Spastic Bus Driver drives again

The last two mornings I have had a spastic bus driver who gets me to Crazyville by 8:30. He murmors to himself the entire time he's driving. Today, he announced, "Hey folks, look. He's got a bus schedule. How cute." Then he continued to talk to himself for a few blocks about the young chap he just let on the bus happened to be looking at his bus schedule when the bus arrived. That really got the bus driver going. Of all the places to see someone looking at a bus schedule, a bus stop sounds like a good place to me. You don't see people in the symphony scanning their program and then a bus schedule. THAT's strange.

But the thing that really drives me bonkers is how he is always early, and thus stops at 100s of stops that aren't scheduled. He'll just be driving along, slam on his breaks and let someone on. Why can't he run on time like every one else so he doesn't need to stop for (4 people today) running to catch the bus (5 if you count me). I need the bus to stop at bus stops on time. It's driving me crazy. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrggggggggg!!!!!!!!

Loss of Identity

I may have lost the heart and soul of who I am. If there is one feature of me that is even more prevalent than my blue hoodie, it’s my black and white cow scarf. (I say “more prevalent than the hoodie” because it gets too warm in the summer to wear a sweatshirt everday!!!) Yesteryday, as I was rushing to the bus, I realized that the cow scarf had gone a.w.o.l.. I had until the elevator dinged to decide if I was going back to the office to form a search party or risk losing my bovine neck warmer forever. Since I had to go to my boss’ house after work to fix his computer, I decided to scurry down to the bus… and pray that Friday morning would bring the safe return of my cow scarf… and thankfully it did. Now I can continue to hear trite jokes about Gateway computers and how my clothing matches their boxes. What a great day.

Pants! Pants! Pants for sale!

I spent 2 hours on Monday trying on Jeans.... I started with 3 pairs to get a rough idea of size, and then the search ballooned into roughly 12-18 pairs of loose, relaxed, original, boot, super boot and sneaker cut jeans. I ended up with boot cut jeans (because they can be worn low or at your waist.... unlike sneaker cut jeans).... but I haven't worn them yet because I am not sure I want to keep them.

Funny Elevator Smells

Half way up my elevator ride this morning, a VERY smelly guy got on for two floors. After he exited, I only had about four more floors to ride... but I didn't know if I should hold the door open extra long to help the smell escape before continuing..... or hit the close door button as fast as possible so I could get to my destination floor sooner. I just held my breath and hit the close door button. Thank God I didn't run into him at the end of the day because I'm sure he could have wilted flowers after a few more hours of ripening.

Other factors: I was wearing a down coat, which efficiently absorbs oders.

Why I ride the bus

This is why I ride the bus instead of driving my own car.... but today I almost didn't get to ride. We've got a new driver and he likes to run 2 minutes early..... about every third stop has someone darting to catch the bus. The Princess in Pink sat behind me today (which is very rare). However, she still had on her pink sneakers to match her coat and scarf. Overall the ride was unpleasant because the bus had one of those advertisements on the window that made you feel like you had a giant cataract when you looked out the window. I was fuming mad because I knew it would take me just as much work to scrape the ad off as the ice on my car.... the whole plan was to ride the bus out of laziness... (it takes a lot to push down a pedal with your foot)... I was claustrophobic and trapped in a large, rolling brick. It was one of the few mornings I was excited to get off the bus and start working.

Open Mic for Whiners

Why do they stop making products as soon as I start liking them? In high school, they stopped production of my favorite mechanical pencil. In college they stopped selling the Brute, clear-gel deoderant I was using. The KRAFT spicy mayo I loved to dip onion rings in is no longer sold in Rainbow or Cub.... and last night I drove down to Bloomington to hear Open Mic standup at a comedy club that closed between the time I took their brochure and decided to go. To make matters worse, it looks like my co-worker may be leaving me just after I stopped hating him. And all of this doesn't spell good things for the entire female gender.... Well, at least I still have you, Tab Cola....

____________

I wear the same pants for 3 or 4 (or sometimes 5) days straight because I am too lazy to take my wallet out of my pocket and put it into another pair of pants. It's not just the wallet--that might be do-able by itself--but the wallet, fingernail clipper, flash drive and pen are just too much work to move. I am fatigued even typing about all that work.... so that is why I was surprised to see that out of 1031 blogs, I have the 31st most commented on blog. Either everyone else at the U has completely fallen into the clutches of apathy or I have to thank Eric's entire family of go-getters for their diligent work. Word by word, they have probably typed more for Generation Bob than I have. I've been meaning to post this thank you for a few days, but last night I was too lazy to take more pictures of my apartment.... so it was either this or stealing some ideas from Underblog.

PRINCESS in PINK SMELLS FRESH

Princess in Pink Smells Fresh

Four stops before I exit the bus every morning (actual 80% of my mornings) a girl enters who I call the Princess in Pink. She wears skin-tight, faded blue jeans (sometimes with embroidering work) and always a soft pink jacket with froo-froo edging. She has blond, curly hair that is parted down the center. She usually sits towards the front (like me), but sometimes has to stand if the bus is full. Today she sat directly next to me and she smelled surprisingly fresh. Not perfumy. Not like flowers or fruit. But fresh and soapy.

