Freaking Out---but now feeling tamed.
I have to say, and you probably all saw... I was freaking out about the project(s) last night. It is so easy to feel pressured and lost in projects. I guess I could say I am a control freak, and it is so hard to let go. After talking with Kristin last night (thank you) I just decided to give up/give in. Last night, Kristin asked me if I was an artist. I went to art school. I love creating work. I love being creative. I finished my senior project. I never really thought I was an artist. I guess in this same way I do the work or an accountant 40 hours a week, but I don't call myself one. It is scarry to think that I am not owning what I am doing, or am too afraid to own it. I think I have just been mezmorized and too confused to be a participant in... well... my life. I feel like... "Incessantly--signs call out, to try to grab you, programmed general consensus signals determine where and when you walk, the intersecting spheres of psychic perceptive space of others in too close proximity creates confusion and imbalance." -Viola. I do what I think I need to do to eventually participate... but I am one big distraction, and all I do is anticipate the participating. This book project, first: made me want to cry, but then: made me want to burst with creativety. I havn't done something without being worried about the result in a long time. The first project: although I loved it, was more of another step for me, towards the goal. It is refreshing (and even a little scarry) to participate in something where the assignment is about the process, and not the end result. I am actually really glad we are doing this now... because ever since highschool, I have created things to fill an assignemnt, or goal, or duty, always awaiting the end result. Now, we can all bask in the glow of the experience.
Comments
Jenny,
I totally feel your pain, although I embrace every opportunity to return to craft and not have to worry about being perfect or fulfill an assignment objective. Trust me, it is so much more fulfilling in the end if you can enjoy the process. I'm glad Kristin was able to ease your anxiety and I hope you really enjoy this process! :)
Posted by: ange | April 21, 2007 12:05 AM
Hi Jenny- I know how you feel as well. I was stumped initially in this class by not having to "finish" a project to perfection. I've been so trained to do that every day at work for years and years- that it was hard for me to wrap my mind around the process of it being more important at times than the actual piece that I turned in. It's scary- but also really refreshing. When I posted about the 1001 Journals project, I didn't think it would inspire a new project at this late date, but it seems to have taken on a life of its own. At first it seemed hard- how do we fit this in when we barely know what we're doing with our 3rd project??? I worked on 3 journals over the weekend and LOVED it! It was fun to just do it without feeling pressured to make it look fabulous. My daughter joined in and made her own journal too. It gets back to the basic idea behind the 1001 Journals project- it's for people who don't see themselves as artists- but it's also something we creative people can totally embrace. If you look up the website, you will find it amazing visually. It sounds like you are sort of struggling with your own process- life and figuring out what you want to be/do. I can relate. Here I am 20 years after thinking I had that figured out, and now I want to do something else. It's overwhelming going back to school. Sometimes I think, "What was I thinking???, Who do I think I am???" But then I realize that it's working, and I try not to think about it too much- just go with the flow. Things happen for a reason. Sometimes when I force it, it doesn't work very well. I hope you'll relax and just go with it. You have lots of time. Just look at me- or your mom- whom you told me went back to school. You can always shift gears- now or later. Enjoy the journey.
Posted by: Julie Streitz | April 23, 2007 8:38 AM