November 2008 Archives

The Pink Monkey

Part Two

By Unknown

Transcribed and embellished by
Douglas E. Gogerty

The ancient grandfather clock in the corner struck two.

"My goodness," exclaimed Xavier. "Is it that late? Well, I should get some sleep. Your clothes are surely dry, but you are welcome to stay if you want. I have plenty of room."

"Aren't you worried about letting a stranger stay at your house?" asked Roger.

"I have my own special form of security," replied the old man with a wry smile. "I'm not worried."

With that, the old man retrieved Roger's clothes and gave them to him -- folded and dry. Roger followed the old man as he led him to a spacious room with a bed in the middle.

"You can sleep here," explained the old man. "However, before you leave I would like to show you something."

Roger placed his clothes down on the bed and followed the old man to the end of a corridor. There was an enormous vault door at the end. The old man turned the dial to the left."

"Twenty-four," he said as he stopped and began spinning the dial to the right.

"Twenty-five," he added as he stopped and began spinning the dial to the left.

"Twenty-six," he stated as he stopped and spun the dial back to zero.

He swung open the heavy steel door. "It's my initials," he explained. "X-Y-Z translated into numbers."

Inside was a large quantity of treasures from all around the world. There were pieces of art of all fashions. He had quality paintings, sculptures, and ceramics. He had boxes of jewelry and ornate items made from precious metals. It was a huge collection of valuables, but in the corner stood an enormous pink creature.

"This is my treasure vault," explained the old man. "It contains the most valuable stuff I own. For keeping me company on this lonely stormy night, I would like you to take your pick."

"I couldn't," protested Roger.

"I insist, but whatever you do, don't touch the pink monkey."

The pink creature was not a monkey. It was way too big to be a monkey. It stood nearly 7 feet tall and its shoulders were almost that wide. It was huge and had an ugly grimace on his face with two large canine fangs.

"No I couldn't," replied Roger. "You provided me with a great service -- letting me get out of the rain."

"All right," replied the old man with a sigh of resignation. "If you change your mind, the combination is 24, 25, 26, and then to zero."

The two men went to their respective rooms to get some sleep. Roger climbed under the covers, but his curiosity had a strong grip on him. Why was he forbidden to touch the pink creature? What would happen if he did?

These questions rolled in his mind over and over. He tossed and turned for quite a while. He heard the clock chime 4 o'clock and he just could not take it anymore. He got up. He walked around a little bit. He looked outside and the rain had stopped. He was happy about that, but his thoughts always returned to the pink monkey.

The sun began to rise as the clock struck five as he continued to ponder about the creature in the vault. He could not stand it any longer. He made his way down the corridor to where the vault was. He entered the combination, left 24, right 25, left 26, right to zero. He heard the door click. He pulled the lever and swung the heavy door open.

He looked around at the valuable treasures. He briefly wondered about that special security of which the old man spoke. Those thoughts were quickly washed away by the enormous pink beast in the corner.

Roger walked slowly up to the beast and looked into at its face. Its eyes were closed. The grimace gave it a terrible look. It was an awful looking beast. It was enormous. He was reminded of so many stories with horrible apes in them. But why was he forbidden from touching this one?

He hesitated. He looked around. He reached out, but pulled his hand back. He laughed at himself. What could happen? What would happen? Why was he forbidden from touching this monkey?

He gathered up his courage, reached out his hand, and touched the course pink hair of the creature. Suddenly, its eyes popped open. There was a burning fury in them. The dark eyes rimmed with red. It began breathing heavily.

"Ooo eee ooo aaah," was the sound it made.

Roger was frozen with panic. He stood there for what seemed like hours as the beast slowly came to life. Finally, the pink monkey took a step towards him. This movement caused Roger to regain his composure, and he ran out of the vault. He tried to close the door behind him, but the monster prevented him from closing the door with one enormous hand.

Roger sprinted to his room and quickly changed into his clothes. The monster's "ooo eee ooo aaah" got closer and closer as it made its way down the hall.

When Roger was dressed, the beast was in the doorway. He was trapped. He looked around, and he found that he could open a window. Out he went. He climbed his way to the ground, and ran to his car.

"Ooo eee ooo aaah" he heard as he climbed into his car. With the damp night, his car did not want to start. The "ooo eee ooo aaah" got louder and louder as the car struggled to turn over.

It started up, he put it in gear, and he pulled out. He saw the beast in his rear-view mirror. However it was not getting smaller. It was keeping up with his car. His tires squealed at the curves. He wanted to speed up, but the winding driveway prevented him from going any faster.

Eventually, he reached the end of the driveway, and he heard the "ooo eee ooo aaah" behind him. He pulled out and sped away.

He let out a brief sigh of relief, but he soon was forced to come to a stop. With the heavy rain, a river overflowed its banks. He could not cross, and he certainly could not go back. However, the pink monkey certainly would not have followed him this far. That is when he heard the "ooo eee ooo aaah" faintly in the distance.

Roger got out of his car and started to run. The "ooo eee ooo aaah" got closer and closer. He ran. He ran as fast as he could. He darted between trees. He ran up and down hills. He ran in a serpentine path. However, no matter how much he zigzagged, he heard the "ooo eee ooo aaah" behind him.

He was beginning to tire, but he had to press onward. However, with the flood his options were limited. Eventually, he ran into a dead end. He had run into a bend in the river. He was surrounded by water on three sides. He heard the "ooo eee ooo aaah" coming getting closer. He saw the shadowy figure coming his way.

He was trapped and the "ooo eee ooo aaah" got louder and louder. The "ooo eee ooo aaah" almost right on top of him. Should he jump and try to swim for it he wondered as the "ooo eee ooo aaah" got closer and closer. He was too tired and too frightened to move as the "ooo eee ooo aaah" rang in his ears. Soon the "ooo eee ooo aaah" drowned out the river. It was right on top of him.

