My Secchi Disk

When Senator Joe Biden takes over the internets
or
Call me Vince Neil, ‘cause this MySpace is a Theatre of Pain

I’ve decided to go on the record and say that MySpace will guarantee that our country will continue our slide towards a state of complete stupidity. My first concern about our collective retardation occurred when I noticed that the manufacturers include detailed instructions with every pair of socks (OK, that one isn’t true). It was solidified by car advertisements that listed the features of the automobile (among those listed – “wheels�, “windows�, “engine� – and this one IS true).

Yet, in no way was I prepared for the fusillade of idiocy that would be thrust upon my humble corpus on that fateful June 27 of 2006. MySpace has millions of users, many of which do not actually exist. When the “internets� (thanks, Dubya) became a big deal in the late 90s, hucksters soon learned that millions of dollars could be extracted from lonely perverts by selling photographs and movin’ pictures of nekkid girls, some engaging in all kinds of debauchery involving objects named after villages in Newfoundland. After workplaces grew wise to the unsolicited solicitations of these sad bastards (by use of “spam� filters, or the millions of Americans simply deleting the offending subject lines), said bastards decided they would employ more surreptitious methods of reaching a potential clientele. Comedian Patton Oswalt once joked that since the porn dealers know we delete messages with risque subjects, they now place a fake subject line, something like “Here are those stamps you ordered�, which, if opened, results in your retinas being stained with images too hard-core for Larry Flynt.

The explosion of social networking sites, notably Friendster, and its competitor Introvertster, gave these merchants of mischief a new opportunity to exploit the many loser misogynist guys out there whose job at the big corporate office left them some extra cash (you know the type – they wear too much cologne, have a vocabulary of 15 words – ten of which are expletives – and you can always catch them looking down the shirts of seated receptionists). Thanks to these social networking sites, especially MySpace, these dudes can now display their dream of moving out of their parent’s basement, in addition to their inability to write complete sentences, to the world. Armed with the knowledge of who is “in a relationship�, who is “single� and who is a “swinger�, the porn purveyors (or “PPs�, as I’ll refer to them throughout this diatribe) could aim their efforts at a more likely john, I mean customer.

Utilizing the facade of a “random� message from a “girl� who “saw your profile� and thought you “sounded interesting�, the PPs send mass e-mails to as many guys as possible, hoping a few lunch-buckets click on their dirty links and not care that no “friendship� opportunity exists, but still sign up to subscribe to their “modeling photos�. It must work, because these PPs have really stepped up their swarm of spammed messages.

Unfortunately for them (and me), these foolish Tiffany-wannabes (c’mon, at least Debbie Gibson wrote her own songs) decided that my “in a relationship� setting on MuhSpace (accent the second syllable, rockers) would not deter them from pushing their mediocrity upon me. However, their sales technique smacks of a cross between that Ford Autos letter to college kids employing serious malapropistic use of “hip college� language – think John Cusack’s dad in “Better Off Dead� - and the sleazy come-ons of a faux lothario (or “faux-thario – that’s copyrighted, Bruce) at the pick-up joint. You know of whom I speak - the meat-head who employs “sentimentality� lifted from Warrant lyrics, and when his first choice leaves him looking for where the down boys go, he tries the exact same line on the girl seated next to his first victim. (Maybe he should have tried Mötley Crüe instead. Or Winger – or is it “Wїngёr�?).

Here’s the first letter, from “Jen�, my comments in brackets [ ]:

Subject: hey

What's up!!
[I believe “what’s up?� is interrogative, and not an exclamation, which warrants an...ahh forget it]

The time has arrived for me to start using this myspace thing. I can hold back no longer.. Let the addiction begin! I wandered into your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. :p

[“this myspace thing�? Well, we know this “Jen� picked up her syntax from George Bush, Senior. Which adds credence to my belief that this is really a guy writing these things. And Toots, if you “…liked what you saw�, why don’t you reference a single word of my profile within your letter? And that colon with a “p� after it? What, are you 12? Shouldn’t you be in that remedial math class instead of playing around on the internets?]

