April 5, 2007

hiatus

lambimals.jpg

generation[bob] on hiatus through easter sunday.

excuse :: more childhood memories need sorting
reality :: zapped of verbal creativity

in my stead, enjoy these sheep, which coincidentally are good with a zesty ranch dressing.

Posted by steveh at 11:07 PM | Least Interesting

October 7, 2006

whatever mr mix and match

b-lur.jpg

1. i love wigs, but i would never want to brush one. tonight i wore three.

2. the track pad doesn't recognize my index finger because it is too cold.

3. talking dolls scare me, but 3rd eyes don't. it's just an extra eye. but good luck finding glasses.

4. i applaud a friend who suddenly and randomly quit her job today because it sucked her soul.

5. a doll scolded me for wearing a tiny wig on my index finger suddenly and randomly.

Posted by steveh at 1:08 AM | Least Interesting

July 27, 2006

Bar: none

Roomie just finished the bar exam... which means last night started a week of eating out, calling long-forgotten friends, watching movies, and relaxing on the sofa. Last night felt like a Friday. Too bad I had to work today. (cue sappy music as I kick the ground and say "awwwh shucks")

Posted by steveh at 11:29 AM | Least Interesting

November 14, 2005

Move/Save Arrested Development

Today I wrote every networks I thought could breath some fresh life into Arrested Development now that Fox has turned cold to brilliant comedy...

Posted by steveh at 2:13 PM | Least Interesting

November 13, 2005

Personality Test

Many web tests are cheesy, but I found this one interesting and the Blog Family seemed interested:


Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||| 26%
Stability |||||||||||||||| 63%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 73%
Accommodation |||||| 23%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Hedonism || 10%
Materialism |||||||||| 36%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 50%
Adventurousness |||| 16%
Work ethic |||||| 30%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking || 10%
Need to dominate |||| 16%
Romantic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Wealth |||||||||||||||| 70%
Dependency |||||||||| 36%
Change averse |||||||||||||||| 63%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Sexuality |||||| 23%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||||| 77%
Histrionic |||||||||||| 50%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||| 56%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 70%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Highlights:

  • It's nice to see my "Female Cliché" is greater than my "Work Ethic" ("one day it isn't Halloween anymore...").
  • I guess if the cautiously avoidant, paranoid recluse monocle fits, wear it!
  • This test brings to light many tough questions.... at 23% each, would I rather be accomodating to someone, or develop an interest in sex... it's a pretty tough call... they both sound pretty awful...

Posted by steveh at 1:35 PM | Least Interesting

October 18, 2005

Dream Fragment

Pre-emptive retraction: I was bored with this entry before anyone really got a chance to read it. Only read if you need to waste time:

I was exiting a UMN Campus bus and getting onto a crowded, yellow school bus (standing room only)*. I was very loquacious... joking with the other riders.... and very excited because I was wearing my new T-shirt (that said something strange like "I buy taxes")**. A political science professor with chronic computer problems was the bus driver and he was having problems synching his cell-phone to the radio frequency the buses communicate on.***

* I sometimes switch UMN buses mid-route if I think a different one will provide a more comfortable ride.
** I'm still looking at Target shirts that say, "I make things up."
*** Yes, this is the end. Sorry there is no drama.

Posted by steveh at 11:04 AM | Least Interesting

October 12, 2005

Bee a good boy...

Please amuse yourself with the "the premier online repository for pictures of dogs in bee costumes". (I think we finally know what UnderBlog has been doing with his spare time....)

Posted by steveh at 7:52 PM | Least Interesting

September 22, 2005

Ener....

I am low-energy everyday of my life, which means I slide down to near-coma levels when I am sick. I sat at my computer for 5 hours today, but I swear I just ran a marathon.

The mind is also foggy: I spent 17% more on groceries this week and I am already running dangerously low on beverages (OJ), desserts (cookies) and breakfasts (apples). But I am using Su Doku to try to get back on my feet mentally. I love it. At last, a crossword puzzle I can do.

