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June 9, 2005


scientist.jpgWashington D.C.
A new study done by scientists has shown that scientists are somewhat more lax than once thought. In a move worthy of Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the science community has created a full circular structure. The author commented, "It is interesting to see this sequence happening yet again. But it was indeed destined to happen again. Well, maybe not exactly again so much as happen in the same way as is happened before.". Analysts are still trying to determine the meaning behind Marquez's cryptic comment.

Brian C. Martinson of HealthPartners Research Foundation believes that changes need to be made. He said, "Science needs to move on to new an more accurate methods. We can't just throw a bunch of monkies in a room and hope to get results anymore. From now on, are testing will be done entirely on human subjects.". A poll conducted by the group found that many scientists agree with Martinson's statement.

Who knows, maybe science is worth sacrificing.


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New Klingon Weapon Found

ice.gifHouston, Texas
Distarous news has been delivered today as NASA scientists have discovered a Klingon "frost ray" on Saturn's moon Titan. This is being seen as a large setback in the continuing attempts to push back the Klingon invaders. A NASA spokesman commented, "We don't know what to do about this new threat, it is like nothing that we have ever seen before. We must collect as much data as possible so that we can protect against this new weapon.". He went on to say, "We expect the weapon to be in range of the earth within the year.".

Lieutenant General Larry J. Dodgen, commander of the United States Space and Missile defense command said, "We are going to create a nuclear winter on Titan. Well... maybe not so much a winter as an uber-winter. In any case, we will make sure that those Klingon bastards feel the hurt.".

The Pipeline will bring you continuing updates on the Solar-Klingon war.

It still amuses me that the United States Military actually has a space command. Even though it currently is mostly responsible for monitoring satellites and similar activities, they are also responsible for making strategies and plans if there were to ever be a war in space.


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The New Man

Paris, France
The new man is moving on in, and that man is the metrosexual. According to a research group, the modern man is not afraid to wear pink or otherwise "be himself". Pierre Francois Le, managing director of Nelly Rodi said, "The days of rambo and the terminator are dying. We are now seeing a sensitive and creative male ideal that is shaping the way we live.". We at The Pipeline are certain that fashion designers, magazines and other corporate entities are more than happy to make sure that this is true.

Meanwhile, now governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger has made his distaste of this growing trend clear. He said in a press conference on Wednesday, "We are starting to let sissy men rule this country. We need more men that like cigars and drink large quantities of alcoholic beverages. Give me an M60 so I can get to work on these assholes!".

I was scared when I thought of Schwarzenegger actually saying that. It is closer to reality than I thought possible when I originally wrote it.


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We will not be stopped!

marijuana.GIFSan Francisco, California
Shortly after the federal government passed a law allowing federal authorities to prosecute users of medicinal marijuana, user of the drug have declared that they will not stop using anytime soon. Kevin Reed, the president of The Green Cross has said, "We will not take this one lying down. It is our right to go into a self-induced high and to not know what the fuck is going on. Moreover, we shall not stop using marijuana to alleviate nausea and pain.".

Javier Pena, special agent in charge of the San Francisco FBI office is not happy with the declaration of the potheads. He commented, "The federal goverment is not going to stand by and let these damn hippies destroy our society. We are going to do everything in our power to enforce drug laws and we are prepared to arrest any user.".

We're ready to head for the hills.


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Hot New Product

morgue.jpgMoscow, Russia
Investigators have found what they are calling a “private morgue”. The home in Moscow that has garnered this title contained the corpses of four people from the same family that were born in three separate generations. A representative from the Moscow Police Department said, “This is a rather unusual case and we are not entirely sure what to do. More importantly, we must find a way to settle the debts that the family has incurred while being dead. We have been talking with divine officials to arrange payments for the landlord.”.

