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how embarrassing...

I felt so embarrassed today in class when we all got up in front of the class and did that "question and answer panel". I had nothing to say and to contribute, and i basically said I was coward! oh geez... I don't want to be seen as a coward, but maybe I am one. I don't know.

The thing is that I'm very cautious about me being alone in this city ever since I've gone up here. I came from a small city where this wasn't too much of a problem, so its a bit of a wake up for me. I've been told horror stories of women being attacked on the streets, and I don't want that to happen to me. I'm very little, I'm a little over 100 pounds and easy for a guy to pick up. I'm always afraid that a guy might come up behind me and just pick me up. I'd be powerless. I'm not also strong and I certainly cannot take on a large guy. Whenever I go out alone, even on campus, I get scolded by my friends who say I should never go out alone. I took Karate this year to help me defend myself, but I'm just a beginner still.

When someone suggested Simpson's Shelter for homeless guys, as one can guess, I was very apprehensive. I kept on thinking, what will happen if a guy got up and over took me? What would I be able to do? I didn't say this to the teacher before because he tried to assure me that it would be okay, but I just didn't feel comfortable with the idea of working there.

So when we all got up there, and I was asked about my impressions of volunteering at Simpson's, I just couldn't lie. But I felt like such a coward. I tried to explain myself in that I was trying to be cautious of my well being, but I only felt like I was coming off as being selfish. And i really don't want to come off as being selfish.

Maybe I am a coward and maybe I am being selfish. Maybe I worry too much. I don't know. I feel bad either way. But i still don't know if I could volunteer there. I'd be just too afraid and uncomfortable. I do try to have courage when it comes to being around a lot of men in everyday life, especially since my major has mostly guys in it (aerospace engineering). But sometimes I cannot keep that little voice out of my head describing those horrors that can happen to a woman when they are alone.

ugh... I never felt I had to be cautious of this stuff before.