Posted by steveh at 3:22 PM | Least Interesting

September 19, 2005

Sick

I'm at home sick today.... coughing/sneezing/congested/contagious.... I've been sleeping 10-12 hrs/day... and then rotating 2 hours of TV, 1 hour of sleep and 1 hour of some other activity. I guess the only real difference is that I am at HOME today. :)

Posted by steveh at 12:34 PM | Least Interesting

August 9, 2005

A-peel-ing Banana-nana-musement

I hate those little strings (fibrovascular bundles) that stick to bananas. It's like finding a bitter tasting, slightly soluble, long black hair in your banana. Today I began researching banana peeling in hopes of finding a sure-fire method to guarantee a fibrovascular-free dining experience. It turns out that monkeys always peel bananas from the "bottom" of the banana (which is actually the top since bananas grow upwards towards the sky. Bananas are called "fingers" that grow in groups called "hands"). I also learned that Beech Nut hand peels bananas so that that their baby food does not contain bitter fibers.... maybe I should just switch to that...

Posted by hans1995 at 11:14 AM | Least Interesting

August 7, 2005

This weekend, I...

  • heard a friend complain that she was the "fattest napkin." (Her role in a local play is a napkin).
  • was threatened by a friend's grandma: I had to meet her or "she would hunt me down." Since a grandma could do serious harm to my delicate physique, I agreed to meet grandma.
  • spent a solid day with the anti-me: a very butch woman who works outdoors hauling rock and sleeps in a sleeping bag so thin you can feel the root systems of the trees around you. I introduced her to satin pillowcases and glitter pens with blue feathers on top.
  • wore a button-down silk shirt for precisely 45 minutes before I flung oily rice on it through a freak chop-stick accident. Was harassed the rest of the day because I reeked of garlic (I only put 3 Tablespoons in my Mongolian grill entrée.)
Posted by hans1995 at 11:03 PM | Least Interesting

July 11, 2005

List-O-Five

1. Thanks to all the story participants. I think the great Internet Experiment was a success! (Sorry to Shermie, whose post got altered as she and someone else posted simultaneously)... dealing with that frustration should earn you a gold star.

2. The great Internet Experiment has spawn a new idea, which will be a weekly addition to my blog starting this Sunday. Stay tuned.

3. Ate Chicken and Veggies with a garlic/herb sauce. The garlic covered the flavor of the veggies and I am sorry to report that I actually enjoyed the meal.

4. I am redoing a webpage at work and it really gets under my skin. I can’t walk away from web projects. At the end of the day, I keep thinking about them and I know nothing else in my life will get done until this project is completed... web work is as addicting as video editing. That is why I try not to do anything at work.

5. ...it was fun to have Mr. Blog back at work so I don't have to...

Posted by hans1995 at 11:05 PM | Least Interesting

July 2, 2005

Questions!

Everyone left for the weekend with a string of questions, so I'll do the same...

  1. What questions should I be asking on my blog?
  2. If a train leaves Pittsburg at 3pm traveling at 50 mph, how many calories would you consume if you ate through one train car completely filled with caramels. (Hint: 1oz of Caramel = 115 cal)
  3. What is the minimum wingspan a bird needs for flight should they some day be constructed of concrete?
  4. I scraped my knee.
  5. How many Puffs Plus Kleenex would you need over a 24 hour period to dry your weeping willow?
  6. What is the correct spelling suprise? (I'm hosting a suprise birthday party for our country tomorrow and I think the invitations were wrong... she was born the 3rd, right?)
  7. Why was that last question so weak?

Posted by hans1995 at 1:25 PM | Least Interesting

June 19, 2005

New TV!

This afternoon, I blogged about getting a new TV... but I blogged to blog. I had nothing to say. I just wanted to blog since it had been a while since I blogged. Later today, I decided this kind of blogging is gratuitious and unnecessary... so I vowed to only blog when I felt like blogging.... but that seems like an easy way out. Blogging should be something you are comitted to and do even when you don't "feel like it." Any thoughs, oh veteran loggers (vloggers)?

