t predict. With that can come a new self-awareness. Through this process, I discovered my personal mission. It guides me in a way that I believe has influenced many decisions in my life and has defined my approach to leadership. And while I am still a planner and like to be independent and in control, I am more willing to accept and adapt to changes around me.

Sorry, this is long. However, when you are 40-years-old and you need to write about a life-changing event, it is really difficult to narrow that down. I am in my second marriage (happily this time), raising step-children, working in middle-management for a human services non-profit (increasingly strapped for cash), running a block club, attending school of course, and, until last summer, was very active with the neighborhood community council. Yet, my best example has nothing to do with any of these.

Towards the end of the year in 1992 (don’t do the math, I was 24), I decided I couldn’t continue living with my parents in the Detroit area and working part time jobs completely unrelated to my political science and journalism background. The economy in the Detroit area was much better than it is today, but still lagging behind most of the nation. There were few opportunities for someone with my interests other than volunteering or being paid in table scraps for campaign work.

From December, 1992 to February, 1993 my life underwent the following changes:

~I bought my first “real� car – a ’93 Saturn SL1 with a stick shift. I loved that car.

~The next week, on January 2nd, I threw my few belongings into my car (which had 120 miles on it) and drove from Detroit to Washington, DC.

~I lived for four days with a friend of my sister’s who worked at the Australian Embassy until I found a room for rent at a home on Hildarose Street in Silver Springs, Maryland. My rent was $270/mo! Next, I learned how to use the Metro.

~Through the previous friend, I connected with The Washington Center and volunteered for three weeks to support a student from Iowa who was blind and needed help getting to meetings and events around DC.

~I met my future first wife, who was from Minnesota, at one of these events - a visit to the Whitman-Walker Aids clinic (yes, that’s the truth).

~I was given a pass to attend Bill Clinton’s inauguration and could actually see him – though barely.

~I contacted Sen. Levin’s (D-MI) office and offered to volunteer, I think technically I was an intern though not in school, and worked in the Russell building for about two months doing every imaginable errand.

~Through my relationships at The Washington Center, I interviewed and was hired by the public affairs department of The Smithsonian Associates in February.

I have had plenty of life experiences over which I had no control, but this particular time was one when change was a necessity and I had to force a drastic change.

Now comes the twist. When I turned 35, I seriously started asking the question, “What do I want to be?� This in turn led to the question, “What do I really care about - so much so that even trying and failing at it would be better than not trying at all?� The answer, ironically, was that I needed to go home to Detroit and help the community I left behind when I was 24. It is very difficult to describe in words why I have become so loyal to Detroit after leaving it, yet I bought a Detroit Lions jersey the day after they went 0-16. It’s not about football.

My wife and I have well-laid plans. The kids are all done with high school in 2013. That’s the year we’re waiting for and I’m anxious to bring the Humphrey strategies into that context. I am not hoping but I am presuming that Detroit’s problems will still be there. After all, the riots happened the year before I was born.

I am posting an audio link to WJR radio with an article read by Mitch Albom. Though heavily sports-oriented, as that is Mitch’s main game, he describes the loyalty feeling better than I ever could.

http://wjr.com/article.asp?id=1106110&spid=6526

Caution: This is 25 minutes, but you can also listen to it and multitask!

The biggest change in my adult life has been learning the importance of acceptance. Many others have commented on something similar with themes like learning to be instead of do, learning to accept help from others, letting go of the idea that we can control everything in our lives, and learning the value of living in the moment.

Acceptance for me has mostly meant acceptance of myself, the way I am today whether or not I like it. The thing about having one’s consciousness raised is that it’s almost impossible to then go back to living an unconscious life. What I am talking about is learning to accept that I have strengths and weaknesses and good moods and bad and that it is all of these things that make me who I am. It doesn’t mean I have to like all of these qualities or traits or that I have to be this same way tomorrow. But I need to accept that this is the way I am today.

Just like in public policy or in business it is important to properly identify and define a problem within ourselves. In discussions of the self, it can be difficult and painful to do this. For me it has always been easier to form a sort of “knee jerk� response and jump directly to the solution. Don’t want to dwell too long on my faults. Interestingly, as a business analyst I help organizations “realize� how important problem identification is before implementing a solution(s). Not so easy to do when dealing with my own “issues�.

