but i am sick of it. my poli sci paper totally sucks. it is a really interesting topic but not so interesting as far as the kind of paper that i am supposed to write. and if i needed any hint that qualitative was not for me...it takes all of the fun out of reading/thinking about the material when you are just trying to fit it in a slot for your damn coding system. if i had been smart i would have imposed some limits but instead i am spending my weekend coding hundreds of pages.
I have also been in the medical study for a week now. i have to stay in for one night this weekend and all of next weekend. the pills themselves don't seem to have much effect (except for the intense nightmares i had for the 1st three nights, on the 4th night i dreamed about shopping for a bracelet and then last night it was about my tooth breaking in my mouth and falling out and then i also found my wisdom tooth that was taken out last summer) anyways that part that sucks is that i will miss the gso holiday party and to the ad awards. the one chance to be semi-social outside of school (other than the-project-is-running-way-too-late drinking). other good things that no one in my outside life cares about: i think i am getting fully funded again next semester. it is pretty big deal because i only know of 1 other 1st year who is and it is so nice because i honestly don't know what i would do (duh get another job) if i only had 25%. I am taking it as a flattering thing (let me just spin this one thing GOOD) but then of course, i can' t even let my self have that because i think that if it is a sign that people think i am 'worthy' then it means that i have expectations that i am not sure that i can live up to. i mean they may very well change their minds when they see what my final projects and tests look like. i just hate to disappoint. also i just wish that i could have one person to jump up and down with. my dad didn;t seem to care. matt doesn;t either and i can't really tell the other students or it will seem like bragging.
or maybe they will just stumble across all of this. i mean what is the attraction here. i worry that others may see what i have to say but i haven't made it private. i'm not writing all of this in my abandoned journal. i think it has to do with some sort of hope that if someone did read it they would see something that they identify with or like or that makes me seem like the smartest person ever (ha ha) and then i also judge myself in those terms thinking that maybe i should at least use correct grammar or even correct words.
i swear i will go through and put in all of my ramblings for myself when these next couple of weeks are over. the real whole reason for this is to keep all of my margin(al) musings in one place so that maybe i could revisit any one that may be interesting. i don't have time to even do the things that i do need to do much less luxuries like that. strangely, i am looking forward to the finals but dreading the writing of these experiments. i think it is because i feel like the group projects are just so bogged down and somewhat out of my control and i also know that i can push any blame for my own inadequecies on to my group members. with the finals i will get a chance to see if i can really handle what i need to handle.Posted by leig0028 at December 4, 2004 11:34 PM