Wil Wheaton and Scalzi of Johnstown
The Cursed Clown Sweater of Constitution
By Douglas E. Gogerty
John Scalzi and Wil Wheaton organized a Fan Fiction Contest to Benefit the Lupus Alliance of America. The target of this contest was to create a story which would describie the picture below. Naturally, I took part, and this is that story. Enjoy!
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who lived in the great kingdom of Maplevania. In this kingdom, there was a long-standing tradition of naming the first daughter after a great-grandmother of the parent's choosing. Sadly, because of the great plague of 4211, most of the first-born daughters had only two names to choose from -- Hortense and Dorcas. Thus, Princess Hortense was the loveliest child ever to carry that name.
In fact, Princess Hortense was, by far, the most lovely creature to ever inhabit the kingdom. Men (and even a few women) came from far and wide to court the lovely young lady. However, before the king could choose a suitable mate for his daughter, she was kidnapped. This was not an unusual occurrence in Maplevania as most citizens obtained their spouses through some form of capture. In fact, the beastly orc Scalzi of Johnstown obtained his lovely wife in this manner. We will get to him a little later.
The unusual circumstance around Princess Hortense was that the king actually sought to get his daughter back. He went so far as to offer a reward -- a cash reward. Furthermore, there were no aristocratic restrictions. Hence, any young adventurer who wished to take on the quest was allowed. He (or she) did not need to be member of the aristocracy.
Further, the possibility of marrying the most beautiful young woman was not out of the question; however, most likely just eternal gratitude from the saved princess was all that could be promised. However, just getting the attention of the most beautiful woman in the kingdom was not enough for most.
For months, there were no takers in the quest to bring back the princess. However, one day a bard and his company were entertaining at the castle. This particular bard spied crude paintings of the princess done by school age children. He was immediately smitten. When he heard of her plight, he decided to see if he could save her from the clutches of whatever villain.
After questioning the staff, one name kept arising. Nearly everyone in the castle believed that the great wizard Douglas abducted Princess Hortense. This wizard was once in the employ of the king. However, a few years ago they had a falling out.
Recently, some objects of this much-maligned wizard were discovered in the castle, and the king demanded that he come and retrieve them. Thus, he was in the castle at the time of the abduction. The wizard Douglas was the most likely suspect.
However, the wizard lived outside the kingdom in the land of Doomville. It was a dreadful place. The surrounding mountains would frequently erupt into massive lava flows. It was a dark and menacing place. It was just the kind of place evil wizards like to call home.
Thus, our heroic bard, Wil of Wheaton, decided to depart for the tower of the great wizard Douglas. However, it was a going to be a long journey and the bard decided he would obtain a party of adventurers. His fellow bards, Paul and Storm, volunteered to join him. However, Wil declined their invitation. After all, a party of bards was surly doomed to failure. Having a bard at all on an adventure was bad enough. The young bard needed adventurers. People with skills.
The only problem with gathering a group of individuals with skills was most of those with actual skills had jobs. Even if they did not have employment, they were generally intelligent enough not to go to a place called Doomville. At the very least, anyone willing to go on such a dangerous journey wanted to get paid. Money was not something a bard had in great abundance. Wil of Wheaton attempted to use his charm and charisma, but he rolled miserably. Thus, after a lengthy search of Maplevania, he only managed to get Savage Adam in his group.
While Savage Adam was a powerful wizard in his own right, no one believed that the two of them would be enough to take on the forces deployed from Doomville. However, no one else from the town would join them. Without being able to convince anyone else to join them, the small party began the arduous journey to Doomville. The pair hoped to pick up some additional adventurers on the way.
The two ended up in Johnstown. While this small village is kind of between Maplevania and Doomville, it is well out of the way. The only reason the two men went there was their propensity for getting distracted by shiny things and cool things they could blow up. They ended up leaving the main road and getting lost.
The pair should have stuck to the main road. Just about anything an adventuring party would need could be found along that route. After all, the only thing Wil of Wheaton had with him was a staff. His armor consisted of a pair of blue shorts and a witty t-shirt. Savage Adam needed very little. After all, he could use a couple of sticks, some dirt, a few choice plants, and some spit to make an impressive explosion. Nonetheless, if trouble arose, they could find themselves in great distress.
