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July 20, 2005
a life less ordinary
Sometimes i think that things are going pretty well. i am a doctoral student with prelims right around the corner, no debt to speak of, a great (and decidedly well decorated, if i do say so myself) apartment, fantastic boyfriend, fun hobbies, etc. i'm pretty smart, not bad looking, and pretty good at most of the stuff i try. Then i go an do a stupid thing like google the names of some old friends from high school and before. My lab partners from physics? They are now doctors. That's right, folks, fucking medical doctors. One even had a kid and still made it through before i'm even to prelims. The girl i used to hang out with in 6th grade gifted? She's a model, performer, entrepreneur, comedienne, and writer now living in Manhattan. i spend my time wondering if i should swiffer or not and planning what i'm going to buy at Target. i knit little things that i can wear. they are sometimes really cute, but seeing where other people currently are in the world does throw their smallness into relief. i enjoy and get a sense of ironic glee from making these things, but what if that irony is, in the end, counterproductive? i know that is not a hip cultural-studies thing to say, but what if its not really getting me anywhere? i realize that i could, instead, be watching tv or playing World of Warcraft or something equally mindless, but i am not arguing for a lesser evil. rather, that the pastimes i enjoy (and that pretend to be somewhere outside the system) are really just that, passing the time and not actually contributing anything special. Adorno wrote quite a bit on how hobbies and pastimes are tools built into the culture industry to allow for a small and false sense of accomplishment within the constraints of parasitic capitalism. i can't help thinking that he's right. i made a kick ass skirt yesterday from hot rod material. i like it, but so what?
My camera is somewhere in Eagan. Maybe i will get it today and take some art pictures and feel fulfilled and my life will be changed forever. This shit was supposed to go away when my period started. Fuck.
*Special Note: this is not intended as an emo search-for-validation "please tell me everything i do is ok" post, so please don't. there is just something wrong with the way we do things.
Posted by loyd0008 at July 20, 2005 3:26 PM
Comments
Wow, your friends are successful? I'm a big loser, and I'm easily the most successful person I knew in high school. Most of them aren't even google-able. What does that say about a person if s/he doesn't appear anywhere on the World Wide Web?
Posted by: Jim at July 20, 2005 5:23 PM
not entirely sure what you're saying with this post, jim...(?) i assume sarcasm most places i see it, so...
but if its not meant to be snarky, then i know what you mean. in a culture so saturated by this medium, what does it mean that my real name doesn't even show up when googled? yikes.
Posted by: villain at July 20, 2005 5:52 PM