Poems

when you are so full
about to burst
at what point does
going too far
become an acceptable
way to explode

this cigarette burns
flirting flames taunting
all i can think of
is to thrust the end
into my flesh and cry

there is no means
to achieve this end
i have been craving
i've been moving so fast
i cannot catch my mind

here go my thoughts
out to that irresistible edge
walk to these steps
with only the motive
of falling

this other intense edge
calls from the kitchen
feet following without
any protocol but want
must slit to expand

this is my blood
dripping down my leg
self inflicted
see my essence flow
separate from its constriction

this is the unavoidable
the culmination of all
my world attempting
to fill the rest
smear these thoughts on walls

there is no reason
for this unreasonable desire
i feel it everywhere
my heart can fly
its insides instantly free

my cigarette has burned low
and my impulses
temporarily abandoned
but because i lust
i light up again
bring knives and fire

Posted by Jessica Englund at 06:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i'm almost there
just about to
let someone else in
but i cannot seem
to release these demons
that haunt my every turn

what do you want
just take what you need
and leave me be
i want nothing more
than to sit and cradle
my broken pieces

these futile attempts
to bring it all back
with super glue
and imagination
one of these days
i will understand
what happened and
why i cannot go back
to the way things were

i don't miss it, you know

i'm staring out
the window again
allowing these chords
to flow through my veins
as i force myself
to imagine something
anything but this

what if i'm just fooling myself
what if this is all i want
all i need: to sit and write
observe worlds
and recreate their existences
in my own context

similar to recognizing
through the silhouettes
the way your body moves
you can claim that beauty
that is only yours
and realize what it is
that you really are
even through blurred vision

these fuzzy edges
that give such sincere dimension
to the unanswerable
questions filtering
amongst my thoughts
offering little guidance
and grand expanses

words have always been
my lovers
those that i can control
and submit to
humankind is my weakness
i cannot bend reality
around my phrases

take what you need
and leave me be

these demons hide
within the walls of my heart
waiting impatiently
for a slip in consciousness
to invade my processes
and attack my pulsations
pull me down into the past
and relive those emotions

take what you need
and leave me be

i have little desire
for these organs
here, take my tissues
atrophy these muscles
but leave my thoughts
and all my blood
for that is what keeps me woman
that which makes me attack
my own senses
deconstruct my synapses
and question my essense

paint me with these questions
and slit me red
you may find the answers
in the pools at my feet
sink your fingers
into this medium
and write me a love letter
on my kitchen floor

i have laid down everything
for what you request
sitting cross legged
six inches above my chair
i cannot tell you how
to interpret what you see
it must be something you
discover for yourself

what you see in me
is never what i think
this is the way it is
and will always be

i don't miss it, you know

take my body and bend it
to where you would desire
take these extensions of soul
and rewrite them to your will
i have never expected more
of these demons i've found
in everyone i see

there is nothing more to do
than give in to the masters
for as they commence
the process of annihilation
i turn to dust in their hands
and scatter in the wind

that is the retribution
of the self as phoenix
you are reborn into
that which the masters
cannot touch
bodies built of fire
and bleeding flames

i have moved far
from your reach
into the caste you will not destroy
we are the untouchables
recreating the beauty
you could never own
we flow freely
through these streets
hidden behind our status
but look closer, you see
we would burn your heart
through a single glance

take what you need
and leave me be
i want nothing more
than to sit and cradle
my broken pieces

there is little to connect
these philosophical
disturbances and the continuity
of my delicate emotions
confusion has led me
to such an impasse
i cannot contemplate tonight
these queries of reality
versus my twisted illusions

Posted by Jessica Englund at 02:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

why does the rain have this effect on me? the day goes cloudy and opens up to drown me in my own emotions. sunny days bring merely bad tastes and sweat. days like these intoxicate me to a point of no return as my whole body tingles with these thoughts. bring me closer to myself and allow me to know what happens. i have never been gifted to know what will, but i hope to understand why or how for now. what will be will come and now could not be more relevant. i know that i can fly up and get lost in the wind. take me higher, let me forget these mistakes and worldly nonsense. these are the days that make me forget why i do what i do. i cannot remember why i study or why anything matters. i could stare out windows and into my soul for hours. the view is unimportant, if you look closely enough, you can follow the drops to the ground and se where they become one with your reality. what more could you want from a day? allow the sky to open up and pour down all that you needed to release. go ahead and cry, you are no better than that grand expanse. go ahead and feel, it will do you more good than you know. as i sit, the book i've been staring at wrinkles at the corners where my tears have fallen. i look at the pages, at the way they bend with my emotion. even such concrete words are malleable on such a day as this. i want merely to hold my tea closer and allow it to absorb through my skin and spread its warmth through my veins. it may be true that i've fallen in love with all that i cannot have. on these days, i revel in that love and wear it across my body as if i have love returned. the more you feel on days such as these, the more you know who you are. i plan to spend every rainy day learning what goddess wishes me to know. bring wisdom and sensation.

Posted by Jessica Englund at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

why are you so intoxicating
that i become drunk of
rage and curiosity
and no matter the need
to look away from your façade
i find that i've been staring

damnit now i'm blushing
i've led you on again
and by now you'd think
you would understand
i'm just not interested
you have surpassed my limits
and on those i do not waver

don't make me say no again
there is no other option, yes
merely the negative
in its own glory of disappointment
i revel in those moments
shining brighter every time

i have been passively searching
for quite some time
my lack of aggressivity
demonstrates my love of the hunt
rather than the kill
i am not interested in spoils
merely the journey to nowhere

but how do you explain
your own irrationalities
to such a rational hope
their need to be found
when you want to just look
roll your eyes and suspend
your obligation to be nice

what on earth could you
possibly need from me
i am the last one to follow
in a time of distress
i will continue to tread
that path i laid for myself
regardless of your plans

it's funny i guess
how little i think of myself
and yet my ego seems
to continually expand
maybe i think that i'm
better than you but
everyone is better than me

i wonder why no one believes me
that i really wouldn't want it
any other way: alone
i don't want to wake up
and see someone else
i don't want to come home
to greet a stranger
i don't want to skip ten years
and become a mother

i like things the way
i've created them
my own space
and my own terms
i don't see
whats wrong with that

so take your intoxicating eyes
and your swaggering ego
and leave me to me
because i don't want to know you
and you will never understand
who i truly am

these little coordinated ideas
will not offer you insight
it is my projected self
and merely a puzzle piece
i have left the others
scattered around my world
hidden in my mistakes
and my successes

how do you gather
the diverse and
randomly scattered
aspects of your being
together,
a multiplicity of
colors, sounds, and shapes,
in order to present
the illusion
of your whole self?

Posted by Jessica Englund at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)