An important marijuana-related announcementAttention ESPN, Sports Illustrated, all other sports reporting outfits, all professional sports leagues, and news organizations: I do not care if an athlete is caught possessing marijuana anymore. I know that professional athletes like to smoke marijuana. I don't care. There is no reason to take up your precious "top headlines" real estate on a story like, "NFL Player Practicesqaud McBackup cited for marijuana possession."
Choose your own adventure!Time to play a fun game of "How would you respond to this hypothetical situation?" This time period's situation is the following: You return to your locker at the gym after a shower, only to realize that you forgot to bring a pair of clean underwear. Now you must either get dressed without any underwear or wear sweaty underwear on the busride home.
Extra details you might require for your decision: It is 10 degrees outside. The pants you wore today are jeans. Your workout consisted of an easy 2.5 mile run. The bus ride is only 10 blocks, but you will probably have to wait about 10 minutes for the bus. It is not very windy. If you would like any other information, I have constructed an elaborate hypothetical environment for this question, so feel free to ask me in the comments section.
"Hey Diana. What's with the winter coat?"
"Cold? It's like 75 in here. And you're sweating! Besides, yesterday it was exactly the same and you wore that tiny little dress."
"Well, you better run home, it looks like you've forgotten your pipe, Mr. Holmes."
"That was really weak."
"Yeah, I was also considering going with 'trenchcoat' and 'Colombo'."
"Sorry, that doesn't work for me either."
"Well, anyways, I should get back to work."
"You still haven't told me why you're wearing the coat! Trying to hide a pregnancy?"
"Pregnant!? You saw me yesterday! Do you think it would be noticeable in one day?"
"Well, maybe if the child is mine and its genitals developed overnight."
"That's disgusting. No, I'm not pregnant."
"So what's with the coat?"
"Why do you care so much?"
"Only because you seem so secretive!"
"Well fine, I'm only wearing the coat because I woke up feeling a little sick today. And I'm sweating cause now I have a little fever."
"Ahh... I see. Well that's all I was wondering! Hope you feel better."
Diana walked into the washroom, closed the door, and started to cry gently. She carefully took off her coat and hung it up on the hook on the back of the door. She felt uneasy, as if she were growing lighter, and grabbed the sink to hold herself down on her way to the toilet. Sobbing now, she opened the lid and began to vomit into the bright blue water.
Thank you President BushThe quote "May you live in interesting times" is sometimes referred to as a (translated) Chinese proverb or curse. An alternate version of this curse could be "May you be inspired by your politicians' speeches." All throughout my life I've been thoroughly bored by political debate and discussion, frustrated into apathy by political gridlock and intraction. But lately I've been inspired by several different politicians, and I've been feeling really good about the future, and I owe it all to the massive ill will that has been built up by President Bush, and the overwhelming and tiring amount of cynicism that his leadership promotes.
Here are some of the things that have inspired me.
The events of last night from 2 AM to 9 AMI got off the bus and started walking the last few blocks home. On my way, I noticed that it would be shorter if I cut through the rec center basketball courts, so I went in the side door. As I entered I saw many of my high school friends playing a pickup game. I remembered then that my friend Craig had sent out an e-mail a few weeks earlier asking people to join a regular pickup game with him, and that I had forgotten to respond, even though I wanted to play.
As I make my way around the court, Craig, assuming I came to play, says, "Hi Tim. Hey Joynt, tell Tim about the Wednesday sessions." Which was weird because Joynt was standing right next to him in the game, so I think Craig could've just told me himself. But anyways, Joynt tells me that Craig has set up this pickup game, but if you want to play in the game you have to come to a practice session on Wednesday nights. These practices are being held because Craig wants to wants to work on becoming a point guard, even though he is 6'6" or so. I say, mock breathlessly, "Oh my God! Craig is reinventing himself yet again!" like MTV hosts do whenever Madonna releases a new album. Everyone starts laughing uproariously at my joke, which I don't really get.
Then, in the game, Jared steals the ball, and is off on a breakaway. Except, instead of running to his basket, he purposely leaves the court to the side, still dribbling, racing to the hoop 2 courts over. When he gets to the hoop, he jumps up explosively, and throws down a massive tomahawk jam. Then, as soon as he lands, his phone starts ringing, and he pulls the phone out of his pants, answers, and starts a conversation with his mom. Someone says, in reference to Jared's dunk, "That hoop is only 7 feet high." I respond, "No, it's regular height, Jared just gets superpowers when his mom calls him." Everyone thinks that is hilarious too.
Stumble glassesI think everybody my age has tried at some point in their youth those distorted lenses that you put over your eyes to simulate drunkenness. I have vague memories of trying them at a museum, or in a high school health class, and stumbling as you try to walk across the room looking through them. They're always really foggy and scratched from overuse, embedded into oversized wooden frames with handles on either side. At the time I thought they were just designed to show you what it was like to be drunk.
I was reminded of these the other day when I stumbled over the warped surface of the floor at an underground bowling alley in Minneapolis. And I thought, those glasses really do a poor job of simulating drunkenness. I expected, after using those glasses, that as soon as I had a beer things in my visual field would get blurry and hard to distinguish, and curve into each other, and overall distort in wild, unpredictable, frustrating ways. In fact, that is not what happens. These glasses poorly simulate the effect of alcohol on your vision.
However, what those glasses do well is simulate how difficult it is to walk when intoxicated. So, seen functionally, the crazy lenses and a crapload of alcohol are basically black boxes inserted somewhere into the process of walking, and the output of the system, stumbling across a room, is similar for these two black boxes. And in fact, the glasses really clobber the entire system by appearing essentially at the whole start of the process, the input to the system, and destroying it beyond repair.
