My head definitely feels like have a huge weight on top of my head. I can't seem to be able to get over it. I want to be nowhere, may be nowhere to be found. I want to just stay quiet, but again whether I stay quiet or not quiet, nothing seems to help me.
The fell asleep good last night but when I woke up at 2.30 or so, I started thinking again, over and over. I don't want to think but it keeps coming back. I saw bad dreams afterwards too, but that didn't bother me as much as the thought I have been having. And I debated few times before I took 169 this morning, the whole time I was on the road, I was thinking about the same thing.
Sometimes sadly, I wish I could go back to last year before..... or may be before that even. May be today, things would have been different. Different may be not the exact way, I wanted it to be, but still nothing like what I wanted or expected it to.
After talking to my friend, I felt a little better. Came home, doing laundry, may be I will feel better. Hopefully a new month tomorrow will bring some great things in life. Optimist as usual no matter what, hoping for the best.
I am confused, not sure what I should do, where should I turn for help. I feel so helpless, I know I can help myself, but again if I help the way, I think I should, that would hurt so much. I have reached at a point in my life that I can't deny the fact either. Why is this so hard? After a long wait, this happened but I guess the wait didn't seem to help.
Below my right knee on the right side, its been hurting, to be precise it the muscle. I am not sure why its hurting but all I know is, I feel pain. I have not been running due to that. The pain is not that bad, but yesterday after sitting at work, the way it hurt, made me walk like I have a problem with my leg or something.
Today I still feel the pain, but I had to run. I couldn't let pain like that stop me. So,I ran straight for 2 miles, 4.5 miles per hour with incline 3. I wanted to run at least 3 miles straight but I couldn't. Instead after 27-28 minutes of run, I started walking 3.5miles per hour. So, spending 60 minutes in treadmill felt good.
Right away, I picked up the call, and we ended up talking for long, over an hour. By that time, it was almost 2am, and I couldn't fall asleep anymore. Then a text was composed and sent, got a reply after an hour.
So, like every Sunday, I was waiting to go to Farmer's Market with him. I didn't hear anything last night, but even then I woke up at 8.30 am, did some work to make breakfast. I went to bed thinking may be, I will hear from him. I got good sleep till almost 10.30am. I quickly made breakfast, and it was the best toast omelet ever. Mouth is watering now. I got fresh and headed to the Market. I felt odd since I always go with him. I got some grocery what I wanted and headed to Kohls. I bought the decorative pillows that I needed. Put the pillow, they looked great on Blair. I had my lunch and again went out. Spent almost all day outside.
Now, its time to head to his place to give him some fruits. TBD..................
Momo was good last night with some Beringer.This morning's Catfish curry was good too,it was tasty,not because I made it,but because I got to eat sitting right next to you,looking at you face to face.Enjoying that view,looking at that charming precious face.
Whether I have to wait reading paper,cooking,cleaning whatever,while you do your school work,I like waiting for you.The best part about that wait is,I know eventually in few hours,when you are done with your work,I get to sit right next to you,look at you,talk,joke and have dinner/lunch with you together.
And today,after lunch,while reading paper,your were fell asleep on my lap. The best part about it was,I could see you and feel you fall asleep,felt so good,and while moving my hand on your head,I myself fell asleep. That was a great relief,I can't explain.You slept an hour,it felt good because you got some good sleep.Here is the line I want to write, I 'Love the way you sleep on my lap.'
I wont call myself a Feminist but some might. It all depends on what the topic of discussion. My Women Studies professor called me a feminist, but again its not always true.
Of course, I believe if a man should be allowed to do something, woman should be too. She shouldn't be called names. At the same time, just because a man does something wrong, doesn't mean woman should do that too. However, it's a personal choice she gets to make.
I wanted to write about this topic, while reading the women in the professional field, discrimination etc. In every country, ratio of male vs female is big. There is abig difference, due to various reasons. Even in a country like USA, its that way, what can you expect in other developing and poor countries.
At one point, told myself, what did I get myself into, oh my god.Not because I had to do training, but because there were no female and when I didn't see mannequin, I was like OO. But it all worked out fine.
Anyways while listening to Jagjit SIngh's ghazals,ran across this collection song, whoever did this, has done a good job, almost all songs, I listen to...
I am not sure what the problem is, but I've been feeling tired, and feels like getting sick for the past week. Am I not getting sleep because the bed changed or is it something else. What is it? What? I think I need to start running again,start going to gym again, might help me fall asleep good. I can't get anything done, and I can't do anything, what's going on with me. This is getting annoying.
Overall, regardless of not very good sleep, the evening went pretty good watching the old Wall Street movie. And the moment was special.
I realized its been a long last time, I listened to Jagjit Singh's ghazals for hours and days. I tried to listen to at work, for some reason Flash nor Real Player worked for me. He sent me some links, since CPS has blocked all those pages, I couldn't listen. But thank you for the links.