Roger resigned himself to his fate. The enormous creature reached out its long arm. It got closer and closer. All Roger could do was sit their and cringe. Closer and closer the monster got. Louder and louder was the "ooo eee ooo aaah" Closer and closer was its enormous hand reaching for him.

Suddenly, the pink monkey touched Roger and said, "You're it!"

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Part Two

By Dwayne MacInnes

Bruce soon found his way up the staircase to the main gallery of the museum. His small flashlight instantly lit upon someone holding a gun on him. Bruce's blood momentarily froze in his veins before he realized he was looking at the figure of John Wayne in typical cowboy attire.

"Stupid dolls," Bruce sniffed aloud. He wound his way through the gallery and entered upon another. Bruce at first tried to navigate his way through as quickly as possible. He was intent on getting to Amanda's apartment. He would hide in a closet, and when she returned home, he would introduce her to his knife. He planned to take it slow -- letting her experience true agony.

However the craftmanship of the wax images soon had Bruce slowing down to study them more closely. It was uncanning how realistic they looked. Genghis Khan sneared with a saber raised high in the air. Marilyn Monroe stood in her classic pose over an air duct.

Occasionally Bruce would be startled by a figure holding a pistol or rifle. He had to do double takes to make sure they were made of wax and not flesh. Sometimes he had to reach out and touch a figure to reassure himself.

"I have to admit the old man was an artist," Bruce said to the wax image of Helen of Troy. Her long slender arms held out beckoning to the observer. Helen's blond hair curled around her delicate pale face. "I can see why a thousand ships were launched in your favor, my lady," Bruce said with a mock bow.

Soon Bruce was taking up a conversation with many of the exhibits as he worked his way through the gallery. He had the impulse, a couple of times, to break off an arm or to carve an obsenity into to the wax. However, he could not bring himself to do it.

"I thought you were working at a chicken joint in Colorado," Bruce joked to an image of Elvis Presley. "Hey, King you may want to lay off the Big Mac's! They'll be the end of you."

The museum appeared larger on the inside than it did on the outside. Bruce still could not find his way to the stairs leading to the apartment. He had only been in the Benson's place once, and that was over three years ago. At that time, he had entered through the front door. He had never taken the time to look at the exhibits.

He was making up for that oversight now. Bruce knew that Amanda would be at the movie theater all night watching the horror movies she liked so much. It was ironic that she found escape from the horrors that he inflicted on her by watching others have a worse fate enacted upon them. Worse -- that is -- until she returned home tonight.

"Ayyy!!!" Bruce cried as he ran into a tall woman with long red hair in a black gown. Her face was struck with fear as she glared at her hands. What she was looking at Bruce could not tell. He moved the beam of his flashlight down to the placard.

"‘Out damn'd spot' Lady MacBeth's conscious plagues her." The placard read.

"Hmm...I don't have that problem," laughed Bruce as he lifted the flashlight's beam back up to the face of Lady MacBeth. The dark woman's face now appeared to be scowling down at Bruce.

"What the hell?" Bruce shouted in fear as the flashlight fell from his hand. He quickly dropped on all fours and grabbed the rolling flashlight. He rapidly shone the beam on MacBeth's face again. She again appeared to be looking at her hands.

"Calm down, man. You are letting your imagination get away with you," Bruce said to the empty air around him.

"Maybe I can help you," a woman's voice said behind him.

Bruce spun around and flashed the beam into the eyes of strange woman. She squinted through the light at Bruce. Her beauty left Bruce stunned. He noticed her milky white skin, cherry red full lips and midnight black hair. She was wearing a light diaphonous gown that was nearly see through which accentuated her perfect curves. Bruce felt his passion rise as he assessed her full breasts heaving underneath the thin fabric.

"Who...who are you?" Bruce's mind was at a loss.

"I can be who ever you want," the woman said as she slid out of her gown.

Bruce stood frozen as one of the wax exhibits. The woman completely nude slowly approached Bruce. "There is no need to fear. Relax the night is ours," she said in a sultry voice.

"I...I must be dreaming," Bruce stammered as she began to unbutton his shirt.

"Enjoy the dream then," the woman whispered in his ear.

Bruce needing no further prodding passionately started to kiss the woman on the face and neck.

"Yes," the woman sighed as she slid Bruce's shirt off so she could run her hands down his back.

"How did you get in here?," Bruce panted as he pulled the woman down with him onto the floor.

"I know my way around," the woman panted back as she returned Bruce's kisses. Bruce had to agree with her.

"What's your name?" Bruce said as the intensity of the situation began to escalate.

"My name is Lillith," the woman replied as her dark black hair started to entangle itself around Bruce's head.

Bruce started to massage Lillith's full silky breast. Their hot bodies were pressed together tightly. Lillith's hair began to tightly wind itself around Bruce's neck. Bruce continued to passionately kiss the woman who straddled him.

It was only when Bruce was having a hard time breathing that he began to become concerned. He tried to speak but the words would not come out. He then tried to pull the hair from his throat. However it would not loosen its hold. In desperation he grabbed the abandoned flashlight and shined its beam at the woman gyrating her warm body on top of him. In the flashlight's beam he noticed Lillith begin to smile. A smile that produced two sharp fangs moments before they plunged themselves deep into his neck.

* * * * *

Amanda returned from the theater around 2 A.M. She flipped on the light of the museum so that she could navigate around the museum. She walked down her grandfather's rogue gallery of monsters when she noticed Lillith again. Amanda did not remember there being blood on her fangs last time.

Amanda reached up and felt the teeth of the smiling woman. The blood was so realistic looking she could have sworn the vampire had just eaten. However, it was just a little wax and paint. Amanda began to walk away when she noticed a figure behind Lillith.