Man Sniffles Four Times a Minute

After work on Friday, I switched seats on the bus half way through my ride. Someone exited the handicapped seating and I thought I would snatch it up before someone else did. The guy behind me sniffled CONSTANTLY. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and figured he maybe just got in from the cold. However, the sniffles continued so I decided to record their frequency so I could tell whether he was actually sniffling constantly or if I was over reacting. You be the judge. (The timer was reset after every major snort... scroll down for the exciting table....)



Average Noise Disturbance: 20 Seconds

Average Snort: 47 Seconds

Time	Action
0:28	Sniffle
0:37	Sniffle
1:03	Snort
0:21	Sniffle
0:41	Sniffle
0:43	Snort
1:13	Snort
0:42	Snort
0:18	Snort
0:11	Sniffle

Star crossed love-seats and other home decór

It was the last day I was in Cancun, a city which is very close to my heart, or as close to my heart as you can be with high humidity. My family and I had decided to go shopping.... I was looking for CDs and VHSs in Spanish (so I could pretend I understood them and wow all the ladies). I wandered through an eclectic Pier-one-ish store that didn't import anything that wasn't from Mexico. I saw this sculpture on display and I knew we were meant to be. (I'm sure by buying it I answered some 5 peso bet about exactly how much junk American tourists will buy.)
I have never fallen in love, but I always imagined it would be something like seeing this sculpture. I was so taken by it... it's beauty... it's wit... it's individuality... it's spontaneity... (ooooh, pretty colours...) that there was nothing I wanted more than to spend the rest of my life in its spiky green company. The end of this month marks our 6 year anniversary. Thank you for sharing your life with me, strange orange thing with three feet and leaves!

Lights Out on Bad Habits... or... Only Straight Screws for Me

Like David Sedaris, I have a few strange compulsive behaviours that my mother noticed at an early age. Most of them are pretty minor and not worth mentioning... but one day she told me that I needed to stop them or else I would end up like a family friend who insisted that all of the screws on his light switches and electrical face plates were perfectly aligned up and down. When she said that to me, my world made perfect sense and I knew I would have to straighten the screws on all of my lighting/electrical fixtures. However, I took a liberal approach to screw straightening and decided it wasn't worth the hassle of making all the screws in my house point up and down.... instead, I make sure that all of the screws on a single face plate are parallel with each other and either parallel or perpendicular with the ground.
You may have noticed a little aqua sun on the face plate (or maybe you didn't)... but I can never remember which switch is for the garbage disposal and which is for the light.... so I drew a picture of a sun above the garbage disposal... j/k.. it's actually above the light switch. Similarly, I can never remember which way to turn what handle on my shower to get the proper temperature.... but I haven't found a way to incorporate a little, aqua sun yet..... stay tuned for pictures of me trying to figure out that dilemma tomorrow.... showering the way God intended me to shower.... with my white, ankle length socks on...

Breakfast, Oh Breakfast I hate you. You stink

To adapt a line from Jack Prelutsky....
"Breakfast Oh Breakfast, I hate you. You stink.
I wish I could wash you away in the sink."

What's the deal with breakfast anyway? They say it's the most important meal of the day. But I have been avoiding it as much as possible and look how great I turned out. I have always avoided breakfast foods.... cereal, pancakes, waffles, toast, grapefruit halved with a gentle sprinkle of sugar, etc.... not only do these foods bite, but so does the dinnerware.... I don't like bowls (and pride myself in going through college for the most part without ever using a bowl or spoon)….. and don't even get me started on juice glasses..... in fact, the only good thing to come out of breakfast is BACON!! BACON!! BACON!!

As a kid, I usually made my own breakfast, so I would eat whatever we had left over from the night before (pizza, lasagna, chicken, hamburger).... or pie.... in Aberdeen, I had to 2 chocolate chip cookies for breakfast every morning. My sister has a similar disorder... in 3rd grade, the teacher dismissed them for lunch one day by the food they ate.... ("Everyone who had waffles can go now...." I think they use the same technique in police line-ups....) The teacher kept trying to guess until everyone had left, but somehow she forgot the ever-popular “hotdogs and potatoe chips dipped in ketchup” which my sister had consumed.

I think the reason I hate breakfast is that you have to be up before 11am to have it. I loath the morning with every fiber in your Grapenuts.... so when I am forced to get up, I eat as little as possible to tide me over until I can eat lunch.... which I consider the start to my day.

Since I got my new job, I have been searching for a good breakfast.... 4 Double Stuffed Oreos.... 1 Granola Bar.... 1/3 cup Trail Mix.... 6 oz Yogurt... A Banana (once).... and have finally settled on Pepperjack Cheese with a handful of peanuts. It gives me a protein kick.... I like the heat of the cheese.... and spicy foods have been shown to reduce cancer (in a recent study).

