June 9, 2005
The End is Near...
O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done,
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won,
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring;
But O heart! heart! heart!
O the bleeding drops of red!
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills,
For you bouquets and ribbon'd wreaths—for you the shores crowding,
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here, Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head!
It is some dream that on the deck
You've fallen cold and dead.
My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still,
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor'd safe and sound, its voyage closed and done,
From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores! and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
- Walt Whitman
A new study done by scientists has shown that scientists are somewhat more lax than once thought. In a move worthy of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the science community has created a full circular structure. The author commented, "It is interesting to see this sequence happening yet again. But it was indeed destined to happen again. Well, maybe not exactly again so much as happen in the same way as is happened before.". Analysts are still trying to determine the meaning behind Marquez's cryptic comment.
Brian C. Martinson of HealthPartners Research Foundation believes that changes need to be made. He said, "Science needs to move on to new an more accurate methods. We can't just throw a bunch of monkies in a room and hope to get results anymore. From now on, are testing will be done entirely on human subjects.". A poll conducted by the group found that many scientists agree with Martinson's statement.
Who knows, maybe science is worth sacrificing.
New Klingon Weapon Found
Distarous news has been delivered today as NASA scientists have discovered a Klingon "frost ray" on Saturn's moon Titan. This is being seen as a large setback in the continuing attempts to push back the Klingon invaders. A NASA spokesman commented, "We don't know what to do about this new threat, it is like nothing that we have ever seen before. We must collect as much data as possible so that we can protect against this new weapon.". He went on to say, "We expect the weapon to be in range of the earth within the year.".
Lieutenant General Larry J. Dodgen, commander of the United States Space and Missile defense command said, "We are going to create a nuclear winter on Titan. Well... maybe not so much a winter as an uber-winter. In any case, we will make sure that those Klingon bastards feel the hurt.".
The Pipeline will bring you continuing updates on the Solar-Klingon war.
It still amuses me that the United States Military actually has a space command. Even though it currently is mostly responsible for monitoring satellites and similar activities, they are also responsible for making strategies and plans if there were to ever be a war in space.
The New Man
The new man is moving on in, and that man is the metrosexual. According to a research group, the modern man is not afraid to wear pink or otherwise "be himself". Pierre Francois Le, managing director of Nelly Rodi said, "The days of rambo and the terminator are dying. We are now seeing a sensitive and creative male ideal that is shaping the way we live.". We at The Pipeline are certain that fashion designers, magazines and other corporate entities are more than happy to make sure that this is true.
Meanwhile, now governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his distaste of this growing trend clear. He said in a press conference on Wednesday, "We are starting to let sissy men rule this country. We need more men that like cigars and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages. Give me an M60 so I can get to work on these assholes!".
I was scared when I thought of Schwarzenegger actually saying that. It is closer to reality than I thought possible when I originally wrote it.
We will not be stopped!
San Francisco, California
Shortly after the federal government passed a law allowing federal authorities to prosecute users of medicinal marijuana, user of the drug have declared that they will not stop using anytime soon. Kevin Reed, the president of The Green Cross has said, "We will not take this one lying down. It is our right to go into a self-induced high and to not know what the fuck is going on. Moreover, we shall not stop using marijuana to alleviate nausea and pain.".
Javier Pena, special agent in charge of the San Francisco FBI office is not happy with the declaration of the potheads. He commented, "The federal goverment is not going to stand by and let these damn hippies destroy our society. We are going to do everything in our power to enforce drug laws and we are prepared to arrest any user.".
We're ready to head for the hills.
Hot New Product
Investigators have found what they are calling a “private morgue”. The home in Moscow that has garnered this title contained the corpses of four people from the same family that were born in three separate generations. A representative from the Moscow Police Department said, “This is a rather unusual case and we are not entirely sure what to do. More importantly, we must find a way to settle the debts that the family has incurred while being dead. We have been talking with divine officials to arrange payments for the landlord.”.
Meanwhile, a veritable orgy of “do it yourself home morgues” have been popping up in stores and markets across Moscow. Many of the kits including embalming fluid, cremators and other supplies to dispose of or otherwise deal with a corpse. A home morgue vendor was kind enough to comment saying, “Home morgues and burials are the hot new thing. People these days simply can’t afford bigger funeral services and are searching for cheaper options. Compared to funeral homes, home morgue kits can be up to ten times cheaper!”. We can’t wait to get ours…
Israel’s only Olympic champion has gotten “totally owned” according to thieves who stole the gold and bronze medals which Gal Fridman had won. One of the thieves commented, “Ha! We just totally owned an Olympian! What is he going to do now? Windsurf us to death!?! This is one of the funniest things I have ever done and there is no way he is getting the medals back.”.
Meanwhile, Fridman pleaded on television with the thieves to give the medals back. He said, “To the thieves who stole my medals, I implore you to give them back. I need my precious. So niiiiccceee and shhhhinnnnyyy and pretttttttyyy. Yeeesssss, my preciiiioooouusss.”. The world seems to have taken on a strange movie-like quality that is unfortunately seen once and awhile. Meanwhile, the fate of the medals remains to be seen.
Advancement thrown out...
The United States constitution is bleeding today after the Tulsa Park and Recreation Board approved a creationist exhibit at the Tulsa Zoo. The constitution has said, “How can the people do this to me? Does no one understand the separation of church and state? Don’t you love me?”. The exhibit is said to be fair because of a statue depicting the Hindu god Ganesh and a marble globe saying, “The earth is our mother. The sky is our father.”.
An anonymous clergyman from Tulsa has called the act a move a fairness. He commented saying, “You can’t just go around promoting one religion. Never mind that there aren’t many Hindus or Native Americans in the United States. God needs a place in a world where morals are dying. He can’t just be shut out.”. Meanwhile, the cultural aspects of both displays have been left to rot in the sun.
This attack closely follow one made by President Bush and it is difficult to determine what kind of state the constitution is in.
Oh the Irony
Members of the militant group Islamic Jihad have joined one of the world’s growing crazes: camera phones. An anonymous source from within Islamic Jihad said, “Camera phones are revolutionizing the way that we are able to fight the infidels. We are now able to show desecrated copies of the Quaran and other evils that the west is guilty of.”.
Meanwhile, Israeli officials are furious that detained prisoners were for some reason allowed to have cell phones. Prime Minister Ariel Sharon commented, “How is it possible that people detained and suspected of terrorism were allowed to keep cell phones? It makes no sense. I suppose you could say that our security forces are ‘asleep at the wheel’.”.
Despite Israel’s reservations, American companies are ecstatic that are beginning to reach new and more diverse markets. Verizon Wireless recently made a public statement saying, “We are happy that Verizon Wireless service is now being used throughout the world by many diverse groups of people. We are further happy to say that even Islamic militants use our cell phones!”.
Taxi drives clients to United States
Cuban refugees were caught fleeing the country for the United States in an amphibious ’49 Mercury taxi. The Cubans in the taxi said that they had simply paid a fair for the taxi and had no idea where they were going. Rafael Diaz, a “client” of the taxi said, “I was just taking the taxi to go and watch a movie when suddenly, the taxi drives right into the water! I wasn’t really sure what to do in that kind of situation.”.
Representatives for the Coast Guard were skeptical about the story of the “clients”. Coast Guard Captain Phil Heyl commented saying, “Those damn Cubans are liars. Castro attempts an invasion of the United States and all we do is send these people back. Nonetheless, the Coast Guard will do all that is can to protect American shores”.