While this is a good design for a system that is meant to discourage children from drinking, it unrealistically represents the entire picture of drunkenness. The lesson could be made more realistic in the following ways:
- Once you put the glasses on, girls come up and talk to you more. Also, they are better looking.
- With the glasses on, people laugh louder at your jokes, and you at theirs.
- Everyone else in the whole room is wearing the glasses.
- When they finally make you walk with the glasses, you walk arm in arm with your best friends for support, loudly singing your school fight song together (or any song from the show Bonanza).
- When you finally take off the glasses, your wallet is empty, you have a massive headache, and there is puke on your comforter.
Tracklisting for my new hip-hop albumAs most of you know, I am an aspiring hip-hop artist, and have been working on my album for quite some time now. Well, the time is here that I can announce several of the tracks on my upcoming album, with a short description of each of them.
- Let me tell you some things about me - This song is an introduction to my rapping persona. In it, I will tell you about some of my exploits, and through those stories you will learn something about my character. You will also learn about many of my possessions, because I will tell you all about them. During the chorus, some people will ask what my name is, and I will spell it or repeat it several times (still hammering out the chorus). I am thinking about having an alter ego, possibly going by the name Timmy Analog, or maybe just one name, like Garry.
- I have a sensitive side - This song is all about how even though I am really tough and from the street, I can also be very sensitive, as in with the ladies. Ne-Yo will sing on the chorus, about how I did something wrong, but it's because of my tough upbringing, and that I won't screw up again.
- My hometown is great - This song talks about my hometown, and how wonderful it is. I will describe how, in my hometown, everybody knows me, and there are several places where I go, and I then tell you what they are. My hometown contains several people who are great at rapping, and I will allow them to each rap for one verse of this song.
- I used to sell drugs - In this song, I will talk all about my days when I used to sell drugs, because that was the only way to survive on the tough streets which I grew up on. Now I am a famous rapper, and I don't do that anymore, but even then I was the best at it, and I was fairly rich from it. Dealing drugs can be very violent, but I will only refer to the violence in general terms.
- Man, is it hard being a famous rapper - This song talks about the perils of fame, the kind of fame that comes with being a successful and famous rapper. For instance, beautiful women are only with me sexually (sometimes 2 or 3 at a time) because I have money and am good at rapping. I would rather that they be with me sexually because of my eyes being a certain color, and how I let them go in doors before me. The other difficult thing about being a famous rapper is that when I hit someone with my car or strike a government official, everybody makes a big deal about it.
- I am good at pleasing women (sexually) - In this party song, I will rap all about sex and how I am good at it with women, who are always beautiful, and sometimes more than one at a time. This may seem to contradict the previous song, but that is evidence of my conflicted, complex persona. I will use many clever metaphors in my raps which, if you think about them, you can figure out that I am really talking about certain sexual activities. For instance, any time I refer to any kind of stick, I'm probably talking about my genitals. You'll have to figure out the rest for yourself!
- Let me tell you about more of my possessions - In the song introducing myself, I told you about many of my possessions. Now, I will talk about even more of them. I haven't finished this song yet, but as of right now in the first verse I am planning on telling you (in rap form) about all of the flat panel television sets that I own. I even have some old style CRT television sets which I store in my garage, but I don't think I'll rap about those.
2007 Top 4 list of lists of listsSo, the new year is upon us, and I still haven't done any traditional posts wrapping up the year 2007. Everyone knows that the position of the earth relative to the sun last week was the exact best position for reflection upon all the time that has passed since the last time the earth was in that position. So without further ado, here is my list of the top lists of lists from last year.
- Top OMGLists of 2007 - The website omglists.com lists their top 10 lists of the last year. Oh boy is this an exciting list of lists! From funny, to touching, to sexy, to listy, this list has it all in terms of lists. You won't want to miss any of these lists, nor the things contained within each of the lists therein.
- List of significant lists on listverse.com - This list of lists really broke ground, since it not only lists best lists but it also lists worst lists. For my purposes, I don't know if I can really handle listing lists of lists that are not only good lists of lists but bad lists of lists.
- fimoculous.com's list of lists earns points for being the list of lists with possibly the greatest coverage. From lists of art to lists of music to lists of other things, this list of lists has all your list of lists needs covered.
- McSweeney's has an excellent list of their own best lists from the year. This list of lists is notable for it's comprehensive listing of lists, the quality and wit of each of the lists it lists, and the unordered nature of this list. Also of interest is that many of the lists it lists contain lists that are self-contained. That is, the lists it lists do not just link to other sites, they are complete in and of themselves. This can help prevent you from getting into an infinite internet list loop.
The Silliness of Celebrating New YearsIf you stop to objectively consider the reasoning behind celebrating yearly holdays, it seems pretty silly. Birthdays for example: If you think in terms of how this thing we're celebrating is connected to the real world, it sounds like something that only a really old man would find interesting.
You know what today is? Today, the earth is in roughly the same position it was on the day I was born! Isn't that exciting! Of course, I was born one time zone away, so I celebrate my birthday starting at 11 PM the night before my birth date.As silly as that is, celebrating a new year is even more ridiculous. Because now, we're not even celebrating an anniversary of something, just an arbitrary point of the year when all the numbers change.
You know what today is? Today, the earth is in roughly the same position it was when.... well, it's in the same place it was the last time I got really drunk and counted down from 10.