Mantle Bowling

Eric had mentioned a close up of the pots on the mantle, so here they are. I threw them in 2003 out of porcelain for a class I took in Aberdeen. They are about half a foot tall and 1/16" to 1/8" thick (We'll say 3/32nds"). Just like I like thin glassware, I also like thin ceramics.... and I also like thin, dainty cookies that you can eat lots of instead of beefy, uncouth, farm-hand cookies. I am trying to think if there is anything that I like bulkier and I can't come up with anything. I am so bulky and muscular that I usually like thin, ethereal, dainty things to compliment my build.
I used one glaze on the outside of the pots that turns blue or brown depending on the thickness of the glaze and firing technique used. You can see the throw marks from my fingers wrapping around the pots.... I think it gives them personality. If you want smooth, completely even, mundane bowls, you can buy them from the Walmart. But if you want insouciant pots with character, you can get those from real potters. If you don't know any real potters and you don't want to spring for the rolled-back prices of the Walmart, you make them yourself like I did.
The drippy globby-ness near the top is from a clear glaze I used to coat the inside and rim of the pot. The feet are different because I hadn't intended them to be a set when I threw them.... but I fell in love with this glaze and started doing everything in it.... kind of like how I feel in love with Pepperjack cheese and have been eating it for breakfast every day this year.

The fruitboard

Next to my sink I have a wall (technically a side of a cupboard) where I affix all of the stickers from fruit I eat. (If I throw out the fruit, the sticker also gets thrown out.) This fruitboard has been operational for about 1 year and the stickers (from left to right) are from Bananas, Apples, Peaches, Nectarines and Plums. The last 3 columns are not scheduled for much growth since my roommate who moved out was the only one who ate them. (I prefer my peaches pickled, which means they don't come with stickers). The fruitboard is a tradition that dates back to my 4th year of college. One of my roommates was eating a Banana next to the sink, didn't know what to do with the sticker, and stuck it on the cupboard. The tradition slowly grew and everyone in the apartment started doing the same thing… mainly because we were all too lazy to take the sticker down and throw it out like normal people.
I am a little worried about this particular fruitboard because the banana growth has been exponential! My roommate started sticking her apples too close to the bananas. To make matters worse, my new roommate only eats bananas… if you catch my drift…
When looking at any fruitboard, there are two natural imbalances you must take into account before making any judgments: (1) some fruits (particularly bananas) only put 1 or 2 stickers per bunch. So each sticker actually signifies 2-3 consumed bananas. (2) The stickers are different sizes. The banana sticker is huge, but at the same time it is not 2-3 times the nectarine sticker like it should be. So what is the comparative factor that determines sticker size? fruit weight? fruit mass? fruit calories? fruit importance? corporate fruit donations to the FDA?
Other things pictured with the fruitboard: my electric fry pan, which I use for cooking everything (even my world famous burgers!). I think I would starve if it weren’t for this creation (and hot-pockets/lime jello). My new plates. They are like fiesta ware, but square.... kind of like I am 1/2 party and 1/2 square. (As I write this all, they are starting to sound like the mullet of dinnerware.) My glasses I spent 2 months searching for and ended up settling for Martha Stewart "Living" glasses. I need to have glasses without any frills (no strange lines, funky patterns, ripples, bubbles, etc)... they must be big (14oz+... I drink a lot and I hate getting up to refill the glasses. Juice glasses are a waste of money. If you only want a little bit, pour 1/4 a glass!!!! I HATE JUICE GLASSES!!!!)... they must be light (I take all the glasses out of their packaging before I buy them to see how heavy they are. I am weak enough as is it and my wrists give out if the glass is too heavy before you even add the beverage.)
The top shelf holds tupperware and peanut products. I basically have my kitchen arranged so I don't have to bend down. If you are relegated to a lower shelf, you probably don't have much clout with me. (Juice glasses would go below the lower shelf if such a place existed... the only one I can think of is hell, which is probably the only place to exclusively use juice glasses). In summary, that's why plates, glasses, Tupperware and peanut products are all on the top shelf.

Carrying the Mantle of Steve

I personally thought this ought to be posted as a comment in my prior entry, but Eric insisted that this is a new and exciting topic. It's obvious that he doesn't get out much if he thinks a mantle is exciting, but without further ado..... my mantle.....

The pottery on the left is from a porcelain series I made in 2003. The big pot contains movie stubs from everything I have seen the last 2-4 years. The candles on the left are a Christmas present (part of replacing my previous roommate) and it also happens to be the first candelabra I have ever owned. The little kimonos beneath the picture are from my cousin who taught English in Japan for many years. My previous roommate thought they were too beautiful to be used as coasters, so she put them above the fireplace. I'm not sure if I will keep them there because it may be a little too cluttered for my tastes.... but I do like how the water splotches on the coasters match the water splotches on my picture's matte.