September 28, 2005

non congruent items

AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I don't have anything to say, so I will just name off random things I have been thinking about saying:

  1. I did steal the circus peanuts!! And I ate them! I ate them all! I love them. I've slowly been sucking on them until they are sticky enough to be molded into the form of Ellen. Once it is complete, we shall wed and I will show the real Ellen for stealing my second-TV-wife from me (Portia*De*La*Rossie)
  2. I did call, shermie, I did! (But she hates The Bell and erased my message so Mr Blog would never call back...)
  3. Today I tried to pick fights with THREE people, but nobody would fight with me. I just wanted to drive to friend's house, ring the doorbell and then shove them when they answer.... particularly if they don't have a peep-hole. (And by peep-hole, I am not refeering to a mouth). Once I shoved them I would run away and make some juvinile comment about their mother, unless it was true, then I would disparage their grandmother, unless she was no longer with us, and then I would make insinuations about them and a donkey.
  4. I've gone out of my mind crazy bored. Who knew that Cnn, Bbc, Discover, Economist, Cockeyed and could eventually be dull.
  5. Reading SuperStud is like WATCHING A TRAIN WRECK. At first his life was just like mine, but then he outgrew me around chapter three. Now I worry that the rest of my life will turn out like his. I am frantically reading to the end in hopes that there is some moral I can learn. Some way to avoid this destiny. My normally snail-pace reading has increased to armadillo (or armadijo as they say in Argentína).
  6. I enjoy talking with native spanish speakers on campus. The last two times I have seen them, I told them: "Me gusta dibujar ovejas" y "Cada noche cantaba sobre galletas".
  7. Got to eat ice-cream with a German native in town for the day. We both ordered mint ice-cream with M&Ms. He said its his favorite, but I wonder if he just copied me because he is incapable of making a decision (like me... I spent 5 minutes taking TV dinners out of freezer section and then putting them back and then looking over the selection I had in my cart... putting them back in the freezer.... i've decided to eat other flavors from Toxic Burn Lasagna. This indecision was after an afternoon of trying on 8 black pairs of sweat pants. I finally decided on one after a re-try proved it was my favorite a second time).
  8. My stapler ain't got no staples and I think someone used it and didn't refill it. I haven't used my stapler ever since I ran a USB cord threw the middle of it.
  9. I like being able to sleep when I take Nyquil, but I no longer need to take it for my cold. When I take Nyquil, I only wake up once/night. If I stop taking it, that number will rise to two or three.
  10. Last night, roommate CAPTAIN IRONING BOARD turned on the A/C before going to bed (outside temp: 50 degrees). Since he had to crank it really low before it kicked in, it never shut off. Woke up in a rainy tundra. Decided to drive to work so I didn't have to walk through the rain. I was already bone cold when i woke up.
  12. Tried eating lunch with other techs the last 3 days. Can't find them in the lunch room.... think they moved spots on me. (After reading this post, you probably wonder why? Save those thoughts for the comments section).
  13. I don't want to do dishes. Made tacos this week. Serrano peppers were hotter than I remembered. I QuIt buying RESER tortillas because they stick in the fridge. I hate half tortillas. Now, I buy the package with the Mexican flag. I watched a public tv documentry about Mexico.... want to go again.... as much as i hate scorpions, being kidnapped/ransomed, hot sun, dry weather, tequilla, mustaches and Mexico City Smog, all the ancient pyramids draw me like a moth to butter. You butter believe it you moth-hair donkey hocker.

Posted by steveh at 9:38 PM | Comic Brilliance

January 27, 2005

Bus Woos

How do you position yourself on the bus so that you only get to sit next to people who you want to sit next to? Choosing your seat on a bus is a really tough decision. Often times, the clientele ranges from the loud smelly guy who keeps on muttering about cheese under his breath to the knock-out girl who takes your breath away, turning your brain to cheese. There is nothing worse than smelling three day old tuna as Meg Ryan walks past you to the back of the bus.

  • Tip 1 If you’re moderately attractive, sit next to the attractive girl. YOU ARE DOING HER A FAVOR. Be sure you remind her that you are saving her from the cheeseman. Women love a night in shining armor who is here to save them. Remember, you are performing this self-less act for her.
  • Tip 2 If you are the first person on the bus, make sure you have a prop that can be used to ward off creepy smellweirds. I personally use my backpack. I sit at the front of the bus where I can see who is getting on before they get on. If a group of no-good hooligans is getting on, I put my backpack next to me and dig through it so that nobody will ask me to move my stuff. I'm already moving my stuff around and there is no room for them. If I see an attractive gaggle of women about to embarking on the glories of pub(l)ic transportation, I put the backpack on my lap and scoot all the way against the window so there is plenty of room for them to plant their rumpus next to me.
  • Tip 3 Scooting is a great way to deter seat snatchers. If you only leave someone 1/3 of a seat instead of 1/2, they will move on and try to find an easier seat to snatch. But through scooting, you can also leave someone 5/9th of a seat to make it a more attractive offer. Best yet, scooting is dynamic and can easily be adjusted as multiple people from the same stop enter the bus (unlike the prop, which can only be adjusted once per stop--see tip 2)
  • Tip 4 Finally, know your route. Sometimes the bus will stop in front of the married student mega-complex.... that can get mega-complicated, mega-quickly, so just park your backpack isle-side. But other stops feature students, bar flies, machinists or macaroni enthusiasts... know what you like and where to find them.

January 14, 2005

I've got nothingnothing.

I've got absolutely nothing to say today, but I figured I had better post something or else I would lose all the momentum I had going for this blog (I use the term "momentum" very loosely). Today I ate Couscous. Why do people name things twice? I once saw a pianist named Lang-Lang, my former college president was Thomas Thomson and I live near Minneahaha Falls (which means Ha Ha falls must be near by). Don't people realize how much of my life I have spent repeating myself? To make matters worse, nobody ever listens to what I have to say the first time.... so by the time I have repeated what I originally said, I have uttered the noun "cous" about 10 times just to tell someone I ate lunch today. The other strange thing about couscous is how shredded it is. It makes me want to throw ccoonnffeettii about while I eat it. I wonder if each little shred is a cous.... in which case, I certainly ate more than 2 couses...

Posted by hans1995 at 2:36 PM | Comic Brilliance