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March 31, 2007

incognito

clark kent wears glasses. superman doesn't. they're the same guy. yet no one ever seems to notice. i always thought superman's disguise was his biggest flaw, bigger than his issues with kryptonite. the fact that superman could put on glasses and become clark kent and no one noticed always seemed so ridiculous. until now.

i happen to share the same ability of masking myself. only i'm always david. where supes wore glasses i use a hat. whenever i'm wearing a hat no one recognizes me. i wave to them as i walk by and they think i'm some crazy random. it's the weirdest thing.

i guess there is no real point to this besides the fact i have a better understanding for the man of steel's weak disguise.

March 28, 2007

harsh reality

"the punk rock van won't last forever"

apparently my mother doesn't believe the punk rock van to be a diamond. but to me it's just as precious as one. i'll admit, at 16 years old, it's a bit of a beater. but i'm grungy and awkward, and the punk rock van mirrors that. so i don't know what i'll do when i lose the punk rock van. it'll be sad because while all dogs go to heaven, all cars go to the junkyard. nothing can replace it. i don't like thinking about this. i'd like to get the punk rock van in a demolition derby or something, so it can go out in a blaze of glory.

fear not punk rock van. for now, you are still my trusty steed.

March 25, 2007

i'm sorry

March 20, 2007

the gross height of the faux hawk

lot's of people wonder how i get my hair to stay up. here's a mathematical explanation. keep in mind that just because i don't wash my hair doesn't mean i don't shower. although sometimes i do go multiple days sans shower. notice it peaks out at about 4 days, that's because my hair is only so long.

i've seen a blog with odd graphs like this. i've also seen a sketch on comedy central with graphs like this. i don't remember the credits for either so if you know, leave a comment with the info.

March 14, 2007

the bearded lady

gaviidae common. the top floor is a tacky food court. it's a good place in downtown minneapolis to go when you're not sure what to eat and you want fast food prices. it's also a good place to find a large mix of the downtown population. like the bearded lady. i was enjoying my chicken with bacon sandwich from mcdonald's when this lady started ranting and raving at the table next to me.

"she came up to me, and was telling me how to do my job. and i was like, don't tell me how to do my job!"

it'd be even more weird if she were talking to herself, but she had a friend who was quietly taking in what the bearded lady had to say. she would only pause from her banter to dip some fries in one of her ketchup paper cups. the bearded lady loves her ketchup. she had about 10 of these ketchup cups, lined up like bowling pins.

"i've been doing this job for 12 years, and she's trying to tell me what to do?"

the bearded lady is also patriotic. she was wearing a t shirt with a huge bald eagle printed on the front. very majestically profiled. the DIY tattoos on her arm were far less majestic. you can tell when a tattoo is homemade because the lines are uneven and the tattoo's usually very small and thin.

"that lady needs to get her head checked. she doesn't know who she's talking to."

this lady is a little crazy, she should listen to herself. was the foil to the bearded lady another bearded lady, telling her how to grow a better beard? i'm not sure but the whole thing was made more entertaining based on the fact that the gaviidae common food court is decorated like a fair or carnival. and the bearded lady just happened to be one of the attractions.

March 13, 2007

take one for the team

the ad league bowling team was tied for 2nd place going into monday night's matchup. we had probably won 9 games in a row to get to that position. only the top two teams play for the championship in the final week of ad league bowling. this was week 9 of 12. and we tanked. almost all of our bowlers bowled below average. we lost all three games to one of the worst teams in ad league bowling. goodbye 2nd place.

yet this fiasco may have had reason. for you see, the championship monday of ad league bowling falls on the same day of the twins home opener. and a majority of our team already has tickets. go twins!

March 11, 2007

robots in disguise

urban outfitters is following me. i ordered something online and now i get a gazillion catalogs and emails. but i don't mind, because since they've been following me, they've gotten to know me. they made a t-shirt that is me. first they take optimus prime, the leading character on transformers, one of my favorite cartoons as a child. then they throw in the year of my birth, 1984. as if all of this were not enough, they made it baby blue, and i have 8327498237459823 baby blue shirts, because that's my favorite color for a shirt. so despite it's hefty $28 price tag, i'm gonna buy it. and my younger, thriftier self would hate me for it. because my younger self would think $10 is too much. but then my younger self would forgive my present self because after all, it's optimus prime.

March 7, 2007

even chickens have a backbone

March 5, 2007

choose your weapon

during today's lunch, a number of my creative coworkers and i made a field trip to target. our intentions, to buy nerf guns. i found an $8 six shooter called the maverick. it looked like something the punisher would wield, so i felt tough. others opted for the $30 semi automatic. while others landed somewhere in between. so i may be out gunned, but i like being the underdog. i headed up to the express lane to buy my gun sans gun license.

target employee: you buying this for yourself?

me: of course.

target employee: really?

me: i have to. a battle is going to break out in the office.

target employee: seriously?

me: i'm buying a gun. i think that makes me pretty serious.

target employee: i wish i had your job.

that target employee had no idea what they were saying. they think just because they can fire a price gun that they can handle a real nerf gun. nonsense. there is a massive game of assassins that's gonna go down on the creative floor, and only one person will survive. it's a dangerous job, but someone's got to do it.