Meanwhile, a veritable orgy of “do it yourself home morgues” have been popping up in stores and markets across Moscow. Many of the kits including embalming fluid, cremators and other supplies to dispose of or otherwise deal with a corpse. A home morgue vendor was kind enough to comment saying, “Home morgues and burials are the hot new thing. People these days simply can’t afford bigger funeral services and are searching for cheaper options. Compared to funeral homes, home morgue kits can be up to ten times cheaper!”. We can’t wait to get ours…

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"Totally Owned"

medal.jpgJerusalem, Israel
Israel’s only Olympic champion has gotten “totally owned” according to thieves who stole the gold and bronze medals which Gal Fridman had won. One of the thieves commented, “Ha! We just totally owned an Olympian! What is he going to do now? Windsurf us to death!?! This is one of the funniest things I have ever done and there is no way he is getting the medals back.”.

Meanwhile, Fridman pleaded on television with the thieves to give the medals back. He said, “To the thieves who stole my medals, I implore you to give them back. I need my precious. So niiiiccceee and shhhhinnnnyyy and pretttttttyyy. Yeeesssss, my preciiiioooouusss.”. The world seems to have taken on a strange movie-like quality that is unfortunately seen once and awhile. Meanwhile, the fate of the medals remains to be seen.

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Advancement thrown out...

creationism.JPEGTulsa, Oklahoma
The United States constitution is bleeding today after the Tulsa Park and Recreation Board approved a creationist exhibit at the Tulsa Zoo. The constitution has said, “How can the people do this to me? Does no one understand the separation of church and state? Don’t you love me?”. The exhibit is said to be fair because of a statue depicting the Hindu god Ganesh and a marble globe saying, “The earth is our mother. The sky is our father.”.

An anonymous clergyman from Tulsa has called the act a move a fairness. He commented saying, “You can’t just go around promoting one religion. Never mind that there aren’t many Hindus or Native Americans in the United States. God needs a place in a world where morals are dying. He can’t just be shut out.”. Meanwhile, the cultural aspects of both displays have been left to rot in the sun.

This attack closely follow one made by President Bush and it is difficult to determine what kind of state the constitution is in.

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Oh the Irony

cameraphone.jpgJerusalem, Israel
Members of the militant group Islamic Jihad have joined one of the world’s growing crazes: camera phones. An anonymous source from within Islamic Jihad said, “Camera phones are revolutionizing the way that we are able to fight the infidels. We are now able to show desecrated copies of the Quaran and other evils that the west is guilty of.”.

Meanwhile, Israeli officials are furious that detained prisoners were for some reason allowed to have cell phones. Prime Minister Ariel Sharon commented, “How is it possible that people detained and suspected of terrorism were allowed to keep cell phones? It makes no sense. I suppose you could say that our security forces are ‘asleep at the wheel’.”.

Despite Israel’s reservations, American companies are ecstatic that are beginning to reach new and more diverse markets. Verizon Wireless recently made a public statement saying, “We are happy that Verizon Wireless service is now being used throughout the world by many diverse groups of people. We are further happy to say that even Islamic militants use our cell phones!”.

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Taxi drives clients to United States

mercury.jpgMiami, Florida
Cuban refugees were caught fleeing the country for the United States in an amphibious ’49 Mercury taxi. The Cubans in the taxi said that they had simply paid a fair for the taxi and had no idea where they were going. Rafael Diaz, a “client” of the taxi said, “I was just taking the taxi to go and watch a movie when suddenly, the taxi drives right into the water! I wasn’t really sure what to do in that kind of situation.”.

Representatives for the Coast Guard were skeptical about the story of the “clients”. Coast Guard Captain Phil Heyl commented saying, “Those damn Cubans are liars. Castro attempts an invasion of the United States and all we do is send these people back. Nonetheless, the Coast Guard will do all that is can to protect American shores”.

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June 8, 2005

The Dead Talk

mugabe.jpgHarare, Zimbabwe
The dead are talking in Zimbabwe as President Robert Mugabe has denied that he is actually dead. The deceased president said, "I'm not actually dead. When did I die and where? You can't prove that I'm dead!". Many onlookers were horrified and began mumbling prayers.

Although the president claims not to be dead many citizens disagree. A concerned citizen said, "I can't believe that I have actually seen a ghost in my lifetime. Even a ghost that spoke to me and told me that he is not dead. Am I going crazy? Is the world going crazy? I just don't know...".

