So. Things I cannot say to evil person who spewed vitriol at me for 10 whole minutes in a row yesterday, whom I had to call back yesterday because the person who gets paid to do these things thinks I "can do it," and whom I have to call back again today:
1. "Curses. You've stumbled on our plan. We really are out to get your precious baby (henceforth called PB)."
2. "Did you ever stop to think that your precious baby might be partly responsible and that there might be more to the situation PB might have told you?"
3. "I'm sorry, but I don't get paid enough to talk to you."
4. "Yes, I do have the power to go back in time and change to past. But I'm not going to. So pbbbt!"
5. "Yes, I have been personally responsible for everything bad that has ever happened PB's entire life. It doesn't matter that I haven't ever heard of PB before two days ago when you spewed vitriol at my colleague."
6. "Do you think I really care?"
7. "Since I am supposed to know everything about every single one of the 50,000 people we have here, let me take 30 seconds to access information about just PB."
8. "Yes, every single office at this place talks to every other office on a daily basis. We also stay here overnight (you didn't know this is my home address?) to go through every single file about every single other PB to make sure nothing bad will ever happen to them. We deliberately skipped your PB's file, though. See statement 1."
Sorry to be so vague folks, but there's FERPA for you.