The apartment has a new entertainment system from IKEA and a new TV from Best Buy. My roommate just got his first paycheck and it didn't take long for button down shirts and entertainment systems to start popping up. I don't know what it is about my roommates, but everyone I live with buys a new TV after moving in. I've been using the same 13" one for years. The sound's a little fuzzy, but everything else works. Who really wants to see Don Knotts at life size?

Posted by hans1995 at 4:12 PM | Least Interesting

May 26, 2005

The sweat smell of subway

It stopped raining today, so I went up the Empire State Building even though the sky was overcast. Poofy clouds always make the best pictures.

Blue Man Group was sold out once again, so I did what any single, metropolitian male would do: ride the "nIsland Ferry" (as the sign said). Following Kelliher (DDS)'s advice, I got directly off the ferry and on to the one headed towards manhattan... which is harder to do than it sounds. The mean ferry-man, started closing the doors when I was about 10 feet away, so I had to run and do an Indiana Jones (sans fedora).

Oh how I yearned for the sweat smell of Subway tonight (the urine kind, not the virgin, un-toasted sandwich shop). I crossed the Brookyln Bridge to take pictures and ended up wandering into a "less desirable" area after dark looking for a train station. I assumed it was safe since the cars were all expensive... but then maybe this was were the drug lords double-parked. As I approached the subway stop, I was never so excited to inhale that distinctively MetroAreaTransit smell....

P.S. A simple reinstall of drivers now allows my friend to connect to the internet via ethernet instead of his smashed USB plug.

Posted by hans1995 at 11:23 PM | Least Interesting | Travel Log

May 11, 2005

Big, Fat Sigh

This evening I turned in the final draft of my script for screenwriting. It's indescribable how relieved I feel to have that done. The closest I can come is to tell you a clown car filled with dancing hippos dressed in chain male just rolled up the windows on their VW bus and drove off my shoulders.

The first thing I did after printing my final: eat a kit-kat bar. (As I discussed with Underblog, I usually can't go more than 6-18 hours without a hit of chocolate or sugar). Then I catched a late bus, a real late bus, across campus to turn in my paper.... only to find the classroom lights dimmed and desks arranged in a non-standard grid formation. Since there wasn't a surprise party, I guessed we were supposed to email our finals. At that point it didn't really matter: the hippos were gone and my mouth was relaxed with the fresh dew of warm chocolate.

Posted by hans1995 at 10:29 PM | Least Interesting

May 4, 2005

How To Flirt

It's a wonder Sarah ever agreed to go out with me. I went to a wedding this weekend and tried to flirt with the attractive woman of honor, but my roommate told me my technique's a little rusty...

We both knew each other, so I started our conversation asking, "What's your name again? You don't look like the type of girl I would remember." It ended with, "I would say it was nice to see you again, but I don't want to lie in God's house." The middle was simply more of the same.

Oh, and if anyone has her number, please forward it to me.... I must have lost it somewhere amongst my dusty pile of books: Dating for Dummies, Idiot's Guide to Dating, How to Love a Woman as much as you Love Star Trek....

Posted by hans1995 at 1:55 PM | Least Interesting

April 19, 2005

Is this really newsworthy?

You've gotta love the journalistic standards on CNN.com....

"Reindeer do not normally run off cliffs when they are grazing on the top of the mountain," Pavval said

As opposed to.... the Mountain Elephant, which is now extinct because it ran off of cliffs while grazing?

Posted by hans1995 at 9:53 AM | Least Interesting

April 17, 2005

31:47

Today I ran a 5K “Super Endurance Mega Iron Steel Man Marathon”. The racers all started from a bridge leading onto Nicollet Island and with about 2 minutes until the starting gun I heard a honk from behind me. The silver curls of an 80-year-old woman were barely springing above the Cadillac steering wheel as she angrily waved for racers to get off her bridge so she could drive to a nearby restaurant. I was a little disappointed that she didn’t get a ticket, but she did get a hearty whistle and tersely pointed hand from the police officer telling her where to put the car.

Some of you may be surprised by my totally awesome score (31:47), but I got a rush of adrenaline with less than 1K to go. For 4K I had been following a 60 year old woman with extra tight deep purple spandex and it was maddening. Sure enough, somewhere deep inside I found the motivation to whisk past the grandma and the man-pushing-two-kids-in-a-stroller. But regardless of who won or lost, everyone can feel good for helping the often-disadvantaged Lawyers of the world.

