May 31, 2005
European Union changes name to "European Empire"
In a stunning move, the president of the European Parliment Josep Borrel Fontelles has announced that the European Union shall now be referred to as the European Empire. Mr. Fontelles declared, "From this day forward, there shall no longer be a union but an empire! I, Fontelles I shall preside over my empire with an iron fist so that peace, justice and freedom may prevail on the European continent!". Needless to say, many Europeans are stunned by this announcement.
Achille de Lecheilles, a French citizen, said that, "This is outrageous! Our people turn down a European Union consitution and now we have an empire on our hands! Who does this guy think he is?". Fontelles I responded by saying, "I am Fontelles I you silly serf. Get back to work or I'll have you flogged!".
With the European Empire on the way, maybe the continent will be made worth something.
Posted by cunni161 at 3:22 PM
Deep Throat not so deep anymore...
New York, New York
Vanity Fair has reported that W. Mark Felt former FBI associate director is indeed the famed Deep Throat that leaked data regarding the Watergate Scandal of the 1970s. Felt commented, "It is time to end all of this deep throat bullshit! There isn't anything even deep about it!". The Pipeline is still at a loss as to what exactly Felt was attempting to say.
In related news, many people seem to be ecstatic that Deep Throat has finally been revealed. Mark Oliver, a reporter for The Guardian Unlimited in the UK remarked, "I was very excited that Deep Throat decided to reveal himself. Hell, many people don't really even understand the nature of Deep Throat. What seems in many ways ridiculous is also a very satisfying and spiritual experience.". This reporter feels that Mr. Oliver may be a bit confused.
Is Felt Deep Throat? Maybe someone should ask Harry Reems it.
Posted by cunni161 at 2:39 PM
May 26, 2005
Why lions are called 'King of the Jungle'
Kâmpóng Chhnãng, Cambodia
The Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against a lion, and the lion took it to them. In only twelve minutes, the lion managed to kill 28 of the fighters and seriously injure the remaining 14. For the low in this ridiculous and insutling reporting, midget... it's what's for dinner.
After the fight the lion commented, "I really took the hard fight to them. I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee." Yang Sihamoni, president of the league also commented, "How can one lion take down 42 people!?! I didn't even realize how powerful a lion could be.". Sihamoni must clearly realize the power of the king of the jungle now and he also must realize the price...
Posted by cunni161 at 2:28 PM
May 25, 2005
Voyager I well on it's way to gauging the Klingon threat
The NASA probe Voyager I has reached the heliosheath, a region in which the influence of the solar winds and the sun's gravitational field lessens.What does this mean? Voyager I will soon be traveling into interstellar space.... A NASA spokesman commented, "We can now find out what interstaller space actually holds.".
"I'll tell you what it holds, a bunch of damn dirty klingons!" remarked Lieutenant General Larry J. Dodgen, commander of the United States Space and Missile defense command. He continued saying, "We will now have the capabilities to get initial intelligence on the Klingon starfleet and worlds occupied by Klingon forces.". When asked what would happen in the event of a hardware failure on the Voyager I General Dodgen responded with the following, "In that case the earth may be in danger of a surprise attack by Klingon Vor'cha class starships.".
It seems that NASA may have to find out what space holds by picking up the scraps of dead Klingons and their starships.
Posted by cunni161 at 4:15 PM
Mass Hysteria Reigns in Washington
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the OK for the United States air force to shoot down a plane that had wandered into restricted airspace several weeks ago. Secretary Rumsfeld said, "A Cessna 152 is a dangerous weapon of war that should not be underestimated." Meanwhile, planes with giant passenger capacities and large fuel loads are apparentley being left alone.
Rumsfeld further commented, "That man [pilot Hayden Sheaffer] was out to kill honest American politicians. I couldn't agree more with the FAA's decision to suspend his license." Rumsfeld followed up his comment by saying, "Thankfully this was a known known allowing the military and other security forces to avoid any confusion.".
Apparentley Rumsfeld and the military aren't even on the same page because the military, "never considered [it] to be a threat." So much for a sensible reaction.
Posted by cunni161 at 3:21 AM
May 24, 2005
Stem Cells Rejoice!
Stem cells around the country today are rejoicing thanks to a recent statement by president George W. Bush stating that a bill intended to expand stem cell research would cross,"a critical ethical line". Bush commented, "We can not go around and just start experimenting on cute little stem cells. It's like gutting a Teddy Bear or hunting My Little Pony, it just shouldn't be done."
An embryonic stem cell who wished to rename anonymous commented, "This is indeed a great day for all embryonic stem cells. We will no longer have to fear our blank state being used to create other cells.". It is possible that the bill may not even pass the house but stem cells are optimistic that if it does, President Bush will veto the bill.
However, there are others which feel that the stem cells and President Bush are crazy. Former First Lady Nancy Reagan attacked Bush saying, "That man is out of his damn mind. Stem cells aren't even alive! How are those stem cells even talking!?!". Bush has more opponents who claim he doesn't even know the definition of moral. Representative Charles Bass, R-New Hampshire commented, "Has that man ever even looked in a dictionary? We are supposed to have seperation between church and state but here we have our president deciding what is right and wrong based on moral grounds."
For now it appears that the house of congress and white house are split on the decision. The bill will be up for vote around 5 PM EDT on Tuesday.
Posted by cunni161 at 2:49 PM
Hello and welcome to my weblog (blog), The World's Foremost Defamation Pipeline. Just a few things regarding this weblog.
The title was inspired by the ever witty and intelligent journalist Bill O'Reilly. Bill puts it quite succinctly,"So you've got a defamation pipeline right into Middle America." The transcript of the particular show is avaibable here.
This blog is intended to satirize and critically comment on any media or news story which I find interesting. It will be an attempt to project my experience onto current events, hopefully in a way that is entertaining to people. Although some may find what I write insulting, it is not intended to be so. Instead, I hope to shed a little light on the goings on in the world.
That's it for now,
Posted by cunni161 at 2:10 PM