The value, however, of being introspective and letting myself sit with an identified problem I have is that I can consciously “accept� it before deciding how to “fix it�. Why is this so important? The value for me has been the ability to see what I perceive as a particular failing as perhaps not so black and white. A particular personality trait I consider negative may actually be helpful in another situation. Context matters. Things are usually more complex than they appear. I have learned that when people stop talking about good and bad, black and white, provide “pat� answers to difficult problems, or espouse bumper sticker like slogans to action is where the real work happens. The real work lies in the messiness of the gray and I am learning to accept that this is often difficult and uncomfortable. But for me it is where I choose to live. There is no going back.

As I thought about what I would write for this post, I first thought through the most obvious changes that have happened in my adult life.

Surely, moving 2,000 miles away from my immediate family to the snowy tundra of Minnesota was a pretty big change. (For the record, my family still thinks I'm crazy.)

Perhaps starting a nonprofit gallery was a big change. It definitely has taken up quite a bit of time! However, when looking at the gallery objectively, it seems like starting it was more of a “process� then a single change, and that the process was triggered by something else entirely.

I think there have been so many events in varying scale that it would be hard to pinpoint one event over another to be the biggest “change.� I think the “change� that has had the most significant change on my life wasn't a job, a move or a relationship, but more of a change in how I view my placement in any given situation. Though might sound rather morbid, the most positive significant change I made was when I stopped viewing situations only through the lens of “what I want while I'm here?� to “what happens when I am gone?�

Death wasn't a stranger to my family, but as I aged the reality that one could die at any age became increasingly apparent. I think we all go through the process of losing the immortality we feel when we are young. We stop doing reckless things and start being more careful with our actions. Though I never felt entirely 'immortal,' I can say that I began contemplating my own mortality at a very young age, with increasing urgency as I grew older. “What about when I'm gone� was never a foreign question really, just one that I attended to with increasing practicality over time.

One of the jobs that I had throughout college was working for a small, family run manufacturing company. Though first hired as a temp receptionist, they realized I had a wide variety of computer skills and quickly put me to work in other areas of the company. Over the next few years, a remarkable thing happened: everybody that could got pregnant got pregnant - at least once. (A few became pregnant more than once and no, not all at once.) Over the course of my 6 years with the company, in addition to my own tasks, I covered for anybody who was out on maternity leave. This helped the company by decreasing potential rollover and maintaining some continuity within the office. It helped me tremendously because in a short while, I had learned all of the various aspects of running an office – from accounting, to human resources, to shipping, and more. I was also able to objectively view how all the little components worked together and I did what I could to streamline systems and computerize processes. (A side note: I also never drank the company water, because it did seem at times that pregnancy was contagious, and I wasn't quite ready for that!) Jokes aside, the most important thing I learned from this process was that sometimes it is not only important to a company what one does on the job while one is present, but what happens when that person is gone as well. The view that “I'll/she/they will always be around to take care of it� can be incredibly unrealistic. What will happen when they are gone?

Taking that “what happens when I'm gone� view and applying it to my own life, I made a series of key decisions. First and foremost, I wanted my work efforts to go toward something positive, something I could die and be content with how I spent my time. Since then, I've tried to incorporate this mentality into how I earn a living by considering with what company I work as well as with what tasks I do.

The gallery is an interesting experiment in this regard. Most people begin a company with the end-goal of being self employed or sometimes, getting rich and not being employed at all. Though the possibility of earning a living through the gallery has been brought to the table at times, the overarching, long-term goal is to develop a sustainable organization that remains a resource for the community even when I'm gone. That's not meant to sound entirely morbid. Perhaps I decide to pursue a PhD and need to move on. Perhaps somebody in my family gets very sick and I have to return to California for an extended amount of time. Life is about more than just what is a part of my day-to-day, and if I plan accordingly neither I nor my organization will be entirely overwhelmed if or when life happens.

I hope this post didn't come across as doom and gloom. Most of you know me at least a little bit by now, at least well enough to know that I don't walk around like a nihilist saying “we're all going to die, nothing matters anyway.� I also can't say that I'm entirely consistent with this process, and have had to make compromises along the way in order to work toward broader goals. I share this with you mainly because by and large, I think that changing how I view my role and how it affects others “when I'm gone� has had the positive counter-effect of making better decisions, ones that make me happier “while I'm here.�

Thanks for reading,

-Jamie

A footnote:
My dog however, does not express the same sentiment towards being considerate of others when she is gone. If somebody in the class might be willing to make copies of pages 301-332 of the Leadership Challenge book I would greatly appreciate it - sometimes the “my dog ate my homework� situation really does happen.