Posted by hans1995 at 9:08 PM | Least Interesting

April 9, 2005

Hotel Security Latches

I am at a hotel with large, leaf-y, paisley-eske tan wallpaper.... sitting under a Fall Geese scene (geese gazing into a pond reflection also shared by a brick country home)... listening to La Bamba.... bloggin' on a computer that is for Business Use Only. If confronted, I'll tell them that this is what I do for a living... which, given my limited responsibilities at the U isn't far from the truth. The only real difference is that I am forced to use a web converter to get my Dvorak Keyboard fix.

When I got back to the room this evening, the security lock (that allows you to open the door partially to see who is there) was preventing me from entering. Not amused with my sister's shenanigans, I called her cell phone after knocking profusely. A quick cell conversation revealed that she was shopping for flowers at the grocery store and that our hotel room anti-burglar lock must have locked itself.

The manager said this happens frequently, but the hotel refuses to buy the tool to open the doors easily... so he taught me how to jack it open with a hotel keycard. This means I am now proficient at opening anti-burglar security locks and the simple push-button locks at my elementary school using any major credit card.... even Discover....

Posted by hans1995 at 7:55 PM | Least Interesting

April 5, 2005

Today I just don't care

I was going to post about the new bus people.... I was going to make a photoshop creation with random google searches for images..... but I just don't care. "Springing Forward" always leaves me in a daze for about a week.... I haven't had a good night's sleep in 3 days now and I just want to go to bed. As much as I love "falling back", it isn't worth the agony my body goes through every spring. Between taxes and time changes, the government has found a way to pretty much ruin most of my April.

Posted by hans1995 at 3:33 PM | Least Interesting

March 15, 2005

Squeaky Deakey

I recently got a mix CD from a friend. Next to the title Watch Your Step was the description that this song "seems to appear on a disproportionate number of my mix tapes/cds." Today, I wanted to share with you a song that appears on a disproportionate number of my mix CDs.... it's great for romance mixes, party mixes or when you simply feel down and out: Squeaky Deakey

Posted by hans1995 at 12:22 PM | Least Interesting

February 28, 2005

Spastic Bus Driver drives again

The last two mornings I have had a spastic bus driver who gets me to Crazyville by 8:30. He murmors to himself the entire time he's driving. Today, he announced, "Hey folks, look. He's got a bus schedule. How cute." Then he continued to talk to himself for a few blocks about the young chap he just let on the bus happened to be looking at his bus schedule when the bus arrived. That really got the bus driver going. Of all the places to see someone looking at a bus schedule, a bus stop sounds like a good place to me. You don't see people in the symphony scanning their program and then a bus schedule. THAT's strange.

But the thing that really drives me bonkers is how he is always early, and thus stops at 100s of stops that aren't scheduled. He'll just be driving along, slam on his breaks and let someone on. Why can't he run on time like every one else so he doesn't need to stop for (4 people today) running to catch the bus (5 if you count me). I need the bus to stop at bus stops on time. It's driving me crazy. AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrggggggggg!!!!!!!!

February 21, 2005

Funny Elevator Smells

Half way up my elevator ride this morning, a VERY smelly guy got on for two floors. After he exited, I only had about four more floors to ride... but I didn't know if I should hold the door open extra long to help the smell escape before continuing..... or hit the close door button as fast as possible so I could get to my destination floor sooner. I just held my breath and hit the close door button. Thank God I didn't run into him at the end of the day because I'm sure he could have wilted flowers after a few more hours of ripening.

Other factors: I was wearing a down coat, which efficiently absorbs oders.