The deceased president continues to haunt the streets of Harare and the Pipeline will keep you updated with any further developments.


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City Becomes Repository of Sin

Fun for all!Dortmund, Germany
The home of the World Cup of Soccer is experiencing an interesting trend, it is building "sex huts". The huts which are being made so that prostitutes and clients will not disturb the residents of the city. A city official commented saying, "Soccer fans are a horny bunch and the best we can do is to accomidate them. We don't want them having sex in the middle of the street.".

Elements of the Christian right have labeled the act as sinful and have called Dortmund a "Repository of Sin". Reverend Jesse Jackson has helped to spearhead this movement. He commented saying, "Those damn harlots will burn in the pits of satan's eternal fires. Their sultry and succulent service is not for man to venture into. Well, at least more than once.".


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US Border is "airtight"

Crazy!Boston, Massachusetts
US officials are claiming that the border between the United States and Canada is "airtight". In fact, it is so airtight that border officials let a man in to the United States with a chainsaw, sword, knife, hatchet and brass knuckles. Even better, on the day that the man was let through, he was due to be sentenced in a Canadian court on assault charges. Bill Anthony, a spokesman for U.S. Customs and Border Protection commented saying, "The United States is a safe place, really... We can't just stop anyone at the border, even if the are very violent and wanted in other countries. We have a lot to do, the American people simply can not expect perfect coordination. Look what happened with September 11th!".

All we can say is, it appears to be picture perfect...


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Not my sword!

Hardcore gamer and avid player of Legend of Mir 3 Qui Chengwei was arrested after killing a man who sold a sword for 7,200 yen on the game Legend of Mir 3. Chengwei said, "That bastard took my livelihood! I didn't know what to do without the Soul Stealer!". Chinese officials have commented saying, "Damn that kid is a geek. He must have almost had a heart attack. Then he just had to go and kill some other geek. What is this? A geek festival or geek week?". In next week's episode, geeks: the story behind the glasses.

Gaming Horizon

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Pilots convicted of having a good time while flying

drunkpilot.jpgMiami, Florida
Two America West pilots were convicted of having a good time while flying a plane with 124 passengers aboard. One of the pilots, Thomas Cloyd said, "We were just having a good time. There isn't any danger in having a little drink before heading off. It was just a way to ease the stress of being a pilot.". Others however were skeptical and the pilots have been convicted of FUI (flying under the influence).

Good times or high crimes? We'll leave the decision up to you.


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June 7, 2005

Podcasts "next biggest thing in radio"

podcast.jpgApple Computer CEO Steve Jobs has said that podcasts are now the biggest thing going on in radio. Jobs commented, "Now all over the country, iPods can download podcasts because transmissions are being made all over the country. New and powerful 50,000 watt transmitters are beaming podcasts into every home.". Industry leaders are somewhat skeptical of the new technology saying that high level of electromagnetic interference in the atmosphere may cause the podcasts to have poor quality. Despite the reservations of some, podcasts are still being made by many DJs around the country.

Funk Flash, a DJ that makes an old school hip-hop podcast said, "Podcasts are the new thing, sending the good beats across the wire, the air wire that is. With a podcast recieving unit, people around the country are tuning in and keeping it cool.". The Pipeline wishes the best of luck to Steve Jobs and his amazing "radio" technology.

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Energy Unites (quazi) Enemies

pipeline.jpgIslamabad, Pakistan
India and Pakistan have set up a group to create a group to propose an Indian/Pakistani gas pipeline. The group will attempt to hammer out the details to meet the growing energy needs of the country. Pakistani Minister for Petroleum and Natural Resources Amanullah Khan Jadoon commented on the deal saying, "Due to Pakistan's growing energy needs, we are willing to make a compromise with the evil infidels so that lights may shine in our country.". An anonymous Inidian official said, "Should the Pakistanis try to backstab us, we will use our nuclear weapons to completely annihilate them.". The deal still seems somewhat tenuous and more remains to be seen.