Strange she never noticed it before. She knelt down and looked at it closer. It was a man his shirt was off and his pants were partly undone. His face was turned away so she could not see it. However there were two red holes in his neck.

Amanda could not understand why, but she had to look at the face. She walked around and looked at the horror stricken face of her exhusband. At first, Amanda stiffled a scream then she reached out and touched it. Wax, he was made of wax.

Amanda relaxed and laughed out loud. Grandpa never did like Bruce.

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With the election over, the down hill run of our most beloved president has begun. What are people like Roy Zimmerman going to do? Here is video/song relating to GWB's foreign policy and keeping up with the spirit of Dwayne's last story.

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The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter One

By Douglas E. Gogerty

It was a dark and stormy night, but not like those puny storms on that planet earth. Oh no! This one was a real ground shaker. Back in the old days, people were afraid of hurricane force winds. Those fragile little babies! They did not have the 600 kph winds of the storms here. Also, there is none of that puny water falling from the sky. "Oh it may be a little acidic," cried the spoiled little children. No sir! We are talking about liquid methane rain here. So it was a balmy 90 K (-297.4 ºF) outside. Those infants would not last two seconds outside -- well neither would I. That is why I am inside.

You would expect a world where rocket fuel rains from the sky to be populated. At least, that is why my grandparents moved here. It was a chance for a better life for them. For me, it is just the place I call home. Most of the people here work in the rocket fuel business. It is a rough life on the fringes of civilization. People come here to refuel, and sometimes they cause trouble. Thus, there are those here to keep the peace, and there are those of us who live in the gaps between chaos and law and order.

My name is Dwayne Thompson. I have lived here all my life. I am a jack of all trades, and yes, master of none. I get by. Like many that live here, I did not choose this as my home. However, it is as good as anywhere, and I make a living as a freelance troubleshooter.

On this particular night, she walked in. She had long legs. They went from the ground all the way up to her chin. That is how these Larsentients are built. Their face is just above their legs with their arms coming out where there should be ears. They have a bit of a body above that with the rest of their anatomy. It is kind of disturbing looking at someones eyes that are where our naughty bits are. Furthermore, if you look at them where our eyes are, you are looking at their naughty bits. They will be all like, "Hey, my eyes are down here!" It is a wonder there has not been a war between our species over this very thing. Oh wait, we have had wars with them. Never mind.

Her name was Qx&M@x%lmmnwz^zppklIN3nnw9RL$#kkngfFF. Those Larsentients have completely unpronounceable names. In fact, it is almost impossible to even spell them. She walked into my office and the first thing she said to me was, "Hey, my eyes are down here!"

"You have recently lost something," I said looking into her baby orange eyes.


"It was very important to you."


"I'm getting an 'M' ... or ... an 'N' perhaps?"

"She's a Maltese Sparrow."

"A Maltese Sparrow? What is that? Is it some sort of jewel encrusted bird coated in an enamel to hide the fact that it is very valuable?"

"No it is my pet."

"You're here to see if the Great Thompsoani can get in touch with it using my incredible psychic powers! Is that it?"

"What? No. I am looking for Dwayne Thompson the Wingtip!"

You see, when they built this world, they did not want to be caught in the epidemic of obesity like earthlings are prone to be. Thus, if you walk out of your front door to visit your neighbor, you will have to walk at least a mile to get there even though the houses share a common wall. Since private detectives visit many places, they hitch rides by grabbing the wings of passing flying machines. Thus, they call those in the private investigation business wingtips.

"Are you sure that you are not looking for a psychic?"

"I am sure."

"My powers are remarkable..."

"I am sure."

"Good! You passed my test," I told her. "I am Dwayne Thompson."

"Test? Were you trying to be Sherlock Holmes or something?"

"Sherlock who?"

"Never mind. Will you find my Maltese Sparrow?"

"You mean those huge carnivorous flying monsters that chased humans off the earth? They haven't discovered space travel have they?"

"What? No! You are thinking of the Maltese Great Blue Tit. My Mable is much smaller."

"Are you telling me that the Maltese Sparrow has discovered space travel? Then it is only a matter of time before these huge man-eaters come after us! We must get ready!"

"Calm down! I bought my little sweetheart from a pet trader. He risks life and limb to obtain species from earth for earthlings and others to have as pets. I am sure these birds do not have the ability to leave earth on their own."

"Okay, but if an enormous Maltese blue tit comes to my door and kills me, I'll blame you and never speak to you again."

"Fair enough. So, are you taking my case?"

"I don't know. I never thought of myself as a pet detective."

"I'll make it worth your while Ace," she said with an alluring look in her eye.

"I bet you will!"

"My eyes are down here," she added.

"1000 credits a day plus expenses," I replied.

"12 credits a day plus a 30 credit per diem."

"Done!" a said victoriously.

"Here is a picture of Mable."

"This is a picture of a bird," I announced.

"Mable is my pet bird," she said in a I want you voice. "She is who you'll be looking for."

"Right. Just testing you again. So, when was the last time you saw her?"

"I left her in my hotel room as I went to the store to purchase food for the needy," she said as her eyes shifted right and left. "And, my eyes are down here."

"Go on," I urged, but not believing her story.

"This was Twosday."




"Do you know how the galactic calendar works?"

"Of course!" I insisted.

"Onesday, Twosday, Threesday..."

"Wednesday? Tuesday? Thursday? What are you talking about?"

"It was one day ago."


"All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in..."


"Why'd she have to go? I don't know,"

"She wouldn't say? You said something wrong and now you long for..."

"Yesterday, after I dropped the food off at the local food shelf. I stopped for a sesame bagel and a schmeer. I saved some of the seeds for Mable, but when I returned to my room..." she said and began to cry.