Posted by hans1995 at 1:56 PM | Least Interesting

February 18, 2005

Why I ride the bus

ice-geneva.jpg

This is why I ride the bus instead of driving my own car.... but today I almost didn't get to ride. We've got a new driver and he likes to run 2 minutes early..... about every third stop has someone darting to catch the bus. The Princess in Pink sat behind me today (which is very rare). However, she still had on her pink sneakers to match her coat and scarf. Overall the ride was unpleasant because the bus had one of those advertisements on the window that made you feel like you had a giant cataract when you looked out the window. I was fuming mad because I knew it would take me just as much work to scrape the ad off as the ice on my car.... the whole plan was to ride the bus out of laziness... (it takes a lot to push down a pedal with your foot)... I was claustrophobic and trapped in a large, rolling brick. It was one of the few mornings I was excited to get off the bus and start working.

February 16, 2005

Open Mic for Whiners

Why do they stop making products as soon as I start liking them? In high school, they stopped production of my favorite mechanical pencil. In college they stopped selling the Brute, clear-gel deoderant I was using. The KRAFT spicy mayo I loved to dip onion rings in is no longer sold in Rainbow or Cub.... and last night I drove down to Bloomington to hear Open Mic standup at a comedy club that closed between the time I took their brochure and decided to go. To make matters worse, it looks like my co-worker may be leaving me just after I stopped hating him. And all of this doesn't spell good things for the entire female gender.... Well, at least I still have you, Tab Cola....

Posted by hans1995 at 11:05 AM | Least Interesting

January 26, 2005

Would you like cheese on that?

With the recent passing of Jonny Carson, I would like to take a moment to thank the comedians out there who are still making me laugh… starting with David Letterman. (In another words, it was such a busy day that I didn’t have the energy to write something myself). I have included some excepts from a bit he did working at the ordering booth of a Taco Bell.

The closest experience to this I had was when I asked a waitress if she had root beer… she went back to check and told me they sold IBC Root Beer. I ordered a Coke.

Letterman at Taco Bell...

*************

LETTERMAN: Honk the horn, ma'am.

CUSTOMER: Why?

LETTERMAN: We're testing the equipment. It has something to do with the
microwave oven.

(The customer honks the horn.)

*************

LETTERMAN: Hi. Welcome to Taco Bell. What do you want, tacos?

CUSTOMER: No. I would actually like a light chicken burrito, nachos with
a side order of guacamole and a three-cheese melt and a medium soda.

LETTERMAN: That's an awful lot of food. How many people are eating out
there?

CUSTOMER: There's just two of us, and it's not a lot of food.

LETTERMAN: It seems like an awful lot of food to me, and I get the
feeling you're gonna eat it by yourself.

CUSTOMER: No.

LETTERMAN: How much do you weigh?

CUSTOMER: Does it matter?

LETTERMAN: With that kind of food, yeah, when we're dealing with this
kind of quantity, we need to know the weight of the customer.

***********

CUSTOMER: Two light soft tacos and a diet soda.

LETTERMAN: What kind of soda do you want?

CUSTOMER: A diet soda, diet Pepsi.

LETTERMAN: Diet what?

CUSTOMER: Pepsi.

LETTERMAN: We don't have diet Pepsi.

CUSTOMER: How about a Dr. Pepper?

LETTERMAN: A diet Dr. Pepper?

CUSTOMER: Sure.

LETTERMAN: We don't have diet Dr. Pepper.

CUSTOMER: Okay. I'll just have any kind of soda.

LETTERMAN: Well, I have to know what kind you want, ma'am, so I can tell
you we're out of it.

***********

CUSTOMER: Give me some ice cream without the cone. Just put it in a cup.

LETTERMAN: You want cheese on that?

Posted by hans1995 at 4:43 PM | Least Interesting

January 25, 2005

Pairs of Women on the 3B

There were four women sitting across the bus from me this morning: two old women and two young women. The two older women looked like the younger women in 40 years.... no... exactly like the young women in 40 years... from 2-liter-coke-bottle glasses to the slightly puffy, yet sagging and wrinkled cheeks. It was really quite eire how similar the pairs were. Then I started wondering what if the pairs were actually the same person who somehow, through a knot in the super space string of the universe, wound up sitting next to themselves one warm, winter morn the bus was running 2 minutes behind schedule.

