« April 2007 | Main

May 1, 2007

how embarrassing...

I felt so embarrassed today in class when we all got up in front of the class and did that "question and answer panel". I had nothing to say and to contribute, and i basically said I was coward! oh geez... I don't want to be seen as a coward, but maybe I am one. I don't know.

The thing is that I'm very cautious about me being alone in this city ever since I've gone up here. I came from a small city where this wasn't too much of a problem, so its a bit of a wake up for me. I've been told horror stories of women being attacked on the streets, and I don't want that to happen to me. I'm very little, I'm a little over 100 pounds and easy for a guy to pick up. I'm always afraid that a guy might come up behind me and just pick me up. I'd be powerless. I'm not also strong and I certainly cannot take on a large guy. Whenever I go out alone, even on campus, I get scolded by my friends who say I should never go out alone. I took Karate this year to help me defend myself, but I'm just a beginner still.

When someone suggested Simpson's Shelter for homeless guys, as one can guess, I was very apprehensive. I kept on thinking, what will happen if a guy got up and over took me? What would I be able to do? I didn't say this to the teacher before because he tried to assure me that it would be okay, but I just didn't feel comfortable with the idea of working there.

So when we all got up there, and I was asked about my impressions of volunteering at Simpson's, I just couldn't lie. But I felt like such a coward. I tried to explain myself in that I was trying to be cautious of my well being, but I only felt like I was coming off as being selfish. And i really don't want to come off as being selfish.

Maybe I am a coward and maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. I feel bad either way. But i still don't know if I could volunteer there. I'd be just too afraid and uncomfortable. I do try to have courage when it comes to being around a lot of men in everyday life, especially since my major has mostly guys in it (aerospace engineering). But sometimes I cannot keep that little voice out of my head describing those horrors that can happen to a woman when they are alone.

ugh... I never felt I had to be cautious of this stuff before.

YES!!!! Finally...

I've got a volunteering job at PSP! Finally! I'm excited! I'll be a roaming librarian giving out books for children and adults to read! I'm a bit disappointed that I wasn't able to do this earlier, but at least I'm getting something done! At least people know that I tried to find a volunteering place!

Well, I went to an orientation/tour thing on Friday which was quite fun! I like this place a lot. You certainly see a lot of diversity here. A lot of different people come here with one thing in common: they are down on their luck and they need a place to stay. You'd be amazed at who comes in there.

In my tour, I saw pretty much all that the building has to offer to its residents. It had a 2 libraries (one for children and one for adults), computer labs, financial aid offices, health aid offices, a place that insured that the children were going to school, tutoring rooms, rooms and apartments as well, a kitchen, a nursery, and the list goes on! When I went in there, one of the first things that I saw that made me a bit nervous was that there was a metal detector right in the door way. At first I though "Is there a real danger here?" But then as I had my tour around the place, I noticed that there wasn't any danger at all and that the metal detector is just there to insure safety. As I walked around, I felt very comfortable. I even got to see a little 7 week old baby, and to know that its safe for a little one to live here, its certainly safe for me.

In my tour, I also saw an introductory movie talking a bit more about PSP and what goes on there. At first I was thinking that it was going to be just another one of those mandatory videos jobs always make their employees watch. But it was kind of cool. I got to see this one woman who had lived at PSP for a while and how she benefited from it a lot. I could tell that she was really impacted by the work done here for her and her family. I liked watching that, and I wish that I could do something like that for someone.

Also, on a lighter note, I was riding up the elevator with the volunteer coordinator who was giving me a tour when a bunch of guys got onto the elevator. They were your typical guys who look gangster with big baggy clothes and hats off to the side. One of them looks at me and says "you've got to be 12 or something". I had to laugh and I said "no, I'm 19!" oh geez! That is certainly not the first time I've been mistaken for a preteen, and I'm sure its not going to be the last!