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Theocratic States of America

Part One

By Dwayne MacInnes

* * * * *
Top Secret
Only the Prophet and his closest advisors may view this document. Anyone found in violation will be prosecuted and executed immediately.

This is an attempt to capture the history of the TSA on paper before it is lost to the annals of time. The author apologizes for any errors and/or poor writing contained within this document. That being said let it be know that all information contain within is for your eyes only and sharing it with those without the proper security clearance will result in immediate capital punishment and eternal damnation.

* * * * *

During the last half of the twenty-first century, the political climate of the country known at the time as the United States of America (USA) had changed radically. For three hundred years, the USA was in a struggle between the believers and the non-believers. One of the founding tenants of the country was the freedom of religion, or the ability for the citizens to practice whatever religion they wanted without persecution from the government. This also included those who chose not to believe in any religion.

Due to this evil practice, the country found itself in a massive economic depression. This depression left one out of four Americans out of work. Food riots were common as a terrible drought followed in the wake of the economic collapse. As whole cities burned under the torches of its disgruntled occupants, anarchy ruled the land. The government was helpless to stem the tide of chaos gripping the country.

When the United States of America faced its greatest internal threat since its civil war in the nineteenth century, it was during this time that a man came forth. This man was a man of God. The true and living God and not the pagan gods worshiped by so many. With the Holy Bible in one hand and rifle in another, the first Prophet rose to power.

The story goes that Prophet Thomas W. Douglas had a vision of Jesus Christ telling him how to reclaim the land in His name. A new promise land of milk and honey, like that in the found in the Old Testament, would arise from the dust of the unrighteous USA.

Prophet Thom, as many affectionately called him, spread his vision amongst the masses. People found what they had been missing in their souls for generations, the word of God. They were feeling the power of His wrath but had little knowledge on how to placate the Lord.

Prophet Thom had the answer. First, he set up networks to help feed those who were hungry. Then he mobilized his own Christian army to protect those communities of believers trying to withstand the storm of chaos and anarchy gripping the nation.

At first, the government was overjoyed to find someone with the ability to calm down the rebelling citizenry. Prophet Thom used his influence to guide the direction the United States government took to restore law and order. New laws arose to help bring peace and prosperity to the land.

Though calm returned to the land, many remained critical of the Prophet. Some cited Prophet Thom's background as a believer in the Prosperity Theology. They claimed he was more for rewarding those with wealth over helping those without it. It is a well-known truth that God wants Christians to be abundantly successful in every way and what better way to prove God's favor than with financial prosperity. Therefore, the obverse must surely be as true.

Others claimed that Prophet Thom's faith in a Christian God and promoting a strict conservative Christian agenda did more to divide America than heal its wounds. However, it was those very same strict conservative Christian views that drew many to the Prophet and helped restore peace and prosperity to the land.

As time passed and Prophet Thom's popularity exploded, many in the United States government began to become concerned. Those who were against the Prophet from the beginning (called "liberals") became frightened at the prospect of losing control. In addition, there were some who welcomed the Prophet's help during the chaotic years before the restoration of peace, but now feared the influence the Prophet had over the populace. These people were agents of Satan and Prophet Thom knew how to deal with them.

With much secrecy and planning, Prophet Thom was able to do something that had never happened in the United States of America before, a bloodless coup. In the years after the chaos that nearly destroyed the nation, the Lord God had placed the faithful in key positions within the government and the military. When the proper time came, the United States of America died one night and the Theocratic States of America came to life the next morning.

The Prophet proved generous to his adversaries after the new nation came to be. They had the choice of reeducation to become valuable members of society or prison for those who stubbornly refused to submit to the will of the Prophet and therefore the Lord. Alternatively, if all else failed they lived out their days in the work camps (the wicked came to call them 'death camps').

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I never knew what kind of Pandora's Box was opened with Dwayne's story a few weeks ago. Now I know.

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The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter Two

By Douglas E. Gogerty

Crying. I had a crying client. I hate that. I pushed over a box of tissues, and she stared at them wondering what they were. I thought it best to continue the interview.

"Did it look like someone broke in?" I asked.

"The room service personnel were there. They were cleaning up, so who could tell?" she said with a sob. She grabbed me and cried on my hip because my shoulder was much higher than her eyes.

"There there," I said while patting her on the back in an attempt to reassure her.

"Where?" she asked with a start.

"It's just and old earth expression."

"Oh," she said dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief.

"So, who knew you had this valuable bird?"

"The hotel staff, of course."

"Of course."

"Daniel Butler."

"Ooooh Daniel Butler!"

"Do you know him?"


"He is the pet broker."

"Ooooh *that* Daniel Butler!"

"So you do know him!"


"There are some off-world friends," she continued. "The waitress at the bagel place, my neighbors at the hotel, everyone along the route from Daniel's to my place..."

"Perhaps it would be easier to list the people who didn't know," I replied. "Is there anyone here who would want to harm you?"

"Not that I know of," she replied sobbing some more.

"Okay. I want you to go back to your hotel and think hard about it. Could you do that for me? Then, write down anyone you can think of that you think might do this."

"All right," she said opening her bag. "Here is my card. My earth friends call me Maxine."

"Okay Qx... Qx&M@... Maxine," I replied walking her to the door.

I am sure she could find her way out, but it was the polite thing to do. Besides, I needed a few minutes to decide on my course of action. Would I go interview this Daniel Butler? Should I see the hotel staff? Should I go out for a sandwich or order something in?

I sat in my office mulling over these difficult questions, but decided that I should go ahead and get started. I would go out for that sandwich and make my way over to Daniel Butler's place of business. Despite it being next door, it was going to be quite a hike.