I think I would have to say living in Sweden for 6 months was the biggest change that has happened to me in my “adult� life. My sophomore year of college I did a semester abroad in Sweden. I guess going to Sweden was not the “biggest change� for me, but it is what contributed to the “biggest changes� in my adult life.

My time in Sweden contributed to my eventual “coming out� and to my interest in global issues and travel. Although at the time I was still closeted in America, when I was living in Sweden I was able to be “out� with my homosexuality. Overall, the Swedes did not have a problem with LGBT people and it was a very open and accepting environment. It was a totally new experience for me living somewhere that I could walk down the street holding my boyfriends hand and not be in fear of being physically or verbally attacked. The vast acceptance and openness of the general public in Sweden gave me the courage to “come out� and become very active in LGBT rights when I returned to the States. This prompted me to start a Gay Straight Alliance at my university, get involved in political activism, and created many beneficial contacts both at my university and in the community I was living. All of these aspects contributed to change me and lead me to where I am today.

The other aspect of change that living in Sweden created in me was a desire to travel and see the world outside the American lens. Before my time in Sweden I had been to 2 countries, Ecuador and Mexico. Since being in Sweden I have been to 23 countries, with each one changing me more and more. Each new place offers different perspectives, different cultures and traditions, and changes how I view life/the world. The more places I visit the more my passion for human rights and interest in international relations grows. This is one of the main aspects that prompted me to go back to school for my Masters degree, which in itself has been a big change in my life.

Throughout my adult life, I have been through series of dramatic changes -- some, very necessary and inevitable, and others, quite unprecedented. In fact, my entire life has constantly revolved around changes. One of the major changes that has left a lasting effect on me is the loss of my father almost four years ago. He was 83 years old. Prior to his demise, he was taken to a private hospital in my home town by my sister. The idea was that patients in private hospitals were supposed to get more attention from the medical staff than in the public hospitals. Also some private hospitals had more equipments and facilities than public hospitals.
I was in constant communication with both my father and other members of the family for the five days that he was hospitalized. And at each of those conversations, I was always told by everyone, including my dad, that his ailment was not life-threatening. His doctor, even assured me that there was nothing to worry about. My dad was a little exhausted, the doctor would explain, he would therefore keep him in the hospital for a day or two for observation, and then discharge him the next day. This was obviously a reassurance that i needed to hear-- especially from the expert.I was happy that he was recieving an adequate treatment.
I was therefore taken aback when I got that phone call on the fifth day, at 2:30 am (Minnesota tim which is about 9:30 am Nigerian time) from my sister, screaming and shouting that our dad had just passed away. My initial reaction at the break of this news was a constant stare at a blank wall, followed by an immense shock, and my mind totally went blank. The time was 2:30 am, -- still 5-6 hours left for decent sleeping time till the morning . But for me, my morning had arrived 5-6 hours earlier. Sleep had vanished from my system, and now, I had to hold myself together and be prepared to face reality-- reality that my father had just died, and that I would no l;onger be able to talk to him anymore. I then picked up yhe phone, and called my brother who lives about 10 miles away from me. I passed the news to him, and we decided to try to hold on till the morning so that we could meet and plan on the next line of action.
A major issue about the passing of my dad was that at that time, my mother was still visiting with us here in the United States. This situation presented a major problem of how to break this news to her. We had downplayed the condition of my dad's illhealth to her throughout the time that he was in the hospital, and during that period ,she had been talking to him, and he kept telling her not to worry about him because he was really getting better, and that he would be discharged soon. But now, we were faced with telling her this latest development in the morning.
It was not easy to tell a mother that her husband -- our dad, had died. The distance from the United States to Nigeria made it especially extermely difficult to take in this type of news. Now comes the next phase -- all of us would plan to go home for the burial and funeral. For my brother and I, this was a bitter-sweet trip. Bitter because we have lost our dad, our role model, our hero, our leader, one that had provided for us from childhood to our adulthood. The one that made it possible for us to come to the United States to acquire more education in order to improve our lives . But sweet because he lead a decent and examplary life. He was an agent of change, and he touched so many lives while alive. For our mother, well, she would go home and would no longer see her dear husband that had brought her to the airport on her trip to the United States. Well, that's life -- full of unpredectables.

