More fun than Mayonnaise... or at least equally fun... OK, it's less fun, but you're still reading...
Naaaaaaaah, Hello? I am N. Erving and I guess I can answer any questions you might be having. My friend slash (/) mentor, Pickie, is on temporary leave so I am filling in for the mean time. I am most familiar with computers, science fiction and nervous twitches, but I can try to tackle some of your tougher relationship issues... not only have I been to first base with a real girl (and further with my pillow), but I am quite familiar, if I do say so myself, with the OC and Sex in the City (when my parents aren't home on a Friday night... shhhhhh..... don't tell.... no, seriously, don't tell.... please....)
N. Erving. Transmission Complete.
Dear Mr. Erving,
Why are nice dogs so cute and mean dogs so un-cute?
Signed,
Roomie
Posted by: Roomie at October 6, 2005 04:26 PMMr. Roomie: (who I shall assume is male since I can't imagine we'd cohabitate and I don't even think we should pretend to do something as scandalous as premarital cohabitation.)
First of all, my name is Nedrick Erving Felderschmidt. But my friend calls me N. Erving.
This phenomenon is just another example of how much further evolved dogs are compared to humans. Nice dogs learned centuries ago that good looks got them chicks (both the doggie and human variety). Nice humans on the other hand (myself included) tend to be ghastly, acne-filled abominations and can only get blind girls (or blind dates—pun intended). Since the dog life-cycle is 7-10 times shorter than humans, we can expect nice guys to be cute by roughly 2173AD. By staying out of the sun and keeping up-to-date with the latest science magazines, I hope to still be around then.
N. Erving. Transmission Complete.
Dear Nedrick, about nervous twitches...last week I noticed a short haired man that had not two but only one, elephant ear. I don't like to take notice of people's physical handicaps even if the handicap is only aesthetic..BUT, well, this guy's one sticking out ear bugged me. If he'd had both ears sticking out than I could manage. I mentioned what I'd seen to my boyfriend. He said that he has a friend named ' Fragolino?! who has the same type of one ear out malformation. Fragolino's ear became that way because as I child he liked to tuck his ear forward and sleep on it. Years of this behavior, and his ear stuck..out. What causes some people to daily or nightly decide to tuck an ear forward permanently deforming themselves? Is this sort of behavior conducted on other body parts as well?
- Ashamed I Noticed
Dear Ashamed
Based on the overall level of deformity this man exhibited, I would guess he was a very nice person... but that's not what the grossed-out woman asked, is it?
Usually another deformity is what causes men to do stuff like this. They figure if you keep looking at their solo elephant ear, you won't notice their wall-eye or hairy warts the size of Cleveland. I used to sport the 50-year-old-business-man-comb-over to distract women from my man-boobs. It’s tough being the only 6th grade male with a sports bra. (lock and load, baby!) The most common deformity-deflector is hair style because it’s relatively easier to change than an ear. In fact, it took 2 months before I noticed that a guy in my art history class with a mullet also had a unibrow and droopy lip. Yikes!
N. Erving. Transmission Complete.
Dear Nedrick,
Have you heard about the new giant M&Ms? What do you think?
Yours eternally,
Shermie
PS. I've noticed your man-boobs.
Shermie:
The key with any chocolate dessert is the proportion of chocolate to other ingredients. In the case of M&Ms, I have always worried that there was too much sugar-shell and not enough chocolate. Now with three sizes (mini, regular and giant), everyone can find the right amount of crunch… although I will personally never be satisfied until it takes two hands to hold an M&M.
N. Erving. P.S. You didn't need to mention that. Transmission Complete.