I walked out my building door into the winding habitrail tube that led to the main corridor. When it rains methane on your planet, there is no outside. At least, no one goes outside. We travel in tunnels, and because the planets founders did not want the inhabitants to be out of shape, the tunnels twist and turn. Thus, after I grabbed my sandwich, I grabbed the wingtip of a passing flying car to take me to the tunnel that led to Daniel Butler's place.

I guess flying car is a bit of a misnomer. The freight and other fast transports travel along cables above the pedestrian areas. Thus, you have to go fairly high to grab a wingtip. It takes a bit of practice, but sometimes it sure beats walking. Although, one of the downsides is that it is difficult to eat a sandwich on the way.

I dropped in front of the tunnel that led to the business center where Daniel Butler did business. It was very much like the place where my office resided. Okay, it was exactly like it because they were all built at the same time for the same purpose. I rang the bell and entered.

Immediately, I was met by two enormous Maltese blue tits! Their sharp beaks snapping at me. I turned around and ran out of his office, but they followed. Why did I not close the door behind me? Their loud tweets and their flapping wings were right behind me. Suddenly they stopped, but I did not. Why did they stop? I was not going to turn around and find out. My decision was made and it was final. I would interview the hotel staff first.

I shot out of the tunnel and grabbed the first wingtip I could find that was going my way. I easily made my way to the high-rise hotel building. At the tube running into the hotel, I solved my first mystery of the day. The monsters from Malta stopped to consume my sandwich. That was one less mystery to be solved that day.

I entered the hotel and made my way to the staff lounge. That room was easy to find. I just kept entering the doors labeled Employees Only. I asked around and found out that Mlm3$63 ... Mle3$ ... Manny opened the door to Maxine's room.

"So -- er -- Manny," I began. "Did you notice anything unusual when you opened -- um -- Maxine's room this morning?"

"She is a slob," he replied. "Her room is always a mess!"

"Did you find anything out of the ordinary?"

"Not that I recall..."

"Is there any way you could get me a sandwich?"


"Fine. What can you tell me about her pet?"

"Pet? There are no pets allowed in the hotel."

"So, you have never noticed a bird in the room?"

"Bird? What is a bird?"

"It's an earth creature. Looks like this," I replied crossing my thumbs and flapping my hands in birdlike fashion.

"What?" he replied.

I then showed him a picture that my client supplied. I said, "Does this help?"

"Oh Miss Mable!" Manny replied. "Do you know where she is? I have not seen her in days."

"I thought you said the hotel does not allow pets..."

"Certainly not, but we do allow sentient companions."

"Wait! What? Sentient?"

"Sure, I have had several conversations with that ... bird you say?"

"You have?" I asked. "What language does it speak?"

"It has a series of tweets and chirps. It is whatever language it speaks."

"And you understand her?"

"Certainly," was the reply. "Say, you do not suppose something has happened to her?"

"That is what I'm trying to find out. That is why I was asking you these questions."

"Oh! That makes sense. Let me think. I did notice that her door was slightly ajar when I entered her room."

"Who has a key to her room?"

"Key? What is a key?"

"How do you control who has access?"

"The computer identifies the person and allows or disallows them to open the door."

"So, who has access to the room?"

"The hotel staff, of course."

"Of course."

"Daniel Butler."

"Ooooh Daniel Butler!"

"Do you know him?"


"He was the previous companion of Mable."

"Ooooh *that* Daniel Butler!"

"So you do know him!"


"There may be some various others."

"Why would there be so many allowed entry? Come to think of it, why would Daniel Butler have access?"

"He was an expert on Mable. He needed to make sure she was getting along well. Access is so easy to grant."

I thanked Manny, asked again about sandwiches, and decided to schedule an appointment with Daniel Butler after I got myself another sandwich.

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The Theocratic States of America

Part Two

By Dwayne MacInnes

The first years of the Theocratic States of America were fraught with the struggle between good and evil. It was during these years that many threats hidden for centuries came to light. Fortunately, the first Prophet had the Lord on his side to help him weather and defeat these dangers.

The economy nearly collapsed as it had done nearly a decade before. However, with the new work camps in place all over the nation, production of material goods exploded. The financiers of the Prophet's economic plan found God's favor as their own wealth also exploded.

To further help the growth of the new nation's economy the Prophet in his divine wisdom slashed the big burden of the wealthy, namely taxes. The favored, as the wealthy are now called, found more help from the Prophet with his ordaining that the middleclass (the select) become more self-sufficient. Thus, this group would have to pay for their own healthcare and for their own retirement to name two burdens. For those few who were able to transcend the barrier between the select and favored statuses, they were truly on the path of God. There was much rejoicing amongst the Godly people.

However, there were also a lot of lamentations amongst those of the select who now found that they were being punished by the Lord for their sins. These found themselves amongst the poor (called the lost). As the population of the lost grew and many threatened violence, the Prophet again acted in wisdom and speed. He moved the lost into segregated communities away from the favored and select. Many came to be housed in the ruins of the cities they had burned the decade before during the riots of the depression years. These new cities were soon the sites of many work camps and farms. The city security forces were able to monitor the lost with tracking devices implanted deeply inside their skulls.

However, it came to be that not all of the wealthy were the favored. Satan had hidden many of his own servants amongst the righteous. Those who would not come to Christ and follow the path laid down by the Prophet, found themselves stripped of their wealth and given the choice of reeducation, prison, or the work camps. No matter the incentives or proofs given to some of the unenlightened, they refused to acknowledge the living God. The damned is the title that refers to these unfortunate people, for they are beyond the grace of God and must spend the rest of their miserable life in the work camps.

As all this was happening, further seeds planted by Satan throughout the centuries sprouted. Many of the so-called mainstream Christian religions protested and fought for the rights of the select, lost, and even the damned. The Prince of Darkness had surely woven his own designs into these faiths during their foundations.