For me the most significant change so far in my life happened about 3 years ago. After living and going to school in Madison for 3 years I decided to leave and come back to Minnesota. I went to college at UW Madison right out of college and while it was a wonderful and fun experience socially, educationally it was a disaster. I was taking all these classes that were required and were very boring and uninspiring to me. All my classes were huge lectures and every class made me miserable. I started doing poorly. So when all my best freinds and roommates that I had made over the last years were going into their senior years of college. I left Madison and moved home to Minnesota. I had already signed a lease in Madison so I had to continue paying rent for a little bit of time even while I was home. I quit my job in Madison. I left my friends and boyfriend in Wisconsin and dropped out of school at UW. I moved in with my parents and started going to school at a much smaller college in St Paul called Metrostate. At Metrostate I had tiny classes and desinged my own degree, so finally, I was taking classes that I liked. I went from living with 5 other friends to living with my parents, I went from being a bartender at a huge college bar to working in a hospital. I went from a constant party in Madison, to hardly ever going out.

So over all it was a very difficult change and decision to make, but I knew that it was the right thing for me to do and I was right. It was so hard to leave my life in Madison behind. I vividly remember going back into town (Madison) for my roomates and friends graduation weekend and we all went out together and just seeing them all get there pictures in their graduation robes was really hard for me. I never would have guessed that I wouldnt be up their with them. But I was able to thrive in my education and career plans and it opened so many doors for me to purpuse my passions. I graduated with flying colors and continued on to grad school, which I never thought I would want because before Metrostate I had always thought that I hated school and just wanted to get it done. But suprise to me, I actually love school when its geared toward my interests. I think that experience made me stronger and also taught me how to brush myself off after a "failure" because sometimes they can be blessings in disguise.

I am always humbled by reading the posts on the blog prior to my own. A quick thank you, to you all, for sharing your experiences with change, many of them gave me a moment to pause and reflect again on changes I have experienced in my own life.

I would like to share three experiences, in brief, that have had a profound affect on my life. Two are directly related to decisions the last is a decision connected to an epiphany:

Decision 1 - I chose to serve a two year mission for my church. This was a wonderful opportunity for a nineteen year old to leave home, family and friends to meet thousands of strangers, make hundreds of new friends, serve in many communities, and be a witness to deep and meaningful change in many other people's lives.

Decision 2 - I met and married my wife Roxane and we have three wonderful children. This blog is not long enough to go into the details of how much, and how deeply, these four people and our shared experiences have impacted my life.

Epiphany 1 and Decision 3 - About four years ago, I experienced an epiphany; policy drives everything. This may sound simple to state, and it is, but its meaning is more deep and profound. Policies are developed at each level of our lives, from our home to the businesses we patronize, from the neighborhood to the community, city, state, nation and world in which we live. Some of the policy is more private, such as in our home, other policies are public and impact the lives of many other people.

When I experienced this epiphany it came as a result of my having run into the business end of public policy for many years. Some of my experiences were fine and were not at all painful, on the other end of the spectrum some of my experiences with public policy were extremely painful and costly. It was during one of these more costly and frustrating times that it came to me that I no longer wanted to be a passive recipient of public policy, I wanted to participate in the creation of public policy.

As I began this journey, I came to better understand that I did not desire to necessarily hold an elected office to create public policy. In fact, I had my suspicions that this was not the only route to affecting societal change, and creating public policy. I also realized that I was less concerned about developing policy for a particular issue, as I was passionate about the creation and development of public policy itself. As a good friend said to me, "I feel there are only two kinds of public policy, good public policy, and bad public policy that makes us feel good."

My epiphany led me to a decision to participate in the development of public policy; to pursue career and educational goals that would allow me to do just that and to pursue "good" public policy, whatever that may entail.

It has been difficult for me to pinpoint a single event in my adult life that constitutes the “biggest change.� While there have been many dramatic turning points triggered by both joyful and sad events, somehow these do come to top of mind when I think about life changes.

Instead, I think of the biggest change in my life as the result of a process (to borrow Jaime’s language). Granted, the process was triggered by a series of small events, but it seems the timing of the events and my state of mind at the time had as much to do with the change as the events themselves.

Late in the summer of 2004 I was on the verge of quitting of my job. I was working a countless hours, under a great deal of stress, for leaders who had no appreciation for the expertise I was contributing. It seemed that there was a day in my near future when I would just walk out of the building and never return. Because I am very deliberative person, to prepare for what might have been several months of a job-free, health-insurance free life, I scheduled appointments at the dentist and the eye doctor. Both of these visits revealed minor issues with my health that seemed largely stress-induced. These were not immediately life-threatening issues, but the sort of things that cause you to wake up dead at 50 if you ignore them.

