Two years ago, on April 13th I went to go get coffee at Vera's with my friend Jer. We ended up running into this guy he knew and going off to a party with him. The guy like a good guy, but looks can be deceiving.
So we had a few drinks with this guy and his other friends at this one party, when we suddenly decided that we were going to go to another party. Jer and I got pretty drunk here, and we ended up going into a hot tub. The guy we met at Vera's did not join us in the hot tub, but some of his other friends did.
When this party was over both Jer and I were too drunk to drive, so his friend said we could stay the night over at his house, we then proceeded to drive over there.
When we got to his house we all talked for a little while and then we decided that we should go to bed. It was decided that Jer and this guy would sleep in the king size bed and I would sleep in the living room on the couch.
After I was about to drift off to sleep the guy comes into the living room and says, "Are you ok on the couch, there is plenty of room in the bed, its king size." I replied that I was fine, but he persisted that I come into the bed because I was tall, and he felt bad that I was sleeping on the couch.
I gave in....
When I joined Jer and the other guy in the bed Jer was practically sleeping so I slid in next to him, which would put me in the middle. The guy and I sat up talking for awhile and then I rolled over and went to bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night in such severe pain that it caused me to immediately pass out again. When I came to I realized the guy had taken it upon himself to pull down my pants and....(I really do not feel the need to say the rest) All I could think to myself was, "what is going on?" And "I just want this to be over with as soon as possible"
I should have pushed him off me, I should have told him to stop, and I should have never gotten into that bed in the first place.
This is not a story I generally share with people, but that guy....my rapist has reemerged in my life. Suddenly an event that I pushed so far into the back of mind is being relived as if it were yesterday.
This guy who has caused me so much pain not only emotionally but physically as well is now dating my ex, my friend...Tony.
I met him again last night at Katie and Tony's apartment. Katie and I had plans to go out to The Bird Night Club for dollar drinks and tube shots. Tony got home from work shortly after I arrived at the apartment. While Tony was getting ready for his plans his new boyfriend was about to arrive.
I had heard a couple things from Katie about him, that there was something about him that she just didn't like...little did I know I would be able to put the icing on the cake.
When I saw him walk in, in my minds eye I went right back to his apartment two years ago watching him get cleaned up after he did what he did. I could not wait for them to leave so I could tell Katie what was bothering me...It was pretty apparent that I was extremely uncomfortable.
When Katie left I told her what happened and she found it a little hard to believe at first. Then we called Jer, who I haven't talked to in a long time. I asked him what the guys name was who had raped me, and without me even saying what I thought it might be Jer confirmed it...Brandon.
This obviously put a damper on the rest of the evening, because Katie and I were trying to decide the best way to tell Tony. We finally decided that I would sit down with him in the morning and tell him myself.
Having to do this crushed me; I had seen how happy Tony seemed the night before. This would obviously have a huge impact with the direction of that happiness. Tony is also going through a hard time right now because his Grandfather is close to passing away. There is also the stress of the Holidays and his closely approaching 21st birthday, in which Tony would like both Brandon and I to be there. (Before I told him anyway)
So this morning when everyone woke up, I sat down with Tony and told him that I had something to tell him that he was not going to want to hear, but he needed to hear it. I reminded him of the events of that night and what happened afterward, and then I pulled the floor out from beneath him.
He didn't say anything, he was too shocked. He just titled his head back and then stared of into space. I feel like shit for telling him now, I really have crushed him and I don't know how to deal with the guilt I am feeling.
If only I wouldn't have gone into that bed. If only I would have had anything to drink that night. There are many things that I could have done and should have done differently, but I cannot change what happened.
I am so sorry for having to do this to Tony, and now I am feeling like I made the wrong decision.