Once more the Prophet came to the rescue of the faithful. All who called themselves Catholic, Lutheran, Methodist, Episcopalian, Protestant, etc. were given the choice again of reeducation, prison, or the work camps. It was further proof of God's happiness. After all, as the work camps grew in number and strength, so did the wealth of the nation and the favored.

These events and the first Prophet's responses are all part of the Great Cleansing that swept the TSA in its early years. As the revelations of Satan's servants and his plans came to the first Prophet's knowledge, Prophet Thom had a vision. The vision revealed the true cunning of Satan, for the source of all the corruption laid amongst the very pages of the Holy Bible. With the hand of God as his guide, the Prophet rewrote the Holy Bible into the Prophetic Bible. No longer were there teachings for helping the select, lost, or damned. Nor were there condemnation of the favored. It had taken over two-thousand years after the death of Christ for the first true teachings to reach the printed page.

If the root of Satan's evil could manifest itself in something as sacred as the Holy Bible it certainly resided elsewhere. Great pyres burned across the land to consume any objectionable literary, artistic or other media works. Such heretical documents like ‘The Constitution of the United States' or ‘Magna Carta' burned in the Holy Flames. Anyone found having in his or her possession any forbidden material would face immediate execution.

The first Prophet also saw the restructuring of the sciences. Many heretical scientific theories, like evolution, were obviously the product of Satan and therefore to follow them further would only lead to damnation. In addition, other sciences are the will of God, particularly those that promoted a strong military.

Alas, like Moses before him Prophet Thom did not live to see the fruition of his toils. An assassin hidden deep amongst the ranks of the favored and a close companion of the Prophet gave Prophet Thom a higher rank, that of Martyr Thom. Historians speculate that the assassin, whose name shall never find its way on the printed page, killed Prophet Thom in order to take over the nation. Fortunately, the faithful amongst the favored dashed the assassin of his dreams and sent him back to Satan.

By the blessing of the Most High, did a second Prophet arise from the order of the favored. Even though Prophet Thom had laid the foundation of the Theocratic States of America there was still much work to do.

The same depression that had gripped the United States of America had also spread across the world. There was not a single nation spared from the economic collapse. It was so immense that nearly every bank across the globe failed. Many nations tried to rise up from the ashes of the old world like the United States did but few succeeded.

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This picture has been floating around for a while, but it is a favorite of a loyal reader of this blog. Thus, I thought I would post it for Friday fun. Here is the 1954 view of the home computer of 2004. They were so close it is scary!

1954 Version of the Computer Of 2004

Click on the picture for a larger version.

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The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter Three

By Douglas E. Gogerty

Daniel Butler was a human. He could be described as average in every way. He was of average height and weight. He had the usual pink hair like so many Earthlings. I guess it helped him blend in with the rest. His pale lavender skin also helped him in his business affairs as it was the most common color. He was an average Joe.

When I arrived at Daniel's office, he was busy cleaning it. It looked like two enormous birds had a wrestling match in it. Things were knocked over. There were feathers all over. It was quite a mess. I wonder how it happened.

"What can I do for you wingtip?" asked Mr. Butler

"I've come about -- Mable. Is this a bad time?"

"No it is all right. Someone broke in and ransacked the place. Whoever it was let out some animals to cover their tracks."

"Ummmm -- are all the animals back in place?" I asked with probably a lot of worry on my face.

"Yes. I could have been in big trouble, but the pair of birds ended up fighting over a sandwich."

"Birds? Sandwich?"

"Not to bore you with my troubles, but a customer of mine requested a pair of -- er -- rare birds from Earth. These birds were released, and got out of the door some how. However, instead of causing me and others lots of problems, they found a sandwich to fight over. Perhaps one of the perpetrators dropped it on the way out. So, Mable?" Daniel asked to change the subject.

I had trouble bringing my mind back to the task at hand; however, I replied, "Who?"

"You mentioned the name Mable."

"I did? Oh yes, Mable. Where is she?"

"Who is Mable?"

"Mable is a Maltese blue tit -- er -- uh -- Maltese sparrow."

He seemed to not notice my slip and asked, "What?"

"A Maltese sparrow! Yeah, that is what I said -- a Maltese sparrow."

"What do you know about Maltese blue tits?"

"Only that they now rule the earth and make it completely inhabitable by humans and if a breeding pair were released on some planet it could be taken over by them eventually chasing that population away and thus would be a useful item to smuggle...."

He seemed to not notice my rambling and asked, "What?"

"Nothing!" I replied with the most innocent face I could muster. "I don't know anything about them."

"Well played wingtip. What do you want?"

"Information. I want information on Mable."

"A Maltese sparrow named Mable?"

"Yes. She is owned by my client -- she's a Larsentient if that helps."

"We are not talking about some sort of jewel encrusted bird coated in an enamel to hide the fact that it is very valuable are we?"

"No, it is an actual living bird from earth. Here is a picture."

"Oh! it is actually a *living* bird," Daniel stated.

"Yes, Mable is a bird."

"I have not sold any birds recently, but I can check my records."

Mr. Butler looked around the disarray of an office. He looked and looked, but was unable to locate what he was looking for. Eventually he replied, "Well it appears that someone took those records."

"So, you don't have any information about a Larsentient that you sold a Maltese sparrow to, but that you would frequently visit and have free access to her apartment."

"Oh! Maxine," he replied all innocently.

"The identity of my client is confidential," I replied as a stern warning.

"Oh sorry. She named the bird Mable?"

"That is indeed the Maltese sparrow's name."

"While I have no records of the sale of the sparrow in question, if it is the Larsentient that I am thinking of, the sparrow was a gift."

"Do you go around giving away such valuable birds?"

"I do -- to individuals I am involved with."


"I like the cut of her jib."

"What are you talking about?"

"Do I have to spell it out?"

"Ummm -- yeah."

"We have had relations."