As all of these things came into focus over several weeks, I realized that I one quick remedy would be to walk away from my job. However, that seemed like a temporary fix. I would eventually end up in another job, and I was just as likely to let work take over my life there. It occurred to me that this change needed to happened within me, or I was not likely to get the result I needed.

After some self-reflection, I came to terms with my contribution to the stress I was feeling. I tried hard to determine which factors of the situation I could control, and I took responsibility for those factors. I realized that I was letting things “happen to me�, instead of playing an active role in my life. I tried to figure out what I was hoping to gain from my work, and who I wanted to be - at work and beyond.
All of this led me to some tangible changes that remain -- for the most part -- a part of the way I live my life today. I am more purposeful in how I choose to spend my time. I live a far more balanced life, and make it a priority to toil away at non-work interests. I am a far healthier person, both physically and emotionally. I still have my job (pending near-term restructuring) and have not seen my career suffer at all because of the choices I have made. In fact, I would argue that I am much better employee now than I was then.

Since I can remember change has been a constant part of my life, such a part that change became the norm. Since enlisting in the Army at 17 my life has been a constant battle with adapting to new environments. Even though I lived near Seattle for five years at Fort Lewis, WA I deployed three times in four and a half years. I never allowed myself to get too attached to one place since the next trip somewhere new was right around the coroner. The saying goes “be flexible like Gumby� and I lived that metaphor to the fullest. Until I moved to the cities a year ago, the longest I had spent in one place since college for a consistent period of time was living overseas for 12 months.

The big change for me is finally gaining some stability in my life, knowing that I will be here at least for a little while. That change hasn’t exactly gone as well as expected. The feeling of restlessness is present; the sense that I should be somewhere else occasionally sets in. But that is followed shortly after by the acknowledgement that stability is a great thing as well. Long range planning on the personal level is no longer a month or two but I can now plan things 6 to 12 months in advance. I just unpacked the last box that was still packed from a previous move. But the change has also pushed me to experience many of the things that I didn’t have the chance to do before because of where I was or where I was getting ready to go. The “change� from constant change to consistency is still ongoing and I am relearning how to do things every day.

I have been contemplating this question for the past three days (it's a tough question). I have read all of the previous blogs and along with Lindy I ask myself, "when did I become an adult?" The changes in my life seem to get bigger as my age increases. I got married at the age of 21 and that was a huge change; I began college at the age of 23 and that was a huge change; I entered the work force at the age of 27 another huge change; the point is every change is huge for me at every age. I know these changes seem so vanilla, but for me they were anything but vanilla.

Perhaps the biggest change that has happened to me in the past three years was when I had to come up with a new profession to pursue. I was a funeral director working in a Minneapolis funeral home for 10 years when the firm I was working for decided to sell the business. I was out of work and decided to go back to school. Ten months later I quit school because I noticed an opening for a teaching position in the Program of Mortuary Science at the U of M so I applied for it and got the job. I have been teaching ever since.

What makes this change so non-vanilla is that I am an introvert. I never liked getting up in front of people to give a speech or presentation; I have a stutter and it always came out loud and clear to groups of people, large or small. I didn't talk much in school and even with my friends I am more of a listener than a talker. My feelings of being comfortable in my own shoes are virtually nil. So why I applied for this teaching position is still a mystery to me.

Before becoming an instructor I worked quietly by myself at the funeral home. My specialty was preparing the deceased for their visitation and funeral. I loved my job. I didn't need to talk much, I worked at my own pace while still meeting deadlines, but I did not have anyone breathing down my neck telling me to work faster and harder. This job change going from being a quiet funeral director to a college instructor was the most un-vanilla and the most difficult change I ever have gone through. I look back at all of the other changes that have happened to me, and they were all huge, but this change has so far topped them all. The last three years have not been easy I still have a speech impediment, and I still would rather be the listener than the talker, but I must say that I have definitely become more comfortable in my own shoes since I've been teaching. Life changes are not always easy, but for me they have definitely made me stronger.

Biggest change as an adult?

For me, I think, it is realizing that 18-year-old ‘Peju would be perplexed by the 27-year-old ‘Peju. This is because when I was 18, the life I thought I wanted to live, would be living is totally different from the life I lead now. What do you mean by this—you may ask. Well, I graduated with an Individualized undergraduate degree in Advertising, Economics, and Marketing—I also had a minor in New Media Studies. I wanted to be an Advertising Executive, wielding my wand of power and influence to make people enjoy advertising and commercials. I wanted to be the facilitator of warm-fuzzies. Think about your favorite commercial, it rouses a smile or tear, I wanted to help make that happen—and of course making the sale! To be this executive I had to also attend law school, because all my research showed most executives with a legal degree. At the very least I would be an entertainment lawyer.

