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May 31, 2006


this past weekend was hot. the punk rock van took some offense to the extreme heat. the punk rock van is the most extreme vehicle on the streets. all the cars in the scion tour can't even match the extremeness of the PRV. just as the punk rock van had difficulty starting in the extreme cold, the extreme heat has caused some trouble. it is all due to an overdose of extreme. the spedometer has always worked on and off, but in the heat it works even less. i have found a solution to this problem as i accelerate over 55mph the needle jumps into action. so the PRV can go from 0-60 in about 2 seconds.

it is mathematically proven that if you have too much extreme in one area something is bound to break. just like if you put too much air into a balloon it will burst. see the following equation known as newton's extreme law:

extreme + extreme = 2extreme
(punk rock van) + (extreme temperatures) = too extreme

May 24, 2006

if there was an 'i' in 'team' it would only be worth 1 point

minneapolis cable access has caught my fancy. totally scrabble tuesday is one of those shows that appears so bad but you can't stop watching, like a car crash. every tuesday night at 11pm, Hamil the host collides with team minneapolis in a intense game of scrabble. team minneapolis consists of a diverse crowd of viewers who call in, with a different viewer calling in for each turn. there are even some regulars for team minneapolis like team fresh and team tony danza. pretty much people have a party in their house and call into the scrabble show to assemble words with their team. random lo fi graphics are thrown across the screen to interject the constant view of the scrabble board, things like toy alligators, photos of kittens and screen multipliers.

now i have never truly played scrabble but i have spent many hours passing by the grueling games between my mother, grandmother and aunt. so maybe i have picked up a few tricks. so i would like to assemble a team, neigh a dynasty. bring your dictionaries over to my place on tuesday evening, and we will try and put together some triple word scores.

May 21, 2006

the year is 2010

at 26 years of age, i will finally be able to attend a outdoor twins game in minneapolis. i have been loyal to the twins, attending countless games at the worst baseball venue in professional baseball, with exception to the skydome in toronto. i never truly knew how much i was missing until attending the twins game in milwaukee on friday. the metrodome has 1,392 seats with an obstructed view, the new stadium will be built solely for baseball so there will be 0 seats with obstucted view. all of the seats will be angled to watch the baseball game, not the 50 yard line. there will be real grass, and the sun can shine in. thank you minnesota legislators. today is a great day for outdoor sporting events. let me know when tickets go on sale, so i can save my seat for the 2010 home opener.

see some more comparisons on the proposed stadium to the metrodome here: http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/min/ballpark/new_banter.jsp?content=comparison

read more on the stadium deal here: http://www.startribune.com/587/story/445697.html

even more proposed stadium info, including a virtual tour: http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/min/ballpark/index.jsp

May 20, 2006

milwaukee: we came. we saw. we conquered.

the morning started in minneapolis, with a bowl of honey nut tastee-os.
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as we started our drive out, we found satan driving a scary truck. so roommate tom and i chased him back to his hell hole known as wisconsin.
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we ran into the scion tour, so we joined the tour for a short stint. their cars are cool because they put stickers on them.
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we were forced on a one hour detour, but nothing would stop us from cheering on the twins.
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not even the temptation of buying a christmas tree in may.
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or alien space ships.
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the aliens planted strange gas pumps. tom had trouble with the technology, but i used my star trek knowledge to figure them out.
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behold. the enemies fortress. hopefully soon the twins will have a stadium of equal awesomeness.
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we had sweet seats right next to the field. so close we could play in the sand. we were joined by many other twins fans, creating what seemed to be a twins home game. plenty of high 5 buddies.
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tom and i got into some heated arguments with some brewers fans outside. we made fun of their make up. they said it was face paint. in the end only one thing was important. scoreboard! twins win.
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so tom and i went to find his sister downtown to celebrate. tom found some beer at the bar.
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and i found a bear.
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it was a great road trip. if you would like to see more photos, check tom's facebook album.

May 16, 2006


last night i was walking past the phillips wangensteen building on my way to meet kelsey to catch a show at the 400 bar. it was a pleasant evening, the weather was finally starting to warm up. the sun was setting and the street lights were slowly flickering on. a scruffy old man was jogging by, wearing a matching green sweatshirt and sweatpants. a peaceful evening jog. everything appeared normal until he slowed up and walked over to a window at the PW building. the lights in the room were on but the blinds were drawn. he leaned up against the window as if to take a breather but then he hulked out and began pounding on the window yelling "GET TO WORK! GET TO WORK! GET TO WORK!" i decided to continue on my way. while i have some huge guns, the hulk can stop missles so i decided to save our epic battle for a later date.

at work today i encountered another fit of rage. once again it was our beloved elevator hater. she was wearing her caterer get up. i was waiting for the elevator on the ground floor when she burst out of a backroom. i had already pushed the button to call the elevator, but she gave it a few more solid hits just for good measure. both elevators arrived at the same time, i had my fill of rage the previous evening so i decided to board the opposite elevator. as i patiently waited for the doors to open, she turned her arm into a crowbar and began prying open the elevator door, "C'MON! C'MON! Garghhhh!" if she were a super villian caterer, her backstory must include her family being killed in an elevator and so she seeks vengeance against all elevators in the world.

i cannot explain the actions of these two but the green sweatpants hulk should go up against caterer the elevator hater because their bouts against inanimate objects are both unfair and boring.

May 12, 2006

fighting the ill

i was chilling out, maxing and relaxing all cool when suddenly i was hit up by the ill. this has dampened my energy levels for a week now. the ill always visits me on vacations. it jammed up my sinuses and threw hammers in my head. but i have been fighting back. popping more pills than a microwave pops corn. nyquil, dayquil, tylenol and vitamins. chewable dinosaur vitamins because they have more bite. i also put down a couple power jamba juices this week with immunity boosts. garfield would be jealous of how much sleep i have been getting. last night the ill threw off my bowling game. but i think i have the ill on the run. the ill will be vanquished in the next couple of days. this i promise you.

May 4, 2006

the end

today was my last day of college. i have no finals or papers to write so i can spend finals week working on roommate tom and my MLB 2K6 season on xbox. our twins are really ripping through teams, i wish the real twins were doing the same. we are #2 in the power rankings. that is 2 like the twins current winning streak. seriously twins, get your act together, i need something to write about in september.

back to the whole last day of college thing. i woke up this morning and in my mind the 8 on my clock looked like a 7 so i got to my 8am class at 9am. oops. i stroll into class and mime a gun firing into my temple. it was fine though because it was just a day for fun and the gun was not real, it was just my hand. the teacher shared a good laugh with the class as i scurried to a seat.

my final class of the day and of college was held at an offsite location known as Sally's Saloon and Eatery. what better way to end my college career than with a huge plate of nachos? advertising classes are the best. i can't wait to begin the real thing.

all of you are invited to the grand finale of my college career as i walk at 7pm on mother's day in the mall here at the University of Minnesota. critics like my mom rave: "this is the best mother's day gift you could ever give!"

now excuse me as i must go lay on the couch and let these nachos settle into my stomach.

May 1, 2006

count 'em

today a heart with a twist of lemon celebrates its birthday. let us count the years of madness. one year of madness. two years of madness. two years of madness! AH! AH! AHhhh!

tis correct, a heart with a twist of lemon has been around for 2 years. last year i had a belated celebration so this year i brought in the count to make the birthday extra special. all 2 year olds love the count.

help support a heart with a twist of lemon by addressing any birthday presents to me.