"Zounds man! Are you daft?"

"I'm still not getting anything."

"Maxine and I have been known to engage in sexual intercourse."

"Whose Maxine?"

"Your client..."

"Wait, you're having sex with a bird?"

"No! The bird's owner."

"And the bird doesn't mind you cheating on her?"

"Okay wingtip, let me spell it out for you."

"I wish you would."

"I met Maxine about a year ago at Rick's Café Américain. I was meeting some clients there, and she was out with some friends of hers. After I finished my business, I sat at the bar to wet my whistle. She walked up to me and she asked me to dance. I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said..."

"Wet your whistle?" I interupted.

"I ordered a drink."

"Oh! You ordered a drink. Why didn't you say so?"

"In any event, we hit it off pretty well. After that meeting, we went on several dates and have been intimate on numerous occasions. Her birthday was a few weeks ago, and for her birthday I gave her the Maltese sparrow in question."


"We had sex."

"You mean you and Maxine were in a relationship?"

"Are! We are in a relationship, and as far as I know it is going pretty well."

"You are in a relationship with a bird?"

"Maxine is the Larsentient, and Mable is the bird."


"And I am in a relationship with the Larsentient. The bird was a gift."


"And the bird is missing?"


"Then perhaps she has other suiters that are jealous of me. Perhaps one of them is involved."

"Birds can get jealous?"

"No! You are exasperating sometimes! Maxine -- the Larsentient -- could have jealous suiters."

"And they could have taken the bird in spite."


"Do you have direct knowledge of this?"

"It is just a theory that you can look into," he replied.

"Are you a private investigator?"

"No, but I..."

"Then leave the theorizing to the professionals. I'll take my leave of you now."

I left his office to allow him to continue to clean up. He seemed awfully confused, so it appeared that my interview with him may have been a waste of time. It was time to get back to my office and think about dinner.

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Theocratic States of America

Part Three

By Dwayne MacInnes

Only by the will of God did the rise of the Theocratic States of America occur as the rest of the globe's governments failed. The first Prophet in his divine wisdom had sent missionaries across the globe to spread the Word. Many people found encouragement with the teachings of the Prophet. Others martyred the missionaries, raising them onto Sainthood.

So, it fell upon the second and third Prophets to continue Prophet Thom's great work. As the world fell deeper into turmoil and despair, the words of the first Prophet began to take root. The message spread and many nations arose like the mythical Phoenix from the ashes of the old world to a new enlightened world.

However, not every nation wanted to follow the true path. Those nations became increasing fearful and resentful of the TSA. They claimed that the TSA was in the midst of another dark age. However, in truth, the TSA sparked a new age of religious enlightenment. In another desperate attack, Satan spurred these heretical nations to start a great nuclear holocaust and World War III consumed great portions of the globe.

Fortunately, for the Theocratic States, it had inherited the satellite and missile defense grid from the old United States of America. Not a single nuclear missile found its way to the North American continent. Sadly, many of the TSA's new allies were not as fortunate.

However, those nations in Western Europe remained relatively untouched for they were under the TSA's defense umbrella, those outside it paid dearly. The TSA's own nuclear arsenal eradicated many hostile and evil nations. However, for fear of harming its neighbors, the Theocratic States sent its Christian armies on a crusade against those nations too close for the safe use of nuclear arms.

Nations resistant to the true word were conquered and put to the sword. Country's that harbored such heretical beliefs like Italy, Israel, Saudi Arabia, and India all fell to the combined use of modern military tactics and nuclear weapons.

Now, these victories did not come without a price. But, those TSA soldiers who fell in combat will find themselves seated next to Jesus and the Prophet in Heaven. For those who opposed the Holy Army, they will find themselves experiencing eternal torment and damnation.

These wars lasted many generations. As further proofs of the Lords approval, the war increased the wealth of the TSA and the favored. It became law that none of the favored could serve in the military. However, the select could be officers and the mandatory conscription of the lost built a large and formidable army. The fourth Prophet ordained that any of the lost or select who fell in combat would find themselves in elevated status in Heaven.

So, it came to be that nation after nation came to follow the TSA's example and the word of the Prophet took hold among these new nations. Those nations that did not submit to the will of the Lord felt His wrath. Therefore, much of the Middle East, Asia, and parts of Eastern Europe are uninhabitable wastelands to this very day.

It was the fifth Prophet who had the vision that the education of the lost and damned should be limited to the study of the Prophetic Bible. Thusly, through this they may find redemption in Heaven.

Satan in a final act of retaliation, decided to corrupt the Earth. Deserts expanded overtaking once lush and fertile lands. Mass extinction of wildlife abounded as natural habitats dwindled. Icecaps melted threatening the coastal areas of the world.

However, the Lord through the fifth Prophet revealed that a great wealth of natural resources like coal, oil, and uranium lay open on these once enclosed lands. The favored were able to live in lush lifestyle ordained by the Most High in the center of the great domed cities, like the capitol, Holy City. The select were able to live in modest dwellings in the suburbs under the domes.

The lost and the damned continued to work in the exposed world as punishment for their sins. It is obviously God's will for no matter how many of the lost and the damned die there are always a greater number to take their place.

Now, it was during the reign of the sixth Prophet that a revelation...

* * * * *

The woman wearing the camouflage armor of an enlisted personnel tossed the document into the flames of the burning ruins of the Prophet's House. By the flickering light of the fires burning around Holy City the soldier checked the clip of her pulse plasma-rifle. The other soldiers belonging to the order of the lost had risen this night in revolt. Their plasma-rifles flashed in pulses as they fought the few remaining ill-armed security forces of the ruined domed city. The rebellion was well coordinated and the same scene played itself out across the globe.