The change happened when the door on law school closed on me. And I felt the need to figure out something else, and fast. Fast because my Nigerian heritage demands I do more than just having an undergraduate degree and getting a job. Both my parents have these—and my Dad a graduate degree—so the minimum expectation was a Masters.

I dealt with the challenge of no longer being the high-powered attorney by exploring what was available to me. To that end, I enrolled in the MLS program, with a determination to make my degree relevant to a possible career in diplomacy and international relations. I have had to continually counter the notion that I am a loser because I didn’t go to Law School. One would say I had to innovate and redefine life for 'Peju. My mantra: enjoy where you are on the way to where you are going (Joyce Meyer) is what keeps me focused in my current state of fluidity.

Today, I work fulltime in my assigned title of Associate Editor, and I am getting a graduate degree with a research focus on Restorative Justice and Human Rights. And I have to admit, it is exciting—thanks in part to a network of professional, academic and social contacts.

Sometimes, I think to myself, I should be in L.A.—or somewhere other than Minnesota—doing something with entertainment or media, and trying to make a lot of money! However, these days, my conversations are littered with who is suffering and why they are in such situations, how can we rid the world of strife. Not that I’m nice person or anything, I think I see things differently now. This change made me think: what can I do that is worthwhile and respectable—with some passion. And you know, I think I can still help people have those warm-fuzzies too! It comes full circle when friends and people around you start to refer to you as being a certain way, and you think: wait a minute, am I really that bad? And the answer is yes, I am probably that bad. I am a self-processed Public Radio junkie who watches way, way less television than some ten years earlier.

In conclusion, for I must conclude, I think of this change as a way of creating “new wealth� for myself and others around me. I have a better perspective on life due to the unexpected path that not going to law school has brought me. I feel that there has been a better “convergence of living, working, [and] learning� and some 3-5 years from now I won’t look back and wonder in sadness.

The biggest change that I have experienced as an “adult� is probably leaving home to go to college here at the University of Minnesota. Change hasn't been a huge aspect of my life, ever. There are certainly experiences that have shaped my personal growth over the past five years, but probably none as much as leaving home for college.

I responded to this blog assignment with some hesitation because I don’t feel that I’m in a position to describe a great change, as I just recently completed my undergraduate degree last May and came straight to the Humphrey Institute from there. I’m 22 years old and I have lived within a 1-2mile radius for the past five years (with lots of roommates), and have never held a full-time job (summers don’t count). I actually feel that a big change is on the horizon for me and will take place in a few months when I officially end my career as a competitive athlete. I’m just now starting to brace myself for how that will feel.

Essentially, I feel that since becoming an adult (that is, turning 18 years old, if you’ll take that definition), my life has actually been fairly static. Coming to graduate school straight from undergraduate created some changes in my life this past fall, mainly academically and professionally, but I still live with the same roommates from the past couple of years and still engage in similar day-to-day activities. This is my fifth-year living, studying, and competing at the U, and the change that has most shaped my adult-life is the path that led me here.

As I am from a smaller town in west central MN, the blueprint for college choices mainly takes you to the Fargo-Moorhead area. My older brother went to Concordia College in Moorhead and my parents to UND in Grand Forks, so my initial interest in Minnesota itself was somewhat unprecedented. I was recruited to run on the women’s cross country and track teams as a walk-on student-athlete, which sparked my first inclination toward becoming a student here. After narrowing down my selections I realized that none of my other choices would be able to offer me the winning combination of being somewhat near to family and my hometown, being part of an amazingly diverse and interesting campus environment, as well as affording me an opportunity to compete at a high level and pursue a collegiate athletic career. Coming here was a big change at first, but after my first year I realized that I was surely in the right place and it has felt more and more like home ever since.

I loved being a Gopher from the minute I set foot on campus and I don’t regret my decision in any way. Even though I lost contact with a lot of hometown friends whose aspirations led them in different directions, I gained a whole new perspective on urban life, diversity (in so many ways), and the confidence that I can, indeed, navigate a campus about 10-15x larger than the city I was born & raised in. By stepping outside the norm in my college choice, I feel much more confident in taking on new experiences/opportunities/places/etc. I’m sure that the next couple of years will provide me with lots of opportunities to help me grow into my new adult skin.

