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August 31, 2007

the car of my dreams

brake problems must be contagious. i was driving the golf (still not named) to a restaurant. there were a couple other people in the car. i found a parking spot right up by the building. shifted the car into park, but it kept creeping forward. then it starting bouncing up and down like a low rider. one of the restaurant employees noticed and came outside.

employee: look. that's really cool that your car can do that but i'm gonna have to ask you to stop.

me: i'm not trying to do this! do you know what's wrong?

employee: oh oh. here comes the big boss man.

a fat greasy man walked out of the restaurant, he kind of looked like the wrestling big boss man in a big ol red apron.

fatman: look you can't be doing this. you're scaring away customers. i'm going to call the police.

me: really, i'm not trying to. you can get in and see for yourself.

truthfully, i didn't want this big greasy fat man in my car but i didn't know what to do.

fatman: don't get smart with me. you're fired!

me: fine!

that's when i started to drive away. but then i thought to myself, i don't even work there. so i turned around, and pulled up next to him.

me: you can't fire me, i quit!

then i threw an apron at him before zooming off. that's when i woke up.

August 25, 2007

the final chapter of the punk rock van legacy

while i was home dog/house sitting last week, i decided to take the old PRV for a spin. i started it up. the PRV purred like always. but something was different. the brake light went on. i checked the emergency brake, it was off. that's weird. so i tested out the brakes by driving round the block. they were soft. the PRV could no longer stop on a dime. it prolly couldn't even stop on something bigger than a dime. the brake pedal turned into a slow down slowly pedal. i told the parents.

when they got home, my dad checked it out. he replaced the brake fluid and that barely got him to the dealership. i guess it was leaking pretty fast. my mom called me up, she sort of had that "someone's died" tone. the PRV was gonna cost $700 to repair. and aside from sentimental value, that's more than the PRV is worth.

but the PRV didn't go to the junkyard. my parent's donated it to the courage center. so someone will still get to enjoy the greatness of the PRV, i just won't be able to write about it anymore. goodbye PRV.

August 23, 2007

fashion police


there's some televisions i pass as i leave work. today i caught a crazy story on fox news. a town in louisiana has outlawed saggy pants. sure the trend peaked out in the 90s, but really, a law? they call it "pull ‘em up or pay up." taxpayers money paid politicians to dictate how people dress. it's like your mom picking out your clothes. perhaps they should outlaw big belt buckles too, those draw attention to the groin region. let's all just dress the same, that'd be fun. why am i wasting my time with this, i'm sure you can watch john stewart or stephen colbert rip on it soon. go america.

August 20, 2007

big wheels and firetrucks

the past few weeks i've been going to bed super early. like 11pm. i've always considered myself to be quite the night owl, so i couldn't figure this out. maybe i'm just getting old. but after a rainy weekend full of sleeping, i think i'm back to my night owl self. so i can stay up and tell stories of when i was young.

for those who don't know, i was born in portland, oregon. i lived there for the first year of my life and don't remember any of it. the furthest back i can remember is living in an apartment in bloomington. i remember hiding under a little floor trampoline and tearing my diaper. there was also the time where i found a rusty sheet of metal in the bushes and used it as a seat attachment on my little trike, that cut me up good. hello tetanus shot. but most of my memories from then involve my friend chris.

chris was my age. we always got together, with our parents permission and supervision, to play. his favorite toy was a shiny red fire truck. he'd drive it around and make siren noises. while he put out fires, i played with my favorite toy, a tire. yes, a big toy tire. it probably fell off some kids tonka truck. it may be cliche, but i found as much joy in this tire as man first had when inventing the wheel. we'd both cruise our respective toys round and round, until it was bedtime, which was even earlier than 11pm.

that playtime in the past may have been a glimpse into the future. chris still plays with emergency vehicles as he's an emt on ambulances. at least i think, i haven't talked to him in a while. and me, i work in advertising because i can make a tire seem like the greatest toy ever.

August 19, 2007

i watch over nacho. he watches over me.

August 12, 2007

heavyweight champion of the world

last night at the rail station, i had the pleasure of meeting the self-described heavyweight champion of the world. "this here is my belt" as he gestured around his large beer gut. he was a 54 year old grandpa, but to ladies he was 51. as he talked he spit from his mouth, which suited his name, mark spitz. that is if it was his name and not just taken from the olympic swimmer. the heavyweight champion of the world hails from "pityapolis, pitysota" he would exclaim. it didn't make much sense, but this guy didn't have much.

"what are you the heavyweight champion of?" i asked.

"the NWA!" he responded.

"northwest airlines?" said i.

he kind of shrugged. i'll hand it to him though. i later found out that nwa also stands for national wrestling alliance. ric flair was in the nwa. the heavyweight champion reminded me of ric, mostly because every other word that came out of his mouth was, "WOOOOO!"

once he starting kissing his lady friend, i kind of checked out. i think she really liked his mustache.

August 7, 2007

twinkies are good

people are so quick to judge the twins lately. they play well and pull within 4.5 games in the division. then the media is making sweet love to them. drawing parallels to last season. and citing the faults in the indians and tigers. a couple loses later they start calling them the "punchless" twins. it's baseball, teams have hot streaks and cold streaks. i wish the sports writers didn't have to be all bipolar about it. take some pills and get ready for the playoffs. sure they traded castillo. i love the guy. but let's be honest, he's been hampered by injuries. and it's not like he has the sort of impact that kevin garnett has for the twolves. what? we traded him?!? someone please fire kevin mchale. he keeps giving his old buddy at boston all our good players. could minnesota please deliver a championship soon, i don't know how long i can stay so optimistic.

August 4, 2007

and the shirts are off!

every week, shirt woot has a derby with different subjects for people to design around. this week's subject is "hot" and i've submitted an entry.

awesome shirt i know! so go help me win the woot shirt derby. click "i'd want one" at the bottom of this page. you must be a woot member with at least one purchase to vote.