So, my name is Jen. I think me and you should probably be friends, because you seem pretty cool, and interesting, and maybe even cute! (it's so hard to tell in this crazy digital world.. :)

[Once again, platitudes with no evidence (“probably�? I’m glad you are so committed). If you want me to think this is a “real� letter, you’ll need to remove the sheen of anonymity. Props, though, for correct use of “it’s�. Although I must ask, what is with the bizarre punctuations? Since you offered a paranthesis to begin the “digital� sentence, I must assume that the other paranthesis was to close the series. So what is with the colon, you moron?]

anyways, i would go on all day, but I want to get a response from you first! You should check out my other page on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.thefriendnet.com?id=2201&mypics (my username is vaiyne). I probably won't be logging in here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. looks captures the eyes, but personality wins over the heart.. LOL!

[Now we’ve forgotten how to employ correct capitalization. e.e. cummings you are not. Not that you’ve heard of him, since he’s not on “American Idol� or any other of the vapid mind-numbing enterprises that will allow the corporate elites to rule our anesthetized population for eternity. And what’s with the misspellings and subject-verb disagreement? How often were you dropped on your skull as a baby? LOL!]

[Verrrrry subtle plug for your webcam, or whatever the crap you are pushing. Your user name is “Vaiyne�? I know that the Russian language utilizes an i-before-y spelling in names. Or you might possibly be trying (if you are capable of such things) to add a “unique� twist on the word “vain�. So that leaves us two options on your identity. Either you are a mail-order bride, or someone extremely narcissistic – neither of which is an attractive feature in a “friend� (“NewsMax� readers excepted).]

[“You know what they say� – Who is this “they�? Is it the same “they� who releases movies (“Did you hear that They are coming out with another Hilary Duff movie?)]

[‘LOL’? I know I am reaching here, but based on the extremely simplistic personality portrait you offer in “your� letter, I can assume you are not referencing Manchester’s famed music-video director Lol Crème (you know he worked with Kevin Godley and Graham Gouldman in 10cc, they wrote “I’m Not in Love�, they…ahh, nevermind.)]

take care,

Jen

Now “Jen� must have some really close friends. In the Noah Baumbach film “Kicking and Screaming� (not the Will Ferrell crap-fest – sorry Will, you know it was pants when Ditka was on the payroll), Max’s 17-year-old girlfriend says to the “Hawks� or the “Cougars�- your choice - “You guys all talk the same�. I say this because the next five letters may as well be from the same person. Here they are:

“Jessica� writes:

Subject: Hey hey

Hey there buster brown!

So, i guess it's time for me to start using this myspace thing. I can resist it no longer.. Let the games begin! I took a look at your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. :p

So.. ya :) they call me Jessica. I think me and you should probably be friends, because you seem pretty cool, and smart, and maybe even cute! (it's everso hard to tell in this cold digital world.. :)

anyway, i would go on all day, but I want to get a response from you first! You should check out my other "space" on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.make-friends.org?id=2201&mypics (my username is unred). I probably won't be coming here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. appearance wins over the eyes, but personality captures the heart.. LOL!

hope to hear from you soon,

Jessica

“Maria� writes:

Hey there :p

Hey!

So, i guess it's time for me to finally start using this account. I can resist it no longer.. Let the games begin! I decided to take a look at your page and well, I liked what I saw.. :p

So.. ya :) they call me Maria. I think us crazy kids should probably be friends, because you seem pretty nice, and interesting, and maybe even cute! (it's so tough to tell in this cruel digital world.. :)

anyways, i would go on forever, but I wanna get an answer from you first! You should check out my other page on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.photoprofiles.net?id=2201&mypics (my username is Smallstorm). I probably won't be logging in here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. looks wins over the eyes, but personality catches the heart.. LOL!

take care,

Maria

“Mellanie� writes:

Subject: Hey there

Hey there buster brown!!

So, looks like the time has come for me to start using this myspace thing. I can hold back no longer.. Let the addiction begin! I decided to take a look at your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. ;p

So.. ya :) they call me Mellanie. I think we should probably be friends, cause you seem pretty cool, and smart, and maybe even cute! (it's everso hard to tell in this cruel digital world.. :)

anyways, i would go on and on, but I'd like to get a response from you first! You should check out my other profile on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.circleforfriends.com?id=2201&mypics (my username is amymm621). I doubt if i'll be coming here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. appearance captures the eyes, but personality captures the heart.. LOL!

hope to hear from you soon,

Mellanie

“Linda� writes:

subject: hey
Yo yo!!

