How I blue myself

I have a 3’x2’ frame I have been moving with me the last 3 years even though it had no picture in it. When my roommate moved out a few weeks ago, I decided it was time to fill the frame (particularly since the area above the fireplace looked bare with only nail holes—a sad reminder of the floral print and nails that used to occupy the space). So I went to allposters.com and bought a 3’x2’ print. It happened to be printed in England which meant it was not only jetlagged but 1 inch too tall and 1 inch not-wide-enough, a surprising turn of events since the English are usually stout and portly. I tried a couple different ways of measuring, but there was no way the poster was going in the frame without a fight.

After surveying my options, a matte seemed like the best solution…. but making mattes is a skill I possess little of, unlike sending mail to strangers. Thankfully, I had a warped, bubbled, splotchy, water-stained old matte board that came with the forsaken frame. I got out my trusty exact-o knife (after rethinking the steak knife idea) and the matte was cut; despite it’s wobbly, uneven and jagged edges, it fit. Best of all, I only dropped the exact-o knife through the print once, a slight gaff that was easily patched up with a little bit of black sharpie.

When I had the entire ensemble assembled, I hated the gold frame. My apartment is silver and black. This was gold. Yuck! My mom had given me a can of blue spray paint from the basement for a different project months ago, so I decided this frame would be blue (a deep navy that seems more like a black, in the low romantic lighting I usually use to ironically watch full house alone.) Unfortunately, the can was clogged, so I used a tack and nail to get the paint flowing again. It wasn’t working, so I read the instructions on the back of the can, which said, “do not use a needle to unclog the paint can.” What kind of fool would use a needle? Figuring that persistence was the key, I continued to prod at the can with the veracity of a cockroach until the nozzle was free flowing and blue paint was all over my hands.

The frame got painted, my roommate complained about the paint smell in the apartment (the can also said, “do not use if under 50 degrees”, so I decided to do this project in doors), and I ended up getting blue paint on everything. After it dried, little flakes of blue would rub off on everything… handles to the refrigerator, scratch marks on my face, my signed oil portrait of Siegfried and Roy… if you have ever watched Arrested Development (the greatest show on TV), there is a character who was part of the blue man group with similar problems to me. I also thank AD for the glorious title to this blog entry, since I find it a matter of personal integrity to always give credit where credit is due.

But the important thing now is that the picture is done. The matte is on, the holes are patched, the frame matches the room…. it’s some of the shabbiest work I have ever done for non-educational purposes, but it’s done.