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Body parts rain on South Africa

planecrash.jpgJohannesberg, South Africa
Today, body parts rained on the city of Johannesberg in South Africa after an airliner exploded killing everyone inside. The body parts are said to have landed in a three mile wide circle in the city leading to the disgust of many. A citizen of Johannesberg that wished to reamin anonymous said, "Two legs and a hand fell onto my house and yard. The hand was clutching a cigarette, it was gross! I thought they didn't allow smoking on planes anymore!". Authorities are still at a mystery to the cause of the explosion and aren't really sure why many of the body parts weren't vaporized. Decontamination crews are still working to dispose of body parts and identify the dead.

It seems that I made a mistake while reading the source for this. The body part fell off in New York. I guess I was confused because the plane was run by South African Airways.


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June 1, 2005

Departmen of Homeland Security Arrests Dangerous Pirates

pirateflag.jpgFederal homeland security agents served 10 search warrents and took over the website EliteTorrents in an effort to crack down on pirates. The notorious pirate Blackbeard commented, "Yarrrr!!! We ain't be doin' nothin'! We just be a group of humble pirates.". He went on to say, "Ye be taking away our livelihood! How can we sail 'cross the seas of the internet without our ship?". Blackbeard continued to say something but it was so obscure that the only thing understandable was "arrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!!!".

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff responded to Blackbeard comments by saying, "That damn pirate is a muderous cheating liar! How could anyone possibly trust him??? Look at how the man is dressed! He must be crazy!". Chertoff refused to comment on any of the warrants served.

In related news, the Sith were defeated because an illegal file sharing website that was distributing the Star Wars movie was shut down. Rumor has it that Darth Vader proclaimed, "We shall destroy you for this insolence!"


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Bush: "I finally understand..."

innocentbush.jpegWashington DC,
Today, President George W. Bush said that he, "Finally understands the true nature of deep throat." Bush went on to comment, "Seriously, people kept talking about it and I just didn't get it. It always seemed so strange and foreign. But now, with this recent revelation, I am beginning to get the idea.". Bush later commented that he wasn't sure if this news was good or bad for the nation.

Bush's closest advisors agree with what the present has said. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said, "I am pleased that deep throat is out of the closest. Too few people knew about this for too long. Hopefully this will do good for the country, but at this point I really can't say." Who knows what will happen with deep throat now. Perhaps only time will tell...


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Bush burns Bill of Rights

billripped.jpgWashington DC,
Today on the south lawn of the White House, president George W. Bush burned the Bill of Rights. Specatators to the incident said that they could hear Bush saying, "You can't stop me now! You can't stop me now!". The President later commented, "The Bill of Rights is only an impediment that is keeping us from fighting terrorists. As we sit here and enjoy our precious 'freedoms' we are being trampled on by terrorist devils. I can't sit back and let this happen.".

Many experts believe that Bush's actions come from his gross violations of the fourth, sixth and eleventh amendments of the Bill of Rights. As far as this publication can tell, Bush is trying to hastily justify his actions.


Sign On San Diego

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May 31, 2005

European Union changes name to "European Empire"

In a stunning move, the president of the European Parliment Josep Borrel Fontelles has announced that the European Union shall now be referred to as the European Empire. Mr. Fontelles declared, "From this day forward, there shall no longer be a union but an empire! I, Fontelles I shall preside over my empire with an iron fist so that peace, justice and freedom may prevail on the European continent!". Needless to say, many Europeans are stunned by this announcement.

Achille de Lecheilles, a French citizen, said that, "This is outrageous! Our people turn down a European Union consitution and now we have an empire on our hands! Who does this guy think he is?". Fontelles I responded by saying, "I am Fontelles I you silly serf. Get back to work or I'll have you flogged!".

With the European Empire on the way, maybe the continent will be made worth something.

NZ Herald

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Deep Throat not so deep anymore...

deepthroat.jpgNew York, New York
Vanity Fair has reported that W. Mark Felt former FBI associate director is indeed the famed Deep Throat that leaked data regarding the Watergate Scandal of the 1970s. Felt commented, "It is time to end all of this deep throat bullshit! There isn't anything even deep about it!". The Pipeline is still at a loss as to what exactly Felt was attempting to say.

