The Maltese Sparrow

"Bare with me now," I told everyone gathered in Maxine's room. "It is very important that we accept the idea that Mable was sentient to arrive at the proper solution."

"If we have to accept this," muttered Detective D'Cheuer "then perhaps the solution is wrong."

"I said bare with me, and it will all become clear as to what occurred in the investigation of this case," I repeated.

"Where is my Mable?" asked Maxine.

"I will get to that in time," I assured Maxine. "It is just one piece in this puzzle of a case."

"I'm outta here if'n dare ain't gonna be no strippers!" explained the security guard.

"Currently, they are caught in traffic," I lied. "They'll be along shortly. I hope you like Chippendales..."

"I don't really care for chipmunks," muttered the security guard as he sat back down.

"I do not have to stand for this!" stated Manny boldly.

"Then by all means, sit down," I stated even more boldly with an icy stare to go with it. "You are not going anywhere."

"Let him continue," insisted Detective D'Cheuer.

"Are these disruptions out of your collective systems?" I asked. "Can I continue? To use an old earth phrase, this all began when the Maltese Sparrow flew the coop."

"He means the bird went missing," explained the police detective.

"Right!" I added. "That is when I was hired to find her -- the bird that is. However, this particular world may be small on a grand scheme of things, but it is still a big place. Further, the bird in question is quite small."

"And intelligent," interjected Detective D'Cheuer.

"Can I tell this?" I asked.

"Sorry. Please continue," he said with a flourish of his hands.

"Daniel Butler was going to be my first stop in my investigation, but his place was guarded by a pair of enormous monsters."

"Monsters?" everyone asked in unison.

"Maltese blue tits are a ferocious beasts that rule my home planet of earth," I explained.

"Is'n yous afraid of a little boid?" asked the security guard.

"These are two meter tall feathered fiends with razor sharp beaks that eat anything that they catch," I said defending myself.

"All's yous have ta do is trow dem a samwich," replied the security guard.

"I know that now," I replied. "However, these boids -- I mean -- birds provided a big clue. Daniel Butler was a smuggler. Moreover, he brought illegal birds onto this planet. This included the monsters and Maxine's friend Mable, for whom I was looking."

"And for that you killed him?" asked the police detective.

I just glared at Detective D'Cheuer, and he withdrew his question.

"Anyway... Since I was not going to get anything from Bulter's office, I went to Maxine's hotel to ask Manny here a few questions. He explained to me that the hotel did not allow pets -- only companions. He talked about how smart Mable was and how the two of them used to converse. He also informed me that lots of people came and went into Maxine's room. Thus, anyone could have taken the bird."

"That is not true!" protested Maxine.

"I know," I replied.

"His story was a lie," surmised Detective D'Cheuer. "He was covering something up."

"Exactly," I asserted. "It was quite early on the case, and I was already getting too close to the solution. However, that solution eluded me for quite some time."

"So, the man who died of bird flu in your office was a threat in order to get you off the case," asserted Detective D'Cheuer.

"Yes," I replied. "The Maltese blue tits are carriers of the lethal flu. It could have been easily obtained from these vicious birds and injected, ingested, or inhaled by the victim. However, that was not the only threat I received. There was also this note."

"Let me see that," demanded the policeman.

I passed around the note for everyone to see. Like me, many had difficulty reading it. However, Manny did not even look at it.

"What does it say?" they asked.

"My guess is Stop the Investigation."

"Oh! I thought it said, Slap me in a vest you gator," replied Detective D'Cheuer perhaps with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.

"I also received a call from our security guard here telling me to halt my investigation," I said as I pumped up my chest.

"Is that true?" asked Detective D'Cheuer.

"Who wants to know and why?" replied the security guard standing up.

"He does," I asserted bravely and pointed to the policeman.

"Who told you to make this call?" Detective D'Cheuer said in his best policeman's voice.

"A little birdie told me," replied the guard in his most feminine voice.

"That is what he told me! That could only mean Mable," in a triumphant voice I said to the doubtful detective.

"In other woids, I ain't tellin'," resumed the security guard.

"We have ways of making you talk," returned the policeman.

"I ain't afraid of yous copper!"

"What are you afraid of?" I asked. "Because, that would really help us out a lot."

"It is all right," Detective D'Cheuer said. "If we need that information, we can get it. This has been most enlightening -- please continue."

"In any event," I continued. "I was getting these threats of my life if I did not stop my investigation, but Maxine was pressing me to find her boid -- er -- bird."

"Do you think this explanation will get you out of your murder charge?" asked the detective.

"I am just saying that I was being threatened," I replied. "I assume that the poison in my food was an attempt on my life or simply another threat."

"And you expect me to believe that?" retorted the detective.

"You can ask Marty here," I replied. "He is the one who brought me my food."

"Okay Marty," the detective said as he turned to the waiter. "You have been awfully quiet. What do you have to say about this? Marty? Marty?"

Marty looked like the dead man in my office. After all, they were brothers. However, like his brother, he was also dead. It appeared we had another death from the bird flu. This case was hazardous to people's health.