Guest Author: The Insider Archives

May 16, 2005
Burgers in Mankato

Note: Today's guest columnist is from The Insider who goes back in time to that fateful night in Mankato......

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I remember a warm, humid evening in 1991 or so...

Training camp had just begun. The warm, humid air, and the drunken coeds were a lethal combination. I was standing in the Albatross bar drinking my fill of two-buck schooners, when I suddenly felt the urge to get something to eat.

Once I managed to make my way out of the bar into the parking lot, I headed next door to the now-defunct Hardees restaurant. I should mention that three henchmen, my normal nightly “pub crawling” companions, were with me.

We paused to engage in some cat calling at the ex-girlfriend of one of my amigos, who was busy purging her nightly cache of beer onto the sidewalk. We were then full of ourselves for showing her who was boss.

As we headed over to Hardees for some well-deserved saturated fat, our lives were about to be forever changed. I heard the roar of a Corvette, and a brand new one at that.

Then I heard a voice, that unmistakable voice. It was our Pro Bowl defensive tackle Keith Millard. You always knew when he was around. Well, ol’ Keith was trying to dock his new spaceship in the U.S.S. Hardees drive thru. Keith made the approach like a champ, stopped the car, and appeared to be digging under his seat for change.

I then noticed him flip open the glove box. Let's remember that this is a TRUE sports car - no automatic transmission here. Let’s also remember you have to keep your foot on the clutch if you’re gonna stay in gear and try to Multi-Task (trademark) at a fast food drive thru window.

Ol' Keith kept revving the engine, trying to impress the drunken women who seemed to be everywhere that night. In doing so, however, his mental awareness slipped, and so did his clutch. Then, like a great white shark leaping out of the water to eat an unsuspecting seal, the car seemed to just flip over.

I remember seeing this almost in like a "Matrix" type fashion. The whole world stopped for a second, and all you could see was Millard doing the "I've never been in a canoe before" type of flip.

From the now-steaming pile of fiberglass and metal emerged what I can only describe as the angriest human being ever to walk the earth. What followed was a chain of expletives, kicks to the already-defeated car and punches thrown at phantom aggressors that would have made Mike Tyson feel much better about trying to eat someone's ear.

We all stood back and waited for him to evaporate into a mushroom cloud of fury. The fact that everyone was laughing at him only spurred more anger. The car was completely on its side and was threatening to fall on its topside.

When he let go of the clutch with the engine revving high, it sent the car
careening up the wall of landscape timbers at about 150 mph. The result was
a quick climb up a two to three-foot wall, and the car plopped onto its side,
teetering dangerously.

I was literally in hysterics as I shoveled my sack of cheeseburgers into my gullet. A few people offered Keith help, and he yelled, "DON'T TOUCH IT!" at the top of his lungs.

Now, had Keith been drinking? I'll leave that up to you. I know everyone else in that bar, including about 20 Vikings, were all imbibing that night.

About that time, the curfew bell was ready to go off for all the Vikes. That meant get your ass to the Gage towers or face the wrath of Montgomery Burns. A stiff fine would also be waiting in your stocking the next morning.

We all dispersed as a wrecker came and righted the mighty USS Millard. The rest of the details were a little fuzzy to me. I was now more interested in the abundance of CHICS in the parking lot looking for a ride home.

Yes, this would make me look very cool. I did not flip my car.

Posted by maasx003 at 6:27 PM
May 11, 2005
Introducing 'The Insider'!

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This person has given me the inside scoop from Winter Park for a few months now. And this person has been spot on in all cases.

For example, recall when you all laughed when I told you the Vikes would select Troy Williamson over Mike Williams if both were on the board? That was The Insider.

So, The Insider and I have continued to chat now and then over the last few months. And I think I've finally convinced this person to provide regular material for this humble blog whether in the form of a hot rumor OR this person may just decide to write a column for the blog. In any event, I'm glad this person is aboard with the Viking Underground. You should be too!

We recently had a conversation about David Dixon as some early season forecasts were underway with some of the football rags.

According to The Insider, Dixon is a "last resort" signing. The Vikes simply felt Dixon wore down too much last year, but was very effective for 50% of the snaps. Dixon's still in good shape, just getting old, and can't take the beating he used to. If there is an injury in training camp, look for the team to snap him up quick. The Insider also says that Dixon does NOT want to play for another team, and would retire first.

We also started to chat about Doobie Brother Smith. The Insider says to look for the club to take the hard line with him if the NFL gives any indication of an investigation or questions why he had such a device in his luggage. The Insider knows Smith is in the dog house with management.

The Insider also has some thoughts on recently drafted Ciatrick Fason. If you'll recall, the team traded their 5th round pick to nab this guy. The Insider says it wasn't to put him on special teams but that the Vikes envision the following scenario:

1) Bennett will be traded, hurt, or sign with another team by next year (unless he is the second coming of OJ Simpson this year...not the axe murderer part!).

2) Mewelde Moore probably isn't durable enough mentally or physically to be a feature back.

3) Onterrio Smith just did what everyone KNEW he would do...something stupid. Sooooo, if you put all the numbers together, it doesn't look good for SOD. The Insider thinks that the amount of heat put on the Vikes by the NFL, the fans and other players will determine how they react to SOD. The Insider laments that the Vikes are NOT NOT NOT as deep at tailback as a layman might think. And that's why the reach for Fason.

Update from The Insider

The Insider has now heard "that Smith is working out with the team. The NFL cannot punish him outright for having the Whizzinator and neither can the Vikings.

Hold tight people.

Round Four!

Today will be that first day to vote in the fourth week of the Best Vikings Draft Choice Ever Tournament. Last week you voted to take the field of sixteen down eight . Who will make the Final Four!?!?!

The fourth round ends 5/19 at 12:30:00 AM.

Let's break down the four match-ups with the winners determining the Final Four for next week.

The 60's Bracket

This contest will pit Fran Tarkenton against Alan Page.

The 70's Bracket

This contest has Chuck Foreman, drafted first round (12th overall) in the 1973 draft taking on Two-Minute Tommy Kramer.

The 80's Bracket

This contest has future Hall of Famer Randall McDaniel against Chris Doleman.

The 90's - Today Bracket

This contest will see new Oakland Raider Randy Moss try to burn Daunte Culpepper, taken in the 1st round of the 1999 draft.

Voting is now open in the fourth week of the Best Vikings Draft Choice Ever Tournament.

Coming tomorrow...SHOUT OUT! Friday.

Posted by maasx003 at 1:31 PM