It is hard to pick one change in life that has been the biggest, especially when the changes can end up flowing into each other. I think the biggest change for me recently was when I decided not to pursue nursing school. At the time I had been actively involved in volunteering in medical settings, had received my nursing assistant certification, and had transferred to the U of M for the nursing program. A week before school started I was told I did not make it into the program. I continued to pursue my goal of nursing by taking more courses required for other programs, and applying to the post-baccalaureate nursing program at the U of M. Halfway through my semester I was told by the school that I would not have my political science degree earlier to apply for the program, since you need another degree to apply.

This was all very frustrating to me because I had worked very hard, and would be completing undergraduate in three years instead of four. I decided then that I would continue to complete courses necessary for other programs, but my focus would be graduating that Spring, and completing my political science degree a year early.

The shift mentally was challenging, because I had always thought I would go into nursing and use my political science degree as I went along in life. When I made the change, I realized my job security was not there, but at the same time the opportunities were endless, because I did not have to attend three more years of nursing school.

I finished up school, went to the Minnesota Conservation Corps to work as a Wilderness Crew Leader with 15-18 year old youth, and planned a trip with my boyfriend and sister to live and work on an organic farm in South America for 3 1/2 months. I could not believe how much freedom I had to choose what I could do in life. It was intimidating, but very exciting. The trip to South America was also a big change. I learned a lot about myself as we lived with several families, learned about farming, and made decisions as they arose, rather than planning everything out. My boyfriend and sister are people who kind of "go as the wind blows," which I really admire and want to be more like. Being in South America and not pursuing nursing helped me to become more like that, because things were constantly changing. We would get on a bus, and figure out what our plans were once we arrived somewhere. This allowed me to have some pretty amazing experiences, that would not have been possibly if I had not been open to the adventures on our journey over that time. I can say I went to Bolivia, fell off a horse, helped build a peace and healing center in the Andes Mountains, hiked Patagonia, discovered a beautiful island not frequently visited by tourists and as a result ended up on a TV special, and met amazing people.

After returning from South America, I discovered it was much more challenging to find a job with a liberal arts degree. However, I continued to focus on trying to find something I enjoyed, and ended up working for the Minnesota Conservation Corps full time. I am very happy with the direction of life since the change from nursing, and I am excited to see where the wind blows next. I am pursuing my certification in nonprofit management, and I hope I can soon head off on another adventure, and continue working in nonprofits.

My biggest change occurred in December of 2000 - and it is intensely personal. The critical juncture happened when I received a phone call from my Aunt, telling me that my Dad, whom had not spoken to me for over ten years, was dying from lung cancer and was critically ill. She asked if I would be willing to call him.

Within the next few seconds, my mind was flooded with memories of how hard I had tried to communicate with my Father over recent years. He was not interested in me. I remembered the letter I had written him a year earlier. I had told him I loved him and requested his forgiveness for any harm I may have caused him. I asked him to contact me. He never did. Within those few seconds on the phone with my Aunt, I recalled how I had put my heart on the line so many times, only to have it broken by him. As a believer of God I wondered how it could be that I was living a life filled with such pain.

I told my Aunt I would need time to think about whether or not I would see my Father. That night I turned to what I knew best – God. I lay in bed, closed my eyes and started to pray. I believe I was nearly asleep when He appeared – a vision of Christ. He was on the Cross and said, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do� (Luke 23:34).

It was then that I experienced what some call a nap jerk and opened my eyes. An overwhelming feeling of peace washed over me.

I made the choice to go see my Father. Through the vision, God was telling me that the decision I needed to make was not about me. The Holy Spirit was within me and now it was time to live out Jesus’ principles that had been the bedrock of my life. It was time for me to be “merciful, peaceful and pure of heart�.

The next morning I went to see my Dad. It was a Thursday. I took him to the hospital and spent every moment of the next five days with him. My Father was dying of lung cancer – literally drowning from the fluid which was filling his lungs.

For the first couple of days, we talked, we forgave and we loved. But, by day three and four, not even the morphine was helping him. He was suffocating, tearing off his clothes and gasping for air. All I could do was comfort him and pray for him. I called his Pastor to read him his last rites and anoint his body.

Early on Monday morning, the nurses planned to give my Father a sponge bath to cool his clammy body. They encouraged me to leave for fifteen minutes – to take time to recoup. I found myself driving to my Dad’s apartment. I walked into his bedroom – my eyes swept the room. I was amazed by what I saw: pictures of me, blood on his pillow, Korean War memorabilia and his briefcase open on his dresser. Inside the briefcase I found important documents, paid bills, bank statements and, propped up on top of it all, was my letter.