So, looks like it's time for me to start using this site. I can resist it no more.. Let the addiction begin! I wandered into your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. ;p

So.. ya :) they call me Linda. I think us crazy kids should probably be friends, because you seem pretty fun, and interesting, and maybe even cute! (it's so hard to tell in this vast digital world.. :)

anyway, i would go on all day, but I want to get a response from you first! You should check out my other profile on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.make-a-match.net?id=2201&mypics (my username is luvoforange). I probably won't be logging in here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. looks catches the eyes, but personality wins over the heart.. LOL!

talk to you soon,

Linda

Finally, “Megan� writes:

Subject: Hey there
Hey!!

So, i guess the time has come for me to start using this account. I can resist it no longer.. Let the games begin! I decided to take a look at your profile and well, I liked what I saw.. ;p

So, my name is Megan. I think me and you should be friends, because you seem pretty cool, and smart, and possibly cute! (it's everso tough to tell in this mean digital world.. :)

anyways, i would go on and on, but I want to get an answer from you first! You should check out my other profile on this other site, I'm allllways on over there: www.friendbooster.net?id=2201&mypics (my username is petral). I probably won't be logging in here everyday anyway. Then maybe we could chat sometime! you know what they say.. looks captures the eyes, but personality wins over the heart.. LOL!

take care,

Megan

My favorite part: Two of the “girls� decide to open their letter by calling me the name of a shoe company. Imagine me writing to a woman, unannounced, and starting the letter “Hey there New Balance!!!!� Or maybe “Yo yo Aerosoles Resdurant!!??!!#!� LOL!

You have to love the user names these “girls� have chosen. Since nothing in these letters, or profiles for that matter, offer any unique insights into their personalities, these names are all we have. “Unred�? More like “Un-read�. “Smallstorm�? I was hoping you merely mis-typed “Small-Strom� (and based on the lack of grammar skills employed in this letter, who am I to say that you did not?) and you were a fan of Dixiecrat midgets. “Petral�? A Dick Cheney apologist whose spelling skills parallel the Veep’s dexterity with a shotgun. “Luvofororange�? Turn that oven on, I’m’a stick my head in it.

Another “pretty cool, interesting and possibly cute� element of all this: NONE of these “girls� have entered a damn thing in their profile. Favorite music? None. Favorite movies? None. Favorite books: None (although that really isn’t a surprise). No blog entries, either. I found myself wishing they did have blogs – imagine the combination of misplaced modifiers, dangling participles, anthropomorphic gerunds, subject-verb disagreement, past-perfect misuse, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

These “letters� make a half-hearted effort to sound like an authentic message from some “nice� girl. The owners of these enterprises (“friendnet� “friend-booster�, whatever the Sam Hill those are) are banking on my buying into the image of some “fun� girl actually wanting to get to know ME. Yet, this lazy grope for my attention (and money) omits any personalization whatsoever, and the “person� writing the “letter� has not even bothered to take the time to fill in the profile. Why would someone who invested actual time in their profile even think of responding to someone who has not? And what MENSA candidate receiving the same letter from multiple “women� will not be at least a little suspicious? Aren’t these guys aware of Senator Joe Biden’s derailed presidential campaign in 1988? He lifted speeches directly from British Labour candidate Neil Kinnock, and the resulting kerfuffle, including an embarrassing commercial that displayed video of both candidate’s speeches side-by-side, led to his Hart-like fall. I can’t fault the American public, especially younger people, for not knowing of this. But I can fault them for possessing an intellectual incuriosity and gullibility that allows annoyances like these spammed “letters� to continue their financial profitability. Even before one looks at our particular preferences in the voting booths, the US is obviously populated with a plethora of desperate males with low standards and even lower intelligence. And thanks to MySpace, there are more of those than ever.

thanks for the info about the spamming. I linked you.

I have to thank you for this information. Upon reading this after a suspicion of this message being fake. Glad I saw this. You've done a great service writting about myspace.