Poems

when you are so full
about to burst
at what point does
going too far
become an acceptable
way to explode

this cigarette burns
flirting flames taunting
all i can think of
is to thrust the end
into my flesh and cry

there is no means
to achieve this end
i have been craving
i've been moving so fast
i cannot catch my mind

here go my thoughts
out to that irresistible edge
walk to these steps
with only the motive
of falling

this other intense edge
calls from the kitchen
feet following without
any protocol but want
must slit to expand

this is my blood
dripping down my leg
self inflicted
see my essence flow
separate from its constriction

this is the unavoidable
the culmination of all
my world attempting
to fill the rest
smear these thoughts on walls

there is no reason
for this unreasonable desire
i feel it everywhere
my heart can fly
its insides instantly free

my cigarette has burned low
and my impulses
temporarily abandoned
but because i lust
i light up again
bring knives and fire

Posted by Jessica Englund at 06:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i'm almost there
just about to
let someone else in
but i cannot seem
to release these demons
that haunt my every turn

what do you want
just take what you need
and leave me be
i want nothing more
than to sit and cradle
my broken pieces

these futile attempts
to bring it all back
with super glue
and imagination
one of these days
i will understand
what happened and
why i cannot go back
to the way things were

i don't miss it, you know

i'm staring out
the window again
allowing these chords
to flow through my veins
as i force myself
to imagine something
anything but this

what if i'm just fooling myself
what if this is all i want
all i need: to sit and write
observe worlds
and recreate their existences
in my own context

similar to recognizing
through the silhouettes
the way your body moves
you can claim that beauty
that is only yours
and realize what it is
that you really are
even through blurred vision

these fuzzy edges
that give such sincere dimension
to the unanswerable
questions filtering
amongst my thoughts
offering little guidance
and grand expanses

words have always been
my lovers
those that i can control
and submit to
humankind is my weakness
i cannot bend reality
around my phrases

take what you need
and leave me be

these demons hide
within the walls of my heart
waiting impatiently
for a slip in consciousness
to invade my processes
and attack my pulsations
pull me down into the past
and relive those emotions

take what you need
and leave me be

i have little desire
for these organs
here, take my tissues
atrophy these muscles
but leave my thoughts
and all my blood
for that is what keeps me woman
that which makes me attack
my own senses
deconstruct my synapses
and question my essense

paint me with these questions
and slit me red
you may find the answers
in the pools at my feet
sink your fingers
into this medium
and write me a love letter
on my kitchen floor

i have laid down everything
for what you request
sitting cross legged
six inches above my chair
i cannot tell you how
to interpret what you see
it must be something you
discover for yourself

what you see in me
is never what i think
this is the way it is
and will always be

i don't miss it, you know

take my body and bend it
to where you would desire
take these extensions of soul
and rewrite them to your will
i have never expected more
of these demons i've found
in everyone i see

there is nothing more to do
than give in to the masters
for as they commence
the process of annihilation
i turn to dust in their hands
and scatter in the wind

that is the retribution
of the self as phoenix
you are reborn into
that which the masters
cannot touch
bodies built of fire
and bleeding flames

i have moved far
from your reach
into the caste you will not destroy
we are the untouchables
recreating the beauty
you could never own
we flow freely
through these streets
hidden behind our status
but look closer, you see
we would burn your heart
through a single glance

take what you need
and leave me be
i want nothing more
than to sit and cradle
my broken pieces

there is little to connect
these philosophical
disturbances and the continuity
of my delicate emotions
confusion has led me
to such an impasse
i cannot contemplate tonight
these queries of reality
versus my twisted illusions

