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From how to write....notes that saved a woman's life

Next to the last note: It’s not about the man and the dog

though they both keep barking. It’s not about good writing or bad writing.
The woods or the inner city.

I can write notes forever, and might have to
to live. It’s okay. It’s okay.

It’s also okay to not write. To not write notes. To not write suicide notes.

It’s okay to put away the putting away.
The putting away of concrete things.
The putting away of judgment, of being judged.

Imagine

wherever we are, whomever we are, we are remembered.

The color red may be remembered, but not the dress or socks.
The red that is you will be remembered. Is remembered

not the poem that you wrote, but it’s aroma, its taste, its texture, its sound.

The writing is not good or bad. The man and the dog are not good or bad.
The woman, the husband, the sister, the brother-in-law, the teacher, the minister are
who they are.

I used to believe in purgatory, always
attempting to escape,
and getting nowhere

the paradigm is magic.
Life with a sorcerer’s hand—the witch and the writer.
Allusions. Illusions.
I can make my fake self disappear

the invisible seen, the silent heard, the fearful unafraid; angels triumphant!

Living is hard. Writing is hard. The dark clouds invite us to rest, to mourn,
to gather our black hats and swords.

I’m not who you think I am; you’re not who I think you are.

It’s all in the shuffling, it’s how the cards are dealt. It’s all in who is holding the cards.

Now you see me, now you don’t.
I am not today who I was yesterday.

I cannot write today what I could have written yesterday and tomorrow
ghosts will appear and angels. Slight of hand

missing the movement, the moment, the transition, the process
conjured by one’s private muses.

There are no rules.

There are no rules, there are only familiar recipes that haunt us, that speak to us,
that call our name, and demand that we stir the pot and boil the soup.

The man and the dog disappear. Abruptly.
The sun softens in the west and the evergreens lose their sharp needles.

I practice magic.

A word here, a sentence there, a poem, a story.

Abracadabera.

Mix snakes and rabbits and choke-cherry trees.
Mix black eyed peas and string bean chop suey.
Mix tuna noodle casserole and apple pie.
Mix and stir, shake and shout, and turn myself about

freedom. F R E E D O M each letter a note in the song,
in the singing, in the longing, in the giving, in the receiving.
Last line, end of the line, end of the poem, the story, the book sets us free
then, begins again.

It’s my words and how I write them.
My ghosts and my angels and how and if and when and why I receive them.
It’s my madness and my happiness and how I perceive them.
It’s what I want to give and who I want to give it to.

Stir the pot or let it simmer.
Jump in or taste what’s cooking.
Smell the dream or toss the nightmare.

Truth is smooth like jazz, hot like Tabasco, wet like whispers, salty like pork, sassy like laughter, smart like girl friends, slick like water.

I want it to not hurt.
I want it to not waste my time.
I want it to be nobody’s fault (it is).
I want it to not be fatal.

I want it to sing. I want it to laugh. I want it to dance. I want it to embrace. I want it to soar. I want it to live. I want it to live. I want it to live. To live. I want it.

The man and the dog. I want them to live (just not with me).
I want the woman to live (just not with me).
I want the child to live (just not with me).
I want to live.
I want to live.
I want. To

write. Fewer
suicide notes.
Fewer notes.
I want to write love.
I want to write love letters.

This is a letter of love.

© Sherry Quan Lee 10/21/07


It’s True What They Say, I Am A Writer

Yes, I have a writer’s curriculum vitae ten pages long.
Each line item is a step in a long journey of survival.
I write to survive.
I started in second grade.
I should have started in kindergarten.
I should have started the day I was born.

I remember only what I want to remember.
The rest of it I make up or avoid.
Imagination is the same as truth.

I am not as bad as I imagine.
I am good.

Every word, every phrase, every verse, every paragraph I write
is a blessed breath, a will to live,
a protest against invisibility,
a protest against death.

I am a writer.

I teach writing.
Yes, writing can be taught.
I can teach you.
I can teach you to create a curriculum vitae.
Each line item a blessed step in your life’s journey.

Writing can save your life.

The first photo taken of me was in front of our stucco house
on a hill in South Scandinavian Minneapolis. I am dressed
in blue silk Chinese pajamas with tiny pink frog closures.

The mandarin collar is choking my smile.

I am looking away from the camera.
Down the street.
Past the Lutheran church.
Past the houses of little blonde girls who attend the Lutheran church
Sunday school with me.

Past the family I don’t know.
The family that does not recognize me.

The family that dignifies me by binding my feet
in black brocade Chinese slippers.
The family that poses me in front of the dolly buggy
where the blue-eyed baby-doll is comforted
by my brown-arm embrace.

Caretaking, for me, comes from a history of caretaking.
It’s hard to shake. Mama shook it, though.

Mama shook her black mama, her black siblings.
She shook her black grandma and the plantation owner’s son who claimed
he loved her. Great-grandma said no and meant it.
But she accepted the gift of a pig.

(We do what we have to for survival.)

My mama’s family had dignity. Integrity. Didn’t matter, though.
Babies were still born.
Women were raped.

