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To the Captains of Industry:

It's been a busy semester here at the Center for Writing (Lord knows you've been busy too), but not so busy that we'd pass up the opportunity to extend to you a small token of our support, if only to let you know that when the RNC rolls around next fall, you can count on us to be there for you, 100%.

Now, it's true you don't see us consultants doing the really important work – driving truck convoys of Iraqi oil, signing people up for new credit cards – but you know, we’re a positive bunch, and although we wonder sometimes why you permit this inefficient and unproductive business of "writing" to go on at all, we hope you’ll be pleased to hear a little about our work, and about what we’re doing these days to keep everything moving nice and smooth towards homogeneous global technocracy.

You see, as the 'friendly face' of the technocracy, we writing consultants have disciplinary powers that are largely invisible, and that makes us a terrific starting point for students who are still getting used to the idea of total subjection to rigid institutional power. We share your commitment to the regulation and standardization of human thought and behavior, and we're doing all we can to advance those shared ideals in both our daily consulting practice and in our research. The systematic pursuit of new ways to kill and control people is the motor of good research in all disciplines, and we are as committed as you to that spirit of inquiry.

Our commitment to the military-industrial complex is a personal one, too. For many of us the academy is a refuge from a boring and unpleasant world, so we think it fitting that much of the work done here should be dedicated to its ultimate destruction. Among the threatening phenomena that researchers at the University of Minnesota have been working to eliminate are non-standard English, animals that bite, momentary uncertainty about the date or time, different-sized ears of corn, and the Middle-East, to name but a few. We at the Center for Writing hope this kind of work will make it possible for all of humanity to experience the creamy florescence and well-defined social roles we are lucky to enjoy here in Nicholson Hall.

And what is the Center for Writing doing to realize this vision of a prison-world without escape? That's a hard question to answer in a few words, because the day-to-day work of the writing consultant is immensely varied. On a given day we might review the grad.school application of a future biological weapons technician, or help a student journalist learn how to dismiss and pathologize the “journalism? of our many enemies. But we contribute as scholars, too, and the writing center research we've been conducting will extend your benevolent system of discipline and surveillance into the very minds of our student writers.

We have our moments of worry and self-doubt, to be sure, often thanks to the incitements of certain alarmist theorists, who warn us that the 'subversive potential' of our position can be used to 'challenge disciplinary boundaries'. At these times it's the little things that can reassure us most. Sometimes all it takes is the look of silent shame on the face of a young writer who has just been robbed of his authentic voice to remind us of the power we have to destroy difference. And after all, what do we have to lose in defending the system that has served us so well?


We are your humble servants.

-The Center for Writing

Comments

This is the best thing that's happened to me all day.

Thats great, Gabe, and I was beginning to wonder if what we do here had any real meaning!

Ditto with Emily - this is post is awesome.

Gabe, you are my hero.

lovely

love. it.