Thresholds

...I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

From the poem, " I Will Not Live An Unlived Life"

This month, I invite you to reflect on these words from the beautiful poem by Dawna Markova, and what they could mean for your life.

What seed has been given to you?
What thought, idea, passion, or dream is waiting to be nourished and grown in you? Are you longing to learn, to write, to design, to teach, to build, to mentor? A seed cannot take root on its own. It must have your active participation to give it the particular water, air, light, and food it needs to blossom and flourish.

What will it mean when seed turns to blossom?
What will you do with the yield from your care and attention to bring seed to blossom? Where will you take what you have tended and grown so that others may benefit (e.g. the classroom, the community, etc.)? How will what you have cultivated in yourself and others bear fruit?

What is needed to bear fruit from blossom?
The fruit is the place where your skills, values, passion, interests, education, and learning meet the needs of the world. Whether it is one person, a group of people, a community or greater, that is the place where both you as the giver and the other(s) as receiver will be fed and nourished. The place where new seeds will grow, blossom and bear fruit.

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Adults in conversation with children will often resort to this fail-safe question to make a connection with a child. Children usually have a quick and ready answer: an astronaut! A fireman! A pilot! A teacher! And so on. They call out their favorites without restraints, without hesitation. They see it and they believe it.

Can you remember longing for the grown-up day when you would magically become who and what you dreamed to be? For some people, things turned out exactly as believed; for others a new, different, and often surprising path was followed.

Whatever your path has been to now, do you find yourself coming full circle lamenting, "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up!" You are not alone. In my work as a coach, I hear it often. I've been in that place myself. The timing is different for everyone. There is no right time, nor wrong time. Yet, when the question evolves from a lament to a gnawing question, it may be that something either has or has not happened in your life, and change is imminent.

What often follows the gnawing question is a need for answers. Answers that make sense, that are tangible, easy, and manageable. Answers that are solid and will help us move forward. We look 'out there' since looking inward can be difficult. It can mean the difference between being practical and emotional. Both come into play when faced with hard decisions. We rely on personal history, experiences, and well-formed beliefs. But if our past gives us any indication that we have limitations, we tend to forget all the good stuff, and take the safe route. The safest route is usually to keep the status quo. We go with the belief that trying something new will be too difficult and failure is likely. A belief that can stop us in our tracks.

Instead, what if you decided to approach the question as a child - without hesitation, without restraint, believing in possibilities. Change must start there. If you can move aside your roadblocks, you will make room for the first step. The step that includes both looking inward and looking outward. It involves reflection, feedback, research, discussion, listening, ideas, and embracing "maybe's" and "could-be's."

To help you move around your roadblocks, give some thought to the following questions. As you consider these questions, think about your strengths, your skills, and the value you bring to a new venture.

• What are the characteristics that you consistently demonstrate in situations where you feel most accomplished?

• How would you describe your uniqueness and areas of expertise (what do you do that makes you stand out as a person)?

• How would you describe others' perception of what they can consistently expect from you (your peers, colleagues, clients, customers, friends, family)?

Ask for help from those who know you. How would they answer these questions about you?

This process can help you tap into the openness of your child within, and may move you closer to knowing what you really want to be when you grow up.

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Donna Bennett is on summer sabbatical. Be sure to reconnect in September with this outstanding coach and career consultant as she offers guidance through changes we all experience: jobs, aging, relationships, careers, and more.

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Self-efficacy, the perception that one can achieve a goal, is at the core of choosing a new path or beginning anything that is unknown.

You may have a dream or want to pursue a passion that will give you purpose and meaning. While dreams and passion are terrific, and finding purpose and meaning are noble and necessary, there is also yourself to consider. If you fail in your heart and soul to believe that you can make something happen, you may find yourself running headlong into a wall of self-made barriers.

You may not recognize the wall since self-made barriers are easy to miss. They often sound like this: "I don't have the time; "I don't have the money"; "My partner (or boss, friends, parents, etc.) will never support me!"; "Not now, but maybe when...."; "What! In this economy?!?" These are all reasons that, in our minds, are easy to justify. Our minds can be the great gatekeepers that hold our tender hearts and souls from realizing fulfillment.

A cycle of dreams battling barriers often begins when our guard is down - when we are vulnerable and stressed and yearning for something new. We may take a few steps in a new direction - such as signing up for a class or workshop, searching the Net for ideas, or perhaps talking to a friend or counselor for encouragement. Then things snap back to normal, and "heart and soul" take a back seat to "mind." The old barriers move back to the surface and reason wins over dreams. Yet feelings of vulnerability always return, and the cycle begins again.

What does it take to believe - really believe - that you can do what you dream of doing?

Some take a reactive approach. They reach a point where they cry out, "Enough!" and jump in head-first. Others move only when a catalyst gives them permission to move. And still others take the procrastination approach, waiting and waiting for the "sure thing."

Belief in yourself may mean taking time to go deep inside to see what beliefs need to be changed, mourned, and released to make room for the new. Beliefs that no longer work can be changed. Look for ways that work best for you, and proceed slowly. New beliefs are likely to take hold when you are deliberate and intentional. Some things to consider include relying on positive personal history and experience, reality testing, working with a counselor, or the support of friends who are nonjudgmental, who will keep you accountable, and cheer you on.