Posted by Jessica Englund at 02:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

why does the rain have this effect on me? the day goes cloudy and opens up to drown me in my own emotions. sunny days bring merely bad tastes and sweat. days like these intoxicate me to a point of no return as my whole body tingles with these thoughts. bring me closer to myself and allow me to know what happens. i have never been gifted to know what will, but i hope to understand why or how for now. what will be will come and now could not be more relevant. i know that i can fly up and get lost in the wind. take me higher, let me forget these mistakes and worldly nonsense. these are the days that make me forget why i do what i do. i cannot remember why i study or why anything matters. i could stare out windows and into my soul for hours. the view is unimportant, if you look closely enough, you can follow the drops to the ground and se where they become one with your reality. what more could you want from a day? allow the sky to open up and pour down all that you needed to release. go ahead and cry, you are no better than that grand expanse. go ahead and feel, it will do you more good than you know. as i sit, the book i've been staring at wrinkles at the corners where my tears have fallen. i look at the pages, at the way they bend with my emotion. even such concrete words are malleable on such a day as this. i want merely to hold my tea closer and allow it to absorb through my skin and spread its warmth through my veins. it may be true that i've fallen in love with all that i cannot have. on these days, i revel in that love and wear it across my body as if i have love returned. the more you feel on days such as these, the more you know who you are. i plan to spend every rainy day learning what goddess wishes me to know. bring wisdom and sensation.

Posted by Jessica Englund at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

why are you so intoxicating
that i become drunk of
rage and curiosity
and no matter the need
to look away from your façade
i find that i've been staring

damnit now i'm blushing
i've led you on again
and by now you'd think
you would understand
i'm just not interested
you have surpassed my limits
and on those i do not waver

don't make me say no again
there is no other option, yes
merely the negative
in its own glory of disappointment
i revel in those moments
shining brighter every time

i have been passively searching
for quite some time
my lack of aggressivity
demonstrates my love of the hunt
rather than the kill
i am not interested in spoils
merely the journey to nowhere

but how do you explain
your own irrationalities
to such a rational hope
their need to be found
when you want to just look
roll your eyes and suspend
your obligation to be nice

what on earth could you
possibly need from me
i am the last one to follow
in a time of distress
i will continue to tread
that path i laid for myself
regardless of your plans

it's funny i guess
how little i think of myself
and yet my ego seems
to continually expand
maybe i think that i'm
better than you but
everyone is better than me

i wonder why no one believes me
that i really wouldn't want it
any other way: alone
i don't want to wake up
and see someone else
i don't want to come home
to greet a stranger
i don't want to skip ten years
and become a mother

i like things the way
i've created them
my own space
and my own terms
i don't see
whats wrong with that

so take your intoxicating eyes
and your swaggering ego
and leave me to me
because i don't want to know you
and you will never understand
who i truly am

these little coordinated ideas
will not offer you insight
it is my projected self
and merely a puzzle piece
i have left the others
scattered around my world
hidden in my mistakes
and my successes

how do you gather
the diverse and
randomly scattered
aspects of your being
together,
a multiplicity of
colors, sounds, and shapes,
in order to present
the illusion
of your whole self?

Posted by Jessica Englund at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am creating winter
through expressions and cardigans
hoping somehow to bring seasons
faster than goddess wills

I yearn for the sadness
of cold weather and sweaters
wavy hair and fallen leaves
oh to hear their death
beneath my shoes

I miss curling up in blankets
drinking tea to warm my blood
reading books to exercise my thoughts
creating poetry in looks
and wondering at the wind

the room swirls with my
favorite music
intricate sounds infiltrating
my lonliness
lifting me to a familiar comfort

I miss looking up at the moon
determining my mood
growing closer to myself
learning more everyday as
I hug my body into warmth

as fall fades into winter
that is my time, know me then
the blandness of my appearance
are forgiven by the depth of
my character

my hair grows long and unkempt
continuously covered neck to toes
many days without makeup or a purse
just my bus card, a book with five dollars
tucked in the pages for a cup of coffee

you can find me on the second floor
staring out the window
watching the worlds walk by
wanting to know them
then sitting back and sipping
some lonliness and I'm comforted

I am creating winter
through expressions and cardigans
hoping somehow to bring seasons
faster than goddess wills

Posted by Jessica Englund at 07:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have missed words like
a woman misses the moon.
She does not realize the
impact of the vacant sky
until the marvelous orb
graces the darkness once again.
Bring sensuality and mystery.