As they entered the village, they were confronted by the orc Scalzi of Johnstown. Now, Scalzi was once a kind and gentle creature (for an orc anyway.) However, when his wife and child disappeared, he had grown quite cantankerous. This was the wife we alluded to earlier. The great orc had no hope of doing any better than her. Thus, he was gruff to anyone who stumbled into Johnstown.
Having eaten all of the residents of Johnstown, Scalzi the Orc was not someone a Bard and Wizard should take on alone. This was particularly true with how Wil was equipped. However, what were they to do? They had not been able to recruit any additional people.
Savage Adam made some things explode. This distracted Scalzi enough for Wil to break out his secret weapon. Well, his secret weapon was telling the story about the time he worked with the world-renowned actor Sir Patrick of Stewart. He explained that at the time they worked together he had a fancier cart than Sir Patrick. The story had the desired effect of confusing Scalzi further. In his confusion, a falcon flying overhead also distracted Savage Adam. Hence, the adventuring party inflicted no damage to Scalzi.
Thus, Scalzi could have taken his axe of smiting and chopped the two adventurers into little pieces. Instead, the mighty fighter decided to join the sad duo in their adventure. The distracting tactics would work well to give Scalzi an opportunity to chop whatever they were confronting into little pieces. This, the orc thought, would make the trip a bunch of fun. After all, to an orc, Doomville sounds like the place to be.
Before they would go any further, Scalzi believed that Wil should have better equipment. Thus, Wil obtained a spear of stabbing from Scalzi who obtained it from some adventurer he had eaten. Sadly, there was no decent armor to be had. However, Scalzi knew of a stash of arcane magic items that could be obtained not far from Johnstown.
The party entered the strange and mystical town of Minneapple. However, they did not have any money to purchase items. As any bard would do in this situation, a show was organized. It was scheduled to last for 3 hours, but so much fun was had that, it lasted for five. Even Scalzi performed. After the show was finished, they had managed to raise three copper pieces.
However, a longtime fan of Wil's gave him a present (in exchange for his witty t-shirt.) The fan gave strict instructions that the present was not to be opened inside the town's borders. If it were, it would inflict a curse upon the recipient. The fan did ensure Wil that the item would protect him with its magical properties. Needless to say, Wil wanted to open the present immediately. He did not want to wait.
In his way was Savage Adam. His bloody nose notwithstanding, Adam did not wish to leave. The wizard fell in love with the town. This put great strain on Wil, who could not stand the suspense of the unopened gift. Adam could not be moved. The pair argued, but Adam refused to budge. Wil begged and pleaded to no avail.
Wil explained that they would not make it over the mountains without Adam's help. Thus, Adam conjured up a mount for the pair. It was supposed to be a pegasus for them to ride above the clouds. However, a last minute distraction altered the spell. Thus, Savage Adam conjured up a unicorn pegasus kitten as their mount.
Wil of Wheaton and Scalzi of Johnstown bid a fond farewell to Savage Adam as the flew off on their unicorn pegasus kitten towards Doomville. Wil was once again unable to procure more help, even for three copper pieces.
The flight over the mountains to Doomville was uneventful. The pair of adventurers landed just outside of the city limits. Scalzi immediately dismounted the mighty steed. However, Wil remained on the unicorn pegasus kitten, and there Wil opened up his gift. To his surprise, it was the Cursed Clown Sweater of Constitution. It was such a thoughtful gift, that Wil immediately put it on.
Immediately, Scalzi noticed a change in Wil. It was as if the affable Wil had become an evil twin. With the beard, no one could notice if a goatee had magically appeared on Wil's face. Suddenly, Wil wanted the princess all to himself. He would let nothing stand in his way -- not even his orc friend. The two began arguing. This quickly escalated into actual combat. Immediately, Scalzi knew that Wil had opened the present early, and received the curse of the garment. However, the only thing he could do was fight the enraged bard who was wearing the clown sweater and riding the unicorn pegasus kitten.
Meanwhile, Princess Hortense and the great wizard Douglas held a quiet civil marriage ceremony at the Doomville city hall. The reception was held at the Doomville Ski Resort and Lodge, which had a great view of the surrounding erupting mountains. This event will be remembered forever afterwards for the spectacle of the orc and bard fighting. In fact, Douglas and Hortense commissioned a painting of the fight. It now hangs in a place of honor in the happy couple's tower. No one knows what happened to the combatants; but naturally, Douglas and Hortense lived happily ever after.