I am happy when I get to spend time with you. Having you by my side helps, even you being in the study room studying helps. I know it sounds crazy, but it's the fact I can't deny.
Today while we were preparing to cook, things were running in my mind. I looked at you, and thought about it. Those thoughts were making me feel sad deep down and again those words were breaking my heart as well. I was thinking why did you say so or why do you think so? You were facing other side, which helped because you didn't see me look at you multiple times, thinking what if. With those heart breaking thoughts, I wanted to burst out in tears. But again knowing that you are right in front of me, less than 2 ft away, being able to touch you, feel you, hug you, express my feelings ,made me stop from thinking further on it.
During the day, that thought kept coming to my mind, what if, what if, what if. Once again, my heart breaks, I can't even imagine, what/how would my life be if....And I stop myself right there. Those moments, when I see you, I hide my tears behind my eyes, and you have no clue what's going on in my mind. I look at your cheerful face with precious dimples but I keep thinking about it. Then again I am able to stop myself and focus on 'you' my love and 'us' and the 'moment' we are together.
Not sure where and how it started, but this is what life is about....
Yesterday wasn't my day, things were not working right. It wasn't that bad, but after lunch, somehow I got cold. I couldn't figure out how. The later it got, I started sneezing more and more, cold started hitting me. And I had the Twins game to go with him. I at one point thought, I wish the game would get canceled since its raining and cold. But it stopped raining and day got little better in the later part of the afternoon.
Before the game, we went to a restaurant where we had one of the worst food haha. We both were like, now we know why this restaurant is empty.
We made it to the game, it wasn't an exciting game, since Kansas City Royals kept getting strike out, after strike out. They couldn't score with Twins. But it was fun to watch Twins win. As always spending time with you, brought smile on my face. And of course, after the game was nice, watching Family Guy and Seinfeld. Somehow has become a routine watching those together with you.
It was a day that I will always remember. Every thing about that day was special and is special and will remain in my memory. The long drive to up north, Enger Tower, Hawk Ridge, Canal Park, Park Point. The best part about that day however, is watching the great view of Lake Superior from the beach, standing on that sand where there were grasses growing. There is another best part about standing on that sand, which I can rewind it over and over in my mind and smile. It was a very beautiful moment. Sitting on the bench in Park Point, talking, staring at each other and then talking.
Now, its time to write about this year Labor Day. I was worried, thinking how lonely and bored I was going to be this weekend. But, it turned out to be great. Friday after work, I went to Trader Joe's for grocery, then to the Mall, where I did some shopping. Then again Sam's club for some liquor. After the happy hour, when I got call from you, I felt good. Knowing that I get to spend time with you brought smile on my face.
Again, almost all day Saturday, all day Sunday and again Monday morning, I couldn't ask for more. This is the last weekend before class starts, getting to spend time with you, gives me energy and gives me motivation to get things done.
I have been biking and doing all stuff instead. Recently, one of my shoes' heel fell off and another I had to throw. So, I was in need of shoes badly. I was looking for shoes that I can wear everyday.Finally after looking at so many stores, I found two pair of shoes.
Yesterday after work, I did some shopping for grocery and after wards for shoes, jewelry and shirt. All good buys, I am happy. I wish I found a pair of shoes other than what I found but I won't complain since I am satisfied with those purchase. Not planning to do shopping anytime soon, hopefully that will work. However, I might buy a pair of sandal but that's it. Once its winter, will need to buy some winter clothes, but that's not certain either. Btw, I have uploaded the pictures of my New shoes...
Here's another one....
First time, watching American football in the stadium was fun. I enjoyed it. After wards walking almost 14 blocks in downtown Minneapolis at at night was nice too. Getting back to point, knowing that I am going to be alone, I have a little bit of sad feeling inside of me.
Few of my friends, whom I talked to have plans, well what was I thinking right. Of course, everyone will have plans, I am a stupid one, who didn't plan to get out, somehow this is what happens to always. There are things, I have planned what I will do, will see. I will try to make it fun and productive as much as I can.
However, the truth right now though is, right now, I just want to sit on my couch, watching movies.
'Julie and Julia' and then may be more.......
As always, specially the flying out of city plan. There were things I had to think about and I didn't plan ahead. Now, I can't fly out, should've may be. Now its all about should've could've but nothing.
I think I should do some productive work, enjoy the time alone myself. But I again worry 'Will I be really bored?'. Everyone around spend the time with family, friends and their loved ones. But I am going to be alone. Starting Friday evening to Monday night, going to be tough. After wards, I will try to start caring about it less.
I wish I just fly out. However, sometimes being alone and doing nothing is just the most fun thing to do, but when its a long weekend, its just not easy to think that way.