January 24, 2005

The Perfect Burger II

Since I got a lot of good questions about my burgers, I thought I would post some clarifying comments…

  1. How do you prepare the yogurt? I start by frying the Vandalia onions in margarine, olive oil and a splash of Tab Cola (it gives them a little bit of color and a decadent sweetness.) To start integrating the cherry flavor with the onions I usually squeeze in the juice of three maraschino cherries while the onions are frying. After they have simmered for about 20 minutes I transfer the cooked onions and raw cherry yogurt to a double-boiler. A happy marriage of these two flavors is sealed in the kiss of slow, consistent heating.
  2. What is a Peep? A peep is a shaped marshmallow coated in sugar (since marshmallows aren’t sweet enough. Fast fact: a sugar cube is the only food sweet enough that you don’t need to roll it in sugar before eating!) Depending on the season you can get Christmas Tree Peeps, Easter Bunny Peeps or a peep of President Clinton (interns only!). I personally find that the Snowmen work better than the Christmas trees because I don’t like triangular burgers. Call me traditional. The marshmallow is used more as a glue than a flavoring since you need something to stick all the nutmeg together. On a side note, I would recommend building a cooling pen for your burgers because if you eat them straight off the grill, the superheated marshmallow will sear bits of steer all over your ear. Oh and finally, it may sound like a good idea, but don’t substitute Elmer’s glue for marshmallow Peeps. Elmer’s is worthless for binding red meat to nutmeg… it says so at the bottom of the bottle… I knew I should have read the label before I swiped my credit card.
Any other burger questions?

Posted by hans1995 at 4:31 PM | Least Interesting

January 21, 2005

The Perfect Burger

Last night I made the perfect burger. I started with a Peep (Snowman shaped, NOT Christmas Tree) and coated it with a mix of 2 parts hamburger and 1 part Nutmeg. Grill for 20 minutes while you prepare some fried onions and cherry yogurt. Stuff the burger and onions in a French baguette (like an éclair) and top with the zest of a kumquat. Best served on a bed of chicken-flavored jello with whip cream and marshmallows.

Posted by hans1995 at 9:12 AM | Least Interesting

January 20, 2005

Darth Tater

CNN is reporting that "Darth Tater", a Darth Vader style Mr Potatoe Head, will be available for purchase this year... which got me thinking: if I had to cast fruits or veggies in the upcoming star wars film, who would I choose:


  • Yoda: Chinese Cabbage (wrinkled, green and wise)
  • Chewbacca: coconut (the furriest fruit I can think of... although the Ralph Wiggums quote may need to be changed to "I bent my coconut cookie.")
  • Darth Vader: A Yam (slightly more evil than a potatoe, but still part of the spud family.)
  • All Jedis: Carrots (the glowing orange phallas reminds me of a light saber... sometimes I pretend they are....)
  • Jabba the Hut: A pile of mashed brussel sprouts topped with a tart garlic butter sauce
  • Luke Skywalker: An orange. (Who could be mad at an orange or Luke? Plus it continues the theme of orange representing the Force).

ElderlyCorps

I call upon America's People-of-Age (Whatchu say, sonny? Speak up!!) to band together to form the world's first ElderlyCorps. It would be like a compulsory PeaceCorps for old duffers. Instead of greeting shoppers at the Walmart or watching squirrels out of the window (or arranging dead squirrels to watch walmart shoppers outside of their window), they could perform tasks that could in some way permanently scar today's youth (like cleaning up hazardous waste or spongebathing the... mselves....)

Posted by hans1995 at 3:43 PM | Least Interesting

January 11, 2005

The Raft of God

According to BBC News today.... Steve "Jobs unveiled a raft of products"... that got me thinking that most products are unveiled on podiums, platforms, tables, but rarely rafts. I felt honored to be witness to one of the few raft unveilings in modern history (since the Grapes of Rafts campaign in 1939) .... I would love to see Hormel's latest Chipotle Chili unveiled in a yellow, rubber raft floating through a sea of shredded cheddar. And why limit yourself to the raft when you could squeeze new pudding lines out of that little hole in a soccer ball or dramatically open the door to a big, yellow school bus to unveil a cascading wave of the new, Mauve M&M.

Posted by hans1995 at 2:35 PM | Least Interesting