In related news, many people seem to be ecstatic that Deep Throat has finally been revealed. Mark Oliver, a reporter for The Guardian Unlimited in the UK remarked, "I was very excited that Deep Throat decided to reveal himself. Hell, many people don't really even understand the nature of Deep Throat. What seems in many ways ridiculous is also a very satisfying and spiritual experience.". This reporter feels that Mr. Oliver may be a bit confused.

Is Felt Deep Throat? Maybe someone should ask Harry Reems it.

The Guardian
Mercury News

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May 26, 2005

Why lions are called 'King of the Jungle'

Kâmpóng Chhnăng, Cambodia
The Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against a lion, and the lion took it to them. In only twelve minutes, the lion managed to kill 28 of the fighters and seriously injure the remaining 14. For the low in this ridiculous and insutling reporting, midget... it's what's for dinner.

After the fight the lion commented, "I really took the hard fight to them. I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee." Yang Sihamoni, president of the league also commented, "How can one lion take down 42 people!?! I didn't even realize how powerful a lion could be.". Sihamoni must clearly realize the power of the king of the jungle now and he also must realize the price...

Sports Pickle

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May 25, 2005

Voyager I well on it's way to gauging the Klingon threat

Houston, TX
The NASA probe Voyager I has reached the heliosheath, a region in which the influence of the solar winds and the sun's gravitational field lessens.What does this mean? Voyager I will soon be traveling into interstellar space.... A NASA spokesman commented, "We can now find out what interstaller space actually holds.".

"I'll tell you what it holds, a bunch of damn dirty klingons!" remarked Lieutenant General Larry J. Dodgen, commander of the United States Space and Missile defense command. He continued saying, "We will now have the capabilities to get initial intelligence on the Klingon starfleet and worlds occupied by Klingon forces.". When asked what would happen in the event of a hardware failure on the Voyager I General Dodgen responded with the following, "In that case the earth may be in danger of a surprise attack by Klingon Vor'cha class starships.".

It seems that NASA may have to find out what space holds by picking up the scraps of dead Klingons and their starships.


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Mass Hysteria Reigns in Washington

cessna152.jpgWashington DC,
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the OK for the United States air force to shoot down a plane that had wandered into restricted airspace several weeks ago. Secretary Rumsfeld said, "A Cessna 152 is a dangerous weapon of war that should not be underestimated." Meanwhile, planes with giant passenger capacities and large fuel loads are apparentley being left alone.

Rumsfeld further commented, "That man [pilot Hayden Sheaffer] was out to kill honest American politicians. I couldn't agree more with the FAA's decision to suspend his license." Rumsfeld followed up his comment by saying, "Thankfully this was a known known allowing the military and other security forces to avoid any confusion.".

Apparentley Rumsfeld and the military aren't even on the same page because the military, "never considered [it] to be a threat." So much for a sensible reaction.


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May 24, 2005

Stem Cells Rejoice!

Stem CellWashington DC,
Stem cells around the country today are rejoicing thanks to a recent statement by president George W. Bush stating that a bill intended to expand stem cell research would cross,"a critical ethical line". Bush commented, "We can not go around and just start experimenting on cute little stem cells. It's like gutting a Teddy Bear or hunting My Little Pony, it just shouldn't be done."

An embryonic stem cell who wished to rename anonymous commented, "This is indeed a great day for all embryonic stem cells. We will no longer have to fear our blank state being used to create other cells.". It is possible that the bill may not even pass the house but stem cells are optimistic that if it does, President Bush will veto the bill.

However, there are others which feel that the stem cells and President Bush are crazy. Former First Lady Nancy Reagan attacked Bush saying, "That man is out of his damn mind. Stem cells aren't even alive! How are those stem cells even talking!?!". Bush has more opponents who claim he doesn't even know the definition of moral. Representative Charles Bass, R-New Hampshire commented, "Has that man ever even looked in a dictionary? We are supposed to have seperation between church and state but here we have our president deciding what is right and wrong based on moral grounds."

For now it appears that the house of congress and white house are split on the decision. The bill will be up for vote around 5 PM EDT on Tuesday.

New York Times
University of Wisconsin at Madison

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