My cell phone rang. It was the hospital. My Father had just passed away. I dropped to my knees and started to cry. But, I felt more than sorrow. I felt thankful because God had given us the chance to talk, forgive and love.
Had it not been for my Mother who had groomed my faith and had I not experienced the epiphany of Christ on the Cross to understand the power of forgiveness, my heart would still be broken. Despite my loss, I felt powerful in having experienced such closure.

What’s the biggest change that has happened to you as an adult? Describe it and talk about how you’ve responded to it.

My biggest change in my adult years was my choice to take a job at my current company. I worked as an editorial assistant for a book publishing company for nine months before I decided to find a more secure position. As a college student, I thought a job in book publishing was ideal. I was an English major with a technical writing minor and I had several book publishing, writing and editing classes under my belt. However, the job was not what I expected—the pay was so low that I needed a part-time job to eat and pay my rent. Living on a shoe string had seemed like an adventure to me until it became my daily life. I didn’t want to eat Spaghetti-Os and bologna for the rest of my working life and I feared becoming a Wal-mart greeter in my “retirement� years. For me, “selling out� had never looked so good.

Now, eight years later, I can honestly say that I have no regrets. I have held four positions in three different departments during my eight years at my current company. Although my company does have its own unique set of challenges, it is a great company to work for. Its employees are passionate about the work we do and the successes we share. In fact, I have met some of my very best friends through my job and even met my soon-to-be husband through a friend at work. The culture at my company is one of teamwork and a feel of family. I have been proud to make contributions to this company for the past eight years. I believe in what we do and I enjoy the people I work with, which have led me to stay with this company for so long. My company has shaped my life—not because of the work I do there, but due to the lasting friendships and meaningful relationships I have made.

So many experiences have shaped the adult I’ve become – marriage, four children, career choice and mid-career change. But one of the biggest changes that have happened to me as an adult was finding my birth mother at age 33. I always knew I would look someday. My adopted mother (hereafter referred to only as my mom) was adopted herself and the search for her birth parents took several years. It was a long and painful journey for her, but she always encouraged me to do it as well. There was a sense of closure for her – just in the knowing. I believe she wanted that for me too. When I began my own search, my mom was in a nursing home with dementia – she would pass away before knowing that I did find my birth mother. And she would pass without my being able to seek comfort from her with my own painful journey. The search was extremely easy, but it was in the being found that it became hard. It is in the relationship that continues to transpire since the day the social worker called with my birth mom’s personal information that has been the most painful.

My husband was very encouraging and supportive. His family history can be retraced back hundreds of years. Family is important and knowing your ancestors and of where you come from gives strength and direction; it is a foundational piece of life he wanted me to have. I get that and I respect that profound connection he has. I agreed to find her, but probably because my mom had already given her blessing about it. My childhood wasn’t a fairy tale, but my family and sense of who I am had already come from somewhere, even if it wasn’t blood. I was curious sure – I had daydreamed about her many times, especially during the rebellion of adolescence. Was she famous, rich, a spy, or a regular person with a horrible tale about how I came to be? In my adult mind I was absolutely sure I would be able to handle whatever I discovered about her, who she was now, who she was then, the choice to give birth out of wedlock and of course the fateful decision to surrender me immediately in the hospital.

For the first few years of knowing each other, I felt like such a little child seeking the attention of a distracted parent. I over analyzed everything she did or did not do. She is a happy and decent regular person; good job, nice house, children and grandchildren whom she adores. My siblings are 8 and 10 years younger than I am. I was raised the baby in my family and now I had younger sisters. That felt strange. She told me that she had kept my birth father’s true identity from her family because he was a different race. She told me that her sister was her best friend, but she would not tell her I had returned to her life. I was allowed to meet my half siblings, but then she did small things to keep us apart. And my children are not acknowledged publically as her grand children, although she does send them birthday and Christmas gifts.

There is a relationship there but I believe issues of race, shame, and guilt make it too difficult for my birth mom and me to have a solid relationship. In spite of physical resemblances (and there is a sense of closure in just knowing that), our differences are many. The change for me came from a true sense of self acceptance – something I already thought I had. Meeting my birth mom challenged what I thought I believed about myself and who I was. It was difficult for me to accept who she is too in the beginning and what our relationship is. It challenged and strengthened my definition of family in ways I could never have imagined.