This weekend, I...

• heard a friend complain that she was the "fattest napkin." (Her role in a local play is a napkin).
• was threatened by a friend's grandma: I had to meet her or "she would hunt me down." Since a grandma could do serious harm to my delicate physique, I agreed to meet grandma.
• spent a solid day with the anti-me: a very butch woman who works outdoors hauling rock and sleeps in a sleeping bag so thin you can feel the root systems of the trees around you. I introduced her to satin pillowcases and glitter pens with blue feathers on top.
• wore a button-down silk shirt for precisely 45 minutes before I flung oily rice on it through a freak chop-stick accident. Was harassed the rest of the day because I reeked of garlic (I only put 3 Tablespoons in my Mongolian grill entrée.)