When all is congruent - when mind, heart, and soul are working together, there is a greater chance for self-efficacy to work in your favor. Your ideas, passions, and dreams will have a chance to go past the inevitable barriers and win the battle of change.

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Most lives are composed of stops and starts, interruptions, surprises and sameness. We
make noises about balance and stress, purpose, meaning and passion, while living in the
reality of our choices that we name: "have to’s."

We allow internal and external barriers to get in the way of what we say we want, and
spend energy on being unhappy about not having it. All the while, our lives are shifting
and moving through different stages. We go to school, get jobs, make progressive career
moves, form romantic partnerships, create families and take on more and more
responsibility. We win, we lose, we gain, we slip back. The people and circumstances
change, but our patterns for how we operate often remain unchanged.

We rarely stop to dream, much less take time to make our dreams come true. That is, the
kinds of dreams we had when we were10 or 12. Ages when our hopes and aspirations had
no boundaries, and before we became influenced by overt and covert messages from our
environment and society, leading us down different paths.

Purpose and passion may now seem elusive, but it depends on how you interpret them.
First, you don’t have to wait for the one "Big Thing" to draw you out, or wait for some
future date to focus on making your life meaningful. Think of all that you do now. What
are the things that, when you are doing them, you feel most like your natural self? It may
be in your home, in your work, in your community, with friends or family, or in your
leisure time. Look at your past. What were the things you did that gave you the greatest
pleasure? What in the present gives you meaning? If you look, you can find pieces in
every day life that can be constructed into a whole that gives greater meaning and
purpose now, and can expand into your future. A future planned with intention.

Do you like to write? Do you love to learn? Does mentoring or coaching others give you
great satisfaction? Do you find joy in creating a piece of art? Did you change your major
in college because you were told that you couldn’t earn a living in your chosen field? Is
your chosen field, or some form of it still open to you? Take steps to incorporate more of
what you love into your current life. Take stock, choose one of your joyful activities, do
more of it, or do it more often, or do it because it is something you have always wanted to
do.

Confide in someone close to you, or find a mentor or life coach to help you expand on
your ideas. And, more importantly, choose someone you trust who will cheer you on and
keep you accountable.

Wherever you are in your life, you can create an opportunity to make an intentional move
at the threshold of a new phase.

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The beginning of a new thing means there will be change. It also means something else is ending. Even the newborn leaves behind the safety and familiarity of the womb to enter and begin its new life. For those of us who have been in the world awhile, experience can be our guide.

Standing at the door of change, we are faced with choices, unknowns, opportunities, and decisions. With that also come fear, excitement, and doubt. Each of us will take different approaches depending on the degree of change, its impact on ourselves and others, our past experiences and who we are.

There is no right or wrong approach to change. There is the way that works best for you and your situation. However, if you know change is imminent, or are in the middle of it, you can choose to be proactive, passive, or reactive. Again, it may depend on what is at stake. Whether you are currently managing a change, or just want to be ready when it comes again, here are some questions to help you prepare:

• What impact will your choices/decisions have on those close to you (i.e., financially, emotionally, time-related)?

• What are your typical behaviors/responses when faced with change? Do you want to behave/respond differently this time?

• When you look at ways in which you have handled change in the past, did your actions work well, not so well, or did they not work at all? If you want to change your actions, how will you make that happen?

• Have you identified resources that may be helpful to you? Have you thoroughly explored and/or utilized those resources?

In our new and uncertain economy, many of us are at the point of making decisions about our jobs or careers. Whether you willingly leave a job, are forced to leave due to downsizing, or are still working, but frozen with doubt and fear about the future, it helps to be intentional about your choices. Asking yourself the above questions can help you prepare, but you may first need to ask, “What is my intention with this decision/choice?”

For example, in the case of feeling frozen about the path your job may take, your intention may be to wait to see what happens. If that is true, then it will be important to:

• have open discussions with those close to you about your choice.

• look back at how you have handled similar situations in the past – what worked what didn’t?

• explore resources, which could mean leveraging your strengths by taking a class or a course to learn new skills.

Both beginnings and endings are inherent in change. We play an essential role in the outcome.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.
Pauline R. Kezer

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Another threshold,
another door,
another world,
to explore.

from "Another Threshold" by Raymond A. Foss

Thresholds present us with opportunities to move forward. In the ebb and flow of our lives, we stand at many doors that beckon us. Whether we enter freely, go kicking and screaming, or turn away, our moments on thresholds shape and mold our lives. Join coach and career consultant Donna Bennett as she offers guidance through changes we all experience: jobs, aging, relationships, careers, and more.

Donna Bennett is a licensed psychologist, author, lecturer, presenter, coach, and consultant who, over her 24-year career, has focused on professional leadership, career and life transitions, and work/life balance. Her book, When You Lose Your Job, was published in 2002 by Augsburg Press. She works as an internal consultant for the Office of Human Resources at the University of Minnesota, and she has a private practice. Donna teaches life skills workshops in LearningLife.

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