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the funk

I seem to be falling into a depression again. I've been doing so well on my current medication, but I think it's gone beyond the simple "everyone gets depressed once in a while" concern. I just want a magical cure-all.


So what are my problems? Nothing, in the big picture. I'm healthy, I'm in a good relationship, I've got a good job, really, everything should be fine. That's how I know this is a depression--everything is fine, but I'm just not happy.


The good news? I have scheduled a doctor's appointment to discuss my state and possible changes to my meds. I also don't seem to be alone (not that I'm happy about that for other people, but...)--I'm seeing other signs of depression or being overwhelmed on several blogs, so I think it's going around right now.

What is bothering me:


1. Where I live. Again, there's nothing wrong with the midwest per se, but I don't like it. I don't like the climate, I don't like the lack of mountains or ocean, and I'm starting to feel cramped in the house (which is almost all my fault anyway). I have this fantasy that moving out west will help, but it probably won't help as much as I'd like. We do have a plan in place for moving, but I want it now, damn it!


2. People. I have a very bad attitude toward people. I like individuals, but despise people. I know I shouldn't say that, but it's true. I'm not convinced that people are basically good; I think they're basically selfish, and we've equated not being hurtful with being good. And I'm not excusing myself either. I fall into the "people" category a lot as well. But I'm tired of the stupidity I see in everyday life, whether it's in driving or the government or students/parents or myself. Again, part of my moving west fantasy also includes an isolation fantasy where my contact with other people is so minimal as not to affect me on a regular basis. And there is something to be said for dealing with a few thousand people daily rather than a few million.


3. My job. Superficially, I like my job. I enjoy working at a university, I enjoy working with students, I enjoy higher education. But deep down, I'm not at all satisfied. I don't feel like I'm doing anything. I feel like going to a vo-tech school for auto mechanics or carpentry or electrical work or construction. Sometimes I want to find someone needing a ranch hand and mend fences or bring in cattle or something. Ideas are great, but see complaint number 2. And changing careers right now will financially impact number 1 such as to delay or destroy the plan. Not to mention the sexism (again, see number2) that I'd confront in most of the labor jobs I think would be interesting. I'd really like to just be a volunteer at the Rolling Dog Ranch Animal Sanctuary or the Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. But again, see number 1.


4. Time. As in, there's never enough. My time issues are most directly related to work; I don't feel satisfied at work, and work does not leave enough "me" time in the day. I want to spend more time cuddling with the dogs, going to church (dog park), riding my bike, reading, knitting, sewing, chatting with friends online, doing my homework, watching movies, going out with friends, seeing family, spending time with my husband, exploring outdoors, cleaning/organizing indoors, playing games, drawing, painting, beading, just to name a few things. Do I have enough to do at work to keep my busy for a 40 hour week? Absolutely. Is it anything that will cause the world to come to a screeching halt and leave the universe in chaos if it isn't completed in those 40 hours? Not one bit. Doctors, rescue workers, and pain relievers may be the only jobs in that category. Come on people! Get a grip! It SO doesn't matter! We need a 4-day work week. Thirty-two hours. Shorter days. Whatever, just let me get a balance between work time and my time.

Comments

The thing about depression that people don't understand unless they're familiar with the muck, is that it comes on regardless of how you 'should' be feeling. No amount of hearing about sorry lives elsewhere is going to fill the void. Too often friends see their depressed friend as catastrophic too, versus understanding her needs. I get it. For me, the changing season has an impact, so I have to be conscious of that. Do whatever works for you to crawl out of the vortex. Vent in emails to me if you want to--that venting always helps me at least.

The thing about depression that people don't understand unless they're familiar with the muck, is that it comes on regardless of how you 'should' be feeling. No amount of hearing about sorry lives elsewhere is going to fill the void. Too often friends see their depressed friend as catastrophic too, versus understanding her needs. I get it. For me, the changing season has an impact, so I have to be conscious of that. Do whatever works for you to crawl out of the vortex. Vent in emails to me if you want to--that venting always helps me at least.

Dave called last night for an update on Granddaddy and mentioned that Mary said it was obvious you were unhappy in MN. I was surprised. I didn't realize it. I thought you were doing well. I am so, so sorry. I don't think your house has enough light for you. Hopefully the doc can recommend some new meds or even counseling. Spend more time (Yeah, right!) in your sun room. I love you so much! I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big bear hug! Would it help if I came out? Maybe in Nov after MEC?

Danielle, I'm so sorry that you're feeling depressed these days. I hear you on the time thing -- I would LOVE to work a 32-hour week, but my job is typically closer to 50 if I want to stay even remotely on top of things. It is so hard to feel like you're not getting enough time for yourself. Could you take a leave of absence at some point and just do what you want for a few months? I know that isn't possible in every job, but if there's a chance, maybe it's something to consider.

Let us know if we can do anything to help you feel better. We love you and are concerned about you.