Mama shook the south and southerners and black Baptists.

She shook so hard, like Black Sambo giving away his purple shoes and hat.
My sisters and I were the rich, creamy butter she got in return for all her glory.
All that shaking, though, didn’t make Mother thin.
She was fat in lies and deception.

She was fat from carrying five babies, fat from sheltering, protecting
those babies into adulthood. She taught us to fit in, to blend, to hide,
to be invisible. She also taught us, if the neighbors and the school children didn’t believe we were white—be Chinese. Be exotic. Wear embroidered silk,
play mah jong, eat chow mein.

Mother fantasized about Chinese men.
She read romance novels about British ladies and Asian men.
She loved my Chinese father.

We could be Chinese, she said, but only
when necessary; we could never be Black.

Mama shook so hard. She shook so hard Daddy disappeared.
I was five years old.
The only history I don’t have to imagine is a five year old girl in Chinese pajamas
in front of a doll buggy in front of cement steps, in front of a stucco house on a hill in an all white Minneapolis neighborhood.

I seductively paraded my baby Asian exoticism at the Powderhorn Park doll buggy parade

(sadness can easily be mistaken for seduction).

This is the first line on my curriculum vitae: 1953, I am five years old,
my daddy has disappeared.

What is the first line on your curriculum vitae?

On a day when you are sad, when you are feeling lonely, when you don’t love yourself very much
get a notebook, a purple pen.
Write a book.
A memoir or maybe you’ll call it fiction.

Take your time, don’t rush.
What is it you remember?
What is it you have imagined?
What subjects do you want to cover?
Name the chapters.
How do all the chapters interrelate?
What is your theme?
What carries your journey as a hero forward, and back, and forward?

Then, put your notes away.
Wait a day or two or a week or a month.
Wait until the next time you’re feeling sad, you’re feeling lonely, you’re feeling worthless, you’re feeling you have no purpose in life.
Then, with, or without, your notes, begin.

Not necessarily at the beginning, the chronology will sort itself
when it needs sorting. Begin with what’s on your mind now!
What obsesses you? Who are you mad at, in love with, jealous of?

I am Chinese and Black, but grew up passing for white.
My theme is overcoming invisibility and silence.

Your theme will slowly become visible as you write, the more you write.
When you discover it, name it.
Say it aloud.
Remember it.
Imagine it.
Write towards it.

My theme is sewn together in words on paper bags, note paper, in journals; words published and unpublished.
Words read to small audiences and large audiences.
Words that were mostly imagined.

Imagination a vehicle to understanding.

© Sherry Quan Lee 10/21/07

Comments

Slide
I am sliding. Down the hill, move through the trees, snow on all sides, feel the wind against my face. I slide through the air and I wonder if this is how it feels to fly. The bottome comes abruptly and I fly off the sled and hit the snow. I lay there.

It's 1979. And I'm trying to figure out what exactly is happening to my family. It feels like we are sliding down a hill. My sister has leukemia and I don't know what that means other than her going to the hospital, losng her hair, and taking lots of medicine. I don't know how she feels. I am not sure where this will take us. I get up and dust off the snow and hike back up the hill laughing with my friend.

But I 'm not laughing on the inside. I want all this to end, uncertainty of Kim's health. It's put a strain on my mom. Mom goes with Kim to every appointment and I can see her shifting. I can see her trying top protect. She's changing and I want to change with her. I wnat to go with her to help out. I wnat to help out but I can't because I am 12.

i am only 12 and my sister who I do everything with is not the same. She's different. She has leukemia and what does that mean? I try to figure it out in my head. I cna only hear my mom saying it's an overpopulation of white blood cells.

But what does that mean? An overpopulation of blood cells? Does that mean Kim is in harm's way? Does that mean she will always have to go to the doctor and be in the hospital? What does that mean? Where do I fit in all of this? She is my sister. She is my friend. And I want her to be o.k. but i don't now how to make it o.k. I get back on the sled with my friend and ride down the hill. Is slide through the air and wonder if this is how it feels to fly. I wonder is this how it feels to die.

Copyright
Lori Young-Williams
2/1/05

Bio

Lori Young-Williams is a biracial poet who lives in Minneapolis. She received her degree from the University of Minnesota in Human Relationships with an emphasis in family relationships which most of her poetry is about. Her poetry has been published in Interrace magazine1992, the Turtle River Press, 1994 and 1997, two poetry anthologies, National Library of Poetry and Quill Books, 1994. Lori was co-facilitator of Poetic Black Fusion from 2003 – 2005. She worked with Wesley Brown on historical fiction writing, summer of 2003. Lori has read at Blue Moon Café, Hopkins Art Center, Kitty Cat Klub, Patrick’s Cabaret and the Amazon Bookstore. She has self-published two chapbooks of poetry. She has done a spoken word production titled "Black, White; Chinese women Got the Beat" with Sherry Quan Lee as wel as "Notes from the Bi-Squad" with Shannon Gibney. Lori finds peace watching the night sky.