"Sure," the soldier thought, "They forbade us to learn. But, they did not know we kept a secret trove of books spared from the Great Cleansing. They wouldn't teach us so we taught ourselves and tonight two-hundred years of oppression ends."

The End

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It is the day after Thanksgiving, but how could I post Friday Fun on a Thursday? In any event, here is a blast from the past! It is one of the finest moments in Thanksgiving Day special-type episodes. I bring you "Turkey's Away". Enjoy!

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The Maltese Sparrow

Chapter Four

By Douglas E. Gogerty

I left Daniel's workplace and grabbed another wingtip to my office's tube. I had a bit to digest. This case started like so many -- lots of unanswered questions and leads that led nowhere. Thus, it was not new territory.

What was new was the shape of my office when I returned. It looked like two enormous birds fought over a sandwich in it. Was this case nothing but a wild sparrow chase to get me out of my office? There was plenty Maxine did not tell me. She never mentioned that her and Daniel Butler were in a relationship. What would she want out of my office?

I began straightening the place up. I had it mostly presentable when I noticed something out of the ordinary. There was a body in my office. I would say it was a dead body, but that seems redundant to me. Nevertheless, it was a body, it was dead, and it was in my office. I guess it is cold to keep referring to the body as it. It was a Larsentient male. His eyes were closed -- wait his eyes were down there -- they were closed now.

I had to decide what to do. I had a pretty good alibi -- if Daniel Butler would back up my story. That could be a big if after I thought about it. Perhaps I should not call the police. What if that is what the perpetrators wanted? Maybe they were counting on me to dispose of the body. There were lots of unanswered questions; such as, who was this guy?

Thus, I called the police. They sent over a detective. Detective Weston D'Cheuer was the type of guy who, in a tough situation, would back you up by running away. You would have to face the bikers by yourself. At least, that was the impression I got.

"How do you know the deceased?" asked Detective D'Cheuer.

"I don't," I replied.

"Do you often let strangers into your office?"

"It is a place of business. Strangers come in all the time."

"Do they come in and die on a regular basis too?"

"It is a rare occasion."

"The place looks awfully tidy for any type of struggle."

"I cleaned up the place before I noticed him."

"For a detective, you're not very observant."

"It is not everyday someone leaves a dead body in my office."

"Let me get this straight. Your statement is that two people entered your office, fought, and the alive one left and the dead one stayed behind. When you returned, you straightened up and eventually noticed the body. At that point you called the police."

"That sums it up nicely."

"It is rather hard to believe."

"So is your ability to rise to the rank of detective."

"Oh! So, you're a smart guy. I should take you in for that."

"But, you do not have any evidence that I committed a crime, so you're kind of stuck."

"Listen, I know how to do my job. I don't need any guff from some wingtip."

"You'll take the guff and like it!"

"Okay, I'll take it, but I won't like it."

"Now, are you going to get this guy out of here?"

"The coroner will be along shortly. Is there anything you would like to add to your fantastic story?"


"I hope I get enough evidence to stick this one on you."

"Good luck with that. Let me know if you find out anything."

"Don't hold your breath."

"You're right! What was I thinking? You couldn't find your own shadow -- let alone a murderer."

"Funny man! I should get your license revoked."

That was the usual type of conversation between private and public detectives. It was just a lot of friendly banter. Now we could both get down to business. I had to go see Maxine to fill in some holes, and the detective had to follow his own leads for his case. Most likely, our paths would intersect again.

However, before I find Maxine, it was time to find another sandwich or some other type of food. Dealing with the police is time consuming work, and it had been hours since I last ate.

Fortunately for me, Manny, a staff member at Maxine's hotel, had not spoken to anyone else. Thus, the kitchen was willing to give me a sandwich before going to Maxine's room. I made my way up to her room and knocked. I waited for several minutes with no answer.

I tried the door and it let me in. Was there no security at all in this place? Did she not even enable her security? It is no wonder that things went missing.

I briefly pondered this when I noticed that her place looked like two enormous birds fought over a sandwich in it. I then remember Manny remarking how sloppy she was. That is when I spotted the enormous Maltese blue tits looking greedily at me.

For being on planet illegally, that pair got around pretty good. Their piercing tweets could only mean one thing. They wanted to eat me -- or my sandwich. I thought for a couple of seconds. I reluctantly threw them my sandwich as I ran from the room. Fortunately for me and everyone else on the planet, I remembered to close the door behind me.

This case was getting stranger by the moment. With enormous blue tits attacking people for sandwiches and missing sentient sparrows, what could happen next? It's time like those that I regret thoughts like that. After all, that is when things go from bad to worse. Worse being, in this case, Detective D'Cheuer walking down the hallway.

"What are you doing here?" I asked nonchalantly.

"What are you doing here?" he replied with a bit more emphasis.

"I asked you first."

"Well if you must know, I'm here on that murder case involving you. I cannot discuss it. Now you."

"Ditto," I replied but tried to side track him. "Would you like to go get a sandwich? I'm so hungry I could eat a 6 foot killer bird."

"Were you not listening? I am on a case."

"I just thought you might want to talk about it."

"With you? Wait. What are you hiding?"

"Hiding? Me? Why would I hide anything?"

"Is there a dead body involved?"

"No! No. Of course not. No. Never."

"Oh, just giant killer birds?"

"Yes -- I mean no -- I mean -- where did the topic of giant birds come from?"

"In Maxine's room?"

"Yes -- I mean no -- I mean -- who is Maxine?"

"I will check it out."

"I don't know where they got that sandwich," I said as he walked down the hall.

The detective opened the door, and the room was empty. It still looked like two enormous birds fought over a sandwich in it, but other than that it was empty.

"Where is Maxine?" asked the police detective.

"Your guess is good as mine. Can we get that sandwich now?"

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Recent Comments

  • Douglas Gogerty: Thanks for the kind words Kerry. I too am very read more
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