Posted by Jessica Englund at 08:50 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

books are like rugs as
poetry are the weaves
stories run in and
amongst each other
creating delicate
labyrinths of a message
like a love note tucked
in the folds of sheets
the tone of discovery molded
by all circumstances

Posted by Jessica Englund at 08:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

this bench is hard and my back is beginning to feel the strains of sitting and searching for so long. i wish i had a pen and paper to document what i feel, this room and its holdings. these are the people who bypass me and my predetermined insignificance. here you will find just one mistake of mine, but give it time and these old but intensely remembered mistakes will gather to taunt me, draw me. they never knew me, these mistakes of mine. i don't blame them, the fault is entirely my own. as my mistakes filter through the walls and wander around the room, each triggers different but no less complete sets of emotion. the one you see to your left is brightly colored, an exotic bird. these bright colors flash much like a neon sign attempting to bring me near and seduce me into - how long? - two years ago. i know i've been spotted, but the only way to avoid temptation is to deny its existence and power. my gaze ascends to another mistake writhing, waiting for recognition. this one is easy to ignore and no longer threatens. i had tried very hard to make this mistake and i refuse to be so foolish again. before i turn around i can feel the most comfortable lethal decisions creep up and envelope me in a gauzy illusion smelling sharply of fierce cologne and entrancing beauty. this mistake had hypnotized my will and i walked the plank of my own passion. manipulation is hard to see. sometimes it is like love or friendship, you cannot see it, only feel it. sometimes its sweet and enticing like ripe fruit, flesh falling away, begging to be stripped and enjoyed. sometimes its hard and forceful like a brick wall. your skin may be made of steel, but these high speed stakes make it malleable. i was strong enough to keep from breaking, although like any injury, my skin holds the scars: memories of pain, remembrances of healing and strength. and as i close my eyes, these mistakes disappear and the song of my soul overpowers everything else. so here i stand. pulsating to the beat of my blood and slowly swaying to the song. when i finally look up, i see no one. my imaginations have dissipated and only my truth remain.

Posted by Jessica Englund at 08:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I promise to maintain my mystery.
I promise to always love you.
I promise to never stop looking at you - to understand every nuance of your being.
I promise to never change my name or compromise my beliefs.
I promise to never stop learning or seeking a greater understanding.
I promise to give you pleasure and happiness within my every grasp.
I promise to always look for you.
I promise to always search for beauty in life and share it with you.
I promise to write you love letters and put poems in your pockets.
I promise to make you cry for all the right reasons.
I promise to always admit when I'm wrong.
I promise to embrace memories and years rather than avoid them.
I promise to kiss every inch of your body.
And I promise to accept you. All of you.
Because its you; my counterpart.

Posted by Jessica Englund at 08:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

holy fucking shit
i think i might
finally be over you
what happened
did this just
magically occur
unbeknownst to me
i'm only the one
it affects the most
you'd think it
would've been sooner
since you threw
me around
lied about anything
pushed me down
pulled me out
ignored my words
misread my actions
and my silences
told me what to think
molded my behavior
to mimic your own
as if that wasn't
entirely narcissistic
you love yourself
and no one else
despite what you say
or what you do
regardless of how
you treated me
i no longer want
to invade your home
and slit you silently
in your sleep
i no longer want
to get my girls
and tack a list
of grievances
on your front door
all things you did
to hurt a woman
i no longer want
to force you out
of your closet
your favorite place
to hide from yourself
i no longer want
to fuck you into
submission
see how it feels
pull you out of your
skin and cut out
your beating black heart
see how it feels
i no longer go home
and only see your face
i suppose that must mean
holy fucking shit
i think i might
finally be over you
about god damned time

Posted by Jessica Englund at 07:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

take a picture, it'd last longer
i'm trying to find a photo
to fit my every mood
a visual depiction of my soul
for all who wish to see
perfection: impossible to obtain
yet always the ultimate goal
'i look fat in this one
that one's no good either
look how i'm smiling
i look so ridiculous'
i am well aware of
what you think of me
i discredit you for those thoughts
i bet you didn't know
that i have fooled you all
into thinking something other
than you believe i am
it's all an illusion
you're just scared to admit it
go ahead and keep thinking
you've got me all figured out
i'll keep fucking with your head
and use you some more
you see, the thing is,
i'm actually an awful person
i have no intentions for you
i refuse to feel bad for
anything that happened
however, i also refuse
to think about it any more
than a moment on the drive home
i'm such an angry woman
yes, its true, i'm one of those
i'm nice merely to get my way
i'm submissive and small
merely to make you think
that you have all the control
when in actuality i have you
wrapped around my finger
blinded by these illusions
of who i want you to think i am
my worst fault might be
my lack of good judgment
for that i apologize
i didn't have to drag you in so far
but i missed contact
(and i hate you for taking advantage)
now that i've received it
i can begin the process
of erasing and forgetting
and now i know why
i cannot find that perfect photo
there is no way to find a picture
that demonstrates my essence
when i am an illusion

Posted by Jessica Englund at 05:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

you cannot lay claim
to my art, my soul
merely because you
see yourself in me

Posted by Jessica Englund at 05:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

sudden clarity
through color
focus fades
mind wanders
what knowledge
slips away
like grasping smoke
don't blink
magic disappears
only eyes remain

Posted by Jessica Englund at 06:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i know i am not wise
yet somehow i seem to have
fooled everyone to think so
i know i am not pretty
of this i am quite certain
don't be fooled, however, for
i know that hidden beneath
this mediocre exterior is
beauty of great depth
if you wish to truly see it
look no further than my eyes
it is there that i keep my secrets
with all my hopes and dreams

there is something to be said
for those who can see
what it appears i cannot
but that doesn't mean
that i will believe you
or that i will even accept it
don't you worry, though
for i won't forget it

i sit surrounded by the words
and the pages i devour
without a second thought
for i'd rather be nowhere else
i sit with all of my emotions
displayed upon my sleeves
because i have yet to learn
to hide them behind my eyes
i sit encouraged by my creations
to push boundaries further
and remember that the past
does not define my future
i sit and inhale the fumes
from my cup of coffee
my counterpart, determined
to maintain my consciousness

perhaps wisdom is what comes
from a life dedicated
to knowledge and understanding
take care not to judge me
for my age or appearance
it may appear that i know more
than you give me credit for

Posted by Jessica Englund at 01:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i find myself awake
for fear of dreaming
even in my waking hours
i dread the thought of
his face; his body; his anger
there's no need to guess
i know he hates me

from day one i had
so many doubts and fears
but i pushed them aside
for the beauty in his eyes
the sweetness of his words
but when his honesty
became a mere illusion,
only my doubts remained
i suppose i should be grateful
for his last attempt
to answer every question
i'd ever asked of him
for they gave me the rage
and the reason to quit

any relationship that forms
its base on anything but
acceptance of truth
is doomed to fail
i ignored this simple fact
for far too long so that
when the end finally came
i was surprised by the power
of my own resentment

i never meant to hurt him
i'm not quite sure if i did
but i know he has added
a small scar to my collection
this entire journey was short
yet it lasted many months
of emotional turmoil
i've been told to change
alter myself or the things
i do and say as if he
hates me for one small thing
rather than everything
i am and believe
i am not the only hypocrite
but i hope he knows
how hard i tried
to find the balance between
standing my ground and
giving him all he wanted

i refuse to think i could
have done more to save this
i may not know what to do
what to say
how he feels
whether i made an impact
on his life or mind
but i do know that i won't
forget him, my third